Sad about something my daughter just said

[JillChristina]

My 7 yr old daughter has been going through a lot of emotional changes in the past couple of months. Making lots of observations about people's appearances (mostly just said to me, very matter-of-fact), wanting to know more about sex, just general transition from little child to older, more aware child. This morning she said to me, "Mom, something I tell myself sometimes is 'I don't make fat friends'." She said this sort of sadly, because I'm sure she knows this isn't a "good" thing to think. I responded that I thought she'd be limiting herself if she only made friends with non-overweight kids. That there are plenty of people who are overweight and wonderful friends and plenty of people who are smaller and NOT great friends. I finished by saying that I felt she should choose her friend based on what kind of friends they are to her, not what they look like.

But this just makes my heart ache! See, I am fat/overweight. I was also "that fat kid" who was often picked on by other kids in school. I still carry that hurt inside me. How can I continue to reinforce to my daughter that people have value, no matter their appearance/race/religion/etc? I know I can't say something like this once and have it stick. I need to keep repeating it and also live what I say (which I think I do). Any ideas or commiseration?

[Evie's Mama]

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like her comment was more an observation of the friends she currently has. If she had said that she doesn't want fat friends or doesn't like people like that or something, then I would be concerned. Otherwise it sounds like simply a child's observation.

I think you did handle it well though and would continue to reinforce people's internal worth. If it comes up again, maybe as her to explain her observation or see if she will elaborate on why she doesn't have any "fat" friends.

[Porcelain Interior]

She could be getting pressure from friends at school, I know my recently turned 8 yo dd has struggled with friend groups when someone decides one child "doesn't belong" and can't be "friends" with the group. It's been her at one point because she can't run fast.

My DD has never said she wouldn't be friends with kids who are overweight, but she has told me her friends exclude one child that is very overweight. It makes her sad.

Something like this could be at play with your child. It's very hard to not "conform" to group expectations at this age if a child knows they'll end up friendless for bucking the group.

I've talked about what makes people good friend material with my kids since they were born and talking about standing up for what's right, or doing what your heart tells you is right.

I think it lays a foundation for them to stand up for their budding beliefs, or take a leader stance and say "This isn't ok!" Which is what my children have done to mean spirited kids.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by Evie's Mama

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like her comment was more an observation of the friends she currently has. If she had said that she doesn't want fat friends or doesn't like people like that or something, then I would be concerned. Otherwise it sounds like simply a child's observation.

I think you did handle it well though and would continue to reinforce people's internal worth. If it comes up again, maybe as her to explain her observation or see if she will elaborate on why she doesn't have any "fat" friends.

I agree with this PP. I think sometimes as adults, we kind of read more into things kids say than they actually mean. You heard this and thought "She's prejudiced against fat people!" whereas maybe she was just thinking of her friends and realizing she didn't have any friends who were fat.

As I think about my friends, I do have fat friends but right now, all of my close friends are white. That doesn't mean that I have something against non-white people, it just means that I'm not friends with any right now. It could be as simple as that for your daughter too.

[meemee]

yup i would agree with pp. dont judge too harshly yet.

i have heard the same comment from my 7 year old going thru the same emotional phase as yours.

i know with my dd its a confusion between being healthy and not healthy. her dad is a v. physical person. she knows its not healthy being fat. she herself has been called fat when she really isnt.

i think its more of a inner processing.

[amcal]

I agree - it sounds like it was more of an observation than a statement of preference or choice.

Maybe saying, "Hmmmm, I wonder why that is?" or engaging her in a discussion of her observations might help figure out what she's thinking.

[NiteNicole]

she knows its not healthy being fat

Well that's not necessarily even true and frankly, one of the more ignorant things fat people are up against.

I have a very healthy little girl who is also a bit of a chunk. She's not fat, but she's taller and bigger than most kids her age. She has a very healthy diet and she's very active. It would break my heart if some kids didn't want to be friends with her because she's "fat" and fat people are "unhealthy." It would break hers, too. She's every bit as sensitive as any other child, and she's just as aware.

Honestly, it IS something I would address. I am very lucky. I was chunky as a child but no one was ever mean to me about it - I guess there were always a few other actual fat kids to take the fall. The stories other people tell and the things they carry even from kindergarten are too sad to just brush off.

OP, I would first find out if your daughter has just noticed - hey, I don't have any fat friends or if she's actually leaving out fat children on purpose or if there's some new peer thing going on in her group of friends. And from there, I think it would be just fine to say - I am fat. How would you feel if "insert random parent of one of her friends" wouldn't be nice to me just because I am fat? How do you think that would make ME feel? Am I any different, just because I'm bigger than some other Mommies?

I am TERRIFIED of sending my daughter to school. She's nearly four and the closer she gets to school age and the more interaction we have with kids who are school aged, the more I'm afraid. Some of the things kids say to each other are just horrible, and it's so scary that one kind of mean kid can rule the whole bunch - and how much of this happens with parent approval (we were at a playground yesterday and witnessed some pretty ugly exclusion going on right under the nose of the ringleader's parent and I was just shocked). Which is not to say, OP, that you've somehow set your daughter up for this but that it only takes one ringleader kid with a thing against the fat girl and suddenly your daughter is in the position of "if I'm nice to her, no one will be nice to me."

Maybe I'm over thinking THIS particular situation, but the social drama among very young children can be brutal and I think it's worth putting an end to it, bit by bit, when we can.

[JillChristina]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

OP, I would first find out if your daughter has just noticed - hey, I don't have any fat friends or if she's actually leaving out fat children on purpose or if there's some new peer thing going on in her group of friends. And from there, I think it would be just fine to say - I am fat. How would you feel if "insert random parent of one of her friends" wouldn't be nice to me just because I am fat? How do you think that would make ME feel? Am I any different, just because I'm bigger than some other Mommies?

I guess I should have added more info in my original post. I did ask her, "Do you mean you don't want to be friends with fat kids?" and to that she said yes. However, I have never seen her NOT want to be friends with anyone. My daughter loves people, not just kids, and wants to be friends with EVERYONE. Thankfully we're able to homeschool so I'm with her almost all the time and can witness/monitor most of the interactions she has with other kids. Just this year we've started attending a local homeschool resource center/alternative school (where I'm with her while she's there) and she is being exposed to more kids. I'm glad I can be with her and we can discuss troubling interactions, etc right when they happen. I'm also glad she feels comfortable enough telling me these thoughts so we can discuss them.

Thank you all for your support and ideas. It means a lot to me. This transition from younger, somewhat oblivious child to older, more aware, and deep thinking child has been hard for me. I've frequently felt caught off guard and am trying to adapt as quickly as I can. No one ever said raising kids was boring, did they?

[Heavenly]

Well, maybe I am a bit more of a mean mom because I would have nipped that one in the bud REALLY fast. How would you have reacted had she said, "I don't want to make black friends," or "I don't want to make friends with handicapped people." I bet you would have been alot more proactive about. "Fat" people are a category that for some reason people still think it's not that big of a deal to discriminate against. But it is. IMO what your daughter said was horrible and I would have told her so. I would have likely said something along the lines of, "DD, that is a horrible thing to say! It is completely wrong to not want to be friends with someone because of that. How would you feel if someone did want to be friends with you because of (insert something about her appearance here)?" Then we would spend a LOT of time talking about how that is wrong and about appearance and about treating people fairly. I would honestly feel appalled and quite frankly, ashamed at myself, if my daughter felt that way. If this all sounds harsh just put the word African-American or Asian or Hispanic in place of all the fats and see if you still think it's too harsh.

[JillChristina]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

Well, maybe I am a bit more of a mean mom because I would have nipped that one in the bud REALLY fast. How would you have reacted had she said, "I don't want to make black friends," or "I don't want to make friends with handicapped people." I bet you would have been alot more proactive about. "Fat" people are a category that for some reason people still think it's not that big of a deal to discriminate against. But it is. IMO what your daughter said was horrible and I would have told her so. I would have likely said something along the lines of, "DD, that is a horrible thing to say! It is completely wrong to not want to be friends with someone because of that. How would you feel if someone did want to be friends with you because of (insert something about her appearance here)?" Then we would spend a LOT of time talking about how that is wrong and about appearance and about treating people fairly. I would honestly feel appalled and quite frankly, ashamed at myself, if my daughter felt that way. If this all sounds harsh just put the word African-American or Asian or Hispanic in place of all the fats and see if you still think it's too harsh.

Yes, still a little too harsh for my liking, even if she'd replaced the "fat" with something else. I want to teach my daughter, not shame her. We have spent A LOT of time over the past couple of months talking about people's differences. If I verbally tear her head off every time she says something like this to me (which is not often, thank you very much) I can guarantee she'll stop being so open with me. I guess you have to know us and I guess you had to be there.

Whether you meant it this way or not, your post felt like an attack. While I do my very best to teach my daughter right and wrong, I am NOT in control of her thoughts, speech, or actions. She is her own person. I am trying desperately to guide her through this world and to teach her to be a good, loving person. Trying being the operative word here. Trying, each and every day.

Jill

[EnviroBecca]

I want to teach my daughter, not shame her. We have spent A LOT of time over the past couple of months talking about people's differences. If I verbally tear her head off every time she says something like this to me (which is not often, thank you very much) I can guarantee she'll stop being so open with me.

I agree completely! If she dares admit to a bit of self-talk that (as you said, you could tell from the way she said it) she knows is not ideal, and you tell her it is "horrible" and "completely wrong" to have let that thought even cross her mind, she certainly won't seek your help in dealing with these kinds of struggles again.

My son is younger, but when he recently said, vehemently, "I don't like boys! I only play with the girls!" I replied, very calmly, "Oh, you've been noticing that all your favorite friends are girls." He gave me a strangely relieved look and said, "Yes. Except for..." and proceeded to name about 5 boys. Then he talked at length about how sometimes he is put off by the tough attitudes or violent play of some boys. I said things like, "You don't like playing fighting games because somebody might get hurt." It turned into a discussion of interpersonal skills and types of play; it wasn't really about gender much at all. But if I had said, "That is a horrible thing to say! It is completely wrong to not want to be friends with someone just because he's a boy!" or, "Oh come on now, you like Max and Noah and..." then we could not have had that conversation.

When I was about your daughter's age, obesity was less common, and I only knew two kids who were really what I thought of as "fat", a girl and a boy. It happened that both of them were hostile, manipulative kids I found very intimidating. After a while I realized that I was thinking, "Fat kids are mean." and I worked on thinking, "Tracy and Chris are mean." and "Tracy and Chris are fat." as two separate ideas. I don't recall mentioning this to my parents, but if I had I hope they would have helped me work that out rather than shaming me for having had such a thought.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

My son is younger, but when he recently said, vehemently, "I don't like boys! I only play with the girls!" I replied, very calmly, "Oh, you've been noticing that all your favorite friends are girls." He gave me a strangely relieved look and said, "Yes. Except for..." and proceeded to name about 5 boys. Then he talked at length about how sometimes he is put off by the tough attitudes or violent play of some boys. I said things like, "You don't like playing fighting games because somebody might get hurt." It turned into a discussion of interpersonal skills and types of play; it wasn't really about gender much at all. But if I had said, "That is a horrible thing to say! It is completely wrong to not want to be friends with someone just because he's a boy!" or, "Oh come on now, you like Max and Noah and..." then we could not have had that conversation.

What a great post. Thanks for posting that. I gain so much wisdom from MDC.

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by JillChristina

I want to teach my daughter, not shame her.
...
If I verbally tear her head off every time she says something like this to me (which is not often, thank you very much) I can guarantee she'll stop being so open with me.
...
I am NOT in control of her thoughts, speech, or actions. She is her own person. I am trying desperately to guide her through this world and to teach her to be a good, loving person. Trying being the operative word here. Trying, each and every day.

What a great way to put it

[meemee]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Well that's not necessarily even true and frankly, one of the more ignorant things fat people are up against.

well the whole key is with teh definition of 'fat' here.

she is seeing herself who is chunky but healthy but definitely rounder than the other kids. she also sees my very obese friends having health issues. she did have confusion issues when she was younger because her dad called her fat and unhealthy, until i pointed out that is her normal growth pattern. so grows chunky over summer - squat and round and then end of summer she shoots up huge and loses that extra chunk she carries.

the movie bridge to terabithia really helped her have super confidence over being called names. she sees teh difference between her and her super thin friends. so she notes the difference, however she likes to handle her own battles. i have brought her up to believe that there are not 'bad' people in the world. there are good people who do bad things in an error of judgement. i have also brought her up to believe that everyone has a mouth. everyone has a right to their opinion. why should you accept someones opinion as the truth. in fact the one who called her fat is one of her good friends now.

[NiteNicole]

she did have confusion issues when she was younger because her dad called her fat and unhealthy, until i pointed out that is her normal growth pattern.

I hope you also pointed out that it's mean and rude to harp on someone's weight, especially when that someone is your own child.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I hope you also pointed out that it's mean and rude to harp on someone's weight, especially when that someone is your own child.

aaaargh!!! no i didnt!!! it would just start a big fight.

instead it really started a good conversation between my dd and me. i asked her does she think she is fat. how different is she. just because he says that does that is what she is.

i mean i am mad at her and use a strict tone of voice. but just coz i am mad does that mean i dont love her.

aaargh i was soooo mad when he did that. along with his dad (his dad i can understand - he had read up about child obesity and he was genuinely concerned about his gdd mainly coz his other son always fought weight issues since a child and continues to this day). what i did do was call ex and ask him what he looked like at dd's age. he didnt know or didnt want to say. so i pointed out how he was mr chubby till he was in his early teens when he lost his weight. i had to when dd told me he had created a track in their backyard and was making her run instead of taking her to the park. yeah!!!! can you believe that?!!!! to top it she IS a high energy child.

anyway those indirect ways of conversation worked better with him, rather than directly talking to him. directly pointing out her body changes over season is what really helped him.

it also brought up the super skinny models we see everywhere. i dont tell my dd anything. i just ask her - they look beautiful of course but do they look healthy being so thin.