Please please help

[nycgrrl]

Hi
I am a mom to a 7 yo boy and a 4 yo boy. Both are somewhat picky eaters. I myself am a reluctant and picky eater, having suffered from anorexia and bulemia in the past. My mother was a 'clean your plate' kind of mom, making me eat everything even if i hated it (and yes, mom, I still hate brussel sprouts). I don't want to hand this legacy over to my kids, but it seems it's happening before my very eyes. Oh, and I was bulemic and anorexic for a few years, so I know the way i was taught to think abotu food is WRONG....

I have read Child of Mine, and I like it. But man. In theory it's great but in practice I find it SO HARD to implement. My youngest won't eat any veggies (and I'm mostly vegan LOL) and he is also terribly constipated (goes 1x a week) even eating prunes daily. I can't stop myself from cajoling, threatening, when it comes to food. My eldest is very picky, eats very few foods, and is underweight. Not only that, he's very athletic, playing 2 horus or more of sports a day.

Basically, I need support from everyone here. DH and I had (another) long talk about my frustrations regarding dinnertime. We've had this conversation so many times, it feels like, and yet, we always end up back at square 1. It's VERY hard for me to put the time and mental effort into making a meal for my kids to have them turn up their noses. And I reallized, I will never be able to MAKE them like my food. So my plan is to simply make a dinner I would enjoy, be that beans and rice with salad, or a simple pasta dish, and make a bit extra for them. (DH gets home late most nights so can only dine with us on the weekends). I will offer it to them, and we will all sit together at the table while _I_ enjoy my meal (i have no illusions that they will enjoy it lol).

They can enjoy the meal too, or say "ew." and not eat it. That's their choice, and I can't change what they say. I can change the thing that's stressing me out, and that's goign to all the trouble of makign them a separate meal that they then won't eat. (and I won't eat either)..

What I need is support that I CAN do this, that I won't break down and start nagging them, that when they ask me "how many bites do I have to eat?" I will say "as many or as few as you like."

Can I do this? I need support. The next couple of months will be rough. DH is on board--he too loses his temper when he makes the boys a nice meal and they moan and complain.

I don't want to be a martyr mom like my own mother was ("I worked long and hard on this meal and you'll eat it!!!") I want to be easy-going about food, let it go. I know they won't starve, but there is a part of me that is controlling about food (certainly with myslef, and it extends to them for sure) and i NEED to let that go or they will have food issues.

Both my kids love fruit, love nuts, and love smoothies. I need to focus on the things they do love to eat, and not fixate on the things they won't.

Some words of support would be very, very much appreciated. I think I am working through many of my own issues and really, really don't want my kids to end up as disordered as I am when it comes to food.

[LaughingHyena]

Sometime I find it helps me to have my meal away from the kids. Family meals are nice and we try to do that most of the time but if I am just stressing out over what they are or are not eating then it seems to remove the point.

Since they tend to be happy with a sandwich/fruit/yoghurt type meal it's not that much to get them something else. It also means I tend to feed them slightly earlier which I also think helps. Meal times are defiantly no fin when they are tired.

I would think about taking your DS to see the doc about the constipation, we had similar issues with DD. She was constipated and regularly complaining her tummy hurt. She is now taking Lactulose daily which as well as easing the constipation has made her eat like never before. She is still picky but will now eat a decent quantity of things she likes and has had a major growth spurt. It has made a huge difference for her.

[BetsyS]

I would encourage you not to allow "ewww" comments. They don't have to eat the food, don't have to like it. But, it behooves them to learn to be polite at an early age.

[welsh]

You've probably tried this already but what about healthy foods that are more kid friendly than salad (although surely all kids love pasta?!).
A favourite in our house are sweet potato wedges tossed in olive oil with either some cinammon or herbs or plain. Baked in the oven, DS thinks they're fries.
I do the same for VERY picky DH with regular potatoes and add onion, strips of bell pepper.
Homemade pizza is another option that springs to mind.
Good luck!

[Alyantavid]

What I do is meal plan. None of all love the same meal, so I pick and choose things I know everyone likes. Like tonight we're having panini's. My oldest loves them, my youngest hates them. So I'll make a side I know my youngest loves. I do think, in our case, it helps to know that my kids food choices are considered. And when it's a night that they don't like the main dish, there will be at least one side they do like.

And we have a 2 bite rule. After that, I don't care.

[kjbrown92]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

What I do is meal plan. None of all love the same meal, so I pick and choose things I know everyone likes. Like tonight we're having panini's. My oldest loves them, my youngest hates them. So I'll make a side I know my youngest loves. I do think, in our case, it helps to know that my kids food choices are considered. And when it's a night that they don't like the main dish, there will be at least one side they do like.

And we have a 2 bite rule. After that, I don't care.

That's about the way I do it too. Make something I know that they'll like. So that if they eat their two bites of the salmon and the veggie, they can fill up on rice. With my kids, I often make a fruit plate and/or a veggie plate. I tell them they have to eat their age in pieces. If that's 7 carrot sticks, that's fine. If it's 2 pieces of pineapple, 3 carrot sticks, and 2 green pepper slices, that's fine too. And my kids aren't allowed to make ewww comments either. You may not like it, but I made it, and you can be polite about it. The constipation can be a food intolerance thing as well.

[anamama]

Like pp said, I try to have something on the table that each child likes- it could be apple slices or toast with butter or whatever, but then I know that they will enjoy eating something. I also offer my children a bedtime snack- something wholesome and small, like yogurt or toast with butter and honey.
What you are dealing with is stressful!! I stopped making meals that I like because the kids wouldn't eat them, and I am a single mama and can't eat all the rest. So now they have little old fashioned kid meals- boiled eggs with spinach and toast, grilled cheese and tomato soup, cheese omlettes, etc. Really simple stuff. It's much more relaxing around here at suppertime now. Good luck!

[lil_earthmomma]

I could have written your post. I too am a survivor of ED, and was classified as "picky". (I HATE this term. When gagging with tears streaming down my face, I am not being picky, this is an involuntary body response! )

Anyways, I found myself falling into similar patterns, or feeling guilty when my boys weren't eating veggies, etc.

Three peices of advice I received on MDC have saved my sanity.

1. Cook for yourself. Cook to your tastes, enjoyment and loves. (Other than spiciness, which I add after I dish the boys out, I do this. I cook using flavors, herbs and foods that I love.) That way, even if the dish bombs with the kids, you are enjoying every bite.

2. Always put something on the table the kids will eat. For us this is a platter of veggies with homemade ranch dip, cut up cheese, meat and fruit. Also I keep a bowl of grated parmesan cheese out on the table as ds1 finds most things more palettable with cheese sprinkled on top.

3. The "no thank you bite." This is a godsend! The choruses of ew are stopped with a "you can tell me it's yucky or gross or ew AFTER you have your no thank you bite, but not before. You don't know that it's gross till you've tasted it. After you have your no thank you bite you may tell me no thank you and you don't have to have anymore." If this is met is more protests, I take the bite and put it on the spoon/fork and remove the bowl to show that they will not have to endure any more of the torturous meal.

If for some reason it is becoming a battle of wills even to eat that bite, I simply tell them that they can't have more of ________ until they eat that bite, and leave it at that. They do not have to sit at the table, or be force fed the bite, it's their choice.

Hopefully you can find some peace at dinner. It's so hard, I know.

[cristeen]

I'm with the pp - don't allow them to malign the foods. A comment of "I don't like it" or "I don't care for it" is very different from allowing a comment of "ewww". One is respectfully polite and the other is not, and it completely dismisses the effort you have put into preparing a meal.

I would also say that they're old enough to be involved in both the meal planning and the preparation. Getting them involved can really help mitigate a lot of the fighting about food. They get to have a say in what's for dinner, and they get to have an appreciation for the effort that went into preparing it.

[Heatherb917]

I so feel for you. I just became convicted about the same thing today. I have a 4yo who is repulsed by the sight of meat. And I'm so tired of making separate things for him (that really end up only being semi-healthy). So, I resolved today that I will make complete meals that will include something that he likes, even if it's cut up fruit, which normally wouldn't go with the dinner. He will have EVERYTHING that we are eating on his plate. He may choose to eat it or not. But he cannot say ewwwww, only, no thank you. And if he chooses not to eat any of the dinner, the fruit bowl is open 24/7.

He is old enough that I feel like he can understand, so I had a conversation that went something like this: I know that you do not like every food. Mommy works very hard to make foods that will make your body strong. So, every meal there will be foods that are the "best choice" for your body. You can choose to eat them or not. But it hurts my feelings when you "ewww," so you may say No, Thank you. It is your choice to eat the food or not. But if you choose not to eat it, then you can choose an item from the fruit bowl.

My husband and I have a terrible time with not cajoling him to eat. My husband doesn't think we should stop, but I am tired of the constant chatter about it during the dinner table, and I feel like we're manipulating him. When he was two, I felt like it was ok to talk about which foods give you muscles and which don't, but now I'm just over it. My current 2yo is not picky, so why should my 4yo continue to get all of this attention over food? Yuck.

Be strong mama! I'm right there with you.

[katelove]

I really like this website. There is heaps of advice and info about kids and eating. http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squarespace.com/

[peaceful_mama]

I have 2 fairly non-picky children. And one baby who, so far, happily eats pretty much whatever I put in front of him, so long as it is not hardboiled eggs (so it looks like I have 3 nonpicky children)

*Most* of the time, DH and I, the main cooks of the house, make meals to suit *our* tastes. (other than spiciness as another poster said) But herb-wise, flavor wise, what-it-is wise, it is what WE wanted to make and eat.

They come to the table. The only meal that has a no-thank-you option is our big lunchtime meal when DS1 has just come home from school and has eaten there.

MOST of the time, they have everything we are eating on their plates. Sometimes, I make their plates, sometimes they do, sometimes it's a combination, depending on what it is. *Usually* they will take at least a little of everything.

IF they took something, I will ask them to try it before I give them seconds on something. (this is not a rule I've explained, so far, it's worked like a reminder, I'll just say it like a suggestion and so far, they have always done it.)

IF they have at least tried everything they took, I'll usually give seconds on one thing--like more chicken even if they haven't eaten ALL the salad they took.

I only make comments about what they do/don't have/haven't eaten in terms of reminding them not to waste food (I.E. when I see what appears to be an amount they'll eat of that food, "OK, eat that first and if you need more, it'll be here.")

a few things that I think are HUGE:
They see the rest of us do things like take a small first helping and seconds if we like/want more of it.

I talk to them about when I'm trying a new food too. For example, one night I found a recipe using kale. I'd never cooked with it. When they saw me cutting it up, they wanted to know what it was, so I told them and then told them that NONE of us had eaten this before, *I* would be trying it for the first time too.
They heard things like that a LOT this summer because we joined a CSA and got lots of new veggies

And they HAVE seen me dislike something and be honest about it without being rude. AFTER I have tried it, usually a couple bites of it.

Another thing I've found to be HUGE with my kids---start with SMALL SMALL portions. For one, it eliminates my feelings about wasting food, so I don't nag at them to try, finish, etc. And two, I think the kids see it as more manageable, especially if they're not sure about the food--they're not seeing this huge amount and feeling possibly like they're going to be pressured to eat it.
And I *think* in the end they eat more. Because they'll *try* it and then *THEY* discover they like it and help themselves to more...which somehow works.