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#121 of 416 Old 03-19-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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I wish my mother had shown the courage you have for your son. I wish she had believed me. She didn't and continued to put me in harms way. I spent most of my childhood in fear, confusion and silence. My trust in her was destroyed.

Your son will know that you trusted him. You wont ever regret that. You are an amazing mother! Keep your focus on your child and you. Ignore anyone here or in real life who would criticize your choices. I can't even imagine how hard this is and I am so sorry that you and your son are going through this. Take care of yourself, you are doing a wonderful job taking care of your son.
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#122 of 416 Old 03-19-2009, 12:47 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this... here's my story..

http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...071&highlight=

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#123 of 416 Old 03-19-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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Mysticmomma, I am so sorry. I am so proud of how you handle everything. Much healing to your daughter (you and your family).

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#124 of 416 Old 03-19-2009, 09:24 PM
 
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My heart breaks for everyone who's shared their stories on this thread, but thank you so much. I have learned so much about how to handle things properly if, God forbid, I find myself in a situation where one of my kids tells me something or I have suspicions.

I know it's probably cold comfort, but at least you are educating others.

Thank you thank you thank you.

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#125 of 416 Old 03-19-2009, 11:27 PM
 
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Mysticmama, I just read your thread and am in tears for you and your sweet girl. I noticed that you haven't updated in a while, and hope you are all well.

Thank you mamas for sharing such painful stories. Doing what you needed to do to protect your children took an amount of grace and composure that I hope to never need.

Tomorrow I am getting a copy of Protecting the Gift.
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#126 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 02:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you mysticmama for sharing your story. Im so sorry your daughter and you and your family went / are going through that. Has there been any conclusion regarding the case against your neighbor? reading your story made me feel less alone.

Today was such a good day. Tonite was such a bad nite. My son had a complete breakdown at the grocery store and completely out of character totally physically attacked me in the car - kicking clawing pulling my hair saying he was going to stab me furious furious furious. I got home as fast as possible and went into the backyard to the safest place I could think of - ds little playhouse and just sat there and calmed myself as much as possible. Then I said "I am so mad right now & little guy started to walk away & then I said I'm so mad right now and I am not mad at you - and he sure walked back and came over for a hug and we just sat there and talked about how safe we felt right there and just played and talked.

But he is so manic - he won't go to sleep he's sucking his thumb and fingers - something he never did even as a baby, he's asking to nurse (he hasn't nursed in at least 1.5 years). He's told me more of this horrid stuff in the last 2 days - stuff that can really leave NO doubt -

So now I'm MAD I'm so so ANGRY my face is a permafrownscowl I'm cold and Shaking and I wish I felt like destroying something but I'm so sick so beyond that Anyone MUCH LESS *%$)@*& DAD could do that to my amazing precious beautiful good little tiny kid - any child what is wrong with people???

I feel like a heel always here with my problems and memememe but i feel so utterly alone and devistated and tired and sad and shattered for my little boy that he has all this in his mind and heart and little body and to deal with

Tonite I'm MAD at my inlaws I don't want to see them to talk to them because I'm so MAD I feel like confronting them and I'm so SICK&FURIOUS I don't want to have any compassion or sympathy for them. I just want to scream at them LOOK WHAT YOUR SON DID TO MY CHILD.

Thankfully I don't have to go to work til Monday and I can be with my son. Goddess help me I need strength and patience and the right way to listen and the right way to talk so my ds can feel good again.
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#127 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 04:33 AM
 
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Thank you mysticmama for sharing your story. Im so sorry your daughter and you and your family went / are going through that. Has there been any conclusion regarding the case against your neighbor? reading your story made me feel less alone.

Today was such a good day. Tonite was such a bad nite. My son had a complete breakdown at the grocery store and completely out of character totally physically attacked me in the car - kicking clawing pulling my hair saying he was going to stab me furious furious furious. I got home as fast as possible and went into the backyard to the safest place I could think of - ds little playhouse and just sat there and calmed myself as much as possible. Then I said "I am so mad right now & little guy started to walk away & then I said I'm so mad right now and I am not mad at you - and he sure walked back and came over for a hug and we just sat there and talked about how safe we felt right there and just played and talked.

But he is so manic - he won't go to sleep he's sucking his thumb and fingers - something he never did even as a baby, he's asking to nurse (he hasn't nursed in at least 1.5 years). He's told me more of this horrid stuff in the last 2 days - stuff that can really leave NO doubt -

So now I'm MAD I'm so so ANGRY my face is a permafrownscowl I'm cold and Shaking and I wish I felt like destroying something but I'm so sick so beyond that Anyone MUCH LESS *%$)@*& DAD could do that to my amazing precious beautiful good little tiny kid - any child what is wrong with people???

I feel like a heel always here with my problems and memememe but i feel so utterly alone and devistated and tired and sad and shattered for my little boy that he has all this in his mind and heart and little body and to deal with

Tonite I'm MAD at my inlaws I don't want to see them to talk to them because I'm so MAD I feel like confronting them and I'm so SICK&FURIOUS I don't want to have any compassion or sympathy for them. I just want to scream at them LOOK WHAT YOUR SON DID TO MY CHILD.

Thankfully I don't have to go to work til Monday and I can be with my son. Goddess help me I need strength and patience and the right way to listen and the right way to talk so my ds can feel good again.
First of all I just want to echo what others have said , about how brave you are and how amazingly swift you acted and how other people may have swept this under the rug but you took action. You are so powerful and a wonderful mother.

I can't imaging the sort of emotions that you are feeling the need to process right now. I would feel the same way. Don't feel like a heel for feeling angry and overwhelmed and devastated, because you are also a victim .It's so important as mothers to find somewhere to vent our anger and speak our mind so that when it comes time for us as mothers to be there for our LOs we can go at it as clear headed as possible. So of course you need to talk about you and the way you are feeling, ANYONE that was human would feel these things.

I am just so sorry but also just so proud of you for saving your son from a lifetime of abuse.This tragedy will not play out for years because you prevented it from playing out for years and took action. And your son WILL heal from this and so will you . Talk and vent whenever you need to .

My son wanted these smilies here
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#128 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 07:24 AM
 
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First of all I just want to echo what others have said , about how brave you are and how amazingly swift you acted and how other people may have swept this under the rug but you took action. You are so powerful and a wonderful mother.

I can't imaging the sort of emotions that you are feeling the need to process right now. I would feel the same way. Don't feel like a heel for feeling angry and overwhelmed and devastated, because you are also a victim .It's so important as mothers to find somewhere to vent our anger and speak our mind so that when it comes time for us as mothers to be there for our LOs we can go at it as clear headed as possible. So of course you need to talk about you and the way you are feeling, ANYONE that was human would feel these things.

I am just so sorry but also just so proud of you for saving your son from a lifetime of abuse.This tragedy will not play out for years because you prevented it from playing out for years and took action. And your son WILL heal from this and so will you . Talk and vent whenever you need to .
If I may...: This subject is so upsetting to me I could never express it as well as larksongs did. Thanks, larksongs.
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#129 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 09:29 AM
 
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First of all I just want to echo what others have said , about how brave you are and how amazingly swift you acted and how other people may have swept this under the rug but you took action. You are so powerful and a wonderful mother.

I can't imaging the sort of emotions that you are feeling the need to process right now. I would feel the same way. Don't feel like a heel for feeling angry and overwhelmed and devastated, because you are also a victim .It's so important as mothers to find somewhere to vent our anger and speak our mind so that when it comes time for us as mothers to be there for our LOs we can go at it as clear headed as possible. So of course you need to talk about you and the way you are feeling, ANYONE that was human would feel these things.

I am just so sorry but also just so proud of you for saving your son from a lifetime of abuse.This tragedy will not play out for years because you prevented it from playing out for years and took action. And your son WILL heal from this and so will you . Talk and vent whenever you need to .
: I couldn't say it any better, so i won't even try. just please listen to this advice. you are so strong and amazing and you will both heal. it sounds like your support system IRL is pretty weak. Please come here as much as you want to vent.
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#130 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 12:15 PM
 
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I also agree with larksongs.

I am just so sorry, tgrlily. I think everything you are feeling is absolutely appropriate and you need to get it out, please don't feel bad for that. My heart goes out to you and really you and your son are in my thoughts everyday. I am so grateful your son has you, you are the best mama he could have. I hope my support (and the support of everyone here) helps a little.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#131 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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My heart breaks for everyone who's shared their stories on this thread, but thank you so much. I have learned so much about how to handle things properly if, God forbid, I find myself in a situation where one of my kids tells me something or I have suspicions.

I know it's probably cold comfort, but at least you are educating others.

Thank you thank you thank you.
yeah that
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#132 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 12:33 PM
 
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First of all I just want to echo what others have said , about how brave you are and how amazingly swift you acted and how other people may have swept this under the rug but you took action. You are so powerful and a wonderful mother.

I can't imaging the sort of emotions that you are feeling the need to process right now. I would feel the same way. Don't feel like a heel for feeling angry and overwhelmed and devastated, because you are also a victim .It's so important as mothers to find somewhere to vent our anger and speak our mind so that when it comes time for us as mothers to be there for our LOs we can go at it as clear headed as possible. So of course you need to talk about you and the way you are feeling, ANYONE that was human would feel these things.

I am just so sorry but also just so proud of you for saving your son from a lifetime of abuse.This tragedy will not play out for years because you prevented it from playing out for years and took action. And your son WILL heal from this and so will you . Talk and vent whenever you need to .
I totally agree with all of this.
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#133 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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Of course you are mad! Be mad! You are living through every parents nighmare, you have a right to all your emotions, they are all understandable.

You are a great mom. You are protecting your son. All your feelings are valid and useful, even if they don't seem like it right now.

Your son is able to lash out at you because he trusts you. He knows that he can show you his fury because you will accept it, you will accept him. You make him feel safe.

I can only imagine how hard it is that this is your partner, on top of everything else. The horror of having your child abused by the person you are supposed to be able to trust the most just makes me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry that not only has your life been upended, but your emotions have been torn to bits in so many ways.

So go ahead and be sad and be angry, you and your son, both. I hope that it helps you to begin healing as soon this all is resolved.

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#134 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 05:34 PM
 
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Ijust have to say again-you have acted in the one way that can contain the damage done to your son. Victims of sexual abuse who are believed and protected still suffer the consequenses of their abuse but it is not compounded by the impact of telling and being ignored or disbelieved, and having the abuse continue as it so often does. You did the right thing!
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of course your mad you have every right to be! You are a brave and couragous mama! It sucks that kids act out like you discribed with the ppl they feel safest, its like you get a double does of unfair. I am so so sorry you are dealin with this. You are my hero!

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#135 of 416 Old 03-20-2009, 09:23 PM
 
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tgrlily you have gotten so much wonderful advice here. I just wanted to add my voice to the many supporting you through this. Would you consider checking out your tribe area here on MDC to see if there are any local mamas that could help you with childcare? I know in other situations that has worked out for some MDCers.

Continue to vent, scream, whatever you have to do. I am so so very sorry your family has to go through this.

:

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
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#136 of 416 Old 03-24-2009, 02:26 PM
 
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Thinking of you & your son today tgrlily

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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#137 of 416 Old 03-24-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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Thinking of you & your son today tgrlily
me too

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#138 of 416 Old 03-24-2009, 06:13 PM
 
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Thinking of you & your son today tgrlily
Me too.
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#139 of 416 Old 03-24-2009, 06:48 PM
 
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tgrlilly,



I hope that you are doing well. My heart goes out to you and your son.

I saw this post and realized that you are in New Mexico, I thought I would make some suggestions on daycare.

St. Tim's Montessori in Nob Hill just opened up a new class 2 weeks ago (3-6 year olds). I'm sure they have room. It's a sweet, small Montessori run through St. Tim's Lutheran church, but is a favorite of Nob Hill families.

Tierra Madre Waldorf in the South Valley is also another gentle preschool/daycare.

Inspired Birth (aka Body Mind Spirit) is run by a MDC mom. It's a hub for new families and MDC type child raising. You might contact them for names of sitters. http://www.bodymindandspiritabq.com/

Perhaps post on craigslist and see if there is a nannyshare/nanny split opportunity?

ETA: there are more wonderful preschools in ABQ, but most won't have an opening this semester, perhaps next fall at the earliest.
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#140 of 416 Old 03-24-2009, 07:03 PM
 
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tgrlilly --

I've been following your thread. I'm in tears for you and your sweet boy. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but I wanted to thank you for what you're doing. I can't imagine the courage and the strength that you've had to find to get through this. You are obviously a wonderful mama for your son to feel so safe with you. Thank you for protecting your baby, and for helping him heal, and for making the world a little bit better for my daughter too.
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#141 of 416 Old 03-25-2009, 02:32 PM
 
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I have also been following this thread, and am finally posting. Tgrlilly, You are a strong and brave woman and a fabulous mother. You and your son will get through this even though I know it feels impossible at times. Others have already said it so much better, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your son.
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#142 of 416 Old 03-28-2009, 01:59 AM
 
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That feeling of betrayal, helplessness and loss is unbelievable but you are both going to need to express your emotions. It helps the healing journey and I am so proud of you that your son TALKs and SHAREs with you even as heartbreaking as it is. Hold your head high and be proud that you have done the right thing irregardless of it turning your world upside down. 'God never gives us more than we can handle' . You are your sons Champion and he will never forget that. :
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#143 of 416 Old 03-28-2009, 08:01 AM
 
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you are a fantastic mama, & a very strong person. your little one will never forget what you are doing for him.
if you need anything at all, please let me know. even if you just want someone to send you homemade cookies, i can do that, too! Or a new toy for your amazing son, or something for you, please just let me know if there is anything at all. i am in the uk,so sending you something is as close to giving you a hug as i can ever get.
you are such an amazing mama.
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#144 of 416 Old 03-30-2009, 01:24 PM
 
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Tgrlilly, I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I wanted to write as someone who was abused at the same age as your son. I almost never talk about it (except in therapy, which I no longer attend), but I needed to write when I read your earlier comment expressing worry that:

"your hopes for a better childhood for your children ended"

It is awful being molested by someone you love and trust. But today, 35 years later, I am happily married, have two wonderful children, a normal sex life, have never ever felt the urge to molest anyone else, and live a good, productive life. The abuse is something I'll never forget, but because of the incredible support I got from my parents (my molester was a significantly older brother) and years of therapy off and on in my life, I am OK. And I wanted you to know that because of the support you've given your child, you are providing a good chance at a happy life and a "better childhood."

From a child who was ashamed and afraid that her parents wouldn't believe her, and who was afraid her news would wreak havoc on her family (which of course happened, and is happening with you) I want to THANK YOU for believing your son and for loving him in a way he could never doubt. I'm crying as I type this. And shaking. It's such a hard situation, and I feel for you so deeply. But you can do this. And you can survive this. And with your continued support your son can thrive despite this.

Sending you strength and hugs.
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#145 of 416 Old 04-03-2009, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi All -
Thank you so much for your kind words of support.
We are going along here. I found 2 daycares that have openings (all the recommended ones were full)- they seem so crowded, but well - I have to do the best I can!

We went out of town for a couple of days - it was so nice to leave the house and reality behind...

My son - poor little guy- finally said he missed his dad yesterday and asked when he could come home. Then he was all "it's not true mom, can he come back now" but by this morning he was talking again about how his dad just laughed when he left the room & how he didn't like it. Poor guy - it has to be extremely confusing for him.

I am in therapy and the psychologist is giving me a lot of really great stratigies to help my son when he starts freaking out and it has been good for me to have a neutral person to talk with.

I will be glad when my in-laws leave next week in many ways - it will be good to have my house back, but I am sure it will be a big adjustment for ds to be away from home for so many hours each day/week.

Its been just over a month now since his dad has been out of the house. I am wondering what is going on legally, etc. but we are holding on here and doing ok.

Thank you all for your kind words. It really is nice to read.
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#146 of 416 Old 04-03-2009, 08:53 PM
 
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tgrllilly, I'm glad to see the update. I'm sure this is a very confusion time for your ds. I'm glad you found day care and that that you are receiving counseling. I'm so sorry this happened.

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#147 of 416 Old 04-06-2009, 03:23 PM
 
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Hang in there mama, we're all thinking of you and rooting for you.

dust.gifmama to  ds2/03 ds2/05 dd4/07 and expecting someone new in the spring! chicken3.gif

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#148 of 416 Old 04-06-2009, 03:47 PM
 
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Thank you mysticmama for sharing your story. Im so sorry your daughter and you and your family went / are going through that. Has there been any conclusion regarding the case against your neighbor? reading your story made me feel less alone.

Today was such a good day. Tonite was such a bad nite. My son had a complete breakdown at the grocery store and completely out of character totally physically attacked me in the car - kicking clawing pulling my hair saying he was going to stab me furious furious furious. I got home as fast as possible and went into the backyard to the safest place I could think of - ds little playhouse and just sat there and calmed myself as much as possible. Then I said "I am so mad right now & little guy started to walk away & then I said I'm so mad right now and I am not mad at you - and he sure walked back and came over for a hug and we just sat there and talked about how safe we felt right there and just played and talked.

But he is so manic - he won't go to sleep he's sucking his thumb and fingers - something he never did even as a baby, he's asking to nurse (he hasn't nursed in at least 1.5 years). He's told me more of this horrid stuff in the last 2 days - stuff that can really leave NO doubt -

So now I'm MAD I'm so so ANGRY my face is a permafrownscowl I'm cold and Shaking and I wish I felt like destroying something but I'm so sick so beyond that Anyone MUCH LESS *%$)@*& DAD could do that to my amazing precious beautiful good little tiny kid - any child what is wrong with people???

I feel like a heel always here with my problems and memememe but i feel so utterly alone and devistated and tired and sad and shattered for my little boy that he has all this in his mind and heart and little body and to deal with

Tonite I'm MAD at my inlaws I don't want to see them to talk to them because I'm so MAD I feel like confronting them and I'm so SICK&FURIOUS I don't want to have any compassion or sympathy for them. I just want to scream at them LOOK WHAT YOUR SON DID TO MY CHILD.

Thankfully I don't have to go to work til Monday and I can be with my son. Goddess help me I need strength and patience and the right way to listen and the right way to talk so my ds can feel good again.
I haven't read past this post yet, but I hope you went to the police with the new details. Stuff might still come out and it all needs to be on the police reports so that your ex gets the full punishment for his crimes. My stepfather only got punished for what I told police on the first day, even though I remembered so much more later and was able to talk about it more freely after that initial police report.

s You're an awesome mother.

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#149 of 416 Old 04-06-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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You're doing great mama...stay strong!!! We're supporting you and your DS, you are SUCH a powerful and protective mama, I am so sorry this has happened but I don't think it's possible to have handled it better than you are

Sending you lots of and s

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
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#150 of 416 Old 04-06-2009, 04:19 PM
 
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Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you and your son

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