Toxic StepMother-Please help. Update #18 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-03-2009, 08:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am going to try my best to keep this short and to the point. I am having a terrible time keeping positive about my life and I really could use some advice.

In 1999 my Mom's health took a bad turn. My Father worked nights, and was ready to retire in Spring 2000. I moved back home (and was newly pregnant) so that my Dad didn't worry about my Mom at night. I was unprepared with how bad my Mom's health would become. I truly at the time thought my move back home was temporary.

Mom passed in 2006. I'm still living at home. In many ways my Dad and I became dependent on each other. I don't think it was ever unhealthy, it was family helping family. We both knew it wouldn't go on forever, but for that time period it was what was.

My Dad now is newly married (Oct 2008). I moved out of my Dad's home in Sept 2008. My dd and I are very happy with our new life. My Dad did help me in many ways emotional and financially with my move. We've always gotten along great. I have always believed my relationship with my Dad was one of the strongest relationships in my life.


Now since he started dating his wife there has always been this odd tension between she and I. At first I thought she was just shy and standoffish. Then slowly my Dad began treating me differently. Throwing a lot of negative comments my way. I've rolled with the punches.

We sold our house, we both got new placed to live. I thought our relationship would benefit. It seems that new wife didn't like the dependency between my Dad and I. I thought the moves would make everybody happier.

Over Christmas it got really bad. We were suppose to meet up at my Dad's place on Christmas morning at 10:30. I woke up at 8:30 and my Dad was in my living room watching tv. He looked so bad, beat up, sad. When I took him aside and asked him what was wrong he said "I think I made a big mistake. . . I think I destroyed my family. . . I don't think I should have to ask permission to see my Grand-daughter."

I told him that I had his back, that he didn't destroy his family, that myself and my siblings would always be there for him. I told him that I thought he and new wife needed to talk more. That their issues could be worked out with communication. We had a lovely morning.

The next day I was invited to their home (along with new wife's 3 daughters) for a Christmas party. Well most of the issues between new wife, and Dad, the content of their fight which led to my Dad coming to our house the day before, was all about me and how I am a lying manipulative person who takes advantage of my Dad to get what I want.

I didn't want to go to the party with everything I was told. So I didn't go. The day after my Dad calls and says he and new wife want to get together with me, "to make sure were all on the same page". I told my Dad I really didn't think it was necessary, that I believed that the problems were a lack of communication between new wife and him, not them and me. He kept asking I said okay.

We sat at my kitchen table while new wife basically told me everything she didn't like about me. She said I should be using daycare over Christmas vacation instead of family (I asked my Dad to watch my dd for 2 mornings over vacation), she kept asking me when am I going to be taking care of my bills myself (I haven't asked my Dad for money since I moved in September, but we had a huge estate sale at the end of Nov, where most of the items belonged to me. My Dad said he was going to deposit $1000 into my account after the sale, and I said no just pay my rent this month ($400). She just kept going on and at one point said "I'm afraid we'll end up raising your daughter".

So I played nice, defended myself politely, and then ended the whole thing saying I had to get to the Laundromat. I cried and felt just so used by my Dad. He just stood there and allowed this woman to pollute who I am. I wrote my dad a letter. I asked him to keep his distance from me for a while. I told him that this was breaking my heart, that I mean no ill will, but that I just couldn't take these "meetings" anymore. This wasn't the first time, but this would be the last. I again told him that his wife and he needed to be on the same page. That if he wanted to watch dd for me, he needed to tell her that I wasn't begging him for help, but that he wanted to be involved. I told him that I wouldn't be excepting money or favors because I don't want it to come back to burn me. I did however say that I felt the way his wife talked to me was out of line, and I would not entertain it again. This is the first time in two years I have stood up for myself in this situation.

My letter had no blame. Was simply stating my feelings, and how I needed to be left alone.

Two days later I get a letter from new wife. The first two paragraphs are about how when I don't use daycare I am guilting my Dad into watching dd. (My Dad ended up not watching my dd over vacation, we were just fine). Then she states
"I didn't think I was out of line the way I talked to you, I do know there was a lot more I wanted to say but didn't".
"Your Dad has a tendency to believe everything you tell him".
"You are welcome to come here when R and H come, but please don't come with an attitude".

This was left for me after I asked her to stay out of my business. That's all I asked for. I said nothing negative about her. I told my Dad I thought his marriage would benefit from a break from me. I actually believed that this would help everybody involved. I believed that maybe his wife would leave me alone.

The letter was bad, I shared very little here. I feel like my relationship with my Dad is changed forever. I don't want anything to do with this woman again. I had already planned on moving across the country to get away from the situation before all this happened. Dd and I are moving in June.

I don't know how to put into words in a positive way that I want no contact again with my Dad and his wife. I don't want my words to be petty or angry. I want them to be clear. I love my Dad with all my heart. I miss him coming over for dinner (he's "allowed" only when wife is working) and him just being in my life. But if he's in my life, she's in my life, and it's destroying my self esteem.

Before I moved I was taking sleeping pills to get to bed. I was in therapy. I was a stressed out mess in many ways. Trying to deal with all the changes in my life, trying to deal with the changes in my Dad, and dealing with the words this woman had for me. It does effect me, even if I know better. It does make me wonder if I'm a bad person. I've never had a person have it so out for me before.

Now I'm totally 100% on my own, doing awesome, loving my new life, and really feeling confident when they are not around. She still just has to have control in some way in my life, and wanting my Dad to see what she sees.

What do I say, what do I do, to keep this from happening again? I don't want hateful words, I want to be left alone to live happy.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 01-03-2009, 09:46 PM
 
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What a bully of a step-mom. You can either walk away or fight for your relationship for your dad. You have nothing to lose by fighting since your relationship is being pretty much destroyed by this woman.

I would call your Dad and read him the riot act over this woman's behavior and set up some boundaries.

I would then confront her with him there and tell her where to get off. (Keep it short and sweet, rehearse it, and walk out once I was done--it's not up for debate so I wouldn't stick around for her to try and change tactics in the game she's playing.)

And walk out. And let Dad come to me once he had processed everything.

If she's doing this kind of crap to you, what kind of mind games is she playing with him or your other siblings?

If you don't stand up to her, she will think she's won and has no incentive to modify her behavior. She's not going to have any revelation of her problems and probably will never change-- no matter how reasonable and sane you are, she's likely incapable of the kind of emotional insight that actual change would require. She's either borderline personality disorder or a sociopath or we are missing some key details of the situation.

Read The Sociopath Next Door and see if she fits. That book will give you some guidance for how to handle her.

IME the only way to deal with people like this is to be a bigger bully than they are. They back down pretty quick once they realize you are not such a soft, easy target.

V

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Old 01-03-2009, 10:02 PM
 
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I felt bad reading this and not posting. It sounds to me like your dad's wife is jealous of you. What I'm getting from her "issues" with you is that she's grasping at straws to find something to justify her jealously. She may not even be aware of it, who knows.

I think you are handling the whole situation very well. Personally, since she is okay with telling you how she feels about you then I think it would be fine for you write to your dad and explain in blunt terms why you'll have no more contact with his wife. Maybe even send your dad the letter she sent to you and let him know that you will be throwing away any more letters (unopened) from her in the future. You can lovingly tell him that you love him and he is welcome in your life anytime but that you won't let someone treat you the way that she is treating you. Your relationship with your father is none of her business unless it directly involves her. I would also mention that you will no longer ask him to baby-sit for you so your use of daycare is NONE of her business as it will not effect him or her in the future. From that point on just ignore her. Don't engage her in anyway. If she sends you more letters either return to sender or just throw them away. Make sure that your dad knows that you're more than happy to have him in your life but until she can respect you as HIS daughter then you'll have to have nothing to do with her.

You are not a bad person and there is nothing wrong with expecting to be treated with respect. I think it's time that you stood up for yourself at this point. It sounds to me like you've been very supportive of your dad and you've given her a fair chance. If she wanted your relationship to be peaceful then she would've made the effort by now. You are an adult and she should be treating you like one.

If she doesn't like the dynamics between you and your dad then she needs to talk to your dad about it and leave you out of it. That is between them NOT you. He's responsible for his relationship with her and making you sit down and listen to her talk down to you is extremely inappropriate imo. He needs to tell her to back off.

She might be the type of person who feeds on negativity but if you just ignore her she'll eventually go away. Hopefully your dad will come to his senses and find a way to help her feel secure in their marriage that doesn't involve belittling you. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with that. It's gotta hurt.
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Old 01-03-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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Janna, I think you are doing very well. I think there is no need to "confront or have it out with your step-mother. As you say, she is toxic. Try to maintain your relationship with your father. Hopefully he will be able to visit and write and talk to you and his granddaughter.
Just to relate. I have two toxic people I refuse to have anything to do with. One is my brother-in-law and the other is an aunt. I have explained to my sister that I love her very much but that I did not marry her dh and and I do not have to tolerate him in my life. She knows exactly what I mean and we get together without him.
My aunt is kind of a crazy manipulative narcissist and I basicly don't have very much to do with her ever.
I believe, for our own well-being there are people, toxic people, that we must remove from our live and to do otherwise in many instances is just plain masochistic.
You didn't marry her-your dad did-let him deal with her or not.
Stay strong.
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Old 01-03-2009, 11:55 PM
 
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What a bully of a step-mom. You can either walk away or fight for your relationship for your dad. You have nothing to lose by fighting since your relationship is being pretty much destroyed by this woman.

I would call your Dad and read him the riot act over this woman's behavior and set up some boundaries.

I would then confront her with him there and tell her where to get off. (Keep it short and sweet, rehearse it, and walk out once I was done--it's not up for debate so I wouldn't stick around for her to try and change tactics in the game she's playing.)

And walk out. And let Dad come to me once he had processed everything.

If she's doing this kind of crap to you, what kind of mind games is she playing with him or your other siblings?

If you don't stand up to her, she will think she's won and has no incentive to modify her behavior. She's not going to have any revelation of her problems and probably will never change-- no matter how reasonable and sane you are, she's likely incapable of the kind of emotional insight that actual change would require. She's either borderline personality disorder or a sociopath or we are missing some key details of the situation.

Read The Sociopath Next Door and see if she fits. That book will give you some guidance for how to handle her.

IME the only way to deal with people like this is to be a bigger bully than they are. They back down pretty quick once they realize you are not such a soft, easy target.

V

I actually agree with Violet. This woman is pushing your buttons because you and your dad are letting her. She is clearly a bully that needs to be put in her place. She is the very new wife and not allowed to influence or change the relationship you and you father were perfectly happy with until she came along. If you want to count who helped who you gave six years of your life caring for your mom and easing your father's burden. What is or isn't appropriate aid for him to give you is none of her business. I would tell your dad that it seems he did make a mistake and while you wish him the best in his own home with her day to day, now you are going to set some boundaries to protect herself from her nasty behavior towards you. I would not speak to this woman or be in her presence any more. I would give him an open invitation to see you and your dd ALONE whenever he wanted to. And I would let his wife know that you are not at all interested in her opinions about your life or your relationship so she can just keep her negative thoughts to herself. And I would not read letters or emails from her nor would I take her phone calls anymore. Sadly, your dad jumped into a new marriage probably before his grief and clear thinking had kicked in. I doubt that she never said anything about you until after the wedding. He just couldn't see it coming.
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Old 01-04-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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I don't think you are letting her push your buttons as a PP suggested.

She seems mean and your father is not wanting to see it or move into it.

I might wait for your father to call you and I would be tender and honest with him on the phone with how you feel. I would stay away from them together and from her until they treat you differently and show some form of sorrow for recent and past words and treatment. You can't forgive them unless they seek it, in a sense. I would keep my heart honest and open to them but like you are doing not have much contact that puts your daughter or you in verbal harms way now or in the future until they demonstrate change.

This is just what I might do. You have to trust your instincts and take it one step at a time. But I am so so so sorry!

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Old 01-04-2009, 01:59 PM
 
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This thread has been on my mind and I don't know that I expressed myself as well as I could've. I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to you. Mom passed away and Dad hooked up with a not-so-nice second wife. Plus, I've had the unfortunate luck to run into a few sociopaths in work situations.

So your post set off all sorts of alarm bells for me.

Look, normal healthy people don't behave the way your stepmom has. If you melt away and take the path of least conflict, she will continue to play her games with your dad unabated and, I fear, victimize your whole family.

Walking away will not fix things with your father. It will just give her unlimited access and power, which is a problem as she has not proven trustworthy.

There is a serious power struggle going on, seemingly initiated by her. Your father seems to be passive and allowing the manipulation. Right now, you are her target, once she undermines your relationship with your father, who will be next? Isn't this what abusers do? Alienate their victims from friends and family?

I urge you to find a way to appropriately confront this situation before things get worse (of which there are all sorts of variations of worse, including her name on all your father's money and assets up to her not allowing you to see your father in the hospital should he ever become ill--all things I have seen).

I highly highly recommend the book The Sociopath Next Door. If you google it you can find author interviews that give you the highlights.

You also say you were in therapy? Could you talk to your therapist for some advice on how to handle this situation?

V

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Old 01-04-2009, 02:14 PM
 
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Walking away will not fix things with your father. It will just give her unlimited access and power, which is a problem as she has not proven trustworthy.

V
IME and opinion, sometimes walking away from mean people and those allowing them to be mean is honest and wise, not to mention protecting oneself.

He is married to this woman. It is his problem. His daughter is not responsible to fix things. The distance that his wife and he created by their words and actions and/or lack thereof is going to get wider unless his wife and he change directions and show sorrow for their words and actions, etc... He may need to boldly stand up to his wife and tell her to knock it off. Women can be nasty and I am sure its throwing him off as well as the OP but ultimately HE has to deal with it. I hope he finds a loving and bold way to lead his wife away from her jealousy and fear. What a mess.

Ultimately the OP has to trust her own instincts on what is good and right to do. I believe she will know what to do. She strikes me as honest, caring and thoughtful. Its a long road and I really admire her honesty in it.
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Old 01-04-2009, 03:41 PM
 
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trinity6232000, How does she treat your siblings? You mentioned having siblings so I was just wondering if this is something that is happening with all of you or is her behaviour directed solely at you.

What is your dad's relationship like with her kids?
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for every single response. This is exactly what I needed. Other opinions to help me sort my own out.

I don't want to confront new wife. I am not the type to do so, and the only things I can think to say will stoop me to her level. I do feel she is manipulative, and I've felt this way for some time. But I truly felt that once I moved into my own place, and my Dad into theirs, things would settle, and until this it had.

From what I gather this whole Christmas fight started because my Dad volunteered to watch dd for me a couple of days over Christmas vacation. I have a new job, M-F with no holidays off. So yeah I asked around to friends and family to see if dd could spend time with others during these days. I had more people come forward than days needed. So if my Dad didn't volunteer, I still didn't need daycare. PLUS daycare isn't open on Christmas morning, or New Years day. Dd is very sweet, well mannered, and actually could take care of herself. One of the people who offered help was a friend I dated and his wife. After they watched dd they said she can come over ANY TIME. That they really enjoyed having dd in their home. She's a good kid.

She's not playing any games with my siblings. Except she has bad mouthed me to my sister. But my sister lives in AZ and we live in PA, so there has been limited contact between them. My sister sees threw it, and has defended me. New wife likes to take my sisters kids shopping and buy them lots of crap when they visit.

Last summer my Dad asked my sister if her kids could visit. They flew out and were with us for 9 days. My Dad and new wife spend 2 afternoons with them, the rest of the visit was with me. One of the days they were "busy" I learned they went to a picnic at her families, and there was a parade. Don't you think that would be something that the grandkids would have enjoyed?

My niece (13yo) said to my sister when they got home "Why did Pap-pap want us to visit, he barely spent anytime with us at all?".

My brother lives about 45 minutes away and has a very simple relationship with my Dad. He expects nothing from my Dad, and they don't talk much, but they get along.

During the estate sale at my old house last month my Dad allowed somebody to buy my Mother's hand stitched baby quilt. It had the date of her birth on it, and was beautiful. It was suppose to stay in my cedar chest, and not be touched, when it was sold and I found out I freaked. My brother was about to call my Dad and freak on him. I told him not to. I said this wasn't about the quilt, it was about the lack of respect my Dad has shown me since he met this woman, and that I needed this event to learn that I was now alone.

My brother has been in Kuwait for the past month doing a USO tour (he's a professional musician). He doesn't know anything that's happened yet, and I'm not telling him until the end of the month or Feb. We were suppose to get together for the holidays when he got home. I am not attending due to my "attitude" new wife believes I have. I'm not giving my brother any information about the past month because I'm not about to be the person who starts a fight. I'm only going to say that we're not speaking, and if my name is brought up during the visit that my brother should politely say that since I'm not present, I shouldn't be discussed. If I tell my brother what's happened, he will confront them, and it will be twisted into yet another problem I caused. So I'm staying far out of it.

New wife has 3 daughters. All much older than I am. New wife always brings up the fact that her dd was a single mom too, and never asked for help. I think this says a lot more to do with her dd not wanting her mothers help, and not help in general. All 3 dd's were invited to new wife and Dad's new home on Christmas, and all 3 turned down the invitation. They all live within 20 minutes of us. What does that tell you?


I do feel bad that in a sense I have to abandon my Dad to save myself, but I didn't put myself in this. I have been kind, polite, and invited this woman into my family, even when she was poisoning my Dad with her opinions of me. But now that she has taken this to a whole new level, I don't want her anywhere near me. Ever, I'm done with her. Her letter to me was downright cruel, and showed me that there is no pleasing her.

When/If my Dad calls me I will simply explain that he is welcomed to come to our home on Mondays or Thursdays (the days new wife always works, and when my Dad would come over before), but I will not be in the presence of new wife.

My Dad doesn't look like the same person he was. He was a happy go lucky and jolly man. He is active in the community and church, and well loved. He's lost at least 10 pounds since they got married and lost all the color in his cheeks. It's sad, but it's not my mess to fix. I have to save myself in this situation. I'm being attacked and targeted, and that's not happening again.

The weirdest part of all, is that I moved first. They moved into her apartment 30 minutes away when they married, but were looking for a place to call their own. They moved into a house less than a half a mile from dd and I. They live right around the corner. My Dad said it was so that dd could ride her bike over anytime she wanted. He was so pleased to find a location so close. They moved in November. I haven't been invited to their house except for the Christmas party I passed on. Dd's been there once.


I feel my Dad does see a little of who new wife is. I don't think he is totally blind to it all. Or he wouldn't have said to me what he said on Christmas about making a mistake. Yet two days later he stood there while she laid into me in my own home, and said nothing. Then he left that letter she wrote at my house, I don't know if he read it, but he wrote a note on the outside of it. So at this point he is allowing this to happen. He is throwing me under the bus.


Thanks so much to those of you who read all my long posts. I just felt so alone in this situation, and needed this support. I miss my Dad so much. He was my favorite person in the world. But that person I think is gone, so while I wish I could make this all better and did feel maybe there was something I hadn't thought of that could fix it all, what I really should be doing is mourning what was.
Just typing all this out has helped a lot. It's helped me sort and think deeply about my feelings. I was in therapy with a really talented therapist, but was paying out of pocket, and I can't afford it. BUT when I was hired at my new job they said that they offer 8 sessions a year to all employees. So I'm going to look into that.
I think what's changed in my head in the past two days is that I want to get myself healthy with all these changes, and stop thinking there is anything I can do to change what is.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:58 PM
 
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What a brave and courageous woman you are. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
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Old 01-04-2009, 06:08 PM
 
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From your description it sounds like your dad's already miserable. Maybe when she's alienated everyone he cares about he'll wake up and leave her.

Until then, I think you're doing the right thing by remaining silent and staying away.


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Old 01-04-2009, 07:29 PM
 
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I have had two awful stepmothers. Luckily eventually my dad did come to see them for the nasty characters they were. Neither holds a candle to my mom.

But keep the the lines of communication open with your dad. I would simply make a copy of the nasty letter she gave you and return the original to your dad.
Tell him that these meetings really hurt you and you are not going to put up with her character assaults anymore. That you miss how well you and your dad used to get along and he's welcome to stop by and visit you at your place any time.

She does sound jealous and controlling. It would please her if you got mad and stopped talking to your dad very much. I might ease up, focus on your new job and raising your wonderful dd and just wait for your dad to see the light.

Imagine what she must be like on a day to day basis. ICk.
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Old 01-05-2009, 03:18 PM
 
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I think you are handling this whole thing very well. All you can do is try to stay positive and let her keep getting lower and lower. I think there'll come a point when she'll do something to cross the line with your dad. I hope it happens soon and he stops the maddness.

I'm willing to bet that if your sister lived close to your dad then she'd be dealing with the same thing. I think that since you had the misfortune of living so close to your dad and being such a large part of his daily life this is why she attacked you. She will eventually do this to your siblings as well, it's just a matter of time.

I am so sorry that your dad sold your mom's quilt. That would've broke my heart.
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Old 01-05-2009, 07:47 PM
 
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You know what's best for your situation.

I do have to say, I'm surprised at how often we, in a general sense, feel like the way to handle poor behavior on the part of others is to be silent and passive. The longer I live, the more I find that it is standing up to bullies (sometimes politely, sometimes not so politely) that yields the best results.

V

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Old 01-05-2009, 08:33 PM
 
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I'd like to add a bit of hope for you. My brother's wife did the whole controlling thing for several years and we didn't see his children during that time. At some point he said enough is enough and came over. He now comes with the kids on a regular basis to my Mom's and I can see the kids whenever as well as they can spend the neight at either place. He now basically does his thing and the wife does hers. Still, we have our relationship back and I'm glad to see it came around to this.

Maybe one day your dad will do the same. Hugs to you.
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Old 01-05-2009, 10:11 PM
 
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So Sorry for all this mess! It's such a headache and so draining on your heart. I know from personal experience- twice. I don't think you have done anything 'wrong' or inappropriate in this situation. I also don't think there is ANYTHING you could say or do that would make this sutation better. SHE is going to do what she wants- no matter who is in the ways. She also will only be stopped by your dad- he's the one that has to stand up to her, he's the one that has to be the 'bigger bully' not you. Sure you could stand up to her, life would be even more miserable-BLAME would be placed on YOU, and she would be all high and mighty about what was going on. I know- trust me. She would just say "SEE!!! I'm not the problem, she is!" and continue on her merry miserable way. Some people don't know how to be happy, and they take great happiness/pride in making those around them dependant on them and miserable. No matter the cost.

I agree with your stance to NOT interact with her. However, if you want to have a continued relationship with your dad- even after this woman is gone (crosses her fingers) I would tell HIM how you feel. I would tell him that he HAS indeed thrown you under the bus, and that it's totally unacceptable. By simply walking away you could, in theory be totally walking away from your Dad forever. I think if he knows WHY- in no uncertain terms- you have indeed left, there is less room for misunderstanding.

As for you brother, I don't think it's FAIR or Right for him to walk in to a sh#t storm that you COULD have told him about. I think he's going to be upset with YOU for not telling him what is going on. I think he'll feel that he doesn't matter enough for you to tell him. I DO see your logic, why you don't want to tell him until Feb. That seems to me, though- IMHO- a total cop out. You are avoiding looking like the 'bad' guy when you have done nothing to deserve that title from this woman.

No matter how you apporach the situaion, how you leave things, how you talk about things I think you are very strong. To recognize a bad situation and make a decision that suits YOU best and sticking to it is SO Hard! I know from personal experience in a very same situation. Just because you have needed sleeping pills, therapy, and anything else DOES NOT make you weak or crazy. It makes you a woman that loved her mother deeply, and was affected by the whole situation deeply. Human in other words. Don't let this woman or your father or the situation rob you of one more day of pain. That's a high price to pay, again IMHO.

Blessings to whatever you do do!

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 01-05-2009, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay small update.

Today after I got home from work, and before dd got home from school, my Dad stopped by. He popped his head in my door and said "Can I come in?". He hugged me at some point and told me he didn't like things the way they are. I told him I have no control in what's happening, other than to walk away from it.

He updated me on his week. At some point new wife left him, didn't tell him where she was going, and stayed at a friends for the night. (Mature right, did I mention that my Dad is turning 71 soon, and she's 68. Come on now.). At some point saying to my Dad that he should just have dd and myself move into his they're house, and she'll leave. She said this because she knows my Dad can't afford two rents, and STILL believes he is paying mine when he isn't.

I think she's just playing my Dad for sympathy, but at the same time she's delusional too.

I stated my position again. I told my Dad I didn't want him out of my life, but that for now I'm standing firm on not being a part of new wife's life, or she in mine.

I feel better. I just want my Dad to be able to be in our lives. It does suck that he doesn't all together "get it" but he many ways he is does, and it seems he respects and agrees that I shouldn't be around new wife.

We went out to dinner, dd was SO HAPPY to see her Pap. I imagine this is just the way it is now. I stood my ground, made known to both of them I wouldn't allow her to treat me bad. She showed her true colors with her awful letter to me, and I still stood strong.

My Dad agrees that I do not take advantage, and I'm not lying to him. I don't care what new wife thinks. As long as my relationship with Dad is strong, I feel okay with that.

I know this isn't the last time, but I think because I'm not allowing her to play me, she is understanding I'm stronger than she thought. I don't believe it's all better, but it's a step in the right direction.



THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for all the support. This thread helped me more than I knew it would. First just getting it out, then hearing others take on it all, I read and reread many messages, several times a day to get threw this.

I was really scared of the outcome of everything. I'm still a little scared, but knowing that my Dad sees threw most of her BS helps. It hurts that he can't stand firm with her and tell her to stop, but he does know it's wrong.


Quote:
Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post
As for you brother, I don't think it's FAIR or Right for him to walk in to a sh#t storm that you COULD have told him about. I think he's going to be upset with YOU for not telling him what is going on. I think he'll feel that he doesn't matter enough for you to tell him. I DO see your logic, why you don't want to tell him until Feb.
I see how that could be. I am not going to let my brother walk into the situation blind. I just didn't want to give him details. I don't want to tell him exactly what she said about me. If I'm brought up, just say we're not talking about that, enough said. My brother is a strong mouthed man, if he says we're not talking about that, people usually listen.

If I told my brother was exactly what was said about me he will bust into their house with a fire of fury. It would be bad, really really bad. He could end up saying things he can't take back later. He already knows what's already been said in the past, he already knows this woman has it out for me. If he goes off with the information I could give, I would be seen as the one who created a bigger problem. She wouldn't be upset at my brother for defending me, she would be upset that I "told" on her. I want to be left alone by this woman, I'm not giving her more ammunition against me.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 03-17-2009, 02:30 AM
 
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I hate to say it, but it sounds like this woman is mentally ill (maybe narcissistic personality disorder or something similar), and preying on your dad. She reminds me of my evil sister-in-law who banned my mom from her and my brother's home, which, in my opinion, started my mom down the short decline to her death a few months later. Why is it people like her (your step mom, my SIL) get to live, and people like your mom and mine have to die? That sounds awful, but it really doesn't seem fair that first you lost your mom, and now, basically, this woman has taken your father away. Hug to you.

Jen 47 DS C 2/03  angel.gif04/29/08/ DD S 10/28/09 DH Bill '97.

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Old 03-22-2009, 03:48 AM
 
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My step mom is just like this, but they have been married for 20 years. SHe is very manipulative of my dad and he allows it. As a result, he sees his 4 children very little and his 8 grandchildren even less. My sisters and I tried to include her and be the bigger person, but we are no match for her!! (and we dont want to be) We all ended the push/pull and have clearly told, our dad....its your choice. We saw them at Christmas (I live overseas) for 1 night and all was "civil" but none of us go to their house etc. We decided that the cycle of emotional abuse will not continue on and be targetted towards our children ( which was starting to happen). Its about your dad and where he's allowing this to happen and to be honest-theres nothing you can do. YOU cant control or changge things--its only your dad who can. LIVE YOUR LIFE and realize that relationships change-yes its sad, it hurts but its out of your control. BIG HUGS
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Old 06-03-2009, 05:46 PM
 
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I saw your link in a new post and wanted to comment. My brother married a woman like this and it's much the same, She went after me first when I was 15. He and I were super close. Then it was my mom, and to a lesser degree our brothers. She seems most threatened by me. There have been so many ugly phone calls and interactions. He left her for a while after she had him falsly arrested. Our relationship went back to normal. Regular phone calls (we live in different parts of the country) He reconciled with her and I heard from him exactly one more time.

He's apparently decided to not have contact with any of his family. He won't even respond to email. She's done so many ugly things, deletes our phone numbers.

I've decided not to try and have contact. I do not want this person to have any contact or info about my children so I no longer send pictures or anything else.

I'm very sad about it but my husband and I are adamant that we not allow her into our lives. We truly believe she has some undiagnosed mental disorder and I personally believe she could become violent. I can't have that around my children.
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