OK, JaneDoe. Just to mention that our hair doesn't always do what we want it to do, it doesn't look or behave the way we did when we were younger. Just something to consider. I think that women's bodies change a great deal throughout our lives due to hormonal fluctuations and stages and that cooperating with and accepting ourselves as we are without a great deal of intervention can be liberating and results in the best beauty, which is natural. This is just my opinion, of course. But from what I've seen on mothering.com the women here are looking for wellness over beauty, so that is likely to be the sort of advice you will receive here. So that means changing a hairstyle or dying and styling routine in order to achieve healthy scalp & thus healthy hair, as the routine and situation that you are describing is not healthy, as you are aware from your hair falling out and the residue that you are describing.
I hope that you find a solution that satisfies.