How to support grandparent relationship when YOU don't get along with your parents?

[frogautumn]

This is a tough area for me and I think I'm being extra-sensitive to it with a new baby coming very shortly, knowing that family will want to be extra-present for awhile.

My parents are good people, not really toxic, just somewhat dysfunctional in a way that lots of families are. We have genuine love for each other, but we're just so different in our lifestyles, values, and personalities, that I found the best way to get along was to maintain a healthy bit of distance. Enter grandchildren. Of course my parents want to be part of their lives, and of course having them around much more is driving me crazy. I think what's driving me the most crazy is that I see them applying the same dysfunctional behaviors that made me want to separate from them onto my DS...

My dad's thing is perfectionism...I grew up with a feeling of things never being good enough unless I was the smartest, most highest-achieving, prettiest, most well behaved, etc. I already seeing him "quizzing" my DS and stressing how he is the "smartest" and "fastest." I may be over-sensitive to this, but it makes me CRINGE inside. Plus, he has a habit of conveniently ignoring small boundaries.

My mom (technically my step-mother) is over-protective and critical. When I was young, she let her own fears and phobias get in the way of what I wanted to do...the clearest example of that was she battled to not let me go away to college because she never wanted to leave home herself. Already, she makes a VERY big deal the possibility of danger (usually when there's no danger present). She loves to reference stories about how we should stay away from things (like sandboxes, because raccoons can pee in them and cause paralysis ). She's also subtly critical of things she doesn't like/understand like why we eat all that "organic crap" and why DS plays with "boring toys." I see this in the way that she interacts with DS when she "micromanages" his play, telling him, "that can't be a firehouse, it's a barn."

I find myself highly stressed out after spending any amount of time over an hour with them...and would rather go back to my pre-child habit of seeing/talking to them once a month (even though they live 5 miles away). But they are DS's grandparents and they do adore him...and vice versa. Any advice on how to deal?? Thanks!

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

can't really offer any advice but didn't want to read and not reply, have you tried talking to them?

[SuzySunshine]

Honestly, they are annoying, not damaging. They offend you in some instances but as you point out there is nothing horribly wrong with them. Rest assured that their poor choices will not harm your child or undo your work.

Because your child is clearly safe with them, I would recommend taking yourself out of the equation when they will be together. Is it possible to drop your child off for brief visits under the guise of doing you a favor? Then you will not have to observe the choices that irk you but ultimately don't harm your child.

[frogautumn]

Originally Posted by beckyand3littlemonsters

can't really offer any advice but didn't want to read and not reply, have you tried talking to them?

Well, they're not really the self-examining type, you know? We did some family therapy when I was in high-school in which they were very clear that they weren't there to change any of their behaviors...that it was me who needed to become more "normal." This is what ultimately led me to the "distance is better" policy.

[mumkimum]

Not dealing with these with my own parents, but MIL has habits of 'managing play' certain ways and making critical comments about parenting choices that really irk me. Not really toxic, but just happens to have probably normal grandparent qualities that really don't mesh with me.

For us, since she doen't really make her own effort to spend time with us/dd I really just don't make as much of our own effort either. So yeah, I am minimizing our time (probably more so while dd is younger and a lot of this stuff won't be as much of an issue when she's older anyway). I really try to only be around her with my dh, which helps a lot for dealing with my own stress. I've tried to instigate get-togethers like going out to restaurants together, where the stuff that bothers me more happens a lot less. So, something like that could work if they'd do it.

Personally, I think hearing relatives you care about making negative comments about things your parents value IS not that good for kids to be around. I hate when comments are made about our toys not being as good as xyz someone saw for $5 at a garage sale last week, especially cause it's not like the kid is having any issue with it. I also have a big issue with comments about dd being vegetarian, which has happenned too. And if it's happening often enough, it will definately lead to kids asking or feeling differently about things in their life.

I guess I've gone about dealing with this by teaching and explaining more about my own values to dd, when it comes to the things that I know will get commented on. I feel like I'm building up her confidence in the stuff we choose to get and do and that will help her when someone makes some comment like "well whyyyy can't you have that?" and she (or I) will be able to say "well, because xyz (duh)" with a feeling of 'this is the way we've decided to be and it has reasons behind it even if you ignore them, of course you should know that'.

[Lilygoose]

Not a whole lot of advice, but I have a similar situation with my father (we have very different values/outlooks on life). And I can't just leave DD alone with him, as he doesn't always make the safest choices. I plan these visits carefully, preferably in a public area where there can be an easy and natural ending, if I find myself getting upset or frustrated with him (park, restaraunt, etc.)

[frogautumn]

Originally Posted by SuzySunshine

Honestly, they are annoying, not damaging. They offend you in some instances but as you point out there is nothing horribly wrong with them. Rest assured that their poor choices will not harm your child or undo your work.

Because your child is clearly safe with them, I would recommend taking yourself out of the equation when they will be together. Is it possible to drop your child off for brief visits under the guise of doing you a favor? Then you will not have to observe the choices that irk you but ultimately don't harm your child.

I agree with *most* of this, taking myself out of the equation will probably be the way to go as DS (and his soon-to-come baby brother) get older, but it's not always practical or possible now.

Yes, I agree that DS is 100% safe in their care...and I agree about 85% that my parents' actions are more annoying than damaging. However, the situation is obviously more complicated than I could get across in one message.

The fact that my dad routinely ignores boundaries (no matter how small), is not a small issue...and it shows a good deal of disrespect towards my DH & I as parents. Plus, my mom's tendency to overreact when it comes to "danger everywhere" is slightly more than just annoying...EVERY SINGLE time she sees him, she is convinced that he has a fever, is coming down with something, just isn't acting right, etc. There have been several occasions where she has been downright hysterical towards my DH--"Oh my god! He has a bruise! What happened? Why weren't you watching him?!" Every single time, it has been dried strawberry on his face. Maybe this is not damaging to DS (yet), but it is certainly damaging to the relationship between us (my DH & I) and them (my parents).

[Linda on the move]

We've never lived close to family and my parents are truly nuts, so I really don't understand why you need to see them more than once a month. I don't think you owe them anything (they've made it clear that they are not open to changing and really don't care how you feel). Even though your son loves them, less time is better than more with mildly crazy people.

[mamadelbosque]

s I understand this. I/we get along with my dad fine (which is good cause' we live with him, but my mom is a totaly different story. She knows all my buttons and just how to push them and does so with joy (while feining total innocents...). And she treats DS1 (2.5) as though he's HER child and *I* have no say in how she interacts with him. And it drives me NUTS. I let soo much bs slide, but some things I just can't and she just has major issues acknowleding that SHE is the grandparent and WE are the parents so OUR say goes (whether DS gets a spoon of honey, or takes a nap, or waches Sesame Street, or just about anything else).

Honestly, my only advice is to suck it up and try not to stress about most of it and do your darndest to limit how much you see them - my mom comes down 1x a week and thats PLENTY for me/us - I make ZERO effort to see her otherwise, cause' its just not worth the stress. s

[AbbieB]

We live 5 minutes from DH's parents.

Their annoying qualities have all been mentioned in earlier posts so no need to go down the list.

We limit time with them by only seeing them once or twice a month for a Sunday dinner. It's usually pretty convenient for us to "have to get the baby home for XYZ" when we are d.o.n.e. being there.

DD is 6. For he past 6 months she has been going solo to movies, plays/shows, and museums with the IL's about once a month. She enjoys it.

[sisteeesmama]

I am in a very similar situation with my parents and I have found that as a pp said I take myself out of the equation as much a s possible. When I do insert myself into the equation I usually regret it!
But they are essentially harmless so I feel like it is important for dd to have that extra set of family figures who LOVE her, even if it is differently than I do.

But they DRIVE me NUTS!

We are moving away from them, so that is another reason I try to find as much time for dd to be with them as they all want.

[SuzySunshine]

Originally Posted by frogautumn

The fact that my dad routinely ignores boundaries (no matter how small), is not a small issue...and it shows a good deal of disrespect towards my DH & I as parents. Plus, my mom's tendency to overreact when it comes to "danger everywhere" is slightly more than just annoying...EVERY SINGLE time she sees him, she is convinced that he has a fever, is coming down with something, just isn't acting right, etc. There have been several occasions where she has been downright hysterical towards my DH--"Oh my god! He has a bruise! What happened? Why weren't you watching him?!" Every single time, it has been dried strawberry on his face. Maybe this is not damaging to DS (yet), but it is certainly damaging to the relationship between us (my DH & I) and them (my parents).

I think you've got this exactly right - their choices are harmful to their relationship with you because they are annoying and disrespectful. However I want to remind one more time that even the hysteria is not going to harm your child. If they had full custody they would but they won't during the occasional visit.

But you don't like the idea of someone being cuckoo or rude or accusing with your children and I don't blame you for that.

Nonetheless I am trying to hold you to the spirit of your inquiry because you have ultimately decided that you do want your children to have a relationship with these grandparents despite your disappointment in some of their choices.

If you are going to actually make good on that decision you are going to have to find a way to put their bad behavior in the 'drives me crazy but honestly won't hurt my child' category.

Remember that the outbursts, disrespect for Mom and Dad and panic will be a tiny snapshot in your children's lives and it will be wrapped in the wholly unconditional love your children bring to the relationship. They may grow up telling funny stories about how Grandmom lost her shit the day that they brought a stray cat into the house but they won't catch OCD from her, KWIM?

At the end of the day, I think you need a chance to vent about your annoying parents and their bad manners. Post it here or complain to your husband but get it out of your system if you want to keep the peace in the family relationship because one thing is certain: they are not going to change!

[Mal85]

I haven't dealt with this too much myself. My ILs bother me somewhat. FIL is overly critical and cringes whenever people 'act silly' around DD (make silly faces or noises at her). I could definitely see him 'micromanaging' her play the way you describe your mother.

My mom did not have a very good relationship with my dad's mom. I never even knew this until after my grandmother had passed away. In my eyes, my grandma was the kindest, gentlest, most giving person I've ever known. But apparently her and my mom had some issues with each other, much like you're describing.

I'm so glad my mom didn't let that get in the way of my siblings and I having a great relationship with her. Like I said, I never even knew they didn't get along. My mom bit her tongue when we were around her and just let it be. And we were all happier because of that. I can't imagine who I would even be if I hadn't had that relationship with my grandma.

Hopefully, your son will take the best from your parents and never even see the tension under the surface. And he'll be happier because of that. And you'll be happier. My FIL can drive me crazy being over critical sometimes, but he has a major soft spot for his granddaughter. It's good for her, him, and for me to see that side of him.

[jeteaa]

First I have to say that I do not think GP have ANY rights or entitlement to their adult children s children. I see the potential in a relationship between GP and grandchildren because of the history and current relationship between the GP and the parents. But when that relationship is strained or there is some negative history, WHY would parents want to subject their children to that? I see what the PP is saying about how she is glad her mom held her tongue and let her have a relationship w/ her GP, but I think its a gamble. The question is are you willing to gamble your dc well being for the potential of a positive relationship with the GP when you yourself don't have one?

[vegasgrl]

I'm going through the EXACT same emotions right now, especially with mom coming in on Saturday to hopefully be here when "our girl!!!!!!" is born. I really appreciate the PPs' comments. I have gone back and forth this pregnancy between wanting to cut my mom out of my life altogether, and being so happy that she cares, albeit inappropriately.

My STBDD will for sure be "safe" in my mother's care - she's actually a very loving and caring person, an amazing 2nd grade teacher, kids love her. And I appreciate the PP's comments about that being the important thing. And my dad is amazing through and through; I think it's only because of him that I still have a relationship with my mother TBH.

The thing I don't know that I agree with is whether being around my mom (and for you, your parents) will harm my STBDD or not. Mom lives in her own alternate reality. I grew up with a foot in that world, and it was extremely damaging to me - my needs were not needs in her world, so I began to question why I had the feelings I did. Blah blah blah that's my own BS. Anyway, it is a very valid point that GP time is NOT full-time custody.

BUT, I also spent a great deal of time with my mom's parents growing up, and I'd have to say that that was also damaging. They were very loving toward me, but extremely toxic to one another. My physical safety needs were always met 110%, but emotionally it was a different story. So I'm not so sure I agree with the statement that being around my mom won't permanently damage my STBDD. I don't want my daughter to be confused by my mom's world like I was. But I do see that I'll have the chance to talk through my mom's alternate reality with my STBDD.

This is so tough. I'm sorry if I shared way too much of my story. I just wanted you to know I COMPLETELY understand, and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this for myself. Thanks for posting to elicit comments from others to help us through!

[prothyraia]

I would try to let everything go except for the boundary issues. A few hours of people being critical, or managing play, or harping about silly fears, *probably* won't cause any serious issues for your child. Obviously, if they start to be a problem ("nooo! I don't WANT to go in the sandbox! Grandma said I'll diiieeeee!") then re-evaluate.

Boundaries, though- I think it's hugely important for children to learn that they can and should set limits about how other people interact with them and their bodies. With every. single. person. If grandpa can ignore your son when your son says "no" or "stop", then your son will have more difficulty expecting other people (who may be trying to do things that are actually dangerous/harmful/sexual to him) to honor those "no"s .

[frogautumn]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Boundaries, though- I think it's hugely important for children to learn that they can and should set limits about how other people interact with them and their bodies. With every. single. person. If grandpa can ignore your son when your son says "no" or "stop", then your son will have more difficulty expecting other people (who may be trying to do things that are actually dangerous/harmful/sexual to him) to honor those "no"s .

Just want to be clear that these are NOT the kind of boundary issues we're dealing with. It's more along the lines of disregarding our wishes (wishes he agreed to) when it comes to toys, TV, and food.

Yes, I do think I can step away and develop their own relationship with DS on their terms. But I still wonder...if the grandkids link me to them forever, am I going to have to address the flaws in our relationship at some point?

[TinyMama]

Originally Posted by frogautumn

Yes, I do think I can step away and develop their own relationship with DS on their terms. But I still wonder...if the grandkids link me to them forever, am I going to have to address the flaws in our relationship at some point?

Oh my. I certainly hope not.

I have issues with my IL's too, with the same sort of "she-won't-be-hurt-but..." kind of feeling about my DD.

DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6, and I haven't yet had to "address the flaws" in my relationship with the IL's. I never plan on it either. I keep myself a bit emotionally detached from them, and treat them politely and warmly. Once the relationship door opens, so to speak, I don't think you can ever stuff everything back in. And that is NOT a room I wish to enter.

The other thing is that on the one occasion when I went mama bear on her, my MIL totally (and surprisingly) accepted it. She didn't admit fault, but she backed way off and has never broached that particular subject again. (It didn't hurt that I reminded her that if our relationship is poor, she will never have a good relationship with my DD. I didn't say it maliciously, just as a fact.) So if you need to freak out, I'd say save it for when you really mean it.

[LittleBlessings]

thanks for posting this treat. This is something we also go through