I thought I'd share this e-mail I sent to my mom a few days ago that came straight from the heart. It was a very healing e-mail as it's been over two years since I've seen or spoken to her (we've had a difficult, toxic relationship that I needed to heal from) and I've finally reached a place in which I can talk to her from the heart and gain some closure. Here it is:
Hello, I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing this e-mail, but I think it has to do with closure. I feel like we ended things on a foundation that was not the greatest, so I'd like to clear the air and hopefully help me (and possibly you, if you need it) move on. One of the last things you said to me was that I want everyone to be just like me. I felt a lot of anger towards that comment, but I didn't understand why until I had done more healing work. Now I realize it was because you were perceiving something about me that I really don't like: trying to control my world. I've been trying to give up the need to control everything for as long as I can remember, but it's not exactly easy as you probably know. Also, the reason why I wanted you and Dad to come from a place of peace in order for us to have a relationship is because I never felt seen nor heard by either of you. We've always had a rather superficial relationship, so my unconscious attempt at trying to "make everyone be just like me" was my way of trying to get you and Dad to see me for who I am. You have hurt me a great deal in the past, Mom, with a lot of behavior that I've had to forgive in order to feel at peace. I'm still working on that since I still haven't let go of feeling abandoned by you when I was really little. I don't really have a conscious memory of it happening...it's more of a feeling. Like I know it happened, even though I was too little to retain the memory. Because of that, all I've ever wanted was to be accepted, but I've gone about it the wrong way. Judging you for what you've said and done, trying to make you be a certain way in order to love you, and also judging myself and trying to also be a certain way in order to love myself...all of that has been tremendously hard to heal but now I see that "acceptance" in the way we generally see it is not the acceptance I truly crave. If you read my e-book then you know what I'm talking about it here...it can only come from within. But what I wouldn't give for it to be as easy as curling up in your arms and feeling you stroke my hair or for Dad to bounce me on his knee again...wouldn't it be great if that could make it all better. I wish it was as easy as chatting with you on the phone or going for a walk with Dad, but it just isn't anymore. None of those things is going to make me feel any better or any worse. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm going to send this e-mail or not, but if I do please let Dad know that I love him and I do not resent him for anything he has said or done. Also, please let Mark know that I understand now why he was so hurt by the way I treated him back in 2005, and that I love him as well. Love doesn't mean holding on, though, so I have to truly learn now what it means to say goodbye. Goodbye, Mom, the mother I always wanted but never felt like I could ever be good enough to have. Goodbye, Mom, the best friend who I could talk to about anything, but I knew I could never truly be intimate with. Goodbye, Mom, you will always live on in my heart and I wish you the very best.
And here's her response that I just received this morning:
Just checked my email and found your email. In this moment I am at a loss for words. I am overwhelmed. I do love you very much that I can say. Your book was wonderful. You are wise beyond your years. You have a place in my heart always. Your book helped me see you in a new way, as a grown woman for the first time. You are grown but I tried to keep you needing me. I am not sure why that is but I guess maybe because I needed to be needed. You have been a grown woman for a long long time. I just could not see the real you. Instead I saw what I needed you to be. Should we ever bump into each other somewhere or get in touch again, we will be very different with each other now. Meeting as two grown women is very different than a mother/child relationship. In this lifetime or the next ; )
Laura, you are the little girl I dreamed of having when I was a little girl. I will continue hoping you are happy. That is what I wish for you. Happiness and Peace.
I still have tears in my eyes...what an amazingly healing Mother's Day. I hope everyone enjoys theirs as well