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#1 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok I am going to shorten this, or it will turn into a book.
My son is 15 years old.
When he was 9, I moved overseas to be with my hubby, and my son stayed in the states with his dad. He did not want to go with me. We said if he liked the country I moved to when he visited in the summer, then he would move in with me there.He visited all summer, didnt like it, so as soon as that was over with, and I had my baby(i was preggo at the time, too) my hubby applied for immigration to immirgrate to the states.

This took two years. Meanwhile I spoke on the phone with my son everyday and he visited in the long summer break.

When i moved back, my son was 12. he wanted to live with me, but we lived at my dads, we didnt have space, and besides, there was no legal change of circumstance to justify me filing for custody.

his relationship with his stepmom(who has been his stepmom for 13 years)is now strained, and she is treating him very badly. for this reason, over the last year, he has been begging me to move in with me. we have a house and everything.

after hearing on my sons cellphone one day, when he called me and told me to listen, his stepmother scream obscenities at him, i filed pro se for custody. his father hired a lawyer and is fighting it. he will not let my son live with me. he told my son because he doesnt want to pay child support. i tried to solve this together with his dad outside of court, but he wouldnt talk to me. he never ever speaks to me. i was dealing with the stepmom, but after that incident in november, i stopped talking to her as well.

my son has been to the school counselor, etc. cps is now getting involved.

i went to court last week, but the case was trasferred to a different county. i have 20 days to make up my mind, or the case is dismissed.

i dont know what to do.
to carry on with this case is causing me severe stress. i do not have or cannot afford a lawyer. so i know that is against me. my son is extremely mad at me if i dont go through with the case.he really is tired of being treated badly at his dads, as well as other issues such as school, his brother is at my house, his best friend lives here, our house is clean and his dads is nasty and horrible(his words),etc. He cries all the time.

on one hand, i want to fight for my son, but on the other hand i think of all the stress it is causing me and he doesnt have it so bad at his dads. they buy him lots of things i dont, and take him places i cant afford to take him.

I need help with this decision. obviously there is a lot to this story i didnt type, i tried to shorten it as best i could.

thanks for reading.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#2 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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No advice just hugs. I am so sorry you are going thru this.


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#3 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 06:14 PM
 
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Is the only reason why your sons father doesn't want him to live with you b/c he doesn't want to pay child support? Maybe if you agree that he didn't have to then he'd allow your son to live with you. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say.
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#4 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 06:55 PM
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Fight for your son. Even if you lose, he needs to see you try.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#5 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 07:42 PM
 
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Fight for your son. Even if you lose, he needs to see you try.


And you will feel proud of not being driven by fear, too.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#6 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 07:51 PM
 
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What a sad story. I need to be blunt here.
Your children come first. Not you or your new husband. Any stress you would endure dealing with the case is nothing compared to what he is/will go through in his current living situation. You need to make this right and fight for your son. You say he doesnt have it so bad at his Dads? Are you saying that to justify not fighting for custody? Because it sounds to me like he is absolutely miserable. Maybe he just needs his mother? Its not about you having money to buy him things and take him places. Obviously your ex is doing that and he is still not happy.



Best of luck.
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#7 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all replies.

Sometimes I know he is very unhappy at his dads, and then sometimes, I think I compare my hellish childhood to his, and his doesnt seem so bad to me. Im not trying to downplay it, I just see him living at his dads with a ps3, and good food, nice clothes and think a little bit of yelling isnt so bad. And the fact he will still have to go over there, even if on weekends, so the problem will still be there.
I am not afraid of going to court and fighting, I just dont want my son to see me being torn to shreds by their lawyer, this is already so emotionally hard on him that I really dont want to add anything to it. I have nothing to lose by fighting. I will still see my son, regardless.
I just thought if i swept it under the carpet and said no, im not doing it, then we could all get on with our lives.
I know i am being naive with that.
And of course my childs needs come before mine, but i do have a 4 year old who is seeing mommy upset, etc, so it is affecting him as well.
my hubby is supportive and understanding.
You all make very good points, thank you so much for replying.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#8 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 08:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
I just dont want my son to see me being torn to shreds by their lawyer, this is already so emotionally hard on him that I really dont want to add anything to it.... i do have a 4 year old who is seeing mommy upset, etc, so it is affecting him as well.
Mine might be a minority opinion here on MDC, but I think you should lie a little here.

Please don't overead my last sentence; I believe lies are rarely useful within relationships (including parental relationships) and that healthy kids can normally be positively affected by seeing parental emotions. I've cried in front of my daughter when our cat died; I have been mad both in front of her (when someone bashed my parked car and didn't leave a note) and at her (no yelling, no shaming, but fairly expressed anger).

But sounds like your kids - esp son - are already suffering. And kids shouldn't ever think they are to "blame" for mommy's stress (beyond, say, a short-term "mommy's mad at having to clean my crayon marks off the walls). Your son shouldn't ever feel that his honestly telling you he's unhappy should be causing both his parents to be stressed. And even if you've never told your son why you're upset, he may well be guessing he's the cause.

So if you can't hide your stress from your kids, may I gently suggest you make up a lie? Work stress, a non-fatal [gotta be clear about that with kids - your son already "lost" you once] illness, something? Don't know if your ex will agree, but you might also try a pact with him that you will both truly keep the custody battle, and your individual upsets with it, away from your son.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#9 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 08:47 PM
 
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Fight for your son. Even if you lose, he needs to see you try.
Yep, this. Fight for him. How would you feel if he became suicidal. He needs you to fight for him, he's begging you to. The courts WILL listen to him.

s
Good luck.
Lisa

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#10 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:00 PM
 
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I understand you are incredibly stressed. Please take this as gently as possible.

You moved overseas when he was on 9 years old. In essence moving out of his life (a phone relationship and some time in the summer is distant and abstract to a child)

He is BEGGING you to rescue him from an emotionally abusive situation.

Yet you seem more worried about your 4yr old seeing you stressed?

Is there further baggage of some sort here? He is your baby too (all be it a very large and tall one now I recon ) He deserves a mom who will go to the edges of the earth to keep him safe and protected. Why are you considering NOT doing so?

Wishing you wisdom and peace in your decision.

-Angela
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#11 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:20 PM
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And the fact he will still have to go over there, even if on weekends, so the problem will still be there.
I don't think it's the same thing at all if he visits or not. It's where he considers to be home that matters. Apparently he views your house as safe, not his dad's.

May I (gently) inquire as to why you don't want him living with you? I think you're kind of side stepping the issue and there's more to the stress involved than you're letting on in your post. (Or maybe even to yourself?) How do you think life would be more stressful with him at your house? Perhaps you want uninterrupted bonding time with your new baby? Or maybe he has been in trouble before and has some bad "habits" (lying, or temper tantrums, or whathaveyou)? I'm totally not trying to be mean here or think bad of you OR your son. Please don't get me wrong. But reading between the lines I think you're worried about more stress than just the custody issue. Is that true or am I way off base?
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#12 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:25 PM
 
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The only choice that I see here is taking this to court. Your son sounds miserable. He is being emotionally abused at his dads. There really doesn't seem to be any other option to me.

I agree with everything that Alegna said.
I think your 4 year old will be fine. Personally I would be much more worried about my 15 year old and his emotional well-being then I would about my 4 year old seeing me stressed out.

I don't want to sound harsh (obviously I don't know the whole story.) but it sort of seems like you are making excuses for yourself.

Please fight for your son. Show him that you love him and support him even if it is a hassle and is disrupting your life. He only has one mom and he needs you right now. I can guarantee that the reasons you've stated for not wanting to go to court will not be understood by your son. All he will hear is that you don't want him and he's too much trouble.

I hope everything works out for you both.
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#13 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all replies.
I love MDC.

There really is no issue with my teen, I love him.
I want him with me, of course I do!
I guess I didnt want to say this on here, because I feel like r.ra terrible mother for downplaying my childs emotional issues, but sometimes he can use guilt to manipulate to get his way.
He does tend to throw tantrums(not in a kicking and screaming way but in a teenagerish sort of way)when he doesnt get his way in the slightest bit..like a friend not staying the night or a rule he doesnt like, then he will dramatize the situation like OH I AM SO TIRED I JUST CANNOT take out the trash tonight, UGH my limbs are falling off!, etc. so sometimes I feel as if he is over dramatising the situation to move in here. I am a more lenient parent,his father is more strict. Not that I let him do terrible things, but I give him more responsibility here than he gets there, and he likes it. I let him ride his bike to town, and his father thinks it is very dangerous and would never let him do that..stuff like that. So I feel like he would rather be here not for me, but more for his freedome. I know that doesnt matter, really, he does still want to be here. I know he will still have to visit his father. I am also afraid if I lose, then his hope will be gone about moving in here, and he will run away from his dads. He has told me he would do that.

Sorry if my posts are rambling and incoherant. thanks for listening mamas.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#14 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:45 PM
 
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Look at it from his point of view- his mother abandoned him for 2+ years. Told him the only way he could live with or even SEE his mom with any regularity was to move to not only a new city, but a new COUNTRY.

Even if he has NO good reason, doesn't he deserve to have the opportunity to live with his mom if he wishes?

-Angela
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#15 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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You had reasons to leave the country that for you were very good I'm sure.
But I think it would be next to impossible that your son got off without any abandonment issues.
Don't add to that by not fighting for him. You only have a few years left really before he is an adult. While I don't know how your court system works, where I live by around the age of 12, the child has a very big say in their situation.

Find ways to self-nurture yourself during this time.

All the best to you,
Melanie
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#16 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies.
The law in georgia is that 14 year old can voice their opinions to the judge about where they live,but it must be proven it is the childs best interest to live with that person.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#17 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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Look at it from his point of view- his mother abandoned him for 2+ years. Told him the only way he could live with or even SEE his mom with any regularity was to move to not only a new city, but a new COUNTRY.

Even if he has NO good reason, doesn't he deserve to have the opportunity to live with his mom if he wishes?

-Angela
I COMPLETELY agree that she should fight this battle, but I think unless the dad is abusing his son or something, the current custody order won't be changed. In most states you have to show a significant change of circumstances, basically meaning child is being abused or custodial parent's in jail or something, for a custody order to change. Although maybe this child is old enough and OP's state lenient enough for his choice to matter. Hope so!

ETA: I cross-posted with OP. Sounds like you know the applicable law, OP. Even if you lose the fight, I think it's really, really, really important for your son to see you try.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#18 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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Look at it from his point of view- his mother abandoned him for 2+ years. Told him the only way he could live with or even SEE his mom with any regularity was to move to not only a new city, but a new COUNTRY.

Even if he has NO good reason, doesn't he deserve to have the opportunity to live with his mom if he wishes?
:

You've abandoned your son once, don't do it again. Fight for your kid. Unless you don't want a relationship with him once he's grown, because I imagine that if you fail him at this juncture, your relationship will never be the same and might even end.

Look at it from your son's perspective, his mom whose is the one woman who is supposed to love him the most in the world left the country and he stayed behind. I'm sure you had great reasons, but to a young kid you still abandoned him. And now when he is begging for your help, you once again turn away? Please please please please PLEASE let your son know you love him enough to fight for him. I don't mean to be harsh, but I feel horribly for your son.
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#19 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 10:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I COMPLETELY agree that she should fight this battle, but I think unless the dad is abusing his son or something, the current custody order won't be changed. In most states you have to show a significant change of circumstances, basically meaning child is being abused or custodial parent's in jail or something, for a custody order to change. Although maybe this child is old enough and OP's state lenient enough for his choice to matter. Hope so!
Youre right, but actually according to lexis nexis, in the state of GA, a child aged 14 or older wishing to move is considered in itself a substantial change of circumstance.

I had to do months of research before filing.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#20 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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actually according to lexis nexis, in the state of GA, a child aged 14 or older wishing to move is considered in itself a substantial change of circumstance.
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then wow, your son could have his voice heard AND he could see a concrete result from speaking up for what he wants! FAN-friggin'-TASTIC!

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#21 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 10:51 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that I don't think you sound like a bad mom. Sorry if my other post came off that way. I reread it and thought it could've been a bit harsh.

I think that there is a very big difference between how a child sees things and how an adult sees things. I admit that I haven't been in your son's shoes but I do have some abandonment issues with both of my parents. My mom more so than my dad. I think that my mom's biggest mistake was not being able to see things from a teenagers perspective. She was caught up in daily life and what was more practical. Practical means squat to a teenager in distress.

I think that this could be a turning point for your son in so many ways and not doing this for him, no matter the outcome, could forever damage your relationship. I think that the best thing you could do for him right now is just let him see that you will fight for him. Even if he is exaggerating the situation, his teenage mind isn't. He feels these things passionately and right now they are consuming him. He cries all the time and he is begging you, it's serious. This whole thing needs to be treated very seriously, for his sake.

It will be years before he is going to be able to see things from a more adult/mature perspective so right now all you can do is show him that his feelings are important to you.

I really felt so hurt and unimportant to my mom when she brushed off my feelings when we were going through our stuff. What I really needed was to be heard and understood and validated. I think that your son needs this too. I also threatened to run away. What I wanted was to be heard.

He's only 15. That age is so hard. He needs this badly. Even if you lose, he needs to know that you tried. It WILL make a huge difference to him to have you going to bat for him. The next three years are going to fly by and then he'll be old enough to leave permanently if he wants to. I took off the minute I could. I didn't look back and it took years before I started working on my relationship with my mom. You don't want to miss his early adult life.
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#22 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 11:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for that post, it made me cry.
I have abadonment issues, my mom abandoned me. Permantly though, I didnt know where she was for 6 years.

I am going to carry on with this, I called my son and told him and he was so happy.

I may be on here many, many times to vent though. Thank you mamas.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#23 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 11:21 PM
 
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Best of luck!

-Angela
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#24 of 29 Old 01-19-2009, 11:54 PM
 
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Oh, great news. I think you will be so happy with your decision in the long run! Best of luck you and your family! I am sure this means so much to your son.
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#25 of 29 Old 01-20-2009, 10:53 AM
 
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We will be here for you during this process!
Good luck to you and your son!
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#26 of 29 Old 01-23-2009, 12:03 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not reply. I agree wholeheartedly with mamafreya.

(((hugs))))

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#27 of 29 Old 01-23-2009, 12:16 AM
 
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:

You've abandoned your son once, don't do it again. Fight for your kid.
:

Let your ex know that you won't make him pay support if that will help your case. I can't imagine what that poor kid must feel like after his mother leaves for another country at the tender age of 9. He's just a kid, and deserves to be put on the top of his mother's list above and beyond all other priorities, IMO.

My heart goes out to him.

-Kolleen
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#28 of 29 Old 01-23-2009, 09:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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FWIW, I did tell my ex that. I tried to talk to him(he will not talk to me, so kinda hard to talk about something to someone who wont talk) but I wrote him a letter and asked him that. I have tried in a nice way to do this, believe me.

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#29 of 29 Old 01-23-2009, 11:56 AM
 
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I don't think you'd need a lawyer if your son clearly says that he wants to live with you,that he is being treated badly by his stepmother and so on?
I don't know.
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