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#241 of 416 Old 05-07-2009, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh Cherry Alive - and all the other brave ladies who have shared their experiences here - I am so sorry. how people (especially parents) do these horrid things to kids again and again is so unfair and unfathomable.

You know I do believe my ds - he says he is safe at home now - to me that is big. The ladies at his little preschool said that he seems much less angry now - so desipte their unbelief or objectivity they can see him getting better before their eyes. Ds and I were talking and I told my him: well I'm your mom and I have to protect you and he just kissed my arm like a bunch of times - so I have to know I've done the right thing - no matter the hardships along the way.

The lawyer says as long as I have custody and with the baby on the way the court should understand me moving - the DA said it was ok/ same for CPS and sherrif's dept.

I was feeling unsure about custody etc. but a supportive friend here gave me a pep talk and reminded me of things I had confided in her when this first started and really helped me to regain my strength to do what I have to do.

Magically yesterday and the day before some of my community remembered us! and sent over food and veggies and bars - it felt good.

My mom is being so great - our house is feeling like a home again.

Thank you all again for your support, I need it!
(I have 2 PM's to return & will do so as soon as I get a chance - thank you!)

Yesterday was a good day & I hope today is too! :
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#242 of 416 Old 05-07-2009, 12:46 PM
 
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The good days are going to keep on coming for you and your son. When ever I read your post or think about you (which is often) I just feel so much pride and love towards you. I think you are so strong and a really great mother and you are both against such odds. You really rock and I hope you know it.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#243 of 416 Old 05-07-2009, 07:05 PM
 
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#244 of 416 Old 05-10-2009, 02:13 PM
 
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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

You are an awesome mother and I hope you have a great Mother's Day!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#245 of 416 Old 05-11-2009, 11:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks LavendarMae for all your really nice posts.
I hope you had a good day too -
we just hung out at home, played some legos - overall pretty nice day.

Hope this is a good week!
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#246 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 10:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all - just a quick update -
I filed for custody and then got permission to talk with ex about it - he said that he would fight tooth and nail unless we came up with an agreement together. I am going to try to work with him, but have been quite clear about the terms I insist on - ILS put up $100,000 for his criminal lawyer and hired a private investagor on me so my mom's $5,000 she gave me for a familiy lawyer feels kind of small right now.

This is really unbelievable - but I cant worry too much - what are they going to find out? I work all the time then go straight home to parent, I get grumpy in the evenings when I'm overly tired? Read chick -lit now instead of gardening tomes? Talk about crossing boundaries though, this is pretty intense. MIL has SIL email me about how she is worried I won't stay in touch with them and how sad they are that they might not be in the new baby's life! rich!!

Baby will be coming soon - its so hard to think of moving (ds and I really love our home/yard) but so hard to think of staying!! My midwife said to give myself to the end of the month to decide - then decide where to have the baby - so I guess I have a couple more days! of couse custody thing has to get worked out too.... sigh.

the only thing easy about this is knowing my son is being protected.
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#247 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 10:57 AM
 
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Hang in there mama. It still sounds like things are looking up. It may be hard, but you have all of us rooting for you!

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#248 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 11:28 AM
 
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It's so unbelievable that he hired a private investigator. I hope your lawyer knows just how to counter the things his lawyer says.

Really, I can't see how he could get custody.

Keep on keeping on, Mama. I am really in awe of you and all the mountains you've climbed. Your protection of your son is inspiring and admirable and THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!!!!!!!! You're so strong to go through all this.

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#249 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 07:51 PM
 
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He hired a private investigator that is just insanity.
I do not see how or why he should ever be allowed around any child much less one he abused.


I wish you so much clarity and peace as you move on to this next part of your life. I think about you and your son very often still and I am always wishing you both the very best.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#250 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 09:08 PM
 
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Just wanted to say that you are doing a great job, keep it up! I'm glad your mom is staying with you and your little one, it sounds like she is making a positive difference.

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#251 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 09:23 PM
 
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I don't think you should come up with an agreement! He sexually abused his child and he wants an agreement??? He needs to be in Prison and shouldn't have any contact at all with his son.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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#252 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 09:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I don't think you should come up with an agreement! He sexually abused his child and he wants an agreement??? He needs to be in Prison and shouldn't have any contact at all with his son.
Agreed. Also, it's obvious his IL's are defending him, so personally I would have no contact whatsoever with ANY of his relatives or friends.

I'm so sorry you and your sweet son have to go through this.

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#253 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 10:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I don't think you should come up with an agreement! He sexually abused his child and he wants an agreement??? He needs to be in Prison and shouldn't have any contact at all with his son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Genesis View Post
Agreed. Also, it's obvious his IL's are defending him, so personally I would have no contact whatsoever with ANY of his relatives or friends.

I'm so sorry you and your sweet son have to go through this.
I absolutely agree!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#254 of 416 Old 05-18-2009, 10:40 PM
 
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Thanks for the update mama, can you contact YWCA and get some help through them?? It's worth a try?

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
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#255 of 416 Old 05-19-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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Agreed. Also, it's obvious his IL's are defending him, so personally I would have no contact whatsoever with ANY of his relatives or friends.

I'm so sorry you and your sweet son have to go through this.
it does seem a little odd to me that your il's are defending him but asking to see the baby at the same time?!? so, uh apparently they think your son was lying and really just needs to spend time with his dad?

that's freakin' insane.

i would for sure not say anything to anyone on his side of the family until you have your issues worked out legally.

if you like those folks and feel they're ok then fine, but i'd be concerned that they are contacting you NOW and by E-MAIL (which i think is admissible in court) trying to get you to agree to let them see the baby.

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I don't think you should come up with an agreement! He sexually abused his child and he wants an agreement??? He needs to be in Prison and shouldn't have any contact at all with his son.
yep. i'm pretty sure there is no "working out an agreement".

the bottom line, is that i've heard lots of horror stories about mamas consenting to things in mediation because they thought it would show they were trying to work it out, and they got SCREWED because the judge said, "well, you AGREED to let him see the kids, you can't back out of it now. he get's partial custody for ......"

PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL!!!

remember that you have the law on your side!! you have experts that are capable of testifying that your son is not safe alone with this man. experts within the system, which i'm sure is always valued.

PLEASE DON'T GIVE AN INCH on the custody issue. you have it hand's down don't feel like you need to work anything out because you don't.

eh. who needs a signature?
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#256 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 04:00 AM
 
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Hey tgrlilly, just came to see if there's an update and read that your X WANTS TO SHARE CUSTODY!!!

Oh lordy. That is such insanity. How can a pedophile get any kind of custody of the child he abused?????????? That does not make any sense.

Have you heard from the DA's office? Are they going to proceed with a trial against your ex?

I think in your shoes I would quite simply not respond to any attempts the ILs make to contact you. It sounds like they are in deep denial about what their son did to their grandson.

Mama, you are in our thoughts and you blow us away with your strength!! Hugs to you and your son.
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#257 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 05:11 AM
 
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Just a warning, don't let ANY new men near you while this stuff is going on. Do not give his investigator anything to report except that you are Saint TigrLily. I know you are thinking I am crazy, but I have heard too many women on MDC jumping into a new relationship because they are lonely or need help and then it hurts them with judges (who hold us to a higher standard than men).

Just a theory here, but did he ever date other women with young kids? These guys don't usually suddenly start this. He may have done it before and if you could find someone it would bolster your custody case and help out the prosecutor on the criminal case. Also, less likely for prosecutor to let him plead it out to some pathetically small sentence.

Oh, and I would cut all contact with the inlaws. You can't let your ds see them cause they would try to confuse him and you don't want them to build a relationship with new baby and then go for grandparent rights. The fact that they are supporting a molestor makes them unlikely to win a judge over unless YOU give them anything that makes a judge think you trust them.

Don't give one inch to any of them. I would not even send a picture of the baby. Let this all play out with the courts and the CYFD folks, who seem to be doing a good job so far.

I just want to say I really admire you. So much grace under such horrific circumstances.
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#258 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 10:15 AM
 
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Just a warning, don't let ANY new men near you while this stuff is going on. Do not give his investigator anything to report except that you are Saint TigrLily. I know you are thinking I am crazy, but I have heard too many women on MDC jumping into a new relationship because they are lonely or need help and then it hurts them with judges (who hold us to a higher standard than men).

Just a theory here, but did he ever date other women with young kids? These guys don't usually suddenly start this. He may have done it before and if you could find someone it would bolster your custody case and help out the prosecutor on the criminal case. Also, less likely for prosecutor to let him plead it out to some pathetically small sentence.

Oh, and I would cut all contact with the inlaws. You can't let your ds see them cause they would try to confuse him and you don't want them to build a relationship with new baby and then go for grandparent rights. The fact that they are supporting a molestor makes them unlikely to win a judge over unless YOU give them anything that makes a judge think you trust them.

Don't give one inch to any of them. I would not even send a picture of the baby. Let this all play out with the courts and the CYFD folks, who seem to be doing a good job so far.

I just want to say I really admire you. So much grace under such horrific circumstances.
All of this!!

Unbelieavable!! I can't believe this 'man' actually thinks he should be allowed to even SEE his son. And his parents sound like they are in deep denial. None of them are going to make this easy for you. Stay strong, as you have been. Don't let the threats get to you. Private investigator?? PFT!! They can throw around their money all they want. Don't let them intimidate you. Be very careful about who you talk to. I can't imagine how much more stress can come from this..... it really is unfair. But you are handling this situation with such strength and grace - though I'm sure you must be terrified and exhausted. Big to you and your DS.

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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#259 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 10:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh - great advise. As for handling it with grace, I don't know - I'm doing my best, but I do have my days...

I have to agree with all of you - when trying to talk with ex about some agreement almost everything feels all wrong, like everything I say could be used against my son in a court of law...

and anything he agrees to verbally when I put it on paper he backs away from. I do have the law on my side, and CPS and I need to protect my kids now - especially if he does get off on the criminal charges.

You all saw the list I posted - even if by some stretch the abuse isnt true - I'm never going back to him and he needs to get some help before he can have visitation with his kids.

thanks for the advise about not finding a man - well taken - but i gotta tell ya - i am pretty off men right now!! (wayyyy off)

I really have to find the strength to just be "mean" (read: strong, determined, committed to protecting my children) and just have him served and be prepared for whatever comes my way. It seems like I can deal with this now...or deal with it later when I may not have as ready support from the law, CPS, etc.

I know time really does help heal and boy am I looking forward to when a lot of this is something I can look back at and just marvel that I made it through.

You all here on MDC are helping me through.
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#260 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 03:02 PM
 
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I just had a thought... if they have a PI looking for "dirt" on you, I don't know if there's anything in this thread that you wouldn't want them to find, or if that's even possible....

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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#261 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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I just read through this whole thread and wanted to post my support. TgrLily, you are a hero. You are a hero to your son and you are a hero to anyone who has ever been abused. The strength and love you show for your son is amazing.

I am not a big expert on abuse but in my job in the past few months I've talked in depth with some survivors of childhood sexual abuse. One thing they've all told me -- separately, in different words, but they all say this -- is that the abuse was bad, but the worst thing was not being believed when they told about it. Being ignored or called a liar is what haunts them, what plays through their memories over and over, what wakes them up screaming in the middle of the night to this day. YOU SAVED YOUR SON FROM THAT. You, and your bravery and your insistence on doing the right thing no matter how hard it is -- and it is hard. I love your son's comment about maybe it's your turn to get a break from doing the hard, right thing. I sure hope you have some easy times ahead -- you both deserve it!

Whatever happens though, no matter how hard it gets, you did the right thing, your son knows you love him and will fight for him, and things will be so much better in the end because of it.

It sucks that your ex hired a PI, but sounds like there's not much dirt for him to find. Are you definitely moving? Sounds like a good plan. Things are only going to get better and better for you. Sending you love and support.

Becca, mommy to my little pumpkin DS (10/09)
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#262 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 06:08 PM
 
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OP: I only clicked on this thread today, and have mostly skimmed your posts. I really don't even know what to say, except....kudos. You've done something really hard for your son, and a lot of parents don't do it. He's lucky to have you for a mom.

Hang in there. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#263 of 416 Old 05-20-2009, 07:27 PM
 
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Just read every post and couldn't not post. Anything I have to say seems so pointless compared to what you are going through!

The other side of this will be amazing. Sending positive vibes your way!
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#264 of 416 Old 05-21-2009, 05:40 AM
 
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Tigerlily... I've been thinking about you and your little boy and I hope things are starting to get better for you. I know it's been rough for weeks. Thoughts and blessings.
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#265 of 416 Old 05-21-2009, 06:38 AM
 
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I have been thinking of you since reading this thread ages ago, and I hope that things are getting better. I haven't contributed, but I want to step in now.

Do NOT email him or his relatives. Do NOT come an "understanding" with this man. This will all come back to bite you in court. And please, please, PLEASE try to make sure that there are criminal charges leveled against him. You might think that not doing so will be better for your son, but I think that there should be real closure here: not that he'd understand it now, but in the future. Also think of how many single moms there are out there with young sons who would think that your ex was quite a catch, and might not be nearly as wonderful a mama as you are and believe their sons.

But mainly DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING, even email.

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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#266 of 416 Old 05-25-2009, 06:22 AM
 
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I have been thinking of you since reading this thread ages ago, and I hope that things are getting better. I haven't contributed, but I want to step in now.

Do NOT email him or his relatives. Do NOT come an "understanding" with this man. This will all come back to bite you in court. And please, please, PLEASE try to make sure that there are criminal charges leveled against him. You might think that not doing so will be better for your son, but I think that there should be real closure here: not that he'd understand it now, but in the future. Also think of how many single moms there are out there with young sons who would think that your ex was quite a catch, and might not be nearly as wonderful a mama as you are and believe their sons.

But mainly DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING, even email.
:

And I think you should consult with your attorney about whether you should keep this thread up. In the past, I have seen some MDC mamas ask for threads like this to be removed after being advised to do so by their attorneys. Of course, we all want to keep up our support and hear updates, and keep cheering you on, but just get some legal advice to be sure.

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#267 of 416 Old 05-28-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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I could not not reply after finding this thread and reading your families story.

I am so so sorry your family is having to deal with this now, as you are expecting your new baby. You really are a very inspirational mother. Many other mothers here have told you that, and I wanted to add my voice.

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I can only reiterate just how essential the experience of having the abuse acknowledged is. It took me about 25 years to have it acknowledged, and the relief was enormous. In a way, the largest part of the trauma was the turning away and denial by the people I reached out to. That you listened to your son and responded in a way to keep him safe and protected is something that I wish more children who have been abused could experience. I know it must be very hard to feel your family falling apart, but there really is no alternative right now. For the sake of your son.

I was heartened to read that your mother is there to help you and that your son no longer needs to be in that daycare.

I wish you strength as you continue working through this very traumatic time. You are a totally awesome mother. Hugs to all of you

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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#268 of 416 Old 06-01-2009, 05:15 AM
 
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Hey mama,

Is everything ok? You are in our thoughts.
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#269 of 416 Old 06-01-2009, 12:00 PM
 
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I hope everything is just getting better and better for you and your son.

So much love and peace to you both (and the little one you are growing).

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#270 of 416 Old 06-01-2009, 03:01 PM
 
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thinking of you and your children You really are such a strong protective mama, keep up the hard work!

dust.gifmama to  ds2/03 ds2/05 dd4/07 and expecting someone new in the spring! chicken3.gif

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