Have you ever had a crush on another man? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 32 Old 11-19-2008, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
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Okay, I am feeling like a terrible person/ wife/ mother: I have a HORRENDOUS crush on my friend's husband! It is so bad that I can hardly stand to be with them -- and yet I keep making excuses to get together. We are all part of a group that gets together every weekend, so I can't escape. His wife is away for a month - my husband is traveling - he & I keep getting together w our toddlers but I am feeling guilty even though NOTHING has happened.

I think about what I really want: I do NOT want to betray my marriage or his. Therefore I do not *really* want anything to happen. But I cannot get him off my mind and think about him constantly.

help!
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#2 of 32 Old 11-19-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Personally, I would run, not walk, away. I would not spend any more time with him, period.
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#3 of 32 Old 11-19-2008, 06:04 PM
 
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Stay away. I did have a crush on another married man about 2 years ago. The easiest way to get over it was to find faults. He was short, kinda cocky and drank too much, but boy was he fun! He could talk and convince anyone of anything easily, but that made it very easy for him to lie about anything too. He nad his wife ended up divorcing later that year, he was cheeting on her. Kind of a scum bag really.

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#4 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 02:11 AM
 
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I had a crush on a former coworker, I would fantasize listening to Dave Matthews "Say Goodbye/Lovers Tonight Friends Tomorrow" and knew it was very dangerous to do so. I left that job because I feared it would go too far, and now I can't even listen to that song, I feel so ashamed just for my feelings. I agree with the others, stay away, run, do not walk, danger ahead!!! :luck:
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#5 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 10:59 AM
 
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Tell someone in real life, someone who can appreciate his hawtness and give you a good giggle -- with built-in support and reinforcement against getting carried away.
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#6 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 04:38 PM
 
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If you honestly aren't going to let it go anywhere, let go of the guilt. Everyone gets inappropriate crushes once in a while, and it can be fun to fantasize. But keep it firmly in the realm of fantasy. If it's starting to feel more real to you than it should you need to stay away.

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#7 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 05:02 PM
 
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Kbl, you're in a dangerous situation. Unless someone puts a gun to your head, of course you can escape, so don't use that as an excuse! What is this weekend group for? How long are both your spouses going to be gone? If your feelings are truly that uncomfortable then don't go.

It's pretty simple, though. If you don't want to have an affair, then don't have an affair. Either get your head on straight or don't repeatedly put yourself in an awkward situation.

I chaperoned for my daughter's week long science camp, and I had a tremendous crush on our counselor (one counselor for every 10 kids). He was very good looking, funny, very well educated, more politically and philosophically in line with me than my husband is. He led us on educational hikes every day for 4 hours, so he was a fit outdoorsy, ecologically minded guy, which I really admire and aspire to. And he was really good with kids, obviously. And the thing that really got me was that after our class was over he was quitting to go to farm school in Idaho, with the ultimate goal of having a small, organic family farm.



I'm married and would never have an affair, so frankly I felt freer to have a crush on him, because I knew I wouldn't feel like I should try for him. I hope that makes sense. I didn't feel guilty about having a crush, I had that completely compartmentalized from reality. Plus he was almost 10 years younger than I, and I'm simply not his type. You know, married. And we were at camp for only six days. Then it was all over.

It hit me pretty hard. I hadn't had a crush on a guy that intense in a very long time. It got silly towards the end of the week, to the point where I could hardly speak directly to him, and couldn't look him in the eye. (Aw, shucks! )

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#8 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 10:04 PM
 
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I don't see any particular reason to get bent out of shape over crushes. I have them all the time. So does DH.

I just enjoy them for what they are -- crushes, passing fancies. I never actually tell the crush-person or do anything about them. Passing fancies are normal, and in time they do pass.

I do tell DH I'm suffering from a crush and he takes it in stride, yanks my chain good naturedly, and every once in a while, we share the same crush-person! That's always fun for mutual fantasies.

But the bottom line is -- I'm married to DH, not the passing fancies.

A.
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#9 of 32 Old 11-20-2008, 10:18 PM
 
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i would not get together with him anymore, unless your dh or his dw are there.
and yes, i have had this happen to me. twice. first time, i was married, he wasn't. he was my boss. i totally felt like i was falling in love with him and sensed he felt the same way, but neither of us did anything about it, as i was married.
second time, it was my BEST FRIEND'S dh. i was very happily married, with a little baby. they were not so happily married. they both spent a ton of time at my house and he looked at me like no man ever has. i did find myself fantasizing about him. i felt awful. i never would have done anything with him because i was married, and even if i wasnt married, he was, and to my best friend. i loved my friend dearly but always felt like i was a shitty friend to her because of having such a crush on her dh. but i couldnt help it! i could help my behavior, and this is why i tried never to be alone with him.

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#10 of 32 Old 11-21-2008, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks Mamas! This all seems really helpful. 1) Look yourself in the mirror, announce that you do not want to cheat on your husband, and then DON'T; 2) Stay out of potentially dangerous situations (get together w everyone, but not alone); 3) If you are certain it is just fantasy, give up the guilt and enjoy the fun of it, realizing it's a passing fancy and it will pass. 4) NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is worth the sanctity of my marriage and my sweet little family.
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#11 of 32 Old 11-21-2008, 10:50 PM
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kbl - no, you are certainly not a horrible person!

I think this is pretty normal. Although of course, everyone is different.

Currently, oy...I have a crush. Am married too. But that's just it. A crush. I have noticed when things are not so good with DH, this tends to happen more frequently. When we are good, not at all.

Anyways just my perspective.

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#12 of 32 Old 11-22-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mrsboyko View Post
The easiest way to get over it was to find faults.
:
Also remind yourself od how good you have it now. Sometimes the grass looks greener when it isn't.

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Originally Posted by songbird45 View Post
If you honestly aren't going to let it go anywhere, let go of the guilt. Everyone gets inappropriate crushes once in a while, and it can be fun to fantasize. But keep it firmly in the realm of fantasy. If it's starting to feel more real to you than it should you need to stay away.
: This this this.
Every one does it. Everyone wonders what it would be like if your life had unfolded differently. Its fun, its a fantasy, and it will pass. You are not in love with this guy. You're just crushing. don't let anyone tell you that you are 'bad' for thinking like this. Just don't act on it. Use your judgment to control your feelings!

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#13 of 32 Old 11-24-2008, 09:08 AM
 
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Stay away. I did have a crush on another married man about 2 years ago.
I agree!

I went through this once and it nearly messed up my marriage (a little anyway). My DH never would have left me over it but he knew about it. He is very unjealous and even encouraged my natural feelings and I almost went too far with the flirting. It was a long time ago for me but I learned my lesson and real quick. I never would have cheated but I learned my lesson.

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#14 of 32 Old 11-24-2008, 02:46 PM
 
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FWIW, I have had 'friends/neighbors' who have had crushes on my husband. It doesn't feel good to be betrayed by their lack of emotional self-control. And I know my husband and trust him implicitly but I see how they flirt with him even after he doesn't respond to it at all. They interpret his kindness for interest and eventually the friendship totally ends because MY husband gets pissed off that they are betraying me like that and assuming things that just aren't true so he encourages me to stay away from them or to be kind at a distance. He knows that I am very forgiving and want to assume the best of people and their histories and stories but there are certain things he won't put up with and when he sees people betraying my kindness, he gets very clear cut about it. As he should.

When I notice his friends attracted to me? I, again, assume the best of them knowing that people can't control their emotions some times but I am always very free to share with my husband if something makes me feel concerned. But I find men are more respectful than women or at least control themselves better.

We are very close in our confiding in each other. We have never had anything close to temptation occur because of it. We also try to kind and forgiving when people are just being people. But if someone shows record of ill-intent whether its flirting, or religious arrogance, or anything else..... We don't allow that into our home or marriage.

Hope this helps you in some way. This really doesn't happen a lot to us but when it has this is how we have responded.
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#15 of 32 Old 11-28-2008, 02:09 PM
 
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I can remember the first time I had a crush on someone else-- a close friend of both my husband and I. Now, I got married when I was 19 and was planning my wedding as soon as I graduated high school. It definitely through me for a loop when I found myself crushing on someone else. I incorrectly assumed that when I got married I would never have feelings for any other man. Being so young, I wasn't quite sure what to do with my feelings, this came at a time in my life when crushes were a big deal and I thought were supposed to be followed with some sort of action. I had also only been married for a few months and found myself doubting the enormous decision I had just made. I guess it's true what people say-- the first year of marriage really was our hardest.
We came out of it okay though, I ended up telling my husband about my crush and the way I was feeling and the doubts I had in my head. Once I said it out loud to him, I realized how silly it all was. I am married to a man that I love and crushes will simply come and go. Now, we joke about our crushes and poke fun at each other when we have them. They certainly are not a big deal so long as we both know there is a limit.

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#16 of 32 Old 11-30-2008, 01:55 AM
 
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I would say have fun, keep it within a friendship realm only, and enjoy the warm tingly happy feelings peacefully!
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#17 of 32 Old 11-30-2008, 04:55 AM
 
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I fall in love every week. The trick is to bring that energy back to your own marriage bed.
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#18 of 32 Old 12-03-2008, 04:42 PM
 
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I'm another vote for the run don't walk away. Focus your amorous feelings into your DH. Even if nothing happens, if anyone gets a hint of what is going on in your head it could cause irreparable damage to your friendship or marriage. Sorry, given that you like the man I know that "stay away" is not what you want to hear/do, but it is probably best.

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#19 of 32 Old 12-03-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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I have tons of crushes.
Normal human behavior - but bring that energy back to your marital bed.
If you are feeling like it is too intense - imagine cleaning up his dirty laundry, him farting in bed, his hair in the shower drain....all the things that come with the reality of partnering with someone and you'll realize it's never worth it to partner with someone other than your own DH.

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#20 of 32 Old 12-03-2008, 04:58 PM
 
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I've never had a crush on an actual other person since DH and I got married, but I have had crushes on actors and stuff. I tell him about it, and he thinks it is funny. I think the quickest way to diffuse the situation is to tell your DH. Then it seems less guilt-inducing, at least to me.

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#21 of 32 Old 12-13-2008, 11:08 PM
 
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I'm 22, been married for a year and a half, and have an 8 month old. We are definitely still in the beginning period where it's really really hard. I've left DH twice, because he has proved to be very manipulative, sadistic, and immature in every way. I am mature for my age and usually make very responsible decisions, so in many ways I don't know how I could have possibly ended up in this mess. Both times I left him it was to maintain self-respect and self-esteem. I can't believe I put so much time and energy into saving myself and preparing myself for someone like that... yet I love him so much and would do anything to make it work. The only reason I am still with him is because he has finally realized he needs professional help, and he is making a noticeable effort to grow up and make things right. We're also starting marriage counseling in a few days. The problem is that I don't know if I want to give him another chance, because I have a major crush on someone who seems to be so much more compatible with me and way more mature. He was DH's best friend, they no longer talk but he is my best friend at this point. I'm closer to him in many ways, and have had the crush since the moment I first saw him... and I met him and my now-DH at the same time. There is a long twisted story about why I didn't end up with him in the first place... it's hard to focus on my marriage when so distracted by such an infatuation and all the what ifs. Lucky for me this crush lives on the other side of the country and I pretty much never see him, but he knows my feelings now and he has felt the same way since day 1 too. It was that instant chemistry and magnetism that made us each notice the other from across the room, and when my marriage is struggling (pretty much every day), all I want to do is leave DH for him. I never thought I'd have feelings for anyone after getting married, I guess I'm naive sometimes. Thinking about cutting out my friend (although this may literally kill me) for a while to focus on my marriage and see if it's going to work. And if it is, to get some time away from the rush of feelings to hopefully get ahold of my emotions. Does this sound smart? Any thoughts? I feel like a crazy whore or something... I don't want to hurt anyone but at this point it's inevitable - and either way I'm breaking my own heart. Well even if I am crazy, it does help to vent.
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#22 of 32 Old 12-15-2008, 10:34 PM
 
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I've had a crush on the same guy for...oh, 12 years. I've been married for 9 years. Sigh. I know I am doing my marriage a huge disservice, and so I've tried to set my crush up with friends. That's helped diffuse it a bit, but I think it will always be there. I'm trying to limit contact at this point, but at one point it was so bad that I thought about him every night while falling asleep, everyday, driving my kids around. Ugh. For me, it wasn't even sexual. I am just so fond of the guy and he's always been just a little unattainable. Oh, that, and my dh is sometimes not so "d". And life is hard right now, financially and emotionally. I think that guy reminds me of a happier time in my life, when I was young and carefree. It's easy to say "run away", but when you have feelings like that you make excuses to be in contact with the other person. If I ever did leave dh (sometimes I think about it but never seriously. Usually just when I'm really angry at him), it's not like I would go running into my crush's arms. It seriously is JUST a friendship for all intents and purposes. I think maybe I'm just lonely and like that he "gets" me.
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#23 of 32 Old 12-16-2008, 11:10 AM
 
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While I think it's totally normal to have crushes, it's important to realize that usually it's not as much about the other person as it really seems. Usually,it's us pining for the days when we had fewer responsibilities and more freedom. These other people are usually symbolic more than anything. Write your husband a love letter, and remember what made you fall in love with him.
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#24 of 32 Old 12-18-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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Yep. And women, too.

I'm poly, so this isn't too big of a deal to me...but I say if it bothers you enough to feel guilty for whatever reason, talk to your partner. Everybody has crushes, maybe he can commiserate!

Hugs mami. All will be well.
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#25 of 32 Old 12-18-2008, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
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Oh gosh, I started this thread, and now I find myself replying to others. But that's exactly what I want to say -- it's so amazing -- since I posted this, almost exactly a month ago, I feel totally differently now! My crushee's wife came back in town, I realized I did not like the way I was feeling re: being *totally* honest w my husband, and I just snapped out of it.

The point is that these things are temporary, they do pass.... you feel SO deep in them when you're in them, but then they go away. So you've got to think (kristin esp) of what long-term affect this is going to have on your family and your life.

Many of these posts helped me to realize this, esp the ones that recommend taking that energy and re-directing it toward your husband. In your case, Kristin, it sounds like you are displacing some of the energy and disappointment from your marriage onto this other guy. You've really got to figure out your marriage as its own issue, and let the other guy be a separate thing (ie, he is not the "solution" to your marriage issues).

I know, believe me, this is much easier to say than to do. What really helped me was a serious look in the mirror and reality check on what I want for my life. Look into the eyes of your husband and child and make good decisions.

good luck honey, I am rooting for you!
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#26 of 32 Old 12-18-2008, 06:24 PM
 
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While I think it's totally normal to have crushes, it's important to realize that usually it's not as much about the other person as it really seems. Usually,it's us pining for the days when we had fewer responsibilities and more freedom. These other people are usually symbolic more than anything. Write your husband a love letter, and remember what made you fall in love with him.
This. I've felt that being honest with my dh about it not only helps to diffuse the crush, but makes me feel less guilty about having the feelings in the first place. Recently I developed and intense crush on a fictional character. (I'm ok if you laugh at this.) But I was honest with my dh that what I missed was the feeling of first love. We had a long discussion and he understood that what I wanted wasn't someone else, it was just to have those feelings again. Unfortunately, it's difficult to have those feelings about someone you know so well, as the "getting to know you" part is so much of what makes those feelings so intense. But talking about it helped so much and I no longer felt guilty for having such secret "bad" feelings.
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#27 of 32 Old 01-03-2009, 01:13 PM
 
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I don't see any particular reason to get bent out of shape over crushes. I have them all the time. So does DH.

I just enjoy them for what they are -- crushes, passing fancies. I never actually tell the crush-person or do anything about them. Passing fancies are normal, and in time they do pass.

I do tell DH I'm suffering from a crush and he takes it in stride, yanks my chain good naturedly, and every once in a while, we share the same crush-person! That's always fun for mutual fantasies.

But the bottom line is -- I'm married to DH, not the passing fancies.

A.
Exactly. I tell my DH about my 'crushes', he will tease my and we have a good laugh. I don't ever intend on doing anything with a crush, they are simply someone whom I might find sexually, mentally or physically attractive, and normally for good reason (oh, that bartender's bum!). haha.

Anyways, we are human. It is NORMAL to feel feelings of desire towards other humans, no matter what type of relationship you are in. I would allow yourself to have these feelings, tell yourself they are normal, close your eyes at night and enjoy them while they last, and move on.

Now, since this person is someone closer in your life, than lets say a bartender, maybe keep some distance for a while, while you sort out some of these normal natural attractions. They can be a little powerful feeling sometimes, even though they are only a crush. Maybe try to make a new friend and be 'busy' with them for a while. Or, book a class for one of those weekend days.

As long as they are just a crush, I wouldn't stress.

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#28 of 32 Old 01-03-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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I've had a crush on the same guy for...oh, 12 years. I've been married for 9 years. Sigh. I know I am doing my marriage a huge disservice, and so I've tried to set my crush up with friends. That's helped diffuse it a bit, but I think it will always be there. I'm trying to limit contact at this point, but at one point it was so bad that I thought about him every night while falling asleep, everyday, driving my kids around. Ugh. For me, it wasn't even sexual. I am just so fond of the guy and he's always been just a little unattainable. Oh, that, and my dh is sometimes not so "d". And life is hard right now, financially and emotionally. I think that guy reminds me of a happier time in my life, when I was young and carefree. It's easy to say "run away", but when you have feelings like that you make excuses to be in contact with the other person. If I ever did leave dh (sometimes I think about it but never seriously. Usually just when I'm really angry at him), it's not like I would go running into my crush's arms. It seriously is JUST a friendship for all intents and purposes. I think maybe I'm just lonely and like that he "gets" me.
i could have written this post! after a few days of acting stupid, i told my crush that i had a crush on him and he was like "oh, whatever" and that seemed to help.
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#29 of 32 Old 01-03-2009, 09:48 PM
 
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I've been there as in a crush and as in an extramarital affair...

Those crushes for me indicate two things. One, I'm in the second trimester of a pregnancy. I had crushes on firemen and my obgyn so bad. Completely hormonal.

The other crushes happened when my dh and I had more of a hostile type of relationship and then affair happened. I got married real young and succumbed to the 7 year itch. Anyhow. I'm attracted to a dif. type of guy now than I was at 17.

I would take it like these ladies have said as a warning sign if it's more than just a fleeting thought of "oh that's attractive." Think about what it is about that person that attracts you and if that's something you need more of in your relationship.

Picturesque-I hope it's not the same fictional character I have a crush on currently. LOL. But I think it's safet to have a crush on a fictional character than your bestfriend's husband.

And GOD Forbid that your bestfriends husband reveals a crush on YOU! That happened to me. he would always talk about trying to give me a massage and dh was like oh, that's his trade. he's your friend...no biggie. Well, we moved out of town and he sent me erotica and invitations to get together. A very crummy position to be in. Because I did not want to be the one to tell my best friend since hs that her beloved was a cheater. (there were other women)
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#30 of 32 Old 01-10-2009, 02:26 AM
 
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I just wanted to say that this post helped me IMMENSELY. Seriously, I have been on the verge of tears FOR WEEKS because I have a crush on someone other than my DH. The thing that makes it worse is that my husband is in Iraq right now, and I TOLD the guy [the crush, not my DH] that I liked him one stupid drunken night. Nothing has happened other than that and the guy even told me not to worry about it because I was drunk. [Believe me, I don't drink often, but that night I had a few friends from out of town, etc etc]. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you SO much, for this post. lol SERIOUSLY. I was thinking that I didn't love my husband anymore and I wasn't willing to give up on my marriage, etc. Now I realize that, [what I've come to think anyway] is that I just feel I'm missing something in my marriage and this guy just happened to be around [nothing even go serious with this guy, our conversations never got serious nothing, well except for the time I told him I liked him apparently haha]. Anyway, I realize now I just have to let this go as a crush, and I think I will tell my husband about it because of how scared I was that things were ending etc, and how ridiculous I feel about it now and how far I let it take me.
I just want to say thank you, again and again!!
Thank you so much!!

K Sheppard
[btw, this is my first time on this site I actually googled "married with a crush on another man" or something along those lines, and this is what popped up. I think I'll definitely be on this site a lot more now.]
Thank you all!!
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