Cross post - Grieving for boyfriend that passed away - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 11:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello friends,

This has nothing to do with natural body and home care - but I have come to 'know' people in this forum and more people come here than the 'grief' forum, so I thought I'd post this thread. I am still at a loss and I'm just feeling lost, incredibly depressed, sad, wondering why this happened, and guilty and everything. I miss Paul so much and that's completely the understatement of the year.

I never have much space on the private post, you can post it here or just write "PM me" in this forum and I'll give you my email address.

Thank you,

Gina


http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=622102
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#2 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 01:17 PM
 
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Gina,

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. It hardly seems fair that the two of you were planning a life together and then, suddenly, that life is no longer a possibility. How very, very, hurt and sad you must feel.

I do urge you to seek out others who can support you or who have been in a similar position. We here all know that you know how to take good care of your body and your environment - just add baking soda, right? - but you also need to seek out ways to take care of your mind and your soul. Unfortunately, unlike caring for the body, there are no "easy" answers or solutions that will work for all people. You will have to work to discover what works best for your heart and mind to adjust to your new way of living without your boyfriend. And if you discover that one way isn't working, you must try something else. However, one thing that we do know is that it will take time. Most people do not grieve for long enough. We expect people to quickly get on with their lives. While this may be a good coping strategy for some, it does not work for all. Take the time you need to do the healing and recovery that you need.

Be well, and stay strong,

Susan

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

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#3 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 01:33 PM
 
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Spastica, I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you. s
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#4 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 02:07 PM
 
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Oh no Spastica - I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you.
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#5 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 02:17 PM
 
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Give yourself time, there's just no getting around that grieving takes time.


"What will you do once you know?"
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#6 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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#7 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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HUGE mama. I am so sorry.

Namaste,

Michelle

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#8 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 04:21 PM
 
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dont 'know' you but wanted to express condolences. i am so sorry for your loss.
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#9 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 04:38 PM
 
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Thinking of you...
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#10 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 07:27 PM
 
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I am sooooo sooooo sorry. I know all too well the pain you're feeling (my boyfriend/soulmate died in 96). I was in such deep grief that I don't even remember much of that following year. And several people were insenstive enough to say "well, it's not like you were married or anything."

Grief counseling will only work when you are ready for it, and only you know when that will be. I didn't see a therapist for almost 2 years, but then I realized I had to. At that point, I was fine most days, but if something that reminded me of him surprised me I feel apart for days and days. I don't think I would have been ready to see a therpist any sooner than that, honestly. His parents felt the same, they tried various support groups and such but couldn't find one that helped them live with their pain and loss.

A wonderful book I read recently about grief and loss is Joan Didion's "Year of Magical Thinking". It chronicles the author's journey in the year after losing her husband while dealing with her daughter's life-threatening illness.

Write. Everything that floods into your mind. I kept lots of journals those few years after he died, which helps me now. One thing that tortured me was the fear that I might forget something. Writing out my memories as they came to me helped me to alleviate some of that fear.

I am so sorry, spastica, truly I am.

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#11 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 07:44 PM
 
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I am sorry to read about your loss. Take care of yourself, even though it may be difficult.
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#12 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 07:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Kristen, did you dream about your former boyfriend? Do you consider it a 'visit'? Did anything else strange happen?
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#13 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kristenok18 View Post
Write. Everything that floods into your mind. I kept lots of journals those few years after he died, which helps me now. One thing that tortured me was the fear that I might forget something. Writing out my memories as they came to me helped me to alleviate some of that fear.
When my grandmother died (totally different situation, I know), I had a *very* hard time with it. I just could not get past it. One day I was relaxing in the bath and I got this overwhelming desire to write to her. So I wrote her a letter, as if she could read it. I was amazed at the thoughts that came pouring out, and I managed to resolve some things about her death that had been bugging me without my even realizing it. I was still sad, but it really did help me get to a certain level in my grieving. Note that this was years after she died. I still miss her and think of her often, but after that I was able to feel at peace with it.
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#14 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 08:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spastica View Post
Kristen, did you dream about your former boyfriend? Do you consider it a 'visit'? Did anything else strange happen?
I didn't have dreams, per se, but I did have several instances where I just felt like he was there. Other friends noticed things, too, as well as his family. Some things were funny, like he was trying to get us to laugh, to not hurt so much. The lens on his brother's pair of glasses just kept popping out spontaneously, as if he was playing a joke. When I arrived at his apt to visit with his roomate before the services and saw his car in the parking lot, I started to cry. Just then, the "wind" blew my trunk lid (open at the time) just enough to bop me on the nose and draw my attention away from the car. Other things were just comforting. One time when I was home alone, I was crying very hard and loud, and I just yelled/screamed out "Marty, just call me. Just tell me you're okay." Immediately the phone rang. It was my beloved aunt, calling me to come for pie and coffee. She told me she hadn't planned to call (she *never* calls because she doesn't want to bother anyone), but for some reason she decided to on the spur of the moment. Someone more cynical than me would say that it was just coincidence, but I *know* it was him. I used to be that cynical person. But after I lost M, I became open to all kinds of sensations that I would have brushed off before. I had to in order to survive, because I couldn't bear the thought that it was just coincidence or my subconscious. 10+yrs later, and I still strongly believe that all those "incidents" were M talking to us.

My ds's middle name is M's. I couldn't do a first name, because that would change the meaning of it for me. But it is his middle name. And I believe that he's my ds's guardian angel. 2 years ago we were out walking, and were trying to figure out how to cross the street (all the entrances to the sidewalks were blocked with 3ft high snow piles). I went across the street to investigate the possiblity of crossing, leaving ds in my friend's wagon. In a split second, he jumped out of the wagon and started to run across the road, just as a teenager came tearing through at about 45mph. Something made ds trip and fall, but there was no obvious cause for him to trip. I *know* it was M. The car came within 2 inches of hitting him. If he hadn't fallen, he'd have been killed.

Have you had any dreams/visits from Paul? From everything you've written about him, he sounds like an amazing person, and your relationship with him was truly special.



Kristen
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#15 of 26 Old 03-08-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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So sorry for your loss.
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#16 of 26 Old 03-09-2007, 02:12 PM
 
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Just another post full of good thoughts for you. I hope today is an okay one for you.
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#17 of 26 Old 03-09-2007, 03:18 PM
 
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Gina, I'm so, so sorry for your loss

Melissa, a homeschooling, caffix.gif-guzzling, SAHM of two: reading.gif (11) and joy.gif(8)
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#18 of 26 Old 03-09-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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Gina-
I always see that your posts are helpful, quick and friendly. thanks for all your baking soda help.

I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

so happy to be alive. . .with one lovely husband , one boy , one girl , and three fish : . : :. peace one day.
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#19 of 26 Old 03-09-2007, 06:23 PM
 
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Gina,
I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss.
I lost my brother Paul suddenly this past summer to a massive heart attack. I felt like I was hit by a truck. He was 47, I am 35. He has always been there and I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

When I flew home I had to stay on the 3rd floor in my sister's old room across the hall from his. Every time I went near that room, I would get goose bumps up the back of my scalp. Once I even felt chilled though it was the middle of summer.

The day of the funeral my ex SIL gave me a picture of him that was a great pic.
I promptly misplaced it and lamented that for the rest of the trip.

The day DD and I left I was very upset at having to leave my family. My sister gave me a card at the airport which I read at the gate. I had a total meltdown and couldn't stop crying. I cried all the way onto the plane and just sat there crying my eyes out--My poor 3 YO tried to comfort me.
She asked me for her crayons and I bent down to open the carry on and THERE on the floor of the plane at my feet was the picture I had lost.
I sat there dumbfounded. Just stunned-how the heck do you explain that?

His funeral program also turned up in the strangest places for weeks. I felt very depressed for a long time. And either a song that was distinctly Paul, or his program would show up. Didn't really help me feel better-actually it made me miss him more, but I did kinda feel like he was around me. I suppose that was comforting.

The chills and the picture on the plane made me feel 100% that he was there with me. It had to have been him.

I'm so sorry you are facing this. It hurts and is so totally unfair. Why you right? There are so many BAD people in this world. It just seems so wrong that yet another good person would be taken so young. I understand.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!
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#20 of 26 Old 03-12-2007, 02:38 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss Gina.

I have to second the letter writing. When my grandmother died, I was devastated. A few weeks went by and I realized that I HAD to do something to get my feelings out. I wrote her a letter just letting her know how much she meant to me, how much I missed her, etc.
I really did feel better after writing it. I still have the letter and, almost 13 years later, I read it periodically and it still makes me feel good.

Again, you have my deepest sympathy.
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#21 of 26 Old 03-12-2007, 08:10 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

hearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gif A house full of girls, but for dad and one brother bikenew.gif
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." ~ Peggy O' Mara
Cloth diapering, babywearing and co-sleeping has been a way of life for almost a decade now partners.gif
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#22 of 26 Old 03-12-2007, 10:30 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. Just from reading your posts here, I could tell how much he meant to you and that you were planning a life together. I can't imagine having someone so dear to me taken so suddenly, my heart goes out to you and I wish you well in finding peace and healing as you are ready.

Baking mama to dd (7.5), ds (6), ds (3.5) and someone new in April
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#23 of 26 Old 03-13-2007, 05:44 AM
 
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Spastica I am so sorry for your loss It's so very hard to wade through all the emotions; feeling lost, missing them so much and knowing that its just not fair. I think it is great that you are seeking out support, and letting yourself talk/type about it. I think this is a great way to for you to "do something" with all those feelings.

I found journaling almost cathartic for me, whether it was in an actual book or at forums...it was one of my stand-by tools and those really bleak days while I was grieving. I also started seeing a councilor. She was not necessarily a grief one, but just a good "ear" for me to talk my feeling through with. She also gave me a frame-work sort of prospective so that I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed.

While it is likely little solace right now, I promise it will get easier a little each day
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#24 of 26 Old 03-13-2007, 01:10 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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#25 of 26 Old 03-13-2007, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been at least writing down my dreams of him and any 'odd occurances.'

I want to believe he's out there. I hope there is something more after we pass.
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#26 of 26 Old 03-13-2007, 04:53 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear of your loss! You have been so helpful here, I hope you find the help you need.
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