Don't want meds but it is looking bad. >:|

[brokenheart]

I have bipolar II. I was doing ok without meds but now not so much. I've been pretty much a mess for 6 months. It is like my brain is trying to kill me off. : The only solution I can come up with to most problems is suicide. It has been this way for 6 months and I'm getting tired of it. It is getting pretty strong and I feel my energy to fight back is slipping.

I hate meds because all the ones I've tried make me gain weight and feel so sleepy all the time (prozac, zoloft, effexor etc). Wellbutrin and lamictal didn't work for me. My DH says "who cares about the weight, you need the drugs". I gain a LOT of weight on these drugs (the doctors just shrug) and it is finally coming off. I say I'd rather be dead than gain that weight back (there goes my pessimistic brain again). But I sort of mean it. The thought of gaining back those 50 lbs is horrifying. And the weight doesn't seem to be connected to what I eat...it is just like I steadily and rapidly gain on these SSRI drugs.

I've tried so many alternative things. It might feel like they are helping temporarily, but then I get a bad mood swing again and I give up. Nothing has provided dramatic improvement, but then again I never give it a full 6 weeks (who the heck has 6 weeks when you're drowning??). I have tried fish oil, inositol, 5-HTP, SAM-e, B vitamins, amino acids, homeopathy, progesterone.

I feel helpless and tired. I actually feel like a child...I just want someone to look after me and fix me. I'm scared and lonely and so sad. I want my mom, but she can't help. She says she has never felt depression and it gets her so upset to see me this way. My DH can't help me. He also has never been depressed. This has been going on for 6 months and he's sick of it. I told him I am seriously considering suicide and he just doesn't know what to say. It causes him a lot of stress, obviously (we have a young child). Then I feel selfish and guilty. I guess I just am looking desperately for a source of comfort. So far I'm not finding it at all. It is really lonely at the bottom of a well.

[Porcelain Interior]

I'm BP II rapid cycling with SAD/OCD and anxiety problems. I also experienced crushing PPD. I was also a cutter. I was diagnosed in 2005 after a long road.

I went through the med treadmill and my body couldn't tolerate most of them. We would have to put me on such a low dose to avoid the zombification process that they wouldn't do any good. I was on Lamictal, Lithium, and so many other combos. When my mania would get controlled I'd fling so far down the depressive side it almost seemed better to just wing it and enjoy the mania- though you know how destructive and deadly that route is.

The meds can make you feel nearly as crazy as the BPD. Well meaning people can make you feel so guilty, but they aren't inside your body. When I was on lithium I lost the ability to write. I physically couldn't form letters with a pen. I felt so tired all the time like a sloth. It was much worse than the normal dragging feeling during my depressions. It was so upsetting.

Finally one day my psych doctor told me she was at a loss for me, we even tried herbals, combos of this and that, light therapy in conjunction with my bp meds and nothing she tried with me would work. So she said there wasn't really any where else to go. It was heartbreaking.

So I started reading and reading and reading. Weeding out crackpots and BS and I came across a guy that was severely BP I, but had come out of it. His name is Ken Jensen, and he found a combination of things that turned my life around and made my BPD a mere shadow in my life. His website is www.ittakesgutstobeme.com

I'll give you the lowdown on what I take, and how I feel now.

I take:

A supplement called Empower +, they aren't cheap, and they aren't covered by insurance, but I never had insurance and I found them reasonable and compartitive to regular psych drugs. The website is www.truehope.com and you can call them and they will talk to you for free, and work with you.

I take purified fish oils, but not the kind you can get at the grocery store- they don't have enough Omega3 in them, which is the one we lack the most. I get mine from www.omegabrite.com

And that's it. Well I take Vit D, but that's not for BPD.

I've been stabilized almost a year. I was a person that would be manic many times over a year, shoot per month. I would be up one day, cutting and hysterically ready to die the next. I couldn't control my impulses, my appetites, my fabulous ideas that were actually just disguised self distruction. I wondered what it would feel and sound like to drive into trees, and had to constantly catch myself when I would want to veer off the road for the hell of it. I don't have that evil voice inside my head telling me I'm a piece of **** and should just die since I was garbage anyway.

I repaired my marriage after having dealt serious blows to it in the way of a torrid love affair (that turns my stomach now I was so out of it!) I ruined our finances with my strange spending sprees and "it's all good" attitude. I alienated my kids by being zoned out all the time, or obsessed with something- men, a project, etc.

I hid mine pretty well, I didn't go psychotic, but the damage.

I'm better now. I don't call it a cure, I call it maintaince. There are some that believe BPD truly is chemical in nature and that our bodies don't process nutrients correctly. When we get that balance of nutrients we can function normally- well once I took the Empower + I found out it did just that for me.

I'm recovering and I feel 85% normal now. I have work to do, but I did a lot of damage to myself and my family.

I'm not sharing this as a commercial, I'm sharing it because I lived it, and now I don't.

:

[A&A]

From what I understand, regular anti-depressants will make bipolar worse. I think you need Lithium, or something else specific for bipolar disorder. I could be wrong, though.

[Bad Horse]

I've been thinking of you, I'm so sorry to hear things are hard right now.

PLEASE go to see someone.

I know it's frustrating when you haven't found the right meds and you are feeling like it's just not going to work for you.

But it's worth the fight. It's so hard to see the illness for what it is while you are trapped in it. But it IS worth it.

How long were you on Lamictal and what was the dosage?

I have been on both Trileptal and Lamictal. Both work well for me, Lamictal better.
I have also heard good things about Depakote, Lithium in small doses in conjunction with lamictal or another stabilizer, Abilify.
The most important thing right now is to get on a mood stabilizer and possibly an anti-depressant.

For an anti-d I take Lexapro and it's worked great, with no weight effects. I gained a lot of weight when I was on Effexor. I mean, I do think it's worth it to be well and alive with the additional weight, but it was hard to deal with sometimes.

Not all meds cause weight gain.

Also? Please think of your child. She deserves to have a mother who is well and capable of caring for her and loving her fully.

Please take care of yourself, and please get the help you need.

[AnyMama]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a lot of thoughts for you after reading your post.

First of all, 5-htp and sam-e can cause manias. Fish oil is the only thing you listed that is actually mood stabilizing, but only at very high doses, like 7 capsules of the high-potency variety.

SSRI's probably aren't your friend if you have bipolar, you might look at an SNRI instead. Welbutrin is a different drug altogether, so just because it didn't work doesn't mean something else won't. My DH is doing great on cymbalta after trying several different things.

Also, Lamictal is hardly the last word in mood stabilization. There are all of the anti-psychotics out there you can try. Zyprexa might be a good option for you, it even comes in a sublingual form that can be taken at the onset of symptoms. If you have a doctor willing to work with you, you might even ask if you can treat just the depression and only keep the fast-acting Zyprexa on hand for manias. Also some ativan in the cabinet will go a long way to stall an oncoming mania, if you will use it.

The thing about bipolar is that it's very much like a seizure disorder (and may one day be classified as one), in that each mania does further damage to the brain, and that's part of why the depression becomes worse as time wears on as well. So controlling it is key. And suicide is not the answer.

How are your b-vitamin levels? How's your zinc level? Are you able to sleep? Melatonin can really help there.

Hang in there and do get some help. Get the Mood Cure by Julia Ross and follow her diet, it is extremely helpful!

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by AnyMama

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a lot of thoughts for you after reading your post.

First of all, 5-htp and sam-e can cause manias. Fish oil is the only thing you listed that is actually mood stabilizing, but only at very high doses, like 7 capsules of the high-potency variety.

SSRI's probably aren't your friend if you have bipolar, you might look at an SNRI instead. Welbutrin is a different drug altogether, so just because it didn't work doesn't mean something else won't. My DH is doing great on cymbalta after trying several different things.

Also, Lamictal is hardly the last word in mood stabilization. There are all of the anti-psychotics out there you can try. Zyprexa might be a good option for you, it even comes in a sublingual form that can be taken at the onset of symptoms. If you have a doctor willing to work with you, you might even ask if you can treat just the depression and only keep the fast-acting Zyprexa on hand for manias. Also some ativan in the cabinet will go a long way to stall an oncoming mania, if you will use it.

The thing about bipolar is that it's very much like a seizure disorder (and may one day be classified as one), in that each mania does further damage to the brain, and that's part of why the depression becomes worse as time wears on as well. So controlling it is key. And suicide is not the answer.

How are your b-vitamin levels? How's your zinc level? Are you able to sleep? Melatonin can really help there.

Hang in there and do get some help. Get the Mood Cure by Julia Ross and follow her diet, it is extremely helpful!

This too is all excellent advice, I agree 100%. SamE made me manic, though my pdoc prescribed it anyway with that warning. Lamicatal gave me a rash... There are tons of options, but you truly do have to put in that hard work of waiting long enough to see any effects.

This is a time when you won't feel you have the strength to fight, but in the end you really are the only one that can make the choice to continue seeking wellness.

It sucks (and makes me so angry) that we have to go through this.



Please post soon, I worry when a person is so distressed and disappears.

[brokenheart]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

Please post soon, I worry when a person is so distressed and disappears.

I'm still here. Thanks for all the replies, it really helps to know I'm not 100% alone.

Today was super yucky. My DH was very cold to me all day. I don't blame him. I know I couldn't deal with someone like me. We had gone away for the weekend but I was so depressed that I ruined it and insisted on coming home a day early. Then I just cried for hours. He thinks I'm truly batty. I poured my heart out to him last night about how terrified I feel in the face of this illness. But I guess he doesn't know what to say or do, so he withdraws. Add to that the fact that not my mom or even my friend called to check up on me today and I felt like it was a sign that nobody cares about me at all. In reality it may just be that nobody (other than my DH) truly knows how desperate I feel. I've noticed that when I try to open up a little, people seem to get nervous and try to cheer me up and distract me/try to make me laugh. Um, sorry, that's not helping. At all. :

I thought today about taking a boat to the middle of the lake and going for a "swim". But I realize that is horrible. I thought of my mom and dad and the pain it would cause them. I imagined my child dealing with the confusion. And my DH, trying to carry on in this life. I know he would be okay (probably even better off in the long run...he is a very happy-go-lucky guy and I'm such a downer). But still, it is kind of mean to just leave him holding the bag.

I will re-read all the advice and try to sort my way out of this mess. (P.S. I had to stop lamictal because of itching...the other drugs sound "serious" and I keep thinking I'm not that "crazy", but I guess I am.)

[*Amy*]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Would it be possible or helpful for you to enter an in-patient treatment facility until you find something that helps to stabilize your mood and manage your suicidal thoughts? I am glad you are holding on, at least for the sake of your child. And despite what you might think at times, NO ONE would be better off without you.

[velcromom]

I so recognize the state of mind. I am so sorry to see you are going through this. It's true nobody knows how much we are suffering or how desperate it becomes, they don't know how to react. I hate to see anyone feeling this way.

I hope you will or have called to get in to see your doc, they are the ones who do understand how bad it gets and who can get started finding a solution to get things more stable for you. You have already decided more than once that suicide isn't the way to fix this, and that's good, now the next step is to take the help that is out there for you.

The meds are nothing but tools. If you needed to put in a nail you'd use a hammer and you wouldn't beat your self up for not being able to do it with your bare hands, right? Taking meds isn't a weakness, or a sign of 'craziness', it's just using the right tool for the job.

Please let us know how you are doing.

[Bad Horse]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

I will re-read all the advice and try to sort my way out of this mess. (P.S. I had to stop lamictal because of itching...the other drugs sound "serious" and I keep thinking I'm not that "crazy", but I guess I am.)

PLEASE take what velcromom said to heart:

The meds are nothing but tools. If you needed to put in a nail you'd use a hammer and you wouldn't beat your self up for not being able to do it with your bare hands, right? Taking meds isn't a weakness, or a sign of 'craziness', it's just using the right tool for the job.

This is absolutely true.

And there are many other meds out there to try. And lamictal is certainly just as serious as any other mood stabilizer out there.

The most scary thing with BP is that suicidal actions can happen as snap decisions. That's something that is a SERIOUS consideration, and something you MUST watch out for and get help for.

You are ill. You cannot even begin to imagine feeling "good" again. Believe me, I understand. But that is NOT you, it is not who YOU are, it is not the life you are damned to. This is an illness, plain and simple.

You cannot see it for what it is, so PLEASE listen to those of us who have been there. Those of us who aren't frightened off or don't know what to say when faced with someone who is in the place you are. Those of us who have lived through it (barely at times).

I DO care, very much, and I am going to be honest about it. You NEED to get help NOW. You are ill. You CAN be ok again. You CAN find joy in your life again. Your daughter deserves that.

If you need to go check in somewhere for a few days to keep yourself safe, then DO IT. Period.

Please listen about this.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

I'm still here. Thanks for all the replies, it really helps to know I'm not 100% alone.

Today was super yucky. My DH was very cold to me all day. I don't blame him. I know I couldn't deal with someone like me. We had gone away for the weekend but I was so depressed that I ruined it and insisted on coming home a day early. Then I just cried for hours. He thinks I'm truly batty. I poured my heart out to him last night about how terrified I feel in the face of this illness. But I guess he doesn't know what to say or do, so he withdraws. Add to that the fact that not my mom or even my friend called to check up on me today and I felt like it was a sign that nobody cares about me at all. In reality it may just be that nobody (other than my DH) truly knows how desperate I feel. I've noticed that when I try to open up a little, people seem to get nervous and try to cheer me up and distract me/try to make me laugh. Um, sorry, that's not helping. At all. :

I thought today about taking a boat to the middle of the lake and going for a "swim". But I realize that is horrible. I thought of my mom and dad and the pain it would cause them. I imagined my child dealing with the confusion. And my DH, trying to carry on in this life. I know he would be okay (probably even better off in the long run...he is a very happy-go-lucky guy and I'm such a downer). But still, it is kind of mean to just leave him holding the bag.

I will re-read all the advice and try to sort my way out of this mess. (P.S. I had to stop lamictal because of itching...the other drugs sound "serious" and I keep thinking I'm not that "crazy", but I guess I am.)

Honestly, I think you should go to the hospital. I fought it and fought it and fought it, but after so many tries at meds, I finally got a good 'cocktail' and they were able to deal with reactions more quickly and up the dosage faster. I only had to stay 4 days. If you are having suicidal ideation, be safe, put your self first. My x-h asked me to wait until the weekend so it was convenient.: My friend Diane came over and changed her house purchase closing to be there for me. it's about you, no one else. If they truly care about you, they will see it is important and step in to take care of everything else.

[brokenheart]

I read all the replies. So I keep trying to fight it (whatever IT is exactly) but it just isn't working. I have an awful feeling of impending doom. It is extremely strong and weird. Everything feels off...the world looks different to me (wow I sound insane). My stomach is knotted and I lost more weight. I can't sleep much because I wake up in the middle of the night with waves of panic. I feel like I have nobody at all to turn to because they don't understand at all. I really don't ever remember feeling so alone in my life.

I have to keep going on with daily stuff (we had company, I have to look after my child) and I am just in a fog. I went out last night to buy fruit and I felt like such a loser and like I was going to start crying in the middle of the market. I also have all this work stuff going on and I don't feel like I can handle it at all. But we need the money.

At this point I'm not sure if I should go back to my psychiatrist or to a therapist. I hate going to the psychiatrist because I just feel like he thinks I'm really crazy and is just going to prescribe another drug. When I complained that I gain weight on drugs he said it was better to be fat & happy. Would a therapist be able to help me? Or am I too far gone??

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by brokenheart

I read all the replies. So I keep trying to fight it (whatever IT is exactly) but it just isn't working. I have an awful feeling of impending doom. It is extremely strong and weird. Everything feels off...the world looks different to me (wow I sound insane). My stomach is knotted and I lost more weight. I can't sleep much because I wake up in the middle of the night with waves of panic. I feel like I have nobody at all to turn to because they don't understand at all. I really don't ever remember feeling so alone in my life.

I have to keep going on with daily stuff (we had company, I have to look after my child) and I am just in a fog. I went out last night to buy fruit and I felt like such a loser and like I was going to start crying in the middle of the market. I also have all this work stuff going on and I don't feel like I can handle it at all. But we need the money.

At this point I'm not sure if I should go back to my psychiatrist or to a therapist. I hate going to the psychiatrist because I just feel like he thinks I'm really crazy and is just going to prescribe another drug. When I complained that I gain weight on drugs he said it was better to be fat & happy. Would a therapist be able to help me? Or am I too far gone??

I *seriously* am worried about you. try to be gentle with yourself and not judge about whether you are crazy or not. I have been in that deep yucky hole that just feels like it's sucking you inside out. your psychiatrist does not sound up to date. The meds I am on now are newer and my psych. has never heard of them! I really believe you will get better, quicker help if you go to the hospital. I know the first time I went, I was terrified, but once I was there it was a huge relief. Any therapist who takes you on in this condition is going to spread out this pain for a long time before they help you get anywhere, if they can get you any where. I have been coping with my illness since I was ten, going through years of misdiagnosis, trying meds etc. When I applied for disability about a year and a half ago, I talked to my therapist from when I was a teenager and she said her primary focus was to keep me from killing myself. I think back and wonder why the hell she didn't suggest the hospital? My answer to myself is she didn't think my parents would do anything about it and she was right.
Please consider it, I am afraid for you. If you want to pm me and talk more, please do. It is worth it! I finally found a good mix and I am starting to feel human again! I'm even going outside - because I want to! It can happen for you: Lots and lots of hugs and you can do it

by the way - I am a totally organic crunchy granola kinda gal and I DO hear that you don't want meds. for me, meds are the first step. When I get totally stable on meds, I do plan to look into weening towards more healthy options. But meds have their time and place and it took me waaaay too long to accept it. Please hear me and know that it doesn't have to be permanent, it is a place to start that can be highly effective.

[harrietsmama]

Hello? You still there? I hope you are ok! big {{{hugs!!!}}}