*Let the Drama Begin!* Life w/ Family During the Holidays - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mine began YESTERDAY.... the day BEFORE Turkey Day.
*rolls eyes and wipes a tear*

This is my first year ever hostessing Thanksgiving.

My dad would rather go hunting.

My mom called my 13 YEAR OLD on his cellphone and said she was going to stop by real quick, but not eat anything.

I think I just literally FELT myself outgrow their dysfunctional CRAP.

Anyone wanna WHINE with me?

... and then feel better and more positive than ever?

Bean
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#2 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 02:19 PM
 
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Ah. This sounds a lot like a T-day I had 5 years ago. We had just moved into our house and had gotten engaged. I had asked all my family (and his) if they'd like to do T-day with us.

They said "yes" so I bought a really nice BIG turkey. Sadly, it went to waste. His family and mine blew us off. It's not like DH or I have siblings that come out to visit our families either (he's an only and my one sister lives in another country)—so there really wasn't a good excuse for our parents to pull that crap. It was very hurtful, and I still resent them for it to this very day.

I don't think people who are older (retired or near it) always think about how blowing off their kids on the holidays can be very hurtful. Perhaps they just don't see us as taking as serious a part in them as they did. Perhaps they think since the kids are adults their job as family is done. Or perhaps it makes them feel "old" when someone else does the holiday planning.

But don't let this ruin your day. Enjoy your T-day with those who are nearest to you. Bring your learned traditions together and come up with some new ones. If your parents are stick in the muds, the heck with them! They are the ones who are missing out, but you shouldn't be.

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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#3 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 05:56 PM
 
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i am hiding upstairs right now...

Erika, wife to Eric, Mom to Son's, Mathias, Colin and Bonus Baby Girl Salem ::
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#4 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 06:29 PM
 
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I want to whine. So, I've been working for the last four days on a from-scratch, vegan Thanksgiving meal to have. My family of origin are omnivores and refuse to eat anything vegan. DP works insane hours. So it's just me and my not quite two year old trying to get things ready for our half of the meal. For some reason, my mother decides that the meal has to be done at the time when my DD normally takes a nap (2PM - which what kind of dinner hour is that anyway?). I try to get her to take a nap a bit early, but with all the excitement, no dice. So, wasting all the time to try to parent her to sleep, I fall behind on dinner preparations and my daughter sleeps through the dinner. My brother yells at me because my mother is angry that we're not ready for dinner at time, calling me a bitch. This, of course, is after I've been yelled at for breastfeeding my daughter, potty training my daughter, and being told that my daughter is "like the girl in Willy Wonka" because I view tantrums as a toddler unable to control her emotions, not a way to manipulate me and therefore meriting punishment.

And we have a second Thanksgiving with my not-in-laws coming up. I'm done, like now.
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#5 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
Ah. This sounds a lot like a T-day I had 5 years ago. We had just moved into our house and had gotten engaged. I had asked all my family (and his) if they'd like to do T-day with us.

They said "yes" so I bought a really nice BIG turkey. Sadly, it went to waste. His family and mine blew us off. It's not like DH or I have siblings that come out to visit our families either (he's an only and my one sister lives in another country)—so there really wasn't a good excuse for our parents to pull that crap. It was very hurtful, and I still resent them for it to this very day.

I don't think people who are older (retired or near it) always think about how blowing off their kids on the holidays can be very hurtful. Perhaps they just don't see us as taking as serious a part in them as they did. Perhaps they think since the kids are adults their job as family is done. Or perhaps it makes them feel "old" when someone else does the holiday planning.

But don't let this ruin your day. Enjoy your T-day with those who are nearest to you. Bring your learned traditions together and come up with some new ones. If your parents are stick in the muds, the heck with them! They are the ones who are missing out, but you shouldn't be.

Awww thank you!

I am sorry your family hurt you, even if it was a few years ago now.

I just think some people can't help but be jerks. They know they are doing it... but they do it anyway. :

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i am hiding upstairs right now...
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Originally Posted by boigrrrlwonder View Post
I want to whine. So, I've been working for the last four days on a from-scratch, vegan Thanksgiving meal to have. My family of origin are omnivores and refuse to eat anything vegan. DP works insane hours. So it's just me and my not quite two year old trying to get things ready for our half of the meal. For some reason, my mother decides that the meal has to be done at the time when my DD normally takes a nap (2PM - which what kind of dinner hour is that anyway?). I try to get her to take a nap a bit early, but with all the excitement, no dice. So, wasting all the time to try to parent her to sleep, I fall behind on dinner preparations and my daughter sleeps through the dinner. My brother yells at me because my mother is angry that we're not ready for dinner at time, calling me a bitch. This, of course, is after I've been yelled at for breastfeeding my daughter, potty training my daughter, and being told that my daughter is "like the girl in Willy Wonka" because I view tantrums as a toddler unable to control her emotions, not a way to manipulate me and therefore meriting punishment.

And we have a second Thanksgiving with my not-in-laws coming up. I'm done, like now.
OMG! You stay strong and know that your family's view is the minority (at least in my world ). What they did was mean. Big hugs and make the most of the rest of your holiday weekend.
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#6 of 17 Old 11-27-2008, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i am hiding upstairs right now...
Come on down and join us over here!

HUGS
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#7 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 02:21 AM
 
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The actual T-day over here was fine. Tiring on my end, but not work I dislike. I don't mind cooking, and tidying up because I host big holiday things but once every few years.

The drama was a few days before arguing with my spouse because of my unmet emotional needs.

The result is good -- he's hearing me loud and clear about my need for extra support esp. during holiday times but it was a doozy getting there.

A.
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#8 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 02:32 AM
 
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oh i feel all of you......

i anounced a pregnancy today and only one person out of 8 adults present said congratulations

my step-monster said "how are you going to feed and clothe it?" uuughhh
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#9 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 01:47 PM
 
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just an email but oh. my. fricking.dog.

the disconnect with reality is unbelievable. she described visiting my sister for t day as being "like pioneer days",

um. hello, this was her LIFE! She didn't live without heat to be "quaint" or "picturesque" for youR amusement, beeyotch, THIS IS WHAT POVERTY LOOKS LIKE!!!!

And guess what? when you took your nasty little $500 dogs back to your trashy little McMansion in your trashy little suburb SHE WAS STILL COLD.
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#10 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 02:18 PM
 
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oh i feel all of you......

i anounced a pregnancy today and only one person out of 8 adults present said congratulations

my step-monster said "how are you going to feed and clothe it?" uuughhh
I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS! Did you tell your stepmother "naturally of course."

We had an announcement here too. Now that's drama I can support! :
After a miscarriage last Valentine's day, my brother and his girlfriend announced that they are expecting again! I am thrilled for them. I think they have got as ready as any two ppl can get and my dad dropped a hint that before the gf got the news she was pg, she told db that she wanted a RING for Christmas. He had asked her to marry him when she got pg the first time and she said no no no she didn't want to get married just because she was pg. Well, I hope he pops the question at Christmas with a RING! And then reveals the other news about the baby later. SIL-to-Be is worried she will be showing by then. But my mom has never met her so I think they could probably wait to tell. I don't think they will though.

My mom will be here visiting and she will flip out and drag them to the JP if he doesn't marry this girl. She is so sweet and lovable and I can not wait for her to be my SIL! But my family has this thing about hating outsiders and I hope my mom can overcome her issues and just BE nice to the girl.

I only hope that my family doesn't scare this poor girl away! : She meets them for the first time at Christmas. God help us all. And it's happening here, at my house.

Well atleast this year will be different in that I will not have those little "oh if only we were all together on the holiday" thoughts.

It's been years since we tried a family get together for Christmas. My brother and his gf come for the holidays but we've held my mom and stepdad at bay for years.

Oh my mom is bringing the two most disgusting dogs ever. The bright side of that is that even though they may mess up my home, I have a crate and a garage and she is traveling with the beasts in a smart car!

I am really hoping that my sister will come up here.
Now that she knows there will be drama she has decided to try to rent a car. It will be nice to have the support in dealing with my mom.

And I can't bear the thought of my sis being alone in TX for the holidays while BIL is in Iraq. It's also my nephews first Christmas and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to plant a kiss on those gigantic chubby cheeks of his.

My mom and stepdad were planning on driving down to TX after Christmas. My sis can't really afford to come up her car won't make it, but she came up with the idea of renting a car and coming for a day or two to avoid having my mom come stay with her. (My mom made herself quite a pest when sis had the baby in August.) Anyhow...I want my sister here bad. My sister is going to ask her to pitch in a car rental to come up here for one big Christmas rather than extending their trip. I think the idea will appeal to my stepdad. I'm trying to think of a way to pass some $ my sister's way.

I think that makes the most sense but that will give me 7 guests plus two DOGS. Nasty Dogs.

But I do feel a sense of trepidation or dread about it. I keep finding myself saying "Please GOD let them behave themselves." And I know that's a totally ridiculous thing to ask for knowing my family and accepting them AS IS.

And so I am hostessing this thing. HERE at my house. Which brings up logistical problems. Like how will everyone FIT. But atleast I can stay focused on hostessing issues rather than worry about the emotional ones for now.
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#11 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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eventually when you are old like me you realize that no drama can take place without your participation. and thats a very liberating day.
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#12 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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My SIL who hates my family and is trying to sever ties between all of us, didn't speak a word to my 2.5 twins all day yesterday. Barely acknowledged that we were even in the same room and just sat on the couch with this really pissed off look on her face...It was fun

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#13 of 17 Old 11-28-2008, 09:12 PM
 
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eventually when you are old like me you realize that no drama can take place without your participation. and thats a very liberating day.
OH the drama will happen whether I am there or not. lol.
Sometimes you just decide to give the old family another chance. Spirit of Christmas and all of that. :

I just raked my yard.
Even if my sister doesn't come dh is going to be peeved that I invited here here.
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#14 of 17 Old 11-29-2008, 05:55 PM
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oh i feel all of you......

i anounced a pregnancy today and only one person out of 8 adults present said congratulations

my step-monster said "how are you going to feed and clothe it?" uuughhh

Have you asked yourself that question?
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#15 of 17 Old 11-29-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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oh i feel all of you......

i anounced a pregnancy today and only one person out of 8 adults present said congratulations

my step-monster said "how are you going to feed and clothe it?" uuughhh
Want to say congrats on your pg, but I think that is a legit question. Maybe it is none of their business, but I would HOPE my family would step in and ask questions that pertain to my child(ren)'s well being and safety. I don't know the circumstances, but is there a reason they are asking? And you don't have to answer my questions, but maybe they are questions you should be answering for yourself. Sometimes when we get defensive about things, we tend to be unwilling to listen to anything others want to share or offer, both good and bad. I find no offense to being asked that question. If there is no problem with feeding and clothing the children, then whats the problem and why the worry? Usually when we get defensive, there may be some hint of truth to it. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, and being a mother, that should include your children.

I don't get along with all my family, but I tend to just let negative comments roll off my back.. I can't pelase everyone. But I do take seriously anything and everything pertaining to my kids... If there is concern, I will take it to heart and ask myself, why are they mentioning this concern, is there substance to it, and what can I do better for myself and the kids? I don't have to give the family answers, or do what they say, but I do listen.

Good luck....and again, congrats!!
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#16 of 17 Old 11-29-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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I've been stressing WAY too much on a Christmas present for my father. I loathe him and the feeling is mutual. I've been buiying my parents books that are important to me (which then means I can't afford to have copies of my own after i return them to the library which means i can't lend them to other people I want to share them with) but he recently confessed that HE DOESN'T READ THEM.

The most recent "happy Tuesday" present was a book about the Cold War and the damage that the suburban lifestyle I grew up in did to father-child relationships. He says he read the first ten pages of it, decided he didn't give a cr@p what happened to the characters, and then traded it in at the used bookstore for a lighthearted comedy.

I was devastated. the book is Henry 3 by Joseph Krumgold, as if anyone cared about me or my feelings, and it is out of print and not that easy to find.
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#17 of 17 Old 11-29-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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eventually when you are old like me you realize that no drama can take place without your participation. and thats a very liberating day.
I'm trying to get there, I swear I am. My mom always says you can't control or change other people's thoughts or behavior, and if you think you can, then who is truly the crazy one? All you can control is yourself, right?

Well, lately I do a lot better with controlling my own behavior. But thoughts--that's sticky. I keep myself from responding and thus avoiding the "drama" BUT I still have thoughts and that sucks.

Here's a 3-part question for smart MDC mamas:

1) What do you do when you've reached the point where you can keep yourself from reacting/responding but still feel resentful/hurt/let down by the fact that other's can't or won't change or behave in a way that meets your hopes and expectations? (In other words, how to keep yourself from feeling crappy when others act badly even if you don't take the bait?)

2) How can we change our expectations of others in a way that doesn't sell ourselves short? (for example, realize that MIL is crazy bitch and you won't ever being to be able to change her, without letting yourself be treated like poop or enabling her inappropriate comments/behavior?)

3. How can we set firm boundaries, and enforce them in such a way that does not set us up for conflict and "drama"?

I am truly trying to reach this next step but it's really confusing for me.
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