Unhappy in marriage..advice or maybe a vent

[Justhere]

This is long mamas but i have no where to turn and just need a vent. I am so unhappy with my marriage. There are so many things wrong with it, I am just going to list them all to get it off my chest. If you reply, great, if you dont, i feel better. First i want to say that counselling is out of the question due to finances and dh wont go, and second i want to say i do not want to leave my dh, I do love him.
1. I live a long way from my family and have no support or help with ds. Dh has only fed/changed ds about 10 times(ds is 2). This morning, I was supposed to have a *lie in*, as ds wakes me every morning at 4am. Dh woke me at 7 to change ds butt as he had a poo. ........... He didnt even have the respect enough to let me rest, he had to wake me to do this. This is nothing, really, but these things go on all the time.
2. I had severe sickness in my pregnancy, causing me to be couch bound for 3 months. If I moved, I puked. dh would criticise me the whole time and say i was a lazy person, get up and cook, clean, etc.. making me have severe depression in pregnancy and hating it all.
3. I had then severe PPD, once I was so upset, ds was on the bed screaming at 3 weeks old, dh told me he hated me, and was packing his bags to leave. I was in a bad place with no one. This haunts me to this day. I know he didnt mean it, he was frustrated, but to know the only person i had was going to leave me in that state, hurts so bad mamas. I then continued my ppd struggle alone with baby as dh works nights and was sleeping all day. I was basically alone. That was a long year, where our marriage almost failed.
4. Dh does nothing. Let me say, in dhs defense he has a BAD back, he works nights and is tired all the time so on his 2 days off he does nothing. Well, his motto is *he works, i dont*. I am basically stuck not working as i live in a foreign country, i dont know how to drive, i dont want to stick ds in daycare, so I get punished for it because *i dont work*. Dh doesnt even take the trash out. He does absolutley nothing at all. He used to do some occasional cooking but thats stopped.
5.Dh does nothing with ds. He never wants to go for walks,(his back hurts) or do anything fun., so I am stuck in all the time.
6. Dh has a bad temper, so I have to let all things slide or he will yell at me and tell me to f**K off or he will leave me. It is so bad that if i told him how i felt about things he would say, *well dont be with me* and that would be that..he wouldnt work it out.
7. Our sex life is about once or twice a week, good, but sometimes i have to fake it as i am so resentful and angry.
8. The amount of things dh does for me is lessening day by day..he used to bring me cups of coffees, or run my bath, or give me foot rubs..he is not doing these things anymore..

Basically we are also in the process of moving near to my family soon, which is good. Dh and i have not been out on a date in 2 years. So this will help as my family can help watch ds occasionally.

I know these thoughts are random but i am just getting it out as it comes. i am basically so angry at dh i want to hit a wall and scream. I want to tell him my feelings but he will leave me and i will be all alone with nothing. I want things to be better. I know he loves me, we do cuddle,etc. I dont know if dh is depressed, he seems so but says no, or what..but i just want to be happy for once. I am miserable and sick of it. This is my life and I dont want it to pass me by like this! IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by Justhere

I want to tell him my feelings but he will leave me and i will be all alone with nothing.

What do you have now?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Justhere

This is my life and I dont want it to pass me by like this! IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

You can't MAKE him love you, or your child.

He's not willing to go to therapy, or to change.

The idea of being alone seems to terrify you. So it sounds like you have two options: Be brave, take a deep breath, find your way through the fear and get out, or secondly, let your life pass you by and find some way to accept the way things are without letting it tear you apart.

Being alone isn't that scary. Its the unknown part of it that's scary. If you can plan how you will do it; how you will leave, where you will go for support, who can help you... that will take some of the fear out of it.

It really sounds like he doesn't love you or his child much, for whatever reason. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated better, and to have a joyous life. Your child deserves better.

If you talked with your family, would they help you get there? Would they take you in?

[Petersmamma]

First of all...

Second, breathe!

I bet you feel better just getting that off your chest, huh?

You say you don't want to leave him. Well, remember, you are a mama now! You can no longer think about yourself, you need to think about your ds! Do you really want him growing up seeing daddy treat mama like that?

Also, having a bad back is NO excuse. My dh broke his back in NINE places in the military (then, typical for the military they totally screwed him and now he has no education (his fault) and can't work restaurant jobs anymore because of his back, so he works weekends on an o/n shift like your dh (36 hours in 3 days!)) and has no insurance aside from the VA so he is in pain a lot! BUT, he still takes a HUGE interest in ds. He watches him every day but Monday (and the weekends when he works) and LOVES to do stuff with us. He tries really hard to make MY life easier. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about what you have, just want you to see that he is hiding behind excuses.

Does he love you? You should ask him that. From your post, it doesn't sound like he does. Mama, you can make it on your own! It will be hard, and you may have to do without for a while, but think about ds!

My dh recently did something seriously dumb that has very negatively impacted our lives and I had to tell him that I would leave him and take ds with me if he ever did anything like that again. I love dh SO much and don't want to leave him, but I have realized that I need to do what is best for ds. That gave me the strength to tell him that. I actually don't have any family (i'm virtually an orphan) but I do have the support of his sister, so I have someone. If you have ONE person who supports YOU and ds, you can do it!

Please keep us posted as to how you feel and how things are going. Also, please pm me if you need to "talk"!

love and support,
Sara

[livinzoo]

I've been in unhappy marriage and it is no fun. I did go to counsuling (both alone and with him). The only thing that really helped me out was the book suggestions. There are two books I'ld recommend to you that my counsler recommended to me. The first is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay : A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum. This book walks you through the problems that you are having and talks about why you may or may not be happier leaving or staying. It is a very good book. I learned through it that I would most likely be happier leaving. It took me about a month to fully decide that it was true. Also when I was coming home and saw his car in the driveway I wanted to turn around and leave again. That was a bad sign. I will say that I am much happier being without him.

The second book is called "Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix. If he won't go to councelong with you maybe you can talk to him about using some of the lessons in this book. It helps you understand why you chose the partner that you did. It really helped me learn to comunicate my feeling and to feel understood. If you are both willing to work on this marriage this is a good place to start.

Wishing you all the strength you need to turn this situation around. I've been there and only you can decide where you will draw the line. I hope these books help you out.

[bellona]

I was at a very unhappy place in my relationship before and what made it 10x worse is that I figured there was no way I could ever leave. I didn't have a college degree, I didn't have a whole lot of work expirience, no family members to help me out, I didn't even have my license.

I just thought through the problem about what I would to do get by if I did leave. I could get help through the state to get an apartment and get foodstamps/medicaid to start out on until I could get on my feet. I could apply for a job at these places. I could go to the salvation army and see if they could set me up with a car. You get the idea. Once I knew I had options I also knew I wanted to stay but things didn't have to be the same. I agree that leaving isn't the scary thing, the unknown is. This gave me the courage to approach my dh and talk to him about the problems I had. Before my attitude had been more of a "please don't get upset, please don't leave me" and after my attitude was more like "you know what, this is a problem for me. If I don't get resolution to this I'm outta here because this is a deal breaker". Approaching it like that helped alot.

And here we are 3 years later, not perfect, but much better.

[mother culture]

I just wanted to say welcome and glad you posted we are listening. You will follow your path. Daily meditation is a great start to figuring out life!

[eightyferrettoes]

I agree; start plotting your escape route now. If you wind up needing it, even for a temporary situation, you've got it. If you wind up deciding to stay, it gives you better leverage and more confidence in dealing with his completely unacceptable, disrespectful behavior toward you.

Him saying you "don't work" is SO disrespectful, for starters. You DO work, and probably twice as hard as he does.

You deserve a better life, and your son deserves a better life, too.

[bu's mama]

I know you are venting, but it doesn't seem like there are very many positive things to keep you hanging on.

I would *definitely* get the books a pp mentioned. "Too Good to Leave, Too..." was definitely an eye-opener for me. It takes a lot of honesty & self-reflection, but I felt it helped me immensely.

I don't always think it's wanting to leave your husband, but why do you want to stay? What are his good qualities? He doesn't seem to respect you or your family, bordering on being emotionally abusive. You deserve to be treated better than he is treating you, but you have to determine what your bottom line is, iykwim.

Even if your dh won't go to therapy, you can go. There are many places that will do a sliding scale or free.

Arghh...gotta run, but take care of yourself.

[elsanne]

Originally Posted by bellona

Before my attitude had been more of a "please don't get upset, please don't leave me" and after my attitude was more like "you know what, this is a problem for me. If I don't get resolution to this I'm outta here because this is a deal breaker". Approaching it like that helped alot.

This is a great point, justhere, and I so want to give you a hug and tell you I hear you.

My therapist would say this is about self-esteem: is this treatment what you are worth? That's what you're saying, by your actions, to DH. I think also that drastic action on your part will tell you everything you need to know: he will either come to his senses and realize the relationship is worth working on, or he won't, in which case you NEED to get out of there (or just watch your life go by unhappily, and teach that to your son).

Anyway besides all the unsolicited advice I want to send huuuuge amounts of love and support for whatever you decide to do or whatever ends up happening. You are in a veeeeery low place in your life and we are here, your cyber-village, witnessing and supporting you.

[annakiss]

This thread is closed as it would belong in Parents as Partners, but since the OP does not meet our 50 posts/60 days criteria for participating in that forum, moving it would be counterintuitive.