Need advice of all kinds!!

[attached2mason]

I am 11 weeks pg with twins . I never imagined I would have twins but now that the stunned feeling has worn off I am excited about adding two more children to our little family. I must admit, though, that I am having trouble imagining how this will work . . . I mean, I know it will 'work out', I just mean I can't really imagine how to do things, yk?

A quick background . . .with DS (now almost 5) we coslept for the first couple years after which he made a slow transition to sleeping alone (around 3.5 this was done). He nursed on demand for a few years and then with gentle limits until shortly after his fourth birthday. I didn't even own a stroller the first year - just wore him when we went out. We cloth diapered. We delayed solids. We went out tons and spent lots of time socializing. This collection of things worked well for us . . . most of it wasn't deliberate, just what felt right at the time. Looking back, I can't imagine having done it any other way.

When I think about my new babies being born and how I will parent them - feed them, nighttime parent them, transport them, etc . . . it all seems so overwhelming. THe potential stress on my marriage (mostly from lack of sleep ) seems overwhelming. The cosleeping in particular seems tricky (I dont' sleep well on my back nor in between people). With one it was not easy but manageable, but with two . . . . okay, I'm freaking out a little.

Part of me thinks that I just won't know how to work things until I meet them and we'll figure it out then. Another part of me thinks that if I can get some wisdom, tips, "I wish I had known" statements, ideas, or whatever I can glean then perhaps I'll be better equipped to cope. Even little things, mundane logistical things that seem inconsequential . . .well, sometimes those things make all the difference.

So . . .is there a thread somewhere like this already? If not, would ya'll mind sharing some random thoughts with me? Talking me off the ledge maybe?

Thanks in advance

[shahjehan]

Congratulations and welcome !
Everything will turn out just fine. I don't have much time to post, but the part about cosleeping resonated with me. I hate sleeping between them and don't sleep well either. When they are tiny, I just swaddled them separately, put them right next to each other, and slept on one side of them. Now that they are toddlers and take up more space, we actually have two queen size mattresses on the floor in our room. I put them in the same bed when I nurse them down at night. As one wakes up to nurse (which they still do a couple times each), I move them to the other bed and we sleep there together. This flip-flop goes on as each wakes up. That way I am usually not sleeping between them (unless the other joins us), and not much sleep is lost moving between the beds. Works for us.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...8&highlight=ap

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...3&highlight=ap

Just some older threads that might have some info for you. There are more, and some other moms will probably have some great advice for you.
Jehan

[Valerieg]

I just recently found out about my twins too (though I'm 23 1/2 weeks). My thoughts were the same as yours because with my first two I did things very similarly to how you're describing except we only co-sleep for the first 8 weeks. It just doesn't work for our family (we made an effort).

FWIW, I've decided that I intend to parent exactly the same with the exception of them being in the bed for the first eight weeks. Instead, I hope to have a sidecar co-sleeper so both can be near me to nurse at night but I'm not sandwiched between them. One would be in the bed (whichever one I most recently nursed) and the other in the co-sleeper. I'm hoping this works!

Other than that, I hope to alternate time in the sling with time out of it (stroller, carrier, bouncy, etc). Though I actually can't wait to put them both in for the first couple months. Seems so cozy! I also don't want to buy any more strollers as I have a ton!

My cloth diaper stash is already growing. I think now more than ever it is important that I CD as the thought of putting 24-30 diapers in a landfill each day for awhile doesn't sit well with me. And, the thought of leaving the house with four little ones to buy diapers doesn't make sense. I'll just have to teach my helpers how to wash them for those early weeks.

IMO they are just babies. The workload will be more but I intend to try my damnedest not to stray from the parenting style I prefer. It might require more help but I'm determined.

Of course, I could be blindsided, but this is my hope.

[Red Pajama]

I won't lie, things will be harder, because there are two babies who will need you. But you'll be able to parent the way that is familiar to you.

With my twins, we did not cosleep full time. We played musical beds. The boys slept together in a bassinet of a pack-n-play for the first couple of months, and we woke them up and nursed them both each time one woke in the night. That ment that both husband and I were up for each feeding in the night. At some point, they started sleeping longer, and outgrew the bassinet, so we moved them to one crib in their room. I would get up and get the one awake, nurse back to sleep, and cosleep with that one until the other woke up. I then moved sleeping baby to the crib, or onto my husband's chest. Nurse second baby back to sleep. Repeat. It sounds worse than I remember it being.

We cloth diaperd the twins, and that wasn't any big deal. We just needed a bunch of diapers.

As for wearing the babies, my husband and I both had slings, although I used one longer than he did. He preferred just to carry, rather than sling. We did not use a stroller for anything except going for walks.

If you can, try to set up live in help (your mother, his mother, a sibling of one of yours...) for a few weeks after the babies come home. We found that we needed one adult for each baby, and somone else to manage meals. We could have gotten by with less help, but there was a lot less crying this way.
My doctor specefically requested that my husband take additional time off, which he did through FMLA (family-medical leave). I think he had three weeks--it made a huge difference.

Good luck! It's a fun ride, and there is life after twinfancy.

[amnesiac]

My only real advice is to do what works. My twins were first & I did implement things a little differently because there were two of them but the concepts were basically the same as what I did with dd. Be patient & be flexible.

[attached2mason]

Thanks for everything so far, mamas. This helps. A lot. Hearing about how others made it work/made it through makes it feel more manageable (and imagineable )

I really wish we could have extra help the first few weeks. DH will be home for 4 weeks and then my mom will come fom Baltimore once school lets out for the year and will hopefully stay for a few weeks, maybe a month. My MIL is coming for four days in early June - to go to a wedding and meet the babies . I am so dissapointed that she isnt' willing to help. She spends the summers at her cabin and has a business there (with staff and partners who would let her take a week if she needed it) and isn't willing to give any of that up I don't think. We plan to ask her one more time, but don't expect her to budge. No siblings to ask . . . but maybe between my friends I can work out some sort of help, even if it is for them to come and put dinner in the oven and toss in a load of laundry or something. I think that having twins will be a lesson in learning to ask for help .

[Intertwined]

Oh Mama, I'm so jealous that you have 8 weeks of help! That's WONDERFUL! You're going to do just fine.

We definitely took a hit on our AP parenting. I prioritized what I felt was most important. The babies have been in cloth at least part time since birth. We delayed solids and are still nursing at almost 18 months. We co-slept for a year. I wore them (alternating babies) when I could. I responded to their needs as fast as I could as often as I could. I will say that I got COMPELTELY touched out at around 7,8,9,10 months. I night weaned them at 11 months and things got better from then onward. There were moments in that time frame when I let them cry for me because the thought of picking them up and nursing AGAIN was overwhelming. I'm not proud of it, but there you have it. I didn't leave them for hours (more like minutes) and I slogged through until we got to a better place. I also had four under four at that point so it probably won't be as hard for you.

Overall, I think being attached and attentive to your babies is completely doable. They will probably have to wait more often than if they'd come one at a time but pretty much most AP twin Mamas I talk with say they feel the tradeoff of getting twin is worth a bit less of Mom.

[attached2mason]

Thanks Intertwined! Your post really helps. I think I was getting freaked out b/c one of the twin mamas I know IRL had help for 6 months before she was alone with her babies and toddler and she still found it hard. Since I posted I have reframed it in my head and realized that live in help isn't the only answer to this equation and that I will have 8 weeks of it - what a great thing. Other things I have thought of include:

- finally taking up friends on their offers of help and trusting that when they offered, they meant it, and if they didn't they'll say no
- asking for food for gifts at my blessingway
- saving money while I'm pg to hire a housekeeper twice a month
- decluttering my house NOW . . . the less stuff i have the less i have to care for when I have babies to worry about
- reminding myself that i can do this and that the bulk of the work of the babies will fall to me no matter how much help I have - dh, mil, mom, friends . . .they can't nurse these babies for me. In the end I just need support for the logistical stuff - laundry, food, preschooler entertainment, etc.

[dknees]

Just now seeing this...

My ds1 was 3 1/2 when the babies were born, and so very used to just mommy. Our situation was a little unique, because my dd has some medical problems and was in the hospital for the first two weeks. When she finally came home, dh was already back to work (and had been for about a week). I am fortunate enough to have a nanny (I work FTOH), and she was a HUGE help the first few weeks. Mostly because it enabled me to have a little alone time with my ds1, take him outside to play, etc. But, she ended up with some time off during my maternity leave. My mom and godmother came for a week, which was SO nice! My dh works crazy hours, he's off to work by 5am and works most weekends. So, I did a LOT myself. I do pump for the twins, it was too much struggle for me to get ds2 to nurse (he hated it and would scream, I think my let down was too strong) and dd's heart condition didn't allow her to nurse, so pumping was just easier since I had to do it for her anyway.

The first three months were HARD. REally really HARD. It has gotten progressively easier after that. I did manage to wear both babies fairly often, though usually just have ds2 on my back and hold dd when she wants cuddles. She generally prefers a quick cuddle then goes off to do her own thing.

We bought those little co-sleeper thingies at TArget (the portable ones) and put the twins in bed in those between dh and I. My ds1 slept at the foot of the bed. It was crowded, but we managed to get some sleep, probably because we were exhausted. After a while, we got dd in her own crib (mostly because she'd had surgery on her spine and needed to be stabilized during her recovery), and ds2 in the pack & play. Our "nursery" is a room attached to our bedroom, so the babies were never more than 15 feet away. They slept okay in their own beds from about 4 months to 12 months, and are now back in our bed with us.

Even though my dh is almost never around on weekends, I still have managed t o take the twins out by myself for ds's preschool things or outings with neighbors/friends. After a little bit, you sort of figure out the "routine" and it gets easier.

The thing that we needed most during those first few weeks was food. any kind of food. Neighbors brought us dinner a couple of times, but that was it. My boss sent us a basket from Harry & David, and my ds1 and I ate the pears and cheese and crackers for breakfast for 3 days. I was SO grateful, as I didn't have time to get to the store, and it was *almost* healthy.

anyway....good luck to you! I think you're very lucky to have so much help, and I'm sure you'll find your way. Just make sure you spend lots of time with your older child, he's probably going to be reeling from all the changes too!

[MamaChicken]

You will do fine! DD was only 18 mo when the boys were born and it was quite a struggle in the beginning. My mom came to stay for a couple of weeks. The single biggest help I had was one of my friends (single and childfree) came by 4-5 times a week. Mostly she held babies and I took time to shower, do laundry, read to DD, cook dinner. Those things were my escape. She also went to the grocery store with me. We each wore a baby in a mei tei, and DD was in the cart. Now she or DS1 (11 years old) push the twins in the stroller and DD is in the cart at the grocery store.

Absolutely the hardest thing for me to adapt to was the crying. With 3 under 2 years old, someone was goinog to cry, and have to wait for my attention. It sucked. Sometimes I cried with them. Once they got mobile (walking at 10 months!!!) it became easier for me. More babyproofing, but they can entertain themselves long enough for me to get things done around the house. I even made SIX loaves of bread yesterday!

We are in the process of nightweaning. It is going to be rough, but I can't go any longer without adequate sleep. It is affecting my ability to parent, to drive, and to work.

Through everything, the important thing to know is that I could NEVER have imagined the magnitude of the joy I feel as I watch my kiddos (all of them) grow and learn and love each other. The emotion is so overwelming. I would not trade the experience for the world.

[Intertwined]

Originally Posted by MamaChicken

Through everything, the important thing to know is that I could NEVER have imagined the magnitude of the joy I feel as I watch my kiddos (all of them) grow and learn and love each other. The emotion is so overwelming. I would not trade the experience for the world.

Oh yes, this. Having twins has been such an amazing blessing. It's SO HARD some times and there are days when I think "it would be so much easier with one baby", but ultimately I've just really enjoyed raising twins. I sometimes still stand in awe that I had two babies at once. There is something heart melting about two babies running at me, grinning, to nurse.

[laminathegreat]

And this may be silly and bad of me, but I keep telling myself it could be worse.
(and I don't mean any offense to anyone who is in these situations, for me it was nice to know that a) my situation isn't the worst and b) if they can survive this I can survive my twins!) That was one of the biggest things I got out of meeting with my local twins group- I could have it worse.
For example:
One lady is expecting her twins on her sons first birthday.
Another woman had done invetro and was implanted with two eggs, one of which split. So now they are having triplets.
There was also an older woman, I'm guessing 50, who had decided for a last ditch effort to have a baby and yup, twins.
I guess I could also put my self up as a it could be worse too... our twins were conceived with an IUD in!!!