Family Against Homeschooling!

[Messac888]

I am a married, 24 y/o stay-home mom of two, a 27 month boy and a 3 1/2 week girl. My husband and I made the conscious decision to get married young, to start our family young, and to continue expanding our family. We decided to have me stay home with the kids and we sacrifice things each and every day to continue this lifestyle. HOWEVER, we have now made the decision that we will be trying homeschool when our state requires children to start formal education, whenever that is. (We have time to figure this out!) Our families, especially my dad and his side, are voicing their opinions against our choice to home educate, and reasons for being against it range from the insulting (You don't have a college degree, so how can you teach elementary math?) to the ridiculous (Wouldn't you rather put them in a school so you can return to work, have your life back, and have more money for more things?) and honestly, I'm fed up! So now, my question is this: what do you tell people, family, friends or otherwise, that you're perfectly content with trying homeschool and really don't need or want their opinions, only their support? I've tried saying just that, which didn't do anything, and we've even mentioned that, if homeschool is unsuccessful we'll enroll our kids in a good, private school (since our public school system totally stinks). I just don't want people trying to convince us not to even try homeschooling, but I want our family and friends to know NOW that we plan on trying it so they have time to get used to the idea and will hopefully be over it by the time it's actually time to start. Any suggestions on how do deal with this?

[amyjeans]

My husband and I have been there! I am the baby of 5, and my family doesnt think I am smart enough to educate my kids. (Can you just feel the love?)
Anyway. I tried to reason with them, show them statistics and convince them that what I was doing (or planning on doing kids are babies still!) would be in the best interest of my children.
Well, some arguments are just not worth getting into.
So I say just four little words to end any possible battles with anything I do:
MY KIDS MY RULES.
That's it.
And at one point, one of my brother-in-laws actually said Homeschooling was stupid and doesn't work.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on with this simply because he has no tangible evidence contrary to the fact that homeschooling does work. In other words, he was talking out of his you know what...
So his creditiblity much less his opinion provides no value in my life, nor the lives of my children.
We also decided that our kids and their abilities will speak for themselves. When they receive their GED at 12 years old, let them just try and tell us homeschooling doesn't work!
My advice, they are your children, and it is up to you, and only you to decide what is best for them. They aren't raising your kids, you are. If they can't support you and your efforts, then it might be time for them to go and pound sand.
And might I add, homeschooling I think is something to be extremely proud of. It looks to be a lot of work, but the results are amazing I am sure!
Hey, what have you got to lose?

PS check out HSLDA!
Warm Regards

[Marsupialmom]

At this point DROP IT! It is none of their business. When your oldest child becomes school age that is when you battle them. Actually you do not try to convince them. This is how it is, and will be until WE decide different. Don’t even give them a possibility that home schooling might not work. You are going to make what ever decision is that you feel best for your children, end of discussion.

Become a pro at “Passing the Bean Dip”.

Family Matters might be a good book for you to give to them at some time, closer to school age.

[Monda]

Well first, make sure that your husband carries the bulk of the "fight" when it comes to his side of the family, that makes most in-law conflicts at least a little better.

I say print out the statistics... both good and bad for PS and HSing, and make a little pamphlet, not to convince them, but to steel yourself on the reasons you want to homeschoool... then you can just hand them a copy when they start to flare up. It will deepen your reasons for your plan to HS and show them you have done your homework.

Lastly, with kiddos as young as yours... I am not sure the topic should have to come up too often just yet... Many states don't require formal anything until age 7 or 8. You may want to stick to the "don't bring it up" mindset, untill you have a little printed research to pass.

And in the end, it boils down to the fact that there are many many kids being homeschooled and going on to regular colleges and jobs (my sister and I are examples and my mom didn't even finish HighSchool!), and your kids are your kids. So the buck has to stop there, if that is what it comes to.

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by Messac888

I just don't want people trying to convince us not to even try homeschooling, but I want our family and friends to know NOW that we plan on trying it so they have time to get used to the idea and will hopefully be over it by the time it's actually time to start. Any suggestions on how do deal with this?

You answered your own question! You're telling them now, and as expected, they're freaking out now, but in two years (roughly when your oldest will start "school") most of them will have given up the fight, you will have read and absorbed SO MUCH MORE of the culture and mindset of hs'ing that you won't even care what they say anymore, and the ones that can't let it go - while simultaneously revving up for the big throw down to get you to enroll her in some school - will *finally* be realizing that all the stats and studies and anecdotes are firmly on your side, and the only leg they'll have left to stand on will be "But, but, but... I WENT TO SCHOOL!" And you'll laugh, because you'll kick that leg right out from underneath them with a smirk and "Yeah, and just look how you turned out!" They might not get it, but it will be all the reinforcement you need: knowing your dc will never be that close-minded, that silly, that pointlessly combative and defensive when presented with new ideas!!

Besides, you're at MDC now! There's nothing but love for the path less by traveled by around here!

Sounds like you guys know just exactly what you're doing. Don't let those around you with less confidence in themselves and less courage to stand up for their beliefs drag you down.

lizzie

[JSerene]

I know exactly what you mean. This topic, along with many others (our lack of T.V. being one of the big ones) is a favorite for my family to debate. They are bent on convincing me that it's the wrong thing to do. Their main arguement is that the kid won't get enough socialization. This is coming from people who do very little socializing themselves. Anyway, last week I finally said, "you know, I spend an hour a day at the dog park because my dog needs to play with other dogs, don't you think I'll make sure my kid gets what it needs?" That ended the conversation for now. I love my family, but sheesh. Why can't they understand that I'm trying to make the best possible choices for my family? Instead, I'm met with, "Even my friends think your parenting choices are stupid." WTF? Who asked them. I think everyone is right, there's no convicing them. My kid, my rules is the way to go.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

At this point DROP IT! It is none of their business. When your oldest child becomes school age that is when you battle them. Actually you do not try to convince them. This is how it is, and will be until WE decide different. Don’t even give them a possibility that home schooling might not work. You are going to make what ever decision is that you feel best for your children, end of discussion.

Become a pro at “Passing the Bean Dip”.

Family Matters might be a good book for you to give to them at some time, closer to school age.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I used to try to persuade my family to see my way of thinking. It's not worth the energy it took from me and really, it has nothing to do with my family. It's not like they have any authority over the decisions I make. Part of me wanted their approval, even though I obviously don't need it. I just dropped the subject. Occasionally, it gets brought up, like when my father asked how ds1 was going to eat the school lunches (he's vegetarian and they don't have veggie meal substitutes). I occasionally have said, "Yeah, but we'll be hs." I try not to mention it though. It's not worth the aggravation and it's not like I need their permission or anything, YK?

[Sasha_girl]

ITA with Lizzie. Well said.

My husband and I are both pretty blunt individuals, so we've been known to just say, "These are our kids, we've researched our decision, and didn't ask for opinions on the matter."

[2tadpoles]

To add to what everyone else has said....

When people go on about how someone without a college degree can't teach their children, I usually say something about how that's just one more reason to homeschool. If thirteen years of schooling left me too stupid to teach my kids basic math and literacy, then it seems that my schooling wasn't good for much. I don't want my kids to waste all that time on schooling that will leave them incompetent.

[Messac888]

Did I mention that my not-yet 2 1/2 year old son can already read some words, count numbers up to 12 and can recognize each and every single letter of the alphabet- and NOT in order? (You know- a, b, c...) He knows almost every single external body part, including fingernails and foreskin (since he's not circumcised), he knows all his colors, and he's been trying to write letters already. So, if I can teach him these things by this age (since he was interested in learning) why do people think I can't teach him once he reaches school age? Obviously, he has a STRONG desire to learn. Why would I put him into a school that will gradually take that love of learning from him? My husband's parents aren't too verbal about their disapproval, they just ask occasionally WHY we want to homeschool. They don't discourage but they don't support. I think they just think I'm weird and "making" my husband agree to all these weird things. Fine by me. My mom (who is a teacher, I might add) is supportive, but I know her well enough to know that, although she loves the idea of homeschool, she doesn't think that I personally am smart enough to be my childrens' teacher. I don't usually bring it up as a topic of conversation, but every time someone in the family "suggests" preschool for my son (which I am VERY opposed to preschools for the majority of children, I feel that if you start school before you can talk in sentences you're going to hate school before you reach high school, even if your school is a good one) I have to remind them that we'll be homeschooling. Part of my anti-preschool stance for my son is that the suggestion is usually after pointing out his high activity level and that I "look like I could use a break" from his antics. Maybe I don't WANT a break! Not to mention, who wants a total stranger telling them that their active (but not hyper) child should be on ritalin or something? So, pardon my tangent, but I can't rationalize putting my children in schools if I am able and willing to home-educate them. It's just tough to not really have any support in the decision. Some people think it's "worth a try" but that's as supportive as anyone has gotten. Oh well, such is life. At least I know there's lots of other people out there that have been through this or are still going through this that understand where I am coming from. Thanks, guys.

[Jen123]

I will mimick Tadpoles' thoughts. If public school is so great why am I not smart enough to teach my own kids ? I went thru that too. I learned to say Proof is in the Pudding. just wait. We've been doing this five years and my grandmother STILL tries to get me to send them to private school. (she'd pay)I shut her up temporarily when I said "all the private schools in this area use Abeka. I'll let you buy me the curriculum if you really want them in a heavily entrenched christian curriculum. I don't. They get enough from church and from us. " ahhhh. blessed quiet.

Let everything they say roll off your back. YOUR KIDS. YOUR DECISIONS. Or as I said to my father "you made your mistakes , let me make mine."

[Katrina]

I don't know where you live, or if it matters, but California Homeschool Network http://californiahomeschool.net/default.htm
has a pamphlet for family members and friends of homeschooling families. I'm not sure if it is specific to the state of California in any way, but even if it was, I think it may help. You could hand it to them and say, "This will answer all your questions, and if it doesn't, you can ASK me, but not attack me about it or try to dissuade me." Good luck!

[deejay]

I like that answer A LOT!

Originally Posted by 2tadpoles

To add to what everyone else has said....

When people go on about how someone without a college degree can't teach their children, I usually say something about how that's just one more reason to homeschool. If thirteen years of schooling left me too stupid to teach my kids basic math and literacy, then it seems that my schooling wasn't good for much. I don't want my kids to waste all that time on schooling that will leave them incompetent.

[phathui5]

To add my experience with my family: I told mine around that same time, when ds was a toddler. Now he's 4 and this coming September will be our first official year of homeschooling. (He'll be 5 in October). My mom's had two years for it to sink in, with me occasionally telling her something I read about it or emailing her an article and now she says stuff to my dad like, "Homeschooled kids can do just as well as kids in school. Homeschooled kids do seem to get good test scores." And my cousin who thought we were totally weird for wanting to homeschool is talking about doing it with his now two year old because of their horrible school district.

[hahamommy]

Repeat often: Your concern is appreciated, your approval is unnecessary. Along the same lines as MYOB, but a bit more eloquent

Another thing to remember, YOU've done your homework, YOU know why you're making your choices -- your family hasn't. I've often refused to get into discussions with family who haven't read what I've read; though I've offered to revisit the topic should they choose to read some John Holt -- so far they've refused, with a bit of respect for the research I've done. They see me active in the local support group, the see me active in our LIFE and know I'm doing what *I* think is best for my kids.

With any controversial parenting issue, you can always use the *delay* tactic "We're not making a decision on that until I do further research" and soon your *delay* becomes *avoiding* but your family is already so used to you referring to the research you're doing, their confidence is up and the concern is down

When the kids were littler, I would grab one up and exclaim, "how can I imagine just turning him over for strangers to enjoy, just when we're getting used to each other and becoming so FUN?" Most moms will remember that tear in their heart when they were subjected to sending the kids off to school... grammas will get misty at the memory and quietly appreciate your strength to say NO.

HTH! ~diana

[terrarose]

My whole family was very unsupportive and vocal about homeschooling, even to my dc. They've had 5 years to get used to it and it is getting much easier. They even occasionally have good things to say now and when they have concerns they talk to me privately. They have even done dc's work with them occasionally, like when bab was sick. I think the can see that my kiddos are really neat little people.

Hang in there! If my family can come around, anybodyy can! People just tend to be scared of whatever isn't the status quo, YKWIM?

[momnloveit]

I haven't had anyone give me too much guff about homeschooling, but the most common comment is "Everyone I knew who was homeschooled was completely socially inept and weird." I thought that one over for awhile and had to agree. Then I thought further and realized that homeschool was NOT what made them that way. So I tell people to picture that person in their mind and imagine them going to public school... they soon realize that some families are just that way, and it has nothing to do with homeschool. I also have to remind people who bring up the socialization thing that it is silly to send my child to school for socialization where he will get in trouble for being social. When kids are together, they want to play, not sit quietly. So when we're with our friends, ALL we do is socialize!

[ManiacMama]

I was going to write pretty much what hahamommy did; I guarantee your family knows absolutely nothing about homeschooling, whereas you, I'm sure, are well educated in it. It's like arguing with a brick wall . You could suggest some good resources to them to become better acquainted with what homeschooling is, though it will likely fall upon deaf ears. I have very little tolerance for people who want to argue against something that they know very little about with someone who has researched the topic thoroughly. You might kindly ask what their experience with homeschool was to view it in such a negative light, especially when current research shows it to be very positive in every respect.

My family is really negative about homeschooling as they are with pretty much any other decision I make :. I pretty much take the "do now, tell later" approach after getting tired of defending my choices for every little thing. I do what I want and tell them only when I have to. We will be putting our house up for sale in the next month to move out of state (across country) and I haven't told my family yet :. I'm planning to break the news to my mom when she decides to come for a visit after the sign is in our yard (with any luck it'll be sold already by then). She'll love that Ah, well you do what works for you :LOL

[PrincessPerky]

Messac888, your kid sounds much like mine! And your family sounds a bit like mine too, only they were a bit quieter in there objections and I live far enough away to not have to hear it to often.

My in laws actually objected to me quietly from the start, everything I do is wrong (I like my DHs long curly hair for one). The only thing saving me is how happy I make my DH and how happy I keep my kids.

Oh my looking back, I first breastfed my kids, terrible, I hardly ever left them with anyone, weird. I Potty trained them both early, crazy, I don't feed them sugar like ever, and junk food rarely, big mean mom that I am. Among other things that are all wrong. I just started wrong, and kept getting wronger .

So they are starting to get used to me being all different. Fortunatly my son is the smartest little boy in the world, and the family doesn't like confrontation.

Sorry about your troubles, if you like confrontation take it to 'em, with facts and figures and such. I do, I am totally agains mass education for the young, and very much against manditory education at any age, and against my tax money being used to babysit kids. My inlaws think I am terrible! They don't know where to start! At nearly every turn I disagree with them.

If not leave it alone, deaf and dumb is a great way to spend the holidays . I have done both, I figure christmas is no time for arguments, but if they call at a different time, if they bring it up, I am more than willing to argue.

Sometimes they might not know how annoying they are, my MIL didn't know, till one day I told her I was going to dye my DHs hair blue to give her something real to complain about, haven't heard a peep about it since. . I am not sure what an equivalent comment about HSing would be, but I will have to think of it seeing as DS is getting up to the official age and all.

The quick change of subject is also great, preferable to something along the lines of "is your kid going to pass this year?" or "does jr still cry when you drop him off at school?" or my favorite "tell me about how your DD used to beat up dolls on her way home from preschool?" (like my niece) all only if applicable of course. Even if they don't get the point, I like to sit there with a smile on my face saving up all my discussions for how they are ruining their kids for my DH on the way home (we used to have lots of those).

[Arduinna]

my kid, my decision

Repeat as needed. My dd is 15 and my mom finally has given up asking me about school. At first she accepted it for elementary but I kept hearing are you going to do it through high school? Now she doesn't even ask. And About 2 years ago told me what a good job I've done as a mom.

But I never asked her opinion or brought up the subject, she always did. I wouldn't volunteer too much information, it just opens the door for more debate.