4 yo dd low self esteem?!!? help.

indigo515 · 11-04-2009, 11:22 PM

Little background.

-We are a TV free family (a few occasional, select DVD's/movies here and there)
-I'm a SAHM and Dp works from home, so we spend a lot of time together as a family.
-dd is 4.5 and started a Montessori preschool in September. She attends 3days a week, 3 hours a day and seems to enjoy it.
-I am very conscious of the pressure placed on females to look a certain way. I do not talk badly about my appearance or weight.

Here are a few comments that dd has made recently (past few months) that has me feeling perplexed and to be honest, sad.

"I wish my hair was straight. Curly hair isn't as good as straight hair."

"My shirt isn't as nice as _______ is."

"_____ has a better face than I do!!"

"I don't have nice toys like _____."

"I have to wear pink or _______ wont like me."

I just don't get it. Is this normal??? I just cant believe that a 4 year old is saying this! When I was putting her to bed tonight we read a book about a little girl that was going to bed. It was basically pics of the little girl getting PJ's on and doing her whole bed time routine. After I was finished reading the book to dd, I made a comment about the last page in the book, how the room looked nice with the moon shining in, etc. And then dd starts with "her room is better than mine, my room is smudgy and drudgey. All her toys are better than mine." I point out that dd has things in her room that the little girl in the book doesn't have, and how most children would really love to have a room like hers. I also mention how we should be thankful because some children don't even have beds, etc. Then she flips to the page of the girl putting PJ's on " but I don't have pajamas like that, mine are yucky!" and she flips to the page of the mama helping the little girl bathe, "I don't have hair like that, that hair is better!"

At this point I'm feeling upset. A mix between feeling sad because I feel she doesn't realize how wonderful her things are, sad because this much focus is on "things", and sad because I feel the genesis of all this is low self esteem....and she's 4! And how did this happen!?!

But that wasn't the end of it, she flipped the page again, to the page of the girl changing socks and said "and look, her socks are normal and clean. Mine are stinky!"

Just let me say, her socks are not stinky.

I just don't understand. I honestly don't know what to think.

I dont think the comments about the book would have set me off if it was just that. Its just everything combined.

any thoughts would be appreciated

indigo515 · 11-05-2009, 06:47 PM

Cygnet09 · 11-05-2009, 09:59 PM

I have a few thoughts. I have a feeling she is "trying out" this new behavior. How does it feel to not be satisfied with what she has? It's possible that there is a little friend of hers at school who says these things - not necessarily to your daughter ("I won't like you if you don't wear pink") but to her friends/teachers - and your DD is now trying out how that feels.

Sometimes, especially when it is a new behavior, I just go on a fantasy trip with them. "You're right! Your socks are sooooo stinky! They smell like _insert gross age-appropriate item here_!!!" And I also dream with them about fantasy stuff, too. "I wish we could paint your walls sparkly purple and hang butterflies from the ceiling! What color do you wish the walls were?" And this allows them to feel safe about expressing negative emotions as well as validating their feelings. Don't we all wish things were better sometimes? If she gets a negative reaction from you (and I've btdt!) then it can easily turn into a trigger for her and she may not ever get it "out of her system". Whereas fantasizing can help release some of those feelings and it also tells her that you're there, you're listening, but it's not a big deal.

I hope that helps a little! She sounds super smart and very aware of the world around her!

indigo515 · 11-06-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cygnet09

I have a few thoughts. I have a feeling she is "trying out" this new behavior. How does it feel to not be satisfied with what she has? It's possible that there is a little friend of hers at school who says these things - not necessarily to your daughter ("I won't like you if you don't wear pink") but to her friends/teachers - and your DD is now trying out how that feels.

Sometimes, especially when it is a new behavior, I just go on a fantasy trip with them. "You're right! Your socks are sooooo stinky! They smell like _insert gross age-appropriate item here_!!!" And I also dream with them about fantasy stuff, too. "I wish we could paint your walls sparkly purple and hang butterflies from the ceiling! What color do you wish the walls were?" And this allows them to feel safe about expressing negative emotions as well as validating their feelings. Don't we all wish things were better sometimes? If she gets a negative reaction from you (and I've btdt!) then it can easily turn into a trigger for her and she may not ever get it "out of her system". Whereas fantasizing can help release some of those feelings and it also tells her that you're there, you're listening, but it's not a big deal.

I hope that helps a little! She sounds super smart and very aware of the world around her!

Thank you for replying, I really needed a different perspective. I already feel more relaxed reading your thoughts on this. :-)

Hokulele · 11-07-2009, 12:30 PM

Cygnet - I really like your advice. I've tried the wishing / fantasy talk with my four year old and often it is really effective.

OP - I think your DD might benefit from some of the picture storybooks out there that focus on self-esteem. I wish I could remember the names of some ... I'll surf around amazon.com and come back if I find them!