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#181 of 416 Old 04-18-2009, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all the hugs! im feelin it!
the sun's shining today & I'm feeling ready to face whats next.
hope we all have a good weekend!:
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#182 of 416 Old 04-18-2009, 08:58 PM
 
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Oh mama, how incredibly difficult this must all be. I honestly cannot imagine. You are so strong. s
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#183 of 416 Old 04-18-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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thursday i picked ds up from daycare and he was sitting on the floor with this horrid expression on his face then he ran into my arms sobbing hysterically - we went outside and talked and ds told me the "teacher" had called him a crybaby and that he belonged in the baby room.

I went & talked to the director about it and she was like no that couldn't happen so I asked the guy and he was like no I didn't call him a crybaby I said he was acting like a crybaby. (not a big difference in my book). well my ds was like I never want to go back there again & I support him - I mean if this is how they treat kids on their 2nd day - what about if he really has a bad day. the bummer is ds was kind of stoked about daycare and now he is totally against.

I called the director this morning & she basically defended the employee & said it was all taken care of and the report written and what more did I want - oh yeah and she said that maybe if I didn't coddle my son this wouldn't be such a big deal...so I decided it wasn't a good fit (to say the least - I was pissed)

so now I don't have care come monday morning. ahhh reality.
Dear lord, this just goes from bad to... well, I guess I can't say "worse" because it was already pretty bad.

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. I want to fly out to NM myself and help you take care of your son! He definitely needs some TLC... not some crazy day care provider on a power trip OVER A FOUR YEAR OLD.

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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#184 of 416 Old 04-19-2009, 08:20 PM
 
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Tgrlilly,
I am so sorry that jerk at your daycare was cruel to your son. Who says that to a 4 yr old? And the director defended him? I so wish this could all be easier for you. You've had so many challenges. But you're still up and fighting for your son. You really are an inspiration to me. Hang in there.
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#185 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 02:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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it really does seem to go from worse to worser?
good thing: and I have to be grateful. I am grateful. (even though it will be hard for me ) my mom is coming to stay with us until I can take my maternity leave or so to watch ds.

the super sucky thing is one of my "friends" and her husband I've heard are telling my son's father all this vile stuff like I've been trying for years to get him out of the house and this is how I finally decided to do it and how to fight me for custody etc etc. sad thing is I've been trying to make it work for years!

and it really feels like our friends in this "progressive" community are really siding with my son's father - pretty weird. encouraging folks to have him over for dinner to show support, etc. and I feel like I'm just keeping my head above water over here. it's hard because I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone!

so I made an appointment with a lawyer for next week - it will cost a bunch of $ but at least I will know where I stand legally regarding custody for ds and one on the way; if I can move or not (I finally called the DA's office, but haven't gotten any info yet), etc.

Not that I regret it, but I can see why some don't report - other than knowing I'm doing the right thing to protect my kids (which is huge) the rest of it is sheer hell!! but it is so beside the point - I mean this stuff would come out eventually and then it would still be horrendous so this is just the nature of this sickness, I guess.

I hate being upset when I am supposed to be there and be strong for ds and forget about a calm prenatal experience! Thank heavens for my therapist - I don't know what I would do without that hour/week to get rid of some of this.

ds seems to be doing pretty well overall and is still talking about his feelings & how he's doing so thats good. I feel guilty - I've been letting him watch considerably more movies/pbs kids than he would ever have before; but dang it gives me some time to R&R.

Wish me luck with my mom and keep us in your thoughts and prayers - it sure dosen't seem to be getting any easier. and please pray/light your candles/knock on wood that custody isn't some crazy nightmare and that we can move, etc. that something goes our way! we need a little relief.
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#186 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 04:44 AM
 
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I just read this whole thread, and what I can say is that you are the most wonderful mom to have acted to swiftly and strongly in the protection of your child!

Many people would have vacilated fearing the baclash (which these horrible "friends " are working on) but you did it! Stay strong, good luck with the legal advice and try to surround yourself with people who love you. At least now you know who your friends are. Those vipers are not peope you want near your family anyway.
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#187 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 06:20 AM
 
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I just read your whole thread.

I wish i could make the icon 10 feet tall! You are the parent i never had!

I was abused by an older brother for 7 years. My abuser told me throughout childhood (i was 5 when it began) that my mum knew and said he could do it. I never felt sure enough that this was a lie to have the guts to tell her. When i did finally tell her (aged 18) she told the whole family how my poor brother had been abused (which he had, these things don't come out of nowhere) by a teacher and forgt to mention what he'd done to me. It made everything very difficult. She is dead now, so i cannot ask her why i was the family sacrificial lamb whose suffering was irrelvant while the whole family rallied around my brother.

Anyway i wanted to say, WRT the "friends" who are caring for your ex - absers are BRILLIANT at making people like them. They are sophisticated social manipulators and very good at the "poor me's". Stay strong wonderful mama. I have faced those who sympathised massively with my brother and accused me of making up my abuse to get attention (even though i began talking about m abuse before he began talking about his). I'm afraid i replied very graphically that unfortunately them thinking he was a really great guy couldn't erase the memories of being raped when i was five years old. It shut them up. Public opinion cannot make the abuse un-happen. Whatever they think you know the truth and you acted on it. You are brave and strong even if you don't feel it.

Much love
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#188 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for your reply and support. I really need it today. It really really sucks feeling so betrayed - by my partner and by our friends and community. I can't afford to get depressed right now - there is too much to do; but I feel it coming on - my temper is so short, the smallest things feel overwhelming.

I'm so sorry that happend to you GoBecGo - and I will do my best to honor those of you that wern't believed. make this sorrow some kind of living meditation? is that crazy..it just came to me.

please all keep me in your thoughts and prayers for strength and patience and to be able to let all the horrible stuff just go & not let it fester in me
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#189 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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I'm sorry anyone is trying to make it harder for you. You are a wonderful mother and I wish I had a mother or any adult in my life like you when I was a child (I'm also a sexual abuse survivor).
I think about you, your son and the little one you're growing often and I'm always sending you positive vibes.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#190 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 07:19 PM
 
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I just read this thread through 189 and I am absolutely in awe of you, mama!!! Your babies are so lucky to have you, a real mama, who stands up for her kids, no matter how difficult. Your UA ex and his parents' creepy actions -- ugh, I can't believe what you have been through.

And through it all, you have done what it takes to do the right thing by your children. I"m going to bet that once you have this toxic situation out of your life that you are just going to blossom. It's not always easier and better to be married. There are times when it is SO much better to be single.

Good to know that your friends in the progressive community side with your ex. That makes it so much easier for you to clear your schedule for the wonderful new people who are coming into your life now.

:
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#191 of 416 Old 04-25-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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I just saw this for the first time...read the whole thread.

People who sexually abuse young children depend on the ability to groom adults as much as they groom the kids they abuse. Clearly, your son's dad is still busy trying to keep the adults around him groomed. As long as he can maintain that, his world stays in tact. In fact, who knows, perhaps he can abuse another child again in the future.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your son, and very sorry that your community has been sucked in and groomed so well by this man who in a nightmare version of reality did the things he did to your precious, sweet child.

You have done the right thing. Stay strong, and we'll all be thinking of you and pulling for you here.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#192 of 416 Old 04-26-2009, 12:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all, thank you lavendermae for your many supportive posts.
i lost my temper so many times with ds today trying to get the stupid house cleaned and because I am so upset about all of this and of course he is dealing with this too in his own way as well.

I feel so bad - like all week im not with him & miss him then when im home im too busy to just play with him and be with him like he needs, too tired, too stressed, at the end of my rope, letting this stuff get to me in a bad way- at least today...

I just have to get it together & keep it together so my son will not have a totally bad childhood and so that I can be the mom I want to be.

Thank you so much Treasuremapper of a vision for me to cling to of a brighter future.

what a low day today was. i hope tomorrow is much better.
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#193 of 416 Old 04-26-2009, 12:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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LavenderMae, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to live through abuse too. I'm so sorry.
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#194 of 416 Old 04-26-2009, 08:30 AM
 
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I don't have anything to add, I just want to send you and your son super, duper gentle hugs and much love, its not an easy time for you two and I guess you could do with some gentleness not to mention a break!
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#195 of 416 Old 04-26-2009, 08:59 AM
 
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what a low day today was. i hope tomorrow is much better.
No matter how low today seemed, it was better than any of the days he was being abused. You're doing an incredible job.

I'm so sorry about those adults who aren't standing by you. What a shame. I hope you'll be able to go live near your family (I think you were hoping to do that, if I'm getting this confused, just ignore that).
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#196 of 416 Old 04-26-2009, 11:43 AM
 
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You are going to have bad days unfortunately (even in the best of times we all do) but please be kind to yourself. What you are going through is so so hard. I truly thing your son is going to have a happy childhood and be able to heal and that is because you are his mom.

Thank you , your kind words mean a lot. And what you are doing for your son touches I think all of us who wished for a mom like you in a very profound way.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#197 of 416 Old 04-28-2009, 02:00 AM
 
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Mama, mama!

I just read through this whole thread and I am completely in awe of you-- you are amazing and your son is so lucky to have you! I am SO GLAD that your mom is coming and that hopefully you can move near your family. Hopefully it will be some sort of relief for you, after all you both have been through!

Your "friends" are just plain stupid, and like a pp said, I wouldn't doubt that they are putting their own children in danger by allowing your DH into their lives. It is amazing how some people prefer DENIAL to PEACE. Why????

Many, many vibes of love and peace to you and your son, and blessings for your pregnancy!

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#198 of 416 Old 04-28-2009, 05:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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it is so good to have my mom here. I got home from work and my son was sleeping! (I know he feels safe for him to rest). it was really great - he was so happy when he woke up and tonite. I am so grateful to my mom for coming here. It feels like she is rescuing us.

I spoke with the social worker today - said I'd heard throught the grapevine that ex was thinking of fighting me for custody. he said not to worry, there was no way that would happen, that he was facing serious charges, that the cyfd had determined the abuse allegation "substatiated" and that he would be more than happy to testify in any custody hearing, submit reports, etc. it is still hard for me to think of ex in trouble with the law, facing prison, but I was very relieved about the custody part.


I found out today that ds told some parents in our "community" about his abuse (after his dad was removed from home) they said ds told them that his dad rubbed his penis on his face and that he didn't like it - but because he didn't sound afraid or shamed they didn't take it seriously or whatever...that they are just trying to stay neutral and objective...I have to admit I replied with a pretty raw email - I don't want to burn bridges, but I did ask my god what would it take? and I did suggest some education on child abuse...

let it go..I've got to just let it go! what you all are saying about abusers & people in denial really makes sense to me - feels like the truth. after saturday I really realized (now to enact!) that letting these folks get to me will only negatively impact my son, myself & baby...

More good news - DA's office said I was free to move as long as I keep in touch and resolve any custody matters so that is very good news too. Now I just have to figure out the house and a job & I'm back in business!

thank you for all the hugs & positive support. It really means a lot! I just feel like you all are really at our side helping me to have courage on this roller coaster ride.
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#199 of 416 Old 04-28-2009, 11:04 AM
 
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I am so glad your mom is there and that you can move out of the state (much needed good news). Many more healing vibes to you and your son. Things will just keep on getting better!!!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#200 of 416 Old 04-28-2009, 02:39 PM
 
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tgrlilly-You are such an amazing woman and mother! I'm so glad your mom is with you and you can move away.

I've wanted to ask you a question, but I don't know if it's overstepping. Please excuse me if it's something you don't want to answer.

Now that you can look back, were there any warning signs from you partner? I can't imagine my DH ever doing this, but I'm sure you felt the same way. I thought it might help someone else if you had any insights.
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#201 of 416 Old 04-28-2009, 11:33 PM
 
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So glad to hear the great update! Hoping things will fall into place for a quick, easy move & transition for both of you.

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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#202 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 04:40 AM
 
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wow! i just sat and read through this whole thread and i am so sorry for what you are dealing with. it must be very hard for you, but i am glad you have your mom's support and your son will always love you for protecting him. my mom didn't protect me and i've still not gotten over it.....

it really is frightening to hear about the responses that others gave your son when he told them what happened. despite all the news coverage that child abuse gets now, people are still way too passive about it, in my opinion. i am convinced that this has happened to a lot more people than others might think. maybe if people talked about these topics honestly, we could get some real understanding from one another.

anyway, i'm glad things are looking up for you and your son! best wishes!

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#203 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:00 PM
 
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it is so good to have my mom here. I got home from work and my son was sleeping! (I know he feels safe for him to rest). it was really great - he was so happy when he woke up and tonite. I am so grateful to my mom for coming here. It feels like she is rescuing us.

I spoke with the social worker today - said I'd heard throught the grapevine that ex was thinking of fighting me for custody. he said not to worry, there was no way that would happen, that he was facing serious charges, that the cyfd had determined the abuse allegation "substatiated" and that he would be more than happy to testify in any custody hearing, submit reports, etc. it is still hard for me to think of ex in trouble with the law, facing prison, but I was very relieved about the custody part.


I found out today that ds told some parents in our "community" about his abuse (after his dad was removed from home) they said ds told them that his dad rubbed his penis on his face and that he didn't like it - but because he didn't sound afraid or shamed they didn't take it seriously or whatever...that they are just trying to stay neutral and objective...I have to admit I replied with a pretty raw email - I don't want to burn bridges, but I did ask my god what would it take? and I did suggest some education on child abuse...

let it go..I've got to just let it go! what you all are saying about abusers & people in denial really makes sense to me - feels like the truth. after saturday I really realized (now to enact!) that letting these folks get to me will only negatively impact my son, myself & baby...

More good news - DA's office said I was free to move as long as I keep in touch and resolve any custody matters so that is very good news too. Now I just have to figure out the house and a job & I'm back in business!

thank you for all the hugs & positive support. It really means a lot! I just feel like you all are really at our side helping me to have courage on this roller coaster ride.
If the allegation has been substantiated, then I'd say to heck with any disbelievers. It's not your job to defend yourself against them, your job is to protect your son and you are doing an excellent job of that despite everyone being against you and your son.

It's not like you fabricated these stories. Your son came to you, you turned to authorities to help you verify your child's story and protect him if they were true. Stay strong in the knowledge that you did what was right. Absolutely no question on that.

Sending many good vibes your way to keep you uplifted.

Mama of 3 girls: 7.5 , 6 , and 4.5
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#204 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Muttmom92: it is a good question, believe me some nites I'm laying there awake and I think back or these flashes come to me...

1. Yes, my ex partner has good qualities - I am not trying to say that - what follows are the negatives. look im still defending the guy.:

2. He could really be a jerk sometimes - controlling - about a lot of things like the phone or whatever, grabbing at my body - no real intimacy with me in the last few years - just agressive sexual stuff - which totally turned me off (and then I would blame myself for lack of intimacy). I don't know if kept staying / trying to make the relationship work because I didn't think I deserved better or what, but I do regret not leaving when I knew I wasn't happy.

3. My son went from being ok with me going to work to crying and clinging to me when I left in the morning.

4. When my son was 2 or 3 - shortly after I went back to work ds told me his dad put his finger in his butt. I talked with ex partner about it - he was like no...and I thought well - maybe when his dad was wiping him or something. (stupid stupid stupid)

5. My ex thought it was a reasonable job for a 4 year old to be responsible to pick up the dog poo in the yard and would make ds to to do it regardless of what I would say. - but it shows what I've learned now is the inablility to see age appropriateness.

6. In the last year or 6 months or so ex started saying my son was LYING and would say it pretty often. For instance I was laying in bed and asked ds to see if it had snowed in the nite ds was like yeah mom it snowed! well it turned out it didn't and ex said he was Lying - which is rediculous - we were wishful thinking.

7. Ds started this really bizarre thing a couple of months before ds told me of the abuse where he would rub his booty on my leg in kind of a weird sexual way when he was frustrated or didn't have my attention. I talked with him like where did you learn this, but nothing - again stupid stupid stupid - I thought maybe he picked it up at school or something? a month or so ago he told me his dad taught him to do it & to keep doing it, don't stop! SICK SICK SICK. now that his dad is gone he has stopped.

8. about a month or two before ds told me he started sucking and biting on his fingers when he had never done it before.

9. every so often I would get home from work and the door would be locked even though they were home inside and I would get a weird feeling - but would just tell myself not to be paranoid, not trusting, etc.

10. there were times I wished for a "nanny-cam" in the house - again that was my intuition telling me something.

11. ex partner wouldn't stop when he was told to stop. like if he & I would be playing rough or if he & ds were wrestling/tickling/playing rough. he would never listen to our words and stop until a past when we said to stop.

12. many times ex would show little resect for my privacy or ds property (like his toys) but was very strict about his privacy/property.


Writing this out has been hard. If I'd had the guts to leave sooner or to not tolerate bs against myself or ds I could have prevented this stuff better/sooner. But I didn't.

If you all have relationships where you can talk openly about issues it seems like it would be helpful to have a plan in place in advance - should one of your children come to either of you. That way it would be clear how to proceed and maybe your "communities" wouldn't be able to judge you for no contact, calling the authorities, etc. because it was pre-agreed upon? again I sound so stupid - these are the things a reasonable parent has to do to protect...aaaaah!

I don't know if that is helpful - hope it is. sorry if its too much information!
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#205 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=Miss Information;13674700]If the allegation has been substantiated, then I'd say to heck with any disbelievers. It's not your job to defend yourself against them, your job is to protect your son

Thank you!!
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#206 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:29 PM
 
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I have been keeping up with your post tgrlilly and sending lots and lots of good vibes your way. You are a strong and brave mom.
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#207 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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Thank you for writing out the list. On your list, nothing except the rubbing his bottom on you (and only when he told you his dad did it-- and that was VERY recently) stands out. And without him saying his dad taught him, I could see that he might have discovered it on his own and it felt good. The finger-- it (well, not really, but one might think your DS wasn't explaining it right-- ) could have happened while wiping.

In other words, in hindsight, when everything is all written out and we know the truth, of course it's easy to see. But in reality, it wasn't. Even your intuition, the "gift" was strong-- but again, it is NORMAL to second guess it. Don't call yourself stupid-- you are not stupid at all. As soon as your DS gave you info that was a confirmation, you immediately acted on it. Look at all the people who your DS TOLD and did not act on it? That even now, are protecting a predator???

For so many reasons, I am so, so, so happy that you and your son are free now. You deserve so much peace and happiness!

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#208 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you.
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#209 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 01:49 PM
 
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couldn't read and not post again, just to say, yay mama!!!! it may be hard but what you have done is RIGHT and CORRECT and STRONG.

i wish all littles had mamas like you that would protect them like you have.

hugs!! i'm hoping your move goes well too

eh. who needs a signature?
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#210 of 416 Old 04-29-2009, 02:21 PM
 
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it can easily seem like you missed a lot when you list everything, but it's hard to look at all those things collectively until you have something that directly shows it to you that way. a few things here and there over some years can be hard to connect up. don't feel bad about the past mama. be happy you made the right choice for you and your son. and take comfort in listing these things, b/c they show you made the right decision!

s momsling.GIF - JW asl.gif writing geek.gif wifey to j aaman.gif  (11/03) and cd.gif  homeschool.gif  knit.gif sewmachine.gif read.gif mommy to s dreads.gif (10/04), l kewl.gif (8/08), j diaper.gif (8/09), and little s boc.gif (12/12)

 

 

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