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#1 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've recently been hanging out with a group of parents and whether it's a dinner party, a play date, or just being at the playground, the next morning (usually in the middle of the night) I find myself dissecting everything that I'd said the day before.

I worry that what I said offended someone, I hope that no one took it the wrong way, I wonder if I talked too much or not enough. I hope I didn't come off standoffish to anyone or ignore anyone. I wonder if I came off as a know-it-all. I just worry about everything and then I want to avoid going to the next event.

Um, does anyone else have this kind of anxiety AFTER the fact?

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#2 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 10:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
I've recently been hanging out with a group of parents and whether it's a dinner party, a play date, or just being at the playground, the next morning (usually in the middle of the night) I find myself dissecting everything that I'd said the day before.

I worry that what I said offended someone, I hope that no one took it the wrong way, I wonder if I talked too much or not enough. I hope I didn't come off standoffish to anyone or ignore anyone. I wonder if I came off as a know-it-all. I just worry about everything and then I want to avoid going to the next event.

Um, does anyone else have this kind of anxiety AFTER the fact?
I just had to respond when I read your post...My best friend does this also. We joke about it and call it "social remorse"!!! I think it's totally normal to dissect our behaviors sometimes. I would think it only becomes a problem when it starts impacting your life in a negative way. Losing sleep? Avoiding social situations? Depression? Try not to take yourself too seriously and remember that we are our own worst critics!

me-45, DH-46, ds1-23, ds2-18, dd1-17, dd2-14, dd3-4....hoping for #6.....

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#3 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 10:53 AM
 
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Yes, I do it too. I try not to but it's usually a losing battle. I assume it's just part of the social anxiety thing for me. I also tend to talk too much when I'm nervous which does not help at all. (gotta laugh right..)

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#4 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 01:17 PM
 
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Oh yes! Not only am I very shy, no matter how well a conversation goes I'm always dissecting it after the fact, thinking of other things I could have said or wishing I had said something else. Then of course I have to move on to whether or not s/he really liked me or was just putting up with me. And if we have a REAL discussion about serious issues, I also have to worry about whether or not I came off as either an idiot or overly zealous.

So, in a word, YES!

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#5 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 01:28 PM
 
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Is this a normal thing for you, or is it a recent development? I just ask because I think it sounds like something that could be a symptom of postpartum depression. Many of the symptoms are more like an anxiety disorder than like depression. I had PPD type things going on with my first two kids and I had some similar feelings. I've always been overly analytical, but I'm not usually anxious in social situations. Forgive me if I'm off track, just thought I'd bring it up in case.
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#6 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 03:31 PM
 
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I tend to over analyze stuff when I am in a rough spot, not feeling myself, lack of sleep...etc. I think it can be normal in new relationships to consider what you said.

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#7 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think it's PPD. My youngest is 2.5.

I think it might be b/c I'm in a new community with a new group of people. We don't plan on moving again, so maybe it's the added stress of "I hope these people like me" b/c it'll be a long 30 years otherwise.

I've always had a little social anxiety, but I've never been this bad before. Thanks for all the responses. It's a little comforting to know that there are some people who lie awake thinking about the same stuff.

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#8 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 08:44 PM
 
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I do this at work. I'm very careful about social situations and speaking at work, and so I tend to review what I have said if we've been talking about non-work stuff for awhile. Now and then I regret saying some things and ruminate about it for awhile before moving on. I really try to keep work separate cuz I'm a little weird and don't want my weirdness too known, heh.

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#9 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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Yeah, me. I do this big time. Just yesterday I drove into my garage and my neighbor was standing outside while her dd was riding her bike.

I smiled and said hello and took my bag of groceries into the house. My ds enthusiastically said "Hi, I will ride my bike with you!!"
Neighbor mom said, "No she can't play now we are leaving right away."

So, here's my insanity thinking:
ds must have been a nuisance last time they played together. Now that I think about it, her hello to me wasn't overly friendly. She must be mad at me. What did we do? We used to visit and they haven't invited us over in a long time. we did the last invite. She must dislike my kids. They must have done or said something while I wasn't around. There's mud on their driveway from ds' bike. That's enough to piss them off. Ds is really wild and rumbunctious compared to her kids, she must not want her kids to play with mine. Sometimes 9yodd is a bully, maybe she said something to her dd.

I asked my dh in bed last night "Do you think the neighbors are mad at us?"

His answer "NO."

I am crazy. Really. Is this some kind of disorder that I need help with?
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#10 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 09:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I asked my dh in bed last night "Do you think the neighbors are mad at us?"

His answer "NO."

I am crazy. Really. Is this some kind of disorder that I need help with?
That could be my dh and me! He thinks I overanalyze everything and that I'm super-sensitive. I read into things WAY too much and he doesn't see half the things I do.

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#11 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 09:13 PM
 
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Heh. Yes. I'm a touch Aspie so I always attributed it to that... although come to think of it, DH is a touch Aspie too and thinks my post-mortems of conversations are insane. I usually angst about some combination of:

Did they like me?
Was I pushy?
Did they only agree to X to be polite/do they really want to come/will they enjoy it when they come?/help, they won't/maybe I should invite one of their other friends too to soften the blow/wait, would that be weird?
Did I seem too smug about my baby? (I have a cute baby and everyone always wants to look at her, so I've gotten used to presenting the pram in their direction and looking maternally smug when faced with an acquaintance!)
Did my hair look OK? Did my skin look OK? Were my clothes clean? (Probably not.) Were they flattering? If I haven't seen this person for ages, do I look fatter than before I had the baby? What if they wonder if I'm pregnant again? Do they even know I'm married? Was I wearing my wedding ring? Do I really care?
Did I gabble, talk too much or too fast? (Probably.) Was I too familiar?
Do they think I'm weird?

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#12 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 09:23 PM
 
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When I do not have my bipolar under control, I do that.
It sure sounds like anxiety.
I take meds but maybe you could try some natural methods to deal with it. Some Gaba calm or kava kava. Fish oil maybe. There are a lot of things you could try. Homeopathy etc...
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#13 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 11:00 PM
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Yeah I do that too. What I've found that helps is I remember that people don't usually want to cut me down for every little transgression. Everyone makes mistakes! It usually cuts that internal voice right out.
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#14 of 69 Old 04-30-2009, 11:23 PM
 
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I definitely do this too!

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#15 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 12:29 AM
 
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Yes, I do this. Have for my entire adult life.

Yes, it is anxiety. And it is irrational because 1. nobody is paying *that close* attention to what I am saying, and 2. they wouldn't be hanging out with me if they didn't enjoy my company (I do this even after hanging out with very close friends).

I tell my dh that I enjoy parties in the moment, but then I suffer when they are over He loves me anyway
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#16 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 12:32 AM
 
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Yep. I do it.

I have self-esteem issues, and it's habit for me to second-guess myself in social situations. It sucks because I'm an extrovert.

Jenn - Mom, Photographer, Barista 

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#17 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 02:18 AM
 
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I recently read Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra, and this kind of excessive thinking when one would normally be sleeping is considered in ayurveda to be a physical imbalance. (Aggravated vata, to be specific) I don't know ayurveda much, but you might look into it.

One thing I noticed he recommends is going to be earlier. There is a cycle that the body goes through throughout the day, and the mind is getting sleepier around 9-10:00. After that, there is a period of mental alertness, and it's harder to go to sleep in that period.

He's also big on drinking milk before bed, but since I don't do milk, I haven't tried that one. Taking a warm bath before bed is another suggestion.
hth
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#18 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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Yep, I do it too. I tend to be anxious and over analytical, though. What I usually do is get nervous the next day that I 'said too much' or that I embarassed myself and didn't realize it. Or that I got caught up in the moment and was too...whatever...you get the picture.
I also tend to wonder what I did if others act standoffish-I immediately assume they are angry at me, even if I logically know I didn't do anything that would provoke it.

I like the term social remorse.

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#19 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 10:08 AM
 
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I do it too.

Tanya
Mom to John (age 11), James (age 9) & Katherine (age 5)
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#20 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 04:19 PM
 
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I do it too! I had no idea that other people do this as well. I definitely suffer from social anxiety.
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#21 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 07:54 PM
 
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I do it too! I had no idea that other people do this as well. I definitely suffer from social anxiety.
^ Yeah that.

I definitely do this. I will replay the conversation and then wish I had said something different or not said something... worry about if I sounded dumb or not I hate it.

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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#22 of 69 Old 05-01-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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Me too! I have self-esteem issues too. I dealt with emotional abuse for years and I know that that plays a part. I also can't come up with responses in the moment. My mom is really passive aggressive and usually just stand there in shock when she says something nasty or hurtful. Then I come home and think of a million different things I could have said. Sigh. I'm working on it.
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#23 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 09:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I do it too! I had no idea that other people do this as well. I definitely suffer from social anxiety.

I thought I was the only one too! Now what do we do about it? Hmm...

My family and I are going over to a friend's this evening for a bbq. I'm not really nervous about going, but I know that I'll be second-guessing everything I say today later tonight. Uh, did that make any sense? Wish me luck!

Baking,, Chuck Taylor Wearing, , SAHMom of 2.
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#24 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 10:13 AM
 
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I do this too! AND I re-read e-mails and forum posts over & over after sending/posting to analyze what I wrote and how it may be taken.

DS 12/22/05 and DD 5/24/09
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#25 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 10:59 AM
 
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I thought I was the only one too! Now what do we do about it? Hmm...

My family and I are going over to a friend's this evening for a bbq. I'm not really nervous about going, but I know that I'll be second-guessing everything I say today later tonight. Uh, did that make any sense? Wish me luck!
One way I deal with it is by having some alcohol in social situations. It helps while I'm there, but the next day I feel like I REALLY had loose lips. I'm not a big drinker, so when I say I drink I mean I have a glass of wine or two. I know that isn't the healthiest way of dealing with it, but I am able to relax more that way.
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#26 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 11:25 AM
 
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AND I re-read e-mails and forum posts over & over after sending/posting to analyze what I wrote and how it may be taken.

I can't bear to! The thought of re-reading old email, letters, yearbooks...it all makes me nauseaus.
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#27 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 11:45 AM
 
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I can't bear to! The thought of re-reading old email, letters, yearbooks...it all makes me nauseaus.
Old stuff, absolutely. BUt stuff I wrote an hour ago? Must check. Possibly cringe. Etc.

DS 12/22/05 and DD 5/24/09
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#28 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do this too! AND I re-read e-mails and forum posts over & over after sending/posting to analyze what I wrote and how it may be taken.

I do this too! It's especially bad if they take a long time to reply to my email. Then I read and then re-read my sent mail.

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#29 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 02:58 PM
 
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yep!
All sounds normal to me
I've always accounted it to being an introvert.

and
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#30 of 69 Old 05-02-2009, 09:34 PM
 
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Um, does anyone else have this kind of anxiety AFTER the fact?
Yeah. Though, I must say, I'm getting better.

With my inlaws, it's not what I say that ends up getting over analyzed. It's what I DIDN'T say, and how I should have reacted. I also get worked up over things I missed that were meant as sly insults, when really, if I didn't catch it, I should just have continued to let it fly straight over my head.

I analyze everything though. It's a personality trait, and while in some situations it makes me feel crazy, I don't think it's abnormal. I know a lot of woman who do it.
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