women and group dynamics - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 01-07-2009, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
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So yesterday was an odd day. I walked into a situation where I could tell I had been gossiped about and the gossip/talk was wrong. I feel free to ignore stuff like that but it was funny how every word or move I made was interpreted through their predetermined lens. Its sad that people don't think others know when they've been gossiped about or are being lied to. Anyway, I stayed quiet and just people do what they needed to do. It was sad to witness though. Personally I get PO'd when I am patronized esp. when its from their own made up nonsense but that is besides the point.

Then I came home and had a similar, but much more light and comical, situation online. But it served to bring some of my thoughts on the subject to a head. Its all good. Things always seem to happen for a reason and God can use the oddest things to help me be a kinder woman. I get mad that my time is being wasting when I am just trying to go about my business or when people try to bring it into my home. Kwim?

Anyhoo, my day ended with my laughing and being slightly annoyed at women and common group dynamics and wishing that women were free from stuff like that.

So this leads me to wanting to know your thoughts and experiences?

Why do YOU think women do stuff like it? Why do you think they don't realize what they are doing and that some others can put 2 + 2 together? Why aren't they upfront and direct with others and would rather sit in a group in secret than dealing with relationships or with situations?

--------------added 1/15------

Thanks everyone for your replies. Each has given me things to reflect upon and think about. I am not sure I believe its a self-fulfilling prophecy in general or specificially. I know that I try to assume the best of people and take them at their word. I do get thrown off by the betrayal that occurs later or he lies that emerge out of nowhere. I think people can be mean and dishonest at times regardless of whether you are assuming the best of them, seeing them honestly or assuming the worst. Darius and Ligmom .
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#2 of 6 Old 01-10-2009, 05:36 PM
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i think women are afraid to be open and honest with each other because we are afraid of being judged and found lacking. i know that in the past when i have engaged in that kind of behavior it has come from a place of insecurity and a desire to turn the attention away from me and my life, my flaws, my imperfections. once i became aware of my motivations, and how much that kind of behavior served to tear down people and relationships i began to make a concious choice NOT to behave that way and NOT to participate with others.

so sorry that you had this experience. i know it sucks. as i said, it all stems from fear. your signature seems highly appropriate to this subject
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#3 of 6 Old 01-10-2009, 08:14 PM
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I think a lot of 'women's dynamics' are self-fulfilling prophecies - you think they'll gossip and be secretive and underhanded and BAM, that's what you see. That isn't to say it doesn't happen, but it happens with men too. It's a human failing, not a gendered one.

I've seen those assumptions ruin attempts at friendships, and ruin existing ones.
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#4 of 6 Old 01-11-2009, 01:39 AM
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If you find yourself in a situation where you know people are talking about you, confront them. Ask them directly what is being said. The best thing to do is to bring it all out into the open. People are always surprised when you call them on things and they will either be defensive, or they will come clean. Ya know dispense w/ the criptic BS and move on with it. It gives you the opportunity to explain your side, or to tell people that it is none of their business.

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#5 of 6 Old 01-11-2009, 04:12 PM
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I've removed a couple of posts for User Agreement violations, and also removed posts that responded to uav's.


Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)

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#6 of 6 Old 01-11-2009, 04:40 PM
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as unfortunate as it is, I think it's a way of bonding for many women -- kind of like a pack mentality. complaining/gossiping about other women is a way for those who are "in" to define those who are "out" while shoring up their own position in the group.

I also agree with the PP that it mostly comes from a place of insecurity and fear. When I have gossiped about others (hangs head in shame), it's come from insecurity. As I've grown more secure and happier in my life, I gossip much less.
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