It has come time to post this

[takebirthback]

I have been wanting to post this for awhile. I have finally done it almost a year after my 2nd son was circumsized. I hope it helps others rethink this decision. This is from my blog (WARNING:VERY GRAPHIC)!


It has come time to write about this very sensitve topic. In doing so I hope that there are parents out there that will read this and might reconsider their decision to cirumcise their sons...

I have circumcised my sons. It is a decision I regret down to the soul of my very being. I wish I could take it back. I feel certain that there are many decisions I will regret making as a parent, but I KNOW that there will never be one that I regret more than this. The really sad thing is, that I knew better. I was against it before my first was even born. But I did it because I thought I would let my husband make the decision. I mean, he knew better then I did, right? He's a man, he knows what's important about a penis. WRONG!
Circumcision is nothing but mutilation of our sons. People across the world are up in arms across the world about the mutilation that happens in some countries to young girls vaginas. Yet, we here in this developed country, where we value personal choice, making this very personal decision to slice open our sons genetilia all in the name of asthetics. Doctors these days even agree that it is NOT medically necessary. Parents use the excuses that they want their sons to look the same as Daddy and brothers to look the same as each other. Or that they will be made fun of in the gym locker rooms if they are different. Some people use the reason that it leads to infection to not be circumsized and it's easier to clean if it is.
What is this load of bullshit? How about teaching our sons to have self respect and self esteem? I personally plan on teaching my sons to be proud of who they are and that it is a wonderful thing to be different!! Why would I want them to be the same as everyone else? I don't want to be the same. I strive to be my own person. Oh and do we not teach our children good hygeine?
Truth be told with C, my oldest, the procedure was no problem. I even liked the doctor that did it. He was a friend of mine. I 'trusted' him, which if you know me at all you know that in general I do not trust doctors. But C healed just fine and looked as everyone wanted him to look, just like everyone else.
But W was a different story. Everything went horribly wrong. First after they sliced him open he wouldnt stop bleeding. And all I could do was sit there and watch my newborn baby scream and cry while strapped to this horrible plastic tray while the nurse pinched his newly cut open penis to try to stop the bleeding. Have you ever been wounded and then had to pinch it tightly shut? Have you ever known a man to pinch his penis anyways? No, because that would be too painful. So how about having it cut on and then pinched. I had to watch my son, that I had birthed at home, so gently into this world be, be in so much pain because he needed to look "normal" by everyone elses standards. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't nurse him for comfort. I could only try to hold his tiny little hand and get close to his ear and and sing to him. (I am crying as I write this...) The nurse told me to let him suck on my finger to help him. I thought, "shut up bi!!!, let me cut open your vagina and see if sucking on my finger makes you feel better!
It was obvious that the nurse and the doctor were very concerned. I knew that if my son did not stop bleeding that he would be admitted into the hospital. So she continued to pinch his penis.
Eventually it stopped bleeding (Thank God). And eventually I got to hold him and nurse him while they continued to observe him. But do you know that at first he refused the breast?! He screamed in my arms for awhile. I knew he was mad at me. He would not even make eye contact with me. As I sat there and cried silent tears I eventually got him to calm down and latch on.
We left the hospital after this three hour ordeal which should have only taken 10 minutes, and went home. That evening it was so obvious that my son was extremely uncomfortable and in pain. And he still would not look me in the eyes and was very very reluctant to nurse. Can you imagine how that felt? My son was rejecting me because I allowed him to be tortured! Changing his diaper was like a slap in the face each time. Having to look at that open wound that was red and swollen and raw. The third diaper change brought on more worries. The procedure that they used on W was called the plastibell method. It is a little plastic ring they put around the head of the penis to hold the skin back that they had just cut. It should stay on a few days to a week and not longer then that. Well it had already fallen off. I cannot even describe how distorted his penis looked. I panicked. I freaked out and was crying hysterically and I started calling around to every hospital asking if I should bring my son in (it was afterhours). They all gave me a different answer. I had to start questioning if I had just distorted my son's genetilia. Would it function properly sexually? Would it be this hideous looking thing it was right now? How could I have done this to him? And I blamed my husband as it was his choice. I finally got a hold of my doctor friend. The one that performed C's circumcision. He calmed me down and told me to take him in the morning to see the doctor that did it, but it was probably okay. He said the plastibell usually doesn't fall off this early, so he wasn't sure what that meant, but we could wait till morning to deal with it.
The next morning we went to the doctors and he said it looked "great, just right!" And he assured me that it's okay that it fell off so quickly even though that's not typical...
W's penis never looked like Coopers did. And isn't that the whole reason we did this? So everyone can look the same? I have since come to learn that there is a newer fad with circumcision called a "loose circ." apparently this is what has been performed on my youngest son. Instead of making a tight ring of skin around the head of the penis, they cut only a little bit of skin and it almost still looks uncircumcised. Are you kidding me? I am almost at a loss for words about this. (but not!) WE CUT OUR SONS, TO KEEP THEM LOOKING UNCIRCUMSIZED?!! Who is the genius that thought this up?
So as W healed and proved that he could at least pee normally his skin began to reform around the head of the penis. And it does in fact look uncircumsized except for the scar that I can see where they cut. I am so proud of my sons body to reject what happened to him and to go back to how it is intended to be. The head of the penis is supposed to be covered up. That skin we consider extra actually performs several functions. It keeps the head lubricated, not dry and scaly like the exposed circum. penis. That "extra" skin is what helps the penis self clean and keep bacteria away from the head. But no, we want to be able to see it and scrub it and dry it out. That skin is also the most senstive part of the penis and helps a man enjoy sexual intimacy to the fullest. But instead we actually SLICE the most SENSITIVE part of a boys body and literally rip away this very functioning part of him. WE as parents decide that he will not enjoy his sexual life when he's older as much as he could or should.

I know that my sons will endure many injuries. Probably broken bones and stitches and black eyes. But I will never ever forgive myself nor my husband for being the first person to inflict such horrific pain onto my child. I will never forgive myself nor my husband for taking it upon ourselves to decide how their body should look. We are not God, yet we acted like we were. Like we knew what was best and right and God was wrong for creating that part of the body the way he did. The guilt I now carry with me is undescribable. When I look at my two son's penises I do not see a natural thing of beauty. I see something that has been disfigured and mutilated by me and my husbands own choice.
So all I can do is this: speak out about this injustice. If I help one family change their mind about circumsizing I will be forever grateful. And when my boys are older I will sit them both down and tell them how sorry I am for what I did to them. For this unethical choice I made when they had no say about THEIR bodies. I will offer to pay for any reconstructive surgery they want. (there is such a thing), even if I have to take out a second mortgage on my house, or give everything up I own to pay for it.
I will never forgive myself or my husband for this decision. I look it in the face every diaper change and potty run and will for several more years. As to date, we are not even sure if W's penis is going to function properly sexually when he's older. We still do not know the complete damage, if any ,that we have done to him. I pray there is none.

There is much more that I could say about this topic. But that is emotionally all I've got right now.

I am so sorry dear sons for what I have done to you. I hope one day you will forgive me. I love you.

[ramlita]

Thank you.
How would you feel about me sharing this with people when trying to convince them not to circ?

[hakunangovi]

Hugs to you !! Thank you for having the courage to post this. What a heart rendind story.

Might I suggest you look up www.genitalintegrity.net/blouch/ and post your story there? It is whole collection of very personal experiences involving circumcision

[Blu Razzberri]

: Oh mama. I want to say something to make it all better, but I know from personal experience that nothing ever does. I circ'd my first son before knowing any better, and my second is intact. Every time my youngest cries, I feel guilty about the oldest one. My oldest didn't do much crying as an infant, and now having an infant, I can imagine the cries my little guy did while he was being circ'd...........it's almost more than I can stand. Make a point to tell everyone about circumcision; even if they're not expecting a baby. Make a point to talk about why it was a mistake to circumcise. And definitely make a point to bring up the part about how we're horrified at FGM, but we're ok with MGM (as a society); and how little sense that makes! I wish someone had said that to me before I agree'd to circ my son. I wish someone had asked me if I thought I'd be better off without pieces of my genitals...just to make me question whether it was really necessary!

[Pumpkinheadmommy]

(((Hugs to you and your precious boys)))).

That was heartbreaking, but I appreciate you writing it.

[lovemybubus]

If it's OK with you I would like to send this to a friend of mine who is pregnant with twin boys. I am not positive but pretty sure that she is pro-circ. I was thinking about writing a letter to all of my female friends that are of child bearing age and enclosing a letter like this and all of the nocirc info too...what do people think about that? Too pushy? Honestly, I care more about keeping baby boys intact then I do about offending people.

[takebirthback]

You all have my permission use this to help teach others not to circ. Thank you for your kind words, but I dont deserve them. I don't want anyone to feel badly for me, only for my sons. They were the ones mutilated, not me. I'm serious when I say please don't send me hugs, send them all to my children. I deserve nothing.

[Yulia_R]

[thixle]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[takebirthback]

I just wanted to add that there is only one thing I did right in this whole ordeal. A few weeks after the circumcision my dh was talking to someone and they told him to retract my sons penis so the skin would stay back. When my dh told me this I told him that he had already had his chance to make our sons penis look like he wanted it to look and it failed. I told him that if I ever caught him touching W's penis and trying to retract it that our marraige would be in a very bad place, possibly in an irriversible place. So he never did! That is the only thing I did right and I'm so thankful that I knew not to retract after I had allowed the whole thing to take place to begin with.

[DocsNemesis]

Hugs-I'm so sorry you and your boys went through all of that.

You might want to add why they do loose circumcisions now-its to make sure the boy has enough skin as an adult to achive full erection. There was a lot of problems with men not having enough skin and having painful erections or testicular skin pulled up on the shaft during erection, among other things. It does seem rather silly to have them go through all that just to have them look intact though, doesnt it? Its a good point.

[l_olive]

Thank you for your post.

And please stop beating yourself up. What you did is over, and now you can take the next really important step and make sure that your sons break the cycle with their children.

[kirstenb]

Thank you for posting this. I was in the exact same position when my DS was born. I didn't really want to circ, but I didn't know any better at the time and I left the decision up to my husband. It is something I regret to this day. I only wish I had seen your story before the fact. Hopefully it will help convince others not to circ.

[ramlita]

Jamie, we do the best we can with what we have.

The past is irreversible.

Guilt is the most destructive of all emotions.
It mourns what has been
while playing no part in what may be,
now or in the future.

Penelope Leach

What you deserve is respect as a human being who is still growing and changing and working to better the world.
Keep speaking out, and great good will come of it.
You are laying the foundation that will enable to you to talk about all of this with your sons in a candid, healing way. You will be able to give context to their experience. And they will grow up knowing something important that will give special shape to their empathy and kindle their hope for a better future for everyone.

to YOU and your family and all the babies who won't even know how they benefited from your work.

[neostudded]

I am so sorry this has happened to you!
Your such a strong woman, thank you for sharing your story

[mama_at_home]

I am so, so sorry, mama! I wish you and your whole family healing.

[takebirthback]

Wow, that was really eloquent. Thank you for taking the time to say all that.
Thank you to all of you for letting me write this here and being so kind with this huge mistake I made, not once, but twice. I love my sons very much and all I can do is hope that they know that with every decision I make.

Originally Posted by ramlita

Jamie, we do the best we can with what we have.

The past is irreversible.

Guilt is the most destructive of all emotions.
It mourns what has been
while playing no part in what may be,
now or in the future.

Penelope Leach

What you deserve is respect as a human being who is still growing and changing and working to better the world.
Keep speaking out, and great good will come of it.
You are laying the foundation that will enable to you to talk about all of this with your sons in a candid, healing way. You will be able to give context to their experience. And they will grow up knowing something important that will give special shape to their empathy and kindle their hope for a better future for everyone.

to YOU and your family and all the babies who won't even know how they benefited from your work.

[3kidsclmr]

I think I've felt regret every day about the fact that I circed my two boys, and sometimes I don't think it will ever go away. I loved that short poem about guilt that ramlita posted. I think I'll copy that down for myself and try to re-read it often. I want to be the best mother I can be to my kids. I can't change what's done, only move forward and speak out.

[latinalonestar]

thank you for sharing this story. ((((BIG HUGS)))

[MollyD]

I was just coming to this board for the first time to post something just like that!

I so regret the decision to circumcise our son. He had it done while in the NICU, and first thing he did was have a huge loose (breastmilk fed) BM and some of it got into the site. Unfortunately they were not able to clean it well enough and it caused soem scarring and a pretty tight stricutre to form (he could urinate normally but never would have retracted).
When he was 6 months old, he had hydrocelle surgery and the surgeon said that he could revise the circumision (ie take off more foreskin), the first one left alot of foreskin, or free up the stricture with a little cut.

Basically told him no way in hell are you redo the circumscion, only free up the stricture. The surgeon actually thought I was making the right choice!

I will always regret the decision to do it in the first place, luckily (I guess if you can use that term with a circumcision) that there was so much skin left that to look at it it almost looks like he wasn't touched at all.

If we are ever blessed with another boy... there is no way I will allow anyone to come close to touching his penis again.

Thanks for letting me share my little story.

Molly