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#1 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Monday night my son (4 1/2 yo) and I were talking while I made dinner and he told me some very explicit sexual things he said his dad (my partner) did/does to him while I was at work.

How do I deal with this? Of course my partner fliped out and said I don't trust him etc etc but what do I do????

Please help me I am so worried. I want to protect my son, trust my partner, ...

do kids just say things like experimenting - what kinds of sexual things do 4 year olds know about???? help anyone
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#2 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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I don't have much time to answer but I wanted to say the first two things I'd do is find alternate daycare for him for now and get him to a therapist or child psychologist. The therapist can help you and your son with this and decide what to do from there.
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#3 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 01:34 PM
 
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I would listen to your child. If this is happening, the last thing you want is for your son to feel that you didn't listen to him. I would ask your partner to leave, get your son some professional help until this gets resolved. It is better safe then sorry.

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#4 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 01:43 PM
 
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Children that age rarely make stuff up about their bodies. They may story tell about dragons, monsters in the closet and sneaking snacks but generally they don't posses the knowledge to make up sordid tales of sexual abuse.
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#5 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 02:35 PM
 
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I don't think at 4 he would have the knowledge on his own to make up things of a very sexual nature. I wouldn't have expected your partner to admit to molesting your son if he was. I think the only thing you can do is believe your son. I'm so sorry.

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#6 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 02:39 PM
 
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I'll tell my story and maybe it will help you make a decision. My parents divorced when I was 2, but they stayed close friends.

When I was 3, I remember my dad having me touch his penis several times. I went to my mom and told her, not knowing who else to go to.

She got mad at me, said I was making things up, and called my dad. She had him to our house and I remember hiding in the shower b/c I was so embarrassed. They had a talk with me about how I shouldn't lie.

Every time I brought this up, my mom would have my dad over. Same story replayed. She never believed me so of course I gave up talking about it.

I don't think she knows I still remember. I almost wish I didn't. But I did not trust her after that.

Please trust your child. Children usually do not have a reason to lie about such things.
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#7 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 04:06 PM
 
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Please believe your son. 4 year olds don't have knowledge of adult sexual acts. Anything above exploring (with similarly aged children) to me would be highly suspect.

You need to call the police, in the mean time stop questioning your son or they cops won't be able to get a clean report on what happened.

This makes me sick, please believe your son. There is nothing more damaging than crying out for help and not getting believed.

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
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#8 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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I agree with all previous posters. You need to protect your son immediatly. Find a councelor, you can call any local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker, they have extensive lists of usually low cost councelors that deal with sexual abuse. If you have a local Children's Hospital that would be the best place to call.
If nothing really happened the councelor should help find out why your son would say these things.
In the meantime, as other folks have said, you need to make sure he is not left alone with your partner. If it means missing work for a few days or finding a different caregiver. Your first order is to protect your son. Your partner, if innocent , should accept this.Tell him you need to sort this out, If your son tells someone else this could go to CPS ( or whoever your state agency is) and innocent or not this could have lasting implications for both of you. Could your partner stay with someone for a few days? Could you and your son?
get some help, mama..don't wait.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou
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#9 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 08:07 PM
 
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sorry....4.5 year olds don't make stuff up. If he's telling you specific stories of things that have happened, you truly have to believe him.

I was abused at 4.5 and tried to tell my mom, who didn't want to hear it and although it never happened again, her not listening to what I had to say and pretending it didn't happen, hurt me for years (and still does)...

Sarah

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#10 of 416 Old 02-25-2009, 09:14 PM
 
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Please please protect your son.
So sorry mama.
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#11 of 416 Old 02-26-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
This, exactly.

Please, please, please, as hard as it is, never leave your son alone with his dad ever again.

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#12 of 416 Old 02-26-2009, 01:33 AM
 
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I would probably move out (with your son) immediately for starters, and not allow any contact with the father. Then get a professional who can talk to your son. In the interim, don't press him for details. If he talks more, just listen calmly. You don't want to "taint" his story, or make him nervous to talk.

I'm so, so sorry.
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#13 of 416 Old 02-26-2009, 03:36 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your son and for you. This has got to be so very hard. You have gotten great advice from the other posters. I hope you are able to get the help your son needs.

I wanted to add that as a child I was abused by my step-uncle and I told my mother. She told my step-father and he said to never talk about it again. Then my step-father started abusing me. He didn't stop until I took my little brother out of the house and went to the cops when I found out he was going to start the same thing with my brother. It took almost 20 years for me to get over feeling betrayed by my mother. I was able to deal with the abuse much easier than I could deal with what felt to me like a betrayal by my mother.

Its got to be so hard to feel like you can't trust your partner, but please please please put your son first and protect him. If your partner is innocent he will understand.
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#14 of 416 Old 02-26-2009, 11:29 PM
 
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I think that you posted about this because somewhere inside of you, you know that your son may be telling the truth. Get your son away from your partner right now! You need to have your son evaluated asap by a professional who knows how to handle this sort of thing.

If you look the other way now your son will be effected for the rest of his life by this and you will only have yourself to blame. I hope for your son's sake and for your sake as well that nothing has happened but you can not take the chance. This is your precious baby who you love and who looks to you for protection. Don't let him down.

Please take this very seriously. I really think that the way your partner handled the situation is a very big red flag.
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#15 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 09:43 AM
 
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This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Children that age rarely make stuff up about their bodies. They may story tell about dragons, monsters in the closet and sneaking snacks but generally they don't posses the knowledge to make up sordid tales of sexual abuse.
and this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
and this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamafreya View Post
I think that you posted about this because somewhere inside of you, you know that your son may be telling the truth.
Even if this is all some big mixup, wouldn't you rather address it and get on with it, then ignore it and chance that you're ignoring a real issue? :hu for your son.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#16 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
ITA....shouldn't your partner be livid about 'someone' possibly doing this to your son instead of being upset about being accused ?
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#17 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 10:54 AM
 
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A 4 year old can not make these things up. This child is definitely being sexually abused, and you need to protect him. Please call the police right now.


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#18 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 11:25 AM
 
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Wow, after years of never bringing it up again, this is the 3rd time in two short days that I've felt the need to talk about my past history of sexual abuse that started when I was around that age. I was ignored. I wasn't believed. I gave up on trying to tell my family. The sexual abuse from my uncle went on for 8 long years. I didn't tell anyone outside of my family because, well, if my own family didn't believe me, who else would?

Please listen to your child. If your son needs anyone right now, it's his mama. Sweetheart, I can only imagine that this is killing you inside and my heart does break for you, but it breaks even more for your son. I promise you that this is something you WILL get through.. if you ignore what your son is telling you, not only will the abuse possibly escalate, but he will NOT get through it without serious emotional scars. Please take my word on this.

He came to you about this because he trusts you the most. He feels safe with you. This is NOT something that young children make up, especially not about a biological parent. He knows that it's not ok. Please make sure that he continues to know that.

You HAVE to report this.. for no one else, but that child. Call the police now. Please.

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#19 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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Believe your kid!

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#20 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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Please update when you get a chance (I'm sure I'm not the only one worried).

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#21 of 416 Old 02-27-2009, 04:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
Please believe your son. 4 year olds don't have knowledge of adult sexual acts. Anything above exploring (with similarly aged children) to me would be highly suspect.

You need to call the police, in the mean time stop questioning your son or they cops won't be able to get a clean report on what happened.

This makes me sick, please believe your son. There is nothing more damaging than crying out for help and not getting believed.

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by HannahsMomma View Post
ITA....shouldn't your partner be livid about 'someone' possibly doing this to your son instead of being upset about being accused ?
Totally. Your partner's reaction says as much about this situation as your son's comments. I think of how an innocent adult would react if accused of such terrible things, and anger is not quite right. Listen to the wise women here, and take their advice... do the right thing for your son.

Huge hugs mama, I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you.

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

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#22 of 416 Old 02-28-2009, 12:35 AM
 
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I would definitely not leave your child alone with this man. How old is your child? Did he seem at all concerned over what your child said? Or just angry toward your child and you? If he was just angry, I would leave him sooo fast. Since he is the child's father, I would first take him to be evaluated for child abuse. If not, the father will have the legal right to be alone with the child and your child will continue to be abused and not trust you again to tell you when he does it again.
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#23 of 416 Old 02-28-2009, 12:36 AM
 
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I have gone back and read. Now that I can see he is 4 yrs old, I want to encourage you to take your child to the police ASAP. Please..do not subject your child to a lifetime of abuse.
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#24 of 416 Old 02-28-2009, 02:42 AM
 
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What an unhappy difficult situation. Please believe your son and get him help.

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#25 of 416 Old 02-28-2009, 02:56 AM
 
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Please believe him. Take him to the police or the nearest Children's Advocacy Center.
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#26 of 416 Old 03-01-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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I have worked with children particularly preschoolers for over 10 years, kids say wierd things to be sure, and often talk their bodies and others unashedly, however I can think of NO instance where a child has made statements that suggest an adult is being inapproprate with them with out some type of context (ie experiencing, witnessing, or viewing the inappropriate behaviour, ). They just don't have life experiences that would allow them to fabricate such senarios . I beg you to take your son to the hospital and get refered to a professional who is trained to take statements about abuse from young children. I would not ask you son any questions regarding what he has said untill he has been evaluated. If you son brings it up listen intently and respond with neutral comments such uh huh, I see, ok, and write every thing down . Go back and write out the original incident of him telling you be as exact as possible about what each of you said. I would also write out the interaction between your partner and yourself. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get professional help.

I am so so sorry

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#27 of 416 Old 03-02-2009, 01:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much for writing - It's monday morning now - a week later. I took my son to a counselor on Thursday (and took the day off work tues and thurs but did work on wednesday). I am at work now - if I lose my job I wont be able to do anything to protect my son. What he said was that his dad touched/s his face with his penis.


I am still in so much shock - I really don't know to proceede. I have a place i can put my son in for afternoon care, but we have been so much of an "attachment" parenenting family - and I live so far from my family that it is tough to find a place for my son to go all day.

To make matters worse, I am pregnant.

I don't want to call the cops yet, I don't want to ruin his life if it is not true, but I am taking my son to a professional so he can talk about it.

I'm sorry if I am not handling all this just right, but I am doing my best to keep my life intact and to believe and protect my son.

I'm really scared.
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#28 of 416 Old 03-02-2009, 03:10 PM
 
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Hey Mama,

I really want to help you and your ds, but I have no idea how. Perhaps you can find a solution for getting care for him while you are at work. I'm so sorry that you and your precious boy are in this situation.

ETA: I'm really worried about your ds being alone w/ your dh, especially now that your dh knows that ds talked to you. Isn't there anything you can do? Any friends who could watch ds for you? I know you said he's seeing a counselor, but I'm afraid for him. I would imagine that if there had been abuse, the abuser would be doing all in his power to keep it quiet, which could hurt your son more. I know you're frightened and don't know what to do, but please find help.

Colleen
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#29 of 416 Old 03-02-2009, 08:06 PM
 
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Thank you for updating. Again I am so sorry.

Please don't let his dad be alone with him. I am so afraid he will scare him out of telling the truth. You and your son will be in my thoughts.

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#30 of 416 Old 03-02-2009, 08:13 PM
 
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What he said was that his dad touched/s his face with his penis.
PLEASE keep your child away from this man until you can find out the truth.

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