I shouldn't care that my x boyfriend has a new gf... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 01-20-2009, 10:24 PM
 
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I think your feelings are completely natural & I think you need to go through them (in a safe way) to get over them. Definitely try not to act on your feelings in the ways you have been.
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#32 of 41 Old 01-20-2009, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Mata.

I'm feeling much better about things now and I feel I can see things more clearly now as well. I want to be healthy so that's what I'm going to work on in the next few days.

Thanks for all the support and good advice. I feel stronger and healthier all ready.
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#33 of 41 Old 01-25-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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Hi! I have removed several posts that were in violation of the UA. Please realize that further User Agreement violations may result in the thread's permanent removal or closure. In an effort to keep the thread accessible, please be cautious when you post and PM me or co-Mod with any questions or concerns.

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#34 of 41 Old 01-25-2009, 04:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by missmich View Post
I've been trying to expand my circle of friends for awhile. I'm a little shy,but have sorta starting to open up a little more and there have been chances to meet new people.
I'm shy, too (and I have trust issues on top of that).

It *is* so hard, isn't it? Therapy does help once you find a therapist who's a good match.

I find sometimes fun adult ed classes can really be helpful, too. You are socializing and meeting new people who share a similar interest, but it's not pressured or *in your face*, bc you are focused on learning to do something new that you like rather than socializing with ppl directly. Our rec center has them, and so does a lot of our local community colleges. There's all sorts of stuff from yoga to dancing to pottery to cooking classes. They are reasonably priced. I also can't say enough good things about our local YMCA.

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#35 of 41 Old 01-25-2009, 06:12 PM
 
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I would suggest looking into a provider who specializes in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) especially for the issues of abandonment and letting go. I do not think you are a bad person.
There is a book "Don't Let Emotions Ruin your Life" and a chapter on relationships that I think might help you. The book is a workbook focused on self-insight.

The question I want to know more about is what did this ex bf do for you? What is it you miss about him after 7 years?

I think it's a catch 22-we probably all wonder about ex's and their new partners "what has he/she got that I haven't got?"

I've seen this a lot with some friends and online. (been a longtime since I was single, but when I was-the popular pasttime of ripping up an ex-flames new love interest was quite common and it made the rejected parnter feel better about themself. Sometimes there's a competitiveness, like showing up at a party with your new love interest when you know the ex will be there.

I dunno. I'm rambling. but I think you would be wise to explore it with a counselor. I think you are using your wise mind to see that name-calling and devaluaing this woman is not something you see as a desirable trait in yourself and that it is inconsistent with how you usually behave. Something about this ex is really sticking under your skin and you see this as not nice and a really strong dislike for this woman. I think you have really strong unresolved issues about this guy somehow and any connection is better than none. (if it doesn't fit-that's ok, just my hunch.) You seem like this hurts you so bad.


There is one ex of my dh's that I just can not see what the attraction was. She had done some pretty crazy stuff to us...like crashing our wedding and starting rumors that she had his baby when we lived in another state entirely. but when I thought about it, my dh had not handled their breakup optimally. It didn't stop until she found a new love interest.

How is it going with distancing yourself from them on facebook?

I hope you can find some peace.
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#36 of 41 Old 01-26-2009, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Labbemama what you wrote really made a lot of sense to me and fit well. I'll look into the DBT when I do find someone.

I think when I was with this guy,before me he was with his mom and then his first girlfriend and then his mom and then me again. So he had never really been on his own. He was so used to being told what to do and had his choices made for him. I tried really hard when I was with him to "retrain" him I guess and let him know that he could and should make his own choices about things.

I felt taken care of when we were together. That's something that I really need in my life. When we broke up it was so fast and with no warning,I mean we never had fights or anything so it was a shock to me one night. He went back to his former gf not to long after me and that hurt mostly b/c I thought he had realized when he was with me that he was worth more then the way she treated him you know.

Before he got back with her though,about a month after he broke up with me I called him one night after a couple of drinks. I said I still loved him and he didn't understand why. He said that it had been a month and that I should be over him by now. Well I wasn't and sometimes it takes people longer to get over someone.

The "break up" with his sister hurt me even more! We had become close friends and I would babysit her son all the time,we'd talk on the phone all the time each day and we would hang out. Then all of a sudden she can't be my friend at all anymore. So I lost my bf,my best friend,his parents and this little boy I'd gotten so close to. Since I don't have my own family it all hurt much more then it would have if I did have my own family that I was close to I think.

I've been feeling stronger over the past few days about things. For a couple days I thought about all the things I could put on my facebook "status" about him that would be mean or silly and would embarrass him,but I don't want to sink to that level. Besides I hate when people have arguements with others with their facebook status! It's quite immature and stupid. It was a little fun to think about it though

I looked through my old photos and planned to get rid of all the ones I had of him,but I didn't find any. I guess I got rid of them a long time ago. So that's good.
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#37 of 41 Old 01-26-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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im sorry that you are struggling with your emotions about this. sounds like you still need to deal with some feelings revolving around this x of yours.
Especially after 7 years

I think you should just not look at his facebook anymore and probably even just delete it.
I think its pretty normal to feel rejected about it but maybe thats all it is.
And youre going to be just fine. It really doesnt seem like its the other woman youre insecure about. You sound comfortable in your own skin to me and just wanted to vent.
And even though being the ugly old girl probably isnt always hearts and rainbows i hope you feel better about this soon.

also if you want to put up a picture of you and one of the ugly old gf so we can make a poll about it that would be fine with me i actually would encourage it.
lol?
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#38 of 41 Old 01-26-2009, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A poll could be fun,but my thread would probably be taken down again....and not put back up. lol I don't know if anyone one would say she is ugly,but she is "old" and that's a fact,well if you consider 60 "old" that is. lol

I really am feeling much better over the past few days. Actually laughing right now b/c my new roommate is in her room singing. lol um....she sounds nice At least she sounds happy and I'm sure she'll stop when it's time for bed.
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#39 of 41 Old 01-26-2009, 11:46 PM
 
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I think your feelings are completely natural & I think you need to go through them (in a safe way) to get over them. Definitely try not to act on your feelings in the ways you have been.
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#40 of 41 Old 01-27-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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You know, I think it always makes things worse when we are rejected. I was with my ex for only a year and was madly in love with him... But he was a complete d*ck who dumped me for another woman. At the time, he also kicked me out of our apartment right when I had been let go from what I had believed (at first) to be a dream job. This was right after I had helped him put together a resume and find a job after he had been fired.

Believe it or not, it took me years to get over that guy. I kept adding and removing him on MySpace. He'd email me. I'd email him back. Then I'd stop, bc I felt it was not cool to my BF (now husband).

The kind of women he goes after are larger women. I was on meds when we were together so I was at my biggest (50 pounds more than I normally am). While I have nothing against bigger girls (many are quite attractive) this used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore. Everyone has different types.

Last I heard from the guy (about 3 years ago), he still had huge commitment issues with relationships and was also hugely in denial about it (he literally flipped out when I suggested he may be happier going poly or having open-relationships).

Then I realized what was the point of even contacting him? While part of me has fond memories of our time together, it just wasn't worth going back there again as he'd never really change and we didn't really have a future together... But it sure took me long enough to get to that point...

For a while, I felt really embarrassed and guilty...but the more friends I talked to (who were honest) the more I realized it happens to both men and women more than they'd like to admit.

Not just with exes, either, but even sometimes ex-friends. We can get hung up on rejection or even get stuck on a time we had fun with someone—and then we want to seek these ppl out either out of curiosity or bc we are lonely and miss them.

But you know what? It's pretty human. As long we are self-aware and/or it doesn't escalate into harassing them or consuming us, it's okay.

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#41 of 41 Old 01-27-2009, 10:36 PM
 
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Missmuch,
I hear you saying that you miss his family a lot
especially his sister.

What traits did his family esp. his sister have that you would like to have in your relationships with new ppl? I think if you focus on developing those positive traits in yourself and looking for them in other ppl you know and meet, your feelings for him will pass. You will attract ppl who are good for you rather than possibly people pass you by because they see you are so focused on your ex and his current gf.

I think it is wise to notice patterns in our thoughts. We all have memories and living in the past or future too much signals that we are not in the now. Take notice of the thoughts but pull back to the present when you can.

I have an ex who was always very kind and protective of me during a rough time in my life and his mom was the kind of mom I'd always wanted. I can understand missing his family and wanting to be a part of a family like that. If I start having dreams of protective ex- I know I'm feeling vulnerable. Thoughts of him mean I want someone to rescure me and I am perfectly capable of rescuing myself. ;-)

If I think of another ex, it's more competitive, career goals that I am focused on...long story but my grandma and his mom were always comparing us and we have very similiar competitive type interests. Hearing about him makes me evaluate my accomplishments by kneejerk reaction.

I have another ex who was just sooo romantic. If I start thinking of him, I'm working too hard. You get the idea

We probably all have had an ex we pined for for various lengths of time. How does anybody snap out of it? Most ppl I think turn towards a new love interest and whether that is healthy or not I think depends upon what we learned from the last relationship.
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