Help With Toddler

[Aliyahsmommy]

I want to start off by saying that I am sure a lot of moms have gone through this and a lot of it is typical toddler behavior and also that it is because I happen to have a very spirited toddler. I also realize that being 37 weeks pregnant is not helping my patience level. I am looking for some guidance however as I do feel a little lost about gentle discipline right now and feel more like I cater to my toddler and give in to her every whim even at the expense of myself.
My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and very verbal and very spirited. I feel like all she does all day long is whine at me to do things for her and even when I do say "NO" she continues to whine or throw a tantrum and I feel like giving in is the only way to make it end! I feel like I say yes almost too often that she doesn't ever want to accept no and thinks the more she asks then sooner or later she will get what she wants. In a way she has a point as I do give in, but only because I do not know how else to end the whining, constant asking, and tantrums.
I also am having a hard time deciding when it is okay to say no or insist that she do something. Here are some examples...1)She hates to wear her coat and no matter how cold she gets will not put on the coat so the natural consequence really does not work. 2)We are cuddling in bed at night and she wants me to tickle her, but I am exhausted and don't want to...is it horrible if I politely refuse and then how do I extinguish the tantrum that will come from my saying no. 3)She wants to be carried instead of walking or sometimes riding in the cart but I am exhausted and can't imagine carrying her, but if I try to explain that she throws a huge tantrum and screams and cries and follows me grabbing at my legs with no end in sight. Or I am already holding another child who cannot walk as I watch kids and soon will also have a new baby so holding her is not always an option unless I want to be miserable carrying around two kids!
Another problem is that she is very very high needs and every two seconds she wants a drink, snack, help going potty, shoes on and then off and then on, clothes on and off, etc etc and it is exhausting! I feel like I can't get a minutes peace because if I even ask her to wait for one minute she starts whining and just repeating the request over and over again until I want to scream. I just feel like I have "that" toddler...the one I used to see and think my child will never behave like that.
Naptimes and bedtimes have become a disaster. She screams and tantrums if we even try to set up a routine where she has a bedtime and falls asleep in her own bed. She wants to lay with us and fall asleep, but again she is very very high needs so I feel overwhelmed at that point like I cannot even get a moment to myself. And for some reason she refuses to let her father tickle her at night or cuddle with her or a lot of times even do anything for her during the day that might give me a little break. If he even tries to take over so I can have a moment she starts screaming and crying for me.
Yesterday was my breaking point and I horribly told her to shutup a handful of times and I just wanted to be left alone and I do not want to be that kind of mother...I just need some guidance. *Sorry this was so long*

[WhiteHorse]

I am not an expert here, just wanted to reach out in sympathy because I know what you are going through. I too have a toddler with issues (see Hitting in this forum). So hugs to you!! I think you said yourself what the problem may be - that you cater to her every whim and this is definitely something to think about. You cannot do this as it is not practical or natural at all, even though some of the newer thought *seems* to advocate it. Children do crave boundaries! I have found that keeping it quiet and matter of fact works to eliminate whining, and later when they're older, arguing. You do not need to explain in 7 different ways why - simple statement and then go about your tasks without getting emotional yourself. Yes she may cling to your leg, scream, throw objects, etc. It does help to decide in your mind in advance what you will tolerate, what you will do and what you expect so you don't have that pause of hesitation when dealing with the issue when it comes up. The more consistent you are, the easier it will be for her to understand that no means no. For instance, we have a king size bed that is high off the floor - my son likes to walk around and jump precariously on it but my rule is he has to sit or lay down when he's up there. If he stands up, I put him on the floor. Period. So for your annoyances, decide what you don't want - like the tickling, maybe set a certain place she can get tickled, like a certain chair, but when its time for bed once you're in bed, no tickling - does that make sense? The taking clothes off and on - I would give her a specific time when clothes changing occurs and stick to it. The coat, just put it on her and insist she keep it on. If she takes it off, put it back on her - over and over if that's what it takes. After the 118th time, she will give up. I know listening to the whining and screaming can be unnerving!!!!!!! Sometimes you have physical battles. But certain things must get done (diaper changing, which he hates with a deadly passion, coats, etc.) My son's middle name is "relentless" which is why I have come to the place where I do the all or nothing approach with him as it is the only solution. I wish you all the best!!!

[Aliyahsmommy]

Thanks for your input I have been sick with the flu for the last few days so haven't been able to respond. My husband and I have been dealing with a tantrum for last hour with my little one regarding putting on underwear or a diaper...good news is we haven't given in...bad news is neither has she! I'm at a loss and exhausted!

[Aliyahsmommy]

Well almost two hours later she finally agreed to put on a diaper. She then apologized to both me and daddy and gave us hugs and was back to her sweet self.
Unfortunately she spent an hour with me just letting her tantrum and trying to negotiate, which did not work. Then I spent 15 minutes or so with her on the stairs in a "time in," which did not work. And lastly we ended up spending about 10 minutes in a "time-out" in her room, which ultimately is when she decided that she would rather put on the diaper and/or underwear...she chose diaper.

I suppose I am satisfied with the fact that we got through the tantrum and the end result achieved was satisfactory and I somehow managed not to lose my temper, but I just wish it hadn't of taken a two hour tantrum for this result.

[ewe+lamb]

You mentioned that you are 37 weeks pregnant, it would seem to me that your dd is maybe alittle stressed about what may happen in the weeks to come but is unable to express this in a manner which we are used too, it's not easy I know, but she is still a small child, showing her mum and dad that she's a bit concerned about a new baby in the family, I would try and have a simple chat maybe with a book about the arrival of the new baby, maybe give her little tasks that she can do to help, such as bring a clean nappy to you or some article of clothing so that she feels needed and find her 'new' place in the family, I read somewhere about a parenting workshop and the arrival of a new baby, however, in the role play it was the arrival of a new partner and role playing out how the 'old' partner felt, it was most interesting. I think maybe to acknowledge her feelings of anxiety may help in this instance. May I also recommend reading Liberated Parents Liberated Children and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - Faber Mazlish, they really are wonderful books and although your 2.5 year old may seem a little young for this at the moment, you'll be amazed at the results that these two books can achieve - i am a great fan - lol. Anyway I'm rambling now, hope that this has helped a little and keep posting - we're here to help you get through it all!! Good luck!