How to let go when it comes to other people - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 07:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
Raene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,992
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a bad habit of being frustrated by all of the interventions that other pregnant women want. Not the interventions, but the women are bothering me.

How do I let go of that and not speak out? I seem to upset mothers a lot on this board in other forums (I bite my tongue in person, but have a hard time doing so online).

I realize it's not my place to make decisions for other people but it's so hard when they are doing things that aren't beneficial and are harmful to their babies. Arg....

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
Raene is offline  
#2 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 07:20 PM
 
TzippityDoulah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: DC area
Posts: 3,731
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I understand what you are saying totally. it's hard to keep your mouth shut when you see something that's clearly a bad idea in your eyes.

but in real life we must understand the fact that WE are not the mother of everyone. every single person has a mother (and father or guardian in some cases) which is the one to decide those things for them - good or bad. as we cannot control other people. we don't have that right. when we try to control other people with our good intentions it's just as bad as people trying to control our choices with their good intentions (ie: forcing unnecessary hospital procedures in "babies best interest" on us etc)

well meaning only goes so far. after a point it's not our place, no matter how hard it is to deal with. (of course this line can be blurry in some severe areas... but you know what I mean)

lastly (but most importantly) I find it's most successful to live what you believe. People learn best from what we do, more than what we say. if we believe it and live it, sometimes that is enough to show them a better way.

transtichel.gifMom of three - (2.5 yrs, 7yrs, and 11yrs). Birthing Doula, editor, and wife to my soulmate. I've had a c/s, hospital VBAC, UC and not yet decided what I'll do about this next little one

TzippityDoulah is offline  
#3 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 07:30 PM
 
mellowyellowmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just think...those people are thinking the same thing about you and I!

I was just having this conversation not 5 minutes ago with a friend. How frustrating it is to me how ignorant women are about birth! However, I humble myself and remember it isn't my place to judge, for if I knew what I know now for my last births, they could have been different.

We are all on a journey called life and we have to try (hard as it may be) to remember that other people/women are on their own journey. We are all meant to grow differently. That includes me as well. I hope that others can remember that about me when I do something they see as 'wrong'.
mellowyellowmama is offline  
#4 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 07:35 PM
 
Captain_Crunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: East Millcreek,UT
Posts: 279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I had to learn the hard way to only post what I would be comfortable saying to someone's face.. I think we tend to forget that there are real human beings on the other side of the computer, with real feelings.

Ohh, I hope that didn't sound accusatory, it is really what I have to remind myself sometimes when I get fired-up and want to post.

Mama to 01/2008 and anxiously awaiting due July 2011
Captain_Crunch is offline  
#5 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 08:31 PM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Moving this to Personal Growth, since it is less about birth andmore about, well, personal growth.
Arwyn is offline  
#6 of 17 Old 01-23-2009, 11:21 PM
 
maliceinwonderland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and mind your own business. Or next thing you know karma will be knocking at your door and you'll be in the hospital for an emergency c-section.

HTH
maliceinwonderland is offline  
#7 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 12:35 AM
 
mellowyellowmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by maliceinwonderland View Post
Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and mind your own business. Or next thing you know karma will be knocking at your door and you'll be in the hospital for an emergency c-section.

HTH
ahhhh yes...staying humble! my c-sections and having a hard time breastfeeding humbled me or i'd be one of those very judgmental moms that i so do not like! lol. it is good to have humbling experiences (hopefully we learn from them) so that we accept others better.
mellowyellowmama is offline  
#8 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 12:35 AM
 
Jilian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,342
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In my experience the majority of people make the best decisions they can based on the information they have. Just because they choose something different than you would have chosen does not mean their choice is wrong, it is just what works best for their family. Often times life experience shape their decisions, and until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes you are not in a place to tell them what they should or should not do. Just as you may not like someone telling you what you should do others don't want to be told that their choices are wrong. Live and let live, KWIM?

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
Jilian is offline  
#9 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 12:39 AM
 
elspethshimon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 1,023
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Why don't you direct some of your manifesting magic in their direction so that they can have the birth you think they should have?
elspethshimon is offline  
#10 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 01:15 AM
 
Jilian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,342
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In your blog linked in your homepage you say "do not judge, its not our place as humans to do so" Good advice IMO. HTH!

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
Jilian is offline  
#11 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 05:34 AM
 
railyuh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Posts: 334
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian View Post
In my experience the majority of people make the best decisions they can based on the information they have. Just because they choose something different than you would have chosen does not mean their choice is wrong, it is just what works best for their family. Often times life experience shape their decisions, and until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes you are not in a place to tell them what they should or should not do. Just as you may not like someone telling you what you should do others don't want to be told that their choices are wrong. Live and let live, KWIM?
Exactly. Sometimes it is easy to look at the choices another person makes and think, "Well, that was really not the best thing for them or their baby." But you have to remember that you may not know their whole story. There are all kinds of circumstances that can change a person's decision about prenatal care, birth, etc.

Sometimes it's hard to understand if you haven't walked in that person's shoes.
railyuh is offline  
#12 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 07:41 AM
 
ursusarctos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,498
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by HennyPenny View Post

lastly (but most importantly) I find it's most successful to live what you believe. People learn best from what we do, more than what we say. if we believe it and live it, sometimes that is enough to show them a better way.
This is so true.
I also have a lot of difficulty keeping quiet (minding my own business...) when I see people doing things that I consider to be clearly detrimental. And even if I don't say anything, I am often judging in my mind. I find it helps to remember that every mother loves her child more than anything and is sincerely doing her very best to make the best decisions that she can for the child's welfare. That's why it's such a sensitive subject and people might get offended and defensive when they hear that they might have been making unhealthy decisions for their children all along. So yeah, I try to live what I believe as well and to never bring up my opinions on childbearing/rearing unless specifically asked. Hopefully people will see by your example that your style of living is good - and being calm, accepting, well-informed and non-judgmental is a much better advertisement for your lifestyle than getting on a soapbox about how wrong others' choices are.
At least this is what I tell myself. It's easier said than done

Me treehugger.gif and DH caffix.gif and sweet baby DD heartbeat.gif born 08/2011.

ursusarctos is offline  
#13 of 17 Old 01-24-2009, 12:27 PM
 
Seedlings's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Life experiences and just getting older help in being non-judgemental. Being and good listener and asking genuine/non- judgemental questions help in understanding someone.

For me my close family and friends keep me in check. I have a large circle who I love, respect, learn from and want in my life. So when asked for advice by my "circle" I really try to think about them and give advice that I believe will work for them. To me it is more important to get them on the right track than just stating my "core beliefs". I am way more open to getting in there and doing the work with them rather than preaching.

Even thinking about simple thoughts such as "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" can help. It is a reminder of why one should not be judgemental and be more understanding.
Seedlings is offline  
#14 of 17 Old 01-25-2009, 02:19 AM
 
NCOwifey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 39
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I believe that most of the time, when we find ourselves judging others or being bothered by their decisions, it has less to do with believing that the other person is wrong, and a lot more to do with worrying that our own position might be wrong. We all want to be right and feel like we are making the right decisions, and seeing someone do the opposite of what we would do naturally causes us to become insecure. It's a good feeling to have everyone around you doing exactly what you're doing, because it provides that sense of validation. However, we become stronger, more confident people when we learn to accept others' differences while owning our own decisions.
NCOwifey is offline  
#15 of 17 Old 01-26-2009, 01:49 AM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I stopped going to those boards and started coming here. Babycenter was the worst. Women were announcing their birthdates, when they were 4 weeks pregnant. They really were irritating me. One time, I mentioned I was not going to vaccinate. Honestly, I did vaccinate the other children, then as the recommendations over vaccinations changed, I started to look closer and closer at not just the vaccinations that are being "required" but also the diseases they prevent. I did extensive research. I also find it odd that every single vaccination invented by a wealthy pharmaceutical for-profit company becomes law within a year...for babies and such to get. Anyway, I could go on and on. But, I was accused of not caring about my baby and that my baby would endanger their baby and so on. None of these adults have even gotten all the vaccinations for themselves that they are having their own children injected with. A couple women made the remarks that they will do all they can to protect their children, therefore, they will vaccinate. uugghh. It was so judgemental and rude and none of them had to respond to my post as it was title "For those who do not plan to vaccinate." So why did a bunch of people who planned to vaccinate read it and then respond to tell me how terrible I am.

These are women who all pretty much plan to be induced a couple weeks ahead of time. They all want weekly sonograms. They get worked up if they go a couple weeks without. One woman, one time, did an unassisted childbirth and her baby died. Her baby did not die from anything where the baby would have been saved at the hospital. It was something where the baby would have died anyway. Instead, people roasted her saying she killed her baby by giving birth at home. That was not a recent birthclub, it was an older one. But those people drive me nuts. Oh, one lady wanted to know if it would really work to poke holes in the condom. Her partner so badly did not want a baby that he was wearing condoms and she wanted to poke holes in them!
Lisa1970 is offline  
#16 of 17 Old 01-26-2009, 07:31 AM
 
ursusarctos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,498
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post
I stopped going to those boards and started coming here. Babycenter was the worst. Women were announcing their birthdates, when they were 4 weeks pregnant. They really were irritating me. One time, I mentioned I was not going to vaccinate. Honestly, I did vaccinate the other children, then as the recommendations over vaccinations changed, I started to look closer and closer at not just the vaccinations that are being "required" but also the diseases they prevent. I did extensive research. I also find it odd that every single vaccination invented by a wealthy pharmaceutical for-profit company becomes law within a year...for babies and such to get. Anyway, I could go on and on. But, I was accused of not caring about my baby and that my baby would endanger their baby and so on. None of these adults have even gotten all the vaccinations for themselves that they are having their own children injected with. A couple women made the remarks that they will do all they can to protect their children, therefore, they will vaccinate. uugghh. It was so judgemental and rude and none of them had to respond to my post as it was title "For those who do not plan to vaccinate." So why did a bunch of people who planned to vaccinate read it and then respond to tell me how terrible I am.

These are women who all pretty much plan to be induced a couple weeks ahead of time. They all want weekly sonograms. They get worked up if they go a couple weeks without. One woman, one time, did an unassisted childbirth and her baby died. Her baby did not die from anything where the baby would have been saved at the hospital. It was something where the baby would have died anyway. Instead, people roasted her saying she killed her baby by giving birth at home. That was not a recent birthclub, it was an older one. But those people drive me nuts. Oh, one lady wanted to know if it would really work to poke holes in the condom. Her partner so badly did not want a baby that he was wearing condoms and she wanted to poke holes in them!
OMG I hear you!!! I come here too. I think MDC is a refuge for a lot of lonely, sensible (read: questioning the mainstream) people. All I can say is, avoid that kind of contact if you want to keep your peace of mind (though it sounds like you already figured that out...) Even bringing up childrearing/bearing practices slightly outside of the "norm" is pretty much like banging your head against a wall that you could have just walked around Sigh...

Me treehugger.gif and DH caffix.gif and sweet baby DD heartbeat.gif born 08/2011.

ursusarctos is offline  
#17 of 17 Old 01-28-2009, 05:59 PM
 
yogal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: mamaste
Posts: 164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes people act different on the internet i agree.
so...i dont know what more to say except that using the internet like that isnt really productive is it?
yogal is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off