Four kids...very little help?

[berry987]

I'm newly pregnant with my 4th baby and suddenly feeling scared. By the time the baby is born we will have a 5 year old, 3 year old and 18 month old (and newborn). Things are going fine now....exhausting, of course, but I enjoy my kids most days and only feel overwhelmed occasionally.

But my DH works from home right now (I am a SAHM). He is in his basement office most of the day, but I get help well into the morning (until 9:30am or so), at lunch, and he is up from his office by 5:30pm most days. During my youngest two nap times, I can take my oldest son and run to the grocery store because my DH is home.

So the big change is that my DH is looking for a new job. Working from home is great for it's flexibility, but his salary is not great and he finds the job boring and unrewarding. He is a very social person and misses the office atmosphere. And I miss having my own space and some separation from him during the day.

Before his work from home job, he worked in the the nearby city and his commute was 1 hour each way. He liked his job, but the commute was rough. All the jobs he is applying to now are in that city. So we're talking a return to the hour commute and LONG days.

The last time we had that schedule I only had two kids (they were 3 and 1 when he quit). So now I am really starting to worry. What if he goes back to a city job and I am miserable and overwhelmed with four kids? But at the same time, we can't really afford for him to keep this job and our marriage is suffering because we spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME together.

Does anyone have four kids and have very little help during the day? The plus is, if he goes back to the city, we might be able to afford a bi-weekly house cleaner.

Are we crazy for not trying to make his current job work? (move to a less expensive area, etc.)

[skueppers]

Would it be possible for you to move closer to the city and reduce his commuting time?

I only have two kids, so I can't address your real question, but my husband works 10 minutes away from home, and it's great! He even comes home for lunch some days.

If he doesn't actually like his current job, I don't know what the incentive would be to move to a less expensive area to make it work. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[Red Pajama]

I've got three kids, and my husband works terribly long hours with a long commute. I found that getting the hang of how family works after the newest addition was tough at first, but as the baby (and twins) got older, and I got more used to the new us, things became much easier. Things that saved my sanity was a sling, and a big stroller. I could keep the twins in the stroller and the baby in the sling, and we could get to the library or go for a walk safely. Will your oldest be away part of the day for school or are you homeschooling? That will affect how your day flows, too.

I don't know if you have family close at all, but if so, be sure to let them help, too.


Good luck!

[Drummer's Wife]

I have four kids (ages 2, 4, 6, and 8) and my DH works in the city (about 45 min drive.) He is gone from 9 ish - 6 ish. The good thing is his schedule is flexible in that he can leave at noon if I have to be somewhere or really need his help, and he works from home pretty often. But, the majority of the time I am alone during the day, without help, for about 9 hrs. I have two kids in school full-time, and one part-time -- so that definitely makes it easier. It used to be much more challenging when I had all four kids all day (and my DH had frequent band practice and gigs) but at this point it's not bad at all. Sooo, hang in there, get used to having a fourth child and finding your groove. Not sure if you are homeschooling, but if not the older ones will be in school soon and the baby will get bigger and more independent.

The house-keeper sounds like a good plan, and maybe even an occasional mother's helper if you feel like you need it?

[mkarntz]

I have three kids and pg...mine are a bit older but one has moderate autism they are: 8, 6 (autism) and 3. My dh works construction, has like a 1-2 hour commute to and from work..he is gone from 5am-6pm ( in the summer he doesnt get home till 8 or 9). I dont have any family nearby, I am a little worried but I guess I am just used to not having help.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by berry987

Does anyone have four kids and have very little help during the day?

Yes. Those were hard days. Four under four and no help, no break, etc. Hang in there, be kind, play with your kids and love them, and trust your instincts.

[AllisonK]

Mine are a little older but I have four. Ages 8, 6, 3, and 19 months. When our 4th was born ages were 7, 5, and 23 months. It was hard and still is but we do it. DH is also lucky enough to have a flexible schedule. He is usually gone from 9-6 monday-fri. He also is on call one weekend a month which sucks.

[SageR]

It sounds to me as if you've given this a lot of thought. Money isn't the only issue, so it's not like moving would address all the issues. I adore my dh but if he was home all day we would both go nuts. time apart can be a very necessary thing!

With my own children and the boys I watch I have a one year old, two year old, three year old, and four year old from about 7 to 5 each day, plus my 8 year old dss from 3 on. My dh works out of the home 5-6 days a week, about 6 to 6.

I find it's actually not that bad as long as I don't try to do anything except hang out with them, pick up toys as we go along, and prepare simple meals (apples and cheese, pb&j, cereal, grilled cheese). I do the dishes and laundry if they all take a nap or in the evening when my dh gets home. I do all my errands and shopping and clean the bathrooms on Saturday.

I think first off, you need to agree that your dh's work is his job and your work is caring for the children, but chores are a joint effort. That means they get done outside normal working hours, so to speak. Whether you do some and he does some, or you pay someone else - though I would go for a mother's helper over a bi weekly cleaner. You will get a lot more time for your money and I actually find doing chores without a little one clinging to my leg can be a welcome break in the middle of the day.

You also need to agree to arrange some time for you to be alone. If you don't make it part of your routine it might not happen so be firm about it! My dh does something called "boys night" on weekend nights. He and the older boys camp out on the living room floor and watch a movie or play games. Once my nursling is asleep I have the evening to myself. That time to just be alone without anyone needing anything from me is really nice. I usually just read or watch a movie but it doesn't matter....I'm alone .

[sapientia]

We have 5 ages 15, 13, 11, 9 and 1 1/2...and believe me the early years with four was a little challenging here and there-I had no support, and dh worked crazy hours. My family was no help, I was sort of left hanging.

I learned to prioritize, and to relax and remember that those 'little' years are ultimately a short season, and sure enough we made it through.

We did a lot of arts and crafts, took walks (getting out of the house a little each week was important), and really I tried not to focus on the lack of help-I focused on how each day was a memory in the making.

There were hard days, and days when nothing got done and I cried when nothing went right, but overall-it is worth it.

[gaudynight]

You've had some great advice here.

I have four under 7, and we're homeschooling. DH works long but flexible hours. The most important thing for us has been routine, so everyone knows what's coming next (especially important for DD1, who struggles with transitions and change). It keeps me sane (sane-ish?) because I can mark things off on my mental checklist and feel like I've accomplished something. (Everyone's had breakfast? Check. Teeth brushed? Check.)

Schedule some time for yourself, and time with your DH. Sometimes when DD4 is napping, I'll let the others watch a DVD so I can just sit and think in peace. We're talking two-three times a week, which is more than I thought I'd allow, but sometimes things have to give a little, you know?

Along those lines, prioritise. For me, number one is everyone's physical and emotional welfare - fed, snuggled, diapers changed, whatever. Second is the big girls' school - they're still young enough that we don't need to do a huge amount every day. When they're older, who knows. Third is things like paying bills. Housework falls off the bottom of the list. I try to keep up with kitchen/bathrooms/floors for hygiene reasons, and laundry out of necessity, but otherwise... We have someone who comes once a month to vacuum, dust, clean everything properly.

You can't do it all. Don't make yourself feel guilty because you can't. Sit down with DH and work out what your priorities are for your family. What can you compromise on? What happens if you get sick?

That said, it is possible to have a happy, healthy family. Sometimes I've got DD1 refusing to do her maths and a crying baby and meowing cats and DDs2 & 3 are fighting and we're three days behind in the washing and there's no bread in the house and the sink is piled up with dirty dishes, but we get through it because we have to and we come out the other side and then we just find something to laugh about, even if it's something tiny and silly (what do you mean, you're fighting over a sock?)

Focus on enjoying your kids and everything else will fall into place.