Transvestism. When CD has nothing to do with cloth dipes. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not too sure where to post this. I am happily married to a beautiful fabulous cross-dresser. That's summarizes it.

I am a fairly active MDC user under a different ID. For many reasons, I am not ready to post under my regular name. Maybe later. I do need to test the waters around and see how many we are around here and how people react.

We have 2 beautiful daughters: a baby and a preschooler. He is a fantastic father. He has a man-man job and dresses as a man for it. (At least the visible clothing is masculine ). He goes to slip on a dress at home once the girls are in bed.

He doesn't dress in front of our daughter. Although in an ideal world, she should know who her Daddy really is, we unfortunately live in a world where she would have to bear major social stigma. We are planning on letting the girls know as soon as they can understand the concept of family privacy. We do not want them to learn about it later in life and have the feeling that we lied to them. For now, we do maintain with them the feeling that daddy is "special". So he does dress up with the preschooler to play princess, just like I do When we paint our nails we paint Daddy's too. Those are situations we can justify to outsiders fairly easily and feel okay with it.

Any other CDing family on MDC? How do you feel about our way of living? As a parent would you send your children to a play date in our house if you knew? Would you discourage your children play with ours on the school grounds?
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#2 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 01:26 PM
 
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I personally wouldn't have issues with any of that.
But I think U know already that many parents would.
They'd object out of ignorance, but knowing that doesn't help much.

There's a popular English comedian who CDs: Eddie Izzard.

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#3 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Cavy.

Cross-Dressing is a big grey area. And so many hide, that we are all guilty for keeping that grey zone. I'd probably be out there, if it weren't for the kids. But right there is too much to lose.

Specific groups have managed for rights and are now being socially accepted. But transvestites (especially heterosexuals), don't seem to fit any of those. Not a normal guy, not a woman either, not a true transsexual (like many, DH has no intention of transitioning, he is okay with the way he was born, he just just not okay with the society pushing him in the man-man mold that has been made up), not gay... So they confuse a lot of people and just end up labeled as pervs .
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#4 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 01:44 PM
 
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He doesn't dress in front of our daughter. Although in an ideal world, she should know who her Daddy really is, we unfortunately live in a world where she would have to bear major social stigma. We are planning on letting the girls know as soon as they can understand the concept of family privacy. We do not want them to learn about it later in life and have the feeling that we lied to them. For now, we do maintain with them the feeling that daddy is "special". So he does dress up with the preschooler to play princess, just like I do When we paint our nails we paint Daddy's too. Those are situations we can justify to outsiders fairly easily and feel okay with it.

Any other CDing family on MDC? How do you feel about our way of living? As a parent would you send your children to a play date in our house if you knew? Would you discourage your children play with ours on the school grounds?
I think your family sounds like a beautiful family. I absolutely would let my children play with yours - anywhere at all, including your home.

I'm honestly a little bit jealous. I think that CDing men are delicious. But DH isn't into it.
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#5 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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Honestly, I would have no problem with my daughter playing with your kids. If your hubby was going to be CDing in front of my child, I'd want to know about it ahead of time so I could explain it to her. I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with their child playing with your children at school - that's just sad.

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#6 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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As a parent I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But then my kid's Dad owns more make up than I do...
CDing is a subject where many (if not probably most) people could use more education. I feel priviliged to have known some lovely CDers in my time who taught me a lot about it. All of whom were straight men, with jobs and families. Who also liked to wear dresses and in one case, even live as a woman part time. Can't really see why it would make anyone worry about thier kids, but then people do get thier knickers in a knot about the strangest things.

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#7 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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Testingthewaters...this may sound like a dumb comment, but having read your account of your family, I really think Cross-dressing is...well..."cool", for lack of a better word. I would be happy to have my child play with yours, and to be exposed (also for lack of a more suitable word) to the blurring of established gender boundaries. I hope that didn't sound ignorant or offensive. I've only been in contact with full-out transvestites who were seeking an eventual gender change, but never with a CDer who was happily hetero.

Anyhow, I just wanted to chime in to say how awesome I think it is that you'll be discussing this with your daughters and I envy them for getting to paint daddy's nail and dress him up all pretty.
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#8 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:41 PM
 
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http://www.amazon.com/This-Charming-...3907488&sr=8-2

I don't have any advice, but you might enjoy reading this book. I don't have a problem with it, personally. There are worse things a child could be exposed to in another person's home. Besides it sounds like your DH is very careful about it.

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#9 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:46 PM
 
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I think your family sounds like a beautiful family. I absolutely would let my children play with yours - anywhere at all, including your home.
Same here! But I doubt I'm in the majority. Although where you live makes a big difference, too. If you're in a liberal, urban area, maybe folks will be more accepting than you think.

Have you seen the updated user agreement yet?
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#10 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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As long as the family were nice people, I wouldn't have a problem.

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#11 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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I think it's great. My DH used to CD quite often actually, and would love to continue, though he doesn't feel like he has the time for it. But he makes a very lovely woman! We plan on teaching our daughter about the wide wonderful range of gender expression!

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#12 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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i hope that this thread shows you that you dont need an alter ego to post about it, obviously we all support you and your family...it sounds like you are handling it the way you should, ease your children into it, keep things explained at a simple level for them, and things should be just fine.

what a delight that your daughters can play dress up with both of you!

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#13 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 05:41 PM
 
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My son has already been exposed to cross dressing and while he was kind of at first, I’ve explained that there is no such thing as boy things/girl things, girl’s clothing/boy’s clothing, etc. Some men like to wear dresses just as some women like to wear suits, and that what we wear doesn’t mean much of anything other than one's personal preference for looking a certain way. It's the same as his liking sandals rather than sneakers, or shorts rather than pants. Clothes don't make the man! Or woman!

So personally, I would take no issue with your hubby’s CDing at all! I'd have no issue with my son going over to play, seeing your hubby dressed up, etc. Though I guess that doesn’t mean much, as the response you’ll get here will probably be more open minded in general than you might get in “real life”, considering the kind of forum this is. It makes me sad though, and I have felt as you feel, having to “hide”, just about other lifestyle choices that we have that may make life more difficult for my DS because of close minded people. It’s really a crappy position to be in. People should be able to live in any way they choose, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else, without the fear of being shunned, or having our kids be shunned.

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#14 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 05:54 PM
 
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I would have no qualms about my children playing with yours, at your house! I don't know what your husband wanting to wear "female" clothes has to do with whether he's a nice person or not. I think it's wonderful that he's found someone like yourself who accepts who he is!

Hey, I can't say I wouldn't look twice if I saw a man walking down the street in a dress, and I don't quite understand the urge....but I don't understand what urges people to pierce their nipples either, and that certainly doesn't bother me!

A happy woman
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#15 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 05:57 PM
 
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I would have no issue at all, whatsoever. Diversity makes life WONDERFUL and I seek it out in the ever-so-beige suburbs. I go out of my way to bring diversity into my and my family's lives.

I can see how you'd feel, though. My particular suburb, while very international and racially diverse, is also somewhat conservative. It's fine to gradually intro your daughters to this - you do what's best for your family.

I wish y'all lived closer

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#16 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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we'd come over to play
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#17 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 06:00 PM
 
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I would have no problem with your family specifically because of the cross dressing. I might even chat with your DH about women's fashions.

I can guarantee that the rest of my extended family would have no problem with it either, especially the gay ones. But I can't speak for other community members- I don't know any LBGT families in my immediate area, so I can't see how others would respond to them.

Have you posted to the "Queer Parenting" subforum yet?

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#18 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 07:17 PM
 
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Truthfully, my level of comfort/discomfort would depend on how well I knew your family (or a family in your situation). If I knew that your husband was crossdressing/trans before meeting you- honestly I'd probably hesitate to get too involved beyond basic courtesy between aquaintences or neighbors. It just isn't something I understand and am a bit confused by. I confess to believing that there are inate difference between males and females and that both are equally valuable. I would be fine with my kids playing at the home of an openly gay couple provided I knew thme well and trusted them. I'd also have no problem with a child's dad being well groomed (getting manicures or facials), wearing pastel colors or enjoying activities that are traditionally in our society female such as cooking, gardening etc. I'd actually think it was adorable and very sweet to see a dad participate in his child's imaginative play by dressing up with him/her. I think what weirds me out about crossdressing/trans issues is the element of secrecy and the appearence (at least outwardly) of identity confusion. A compulsion needs to be pretty strong for someone to go to such lengths to appease it-wearing female clothes under masculine, putting on dresses after everyone is asleep. I am just uncomfortable with secretive behavior. Basically if a person seems uncomfortable with his/her choices to the point of hiding them I would be uncomfortable with them. A person who hides major aspects of who they are would obviously be someone I would be unable to know well and therefore would be unable to develop a trusting relationship with. Openly gay people or transexuals who accept themselves and show confidence in who they are seem to me to be mentally healthy, whole people. A person living the role of one gender in public and another behind closed doors does not seem to be someone who knows who he /she is and would make me wary. As far as your children go-my children would absolutely be allowed to play with yours and would be welcome in my home if our kids developed a friendship. I would be fine with my kids attending your childs birthday parties as long as I were present. I would not judge a child based on the behaviors of a parent and I would try hard to be as accepting as felt safe to me but.. as I said above I would not feel safe leaving my kids in the care of an adult who lived a double life, seemed to engage in secretive behavior or who gave the appearence of engaging in behaviors he seemed to be ashamed of. ...This probably wont be a popular point of view but you did ask for honesty. Let the flaming begin!
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#19 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 07:23 PM
 
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As a parent would you send your children to a play date in our house if you knew? Would you discourage your children play with ours on the school grounds?
Im going to be perfectly honest with you, with no hostility whatsoever intended... absolutely none at all, nada...k?

I do not understand CDing. Im being honest. My husband doesnt do it and if he did I personally would find it VERY strange.... thats bc I know myself, what I like in a man and I know my dh, and if it ever comes out that he is a secret CDer... well Id be shocked, its so out of his character. I find it strange. Im saying this bc everyone's been so positive about it here and I have a feeling that no one who does find it ...odd... would actually post. I wanted you to be aware of what a person who didnt understand CDing (or to be perfectly honest does find it odd) might think or feel about CDing. Its nothing against you or your dh. I dont know if that is considered judgemental or not. Its simply something I dont understand but kind of say 'live and let live' kind of thing, ykwim. Im sure you are lovely, honest, caring, kind, people (I say 'Im sure' only bc I dont know you irl). CDing wouldnt impact on that part of who you are.

Saying that, *I* personally wouldnt ever tell my kids who they could and couldnt be friends with. I would talk them thru their problems with their friends and help them decide what a *good* friend is, but I would never tell them they couldnt play with anyone who's dad was a CDer, or who lived a different, but healthy (ie not a drug abuser, alcoholic, known to be abusive or a peodophile etc) lifestyle from us. If they had a friend whose parent was a known drug user, thats a different story.

I hope that comes out as I intend, just honest with no ill will at all. To me, its kind of a personal thing that I wouldnt want to know about someone else. And I dont know how that sounds so...
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#20 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 07:27 PM
 
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Well, giftedwith2, it appears we posted at the same time.
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#21 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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Hi, sis! Just kidding, my sister and her husband have no kids yet, but he was wearing a dress when she met him. It weirded my dad out for a while, but he got used to it. Actually I haven't seen BIL dressed up much since he started working from home, though. But anyway, yeah, in my family? No problem.

Of course my 2-year-old boy is now in the dress-up-like-a-princess stage, so everyone makes jokes that he wants to be like his Uncle, but that's just a joke.
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#22 of 69 Old 09-25-2009, 11:35 PM
 
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I guess I could just "google" it, but at the risk of sounding ignorant and naive, I'm just going to ask...is there a sexual component to CD? Is it that your DH like to wear women's clothes? Or does he have a female "persona"? Do you address him by a different name? Or is he a guy that's wearing heels and a dress? I know nothing about cross-dressing. All the scenarios I"m imagining are straight out of Hollywood, I'm afraid. So, if I'm being honest, I think it would make me a bit uncomfortable. But you say you'll explain it to your kids when they understand "family privacy" which leads me to believe it's something he'd like to do in front of them, but not necessarily at the soccer game. Do you imagine that if your kids had friends over he'd sit down to dinner dressed in women's clothes? Just trying to understand how this works. I hope I'm not sounding offensive. I know I DO sound ignorant.
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#23 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. My dad's real dad, who I met once or twice before he died when I was 7, liked to CD (or so I hear from various scandalized family members). The shame of it all really impacted my dad, and it makes me really sad for him that he was raised in an environment where he wasn't "allowed" to accept his father as he was. He is 53, so it was a different time then, but still. I wish his family had been more like yours--so I say, good on you for supporting your husband!

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#24 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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Op, it would not be a factor in our comfort having our dc over to play.

My dd is 8, and is familiar with the concept of CD (and transgender, for that matter, although I understand that is not the case at all with your dh). We live in a mildly liberal suburb in the south. We don't know anyone who CDs (that we know of), but we watch America's Next Top Model together (), and J. Alexander has prompted questions and lots of great conversations about the wonderful diversity of humankind We do know lots (and lots) of LGBT people, so dd is accustomed to difference in the arena of gender.

It would be strange to her at first, I'm sure. She'd have questions, and we'd discuss it. We'd be open with you answering questions if she posed them to you, as well.

I don't know your religious views or affiliations, but we are UU and our congregation is very, very open minded to these kinds of issues. Our UU church in a conservative FL town had a transgender guest minister a few years back. If you are looking for a community of open minded parents, so that your dh can more comfortably live as he is, that might be a place to start. Honestly, I don't think our congregation would bat an eye at a man in a skirt
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#25 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 10:38 AM
 
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As long as the family were nice people, I wouldn't have a problem.
This. I'll go ahead and admit that I would be...er, maybe a little taken aback by it at first (just because it's not really the 'norm'--and that's mine and society's fault, not yours), but assuming that you and your family were nice (and I felt otherwise comfortable with your parenting style enough to let my kids be there unsupervised--i.e. you don't beat and curse at your kids ) then I wouldn't have an issue with it.

I agree with the PP who said that if your DH were to CD in front of my DD, I would prefer to know ahead of time so that I could explain it to her.

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#26 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 11:02 AM
 
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I just asked DH (we're pretty open minded around here). His issue was
"And you know this how...?" which bears upon the answer. I would think it was weird, but I'd send my kid there. But it's also something I'm not likely to know.... DH has a stronger sense of privacy than me. He's weirded out by people sharing intimate things with acquaintances.

On the other hand, we are medieval re-enactors and I know lots of men who like nice clothes, prefer kilts/dresses/tunics, like lace and willingly wear tights.

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#27 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 11:53 AM
 
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Like others, I would be surprised. AFAIK, I don't know any cross dressers. I would find it strange and outside of my experience. That said, if I was already friends with your family, cross dressing wouldn't change my mind. Behavior is WAY more important than what a person looks like. Yes, I would do a double take, but I don't think it would impact my ability to maintain a friendship. And I would have no problems sending my children to play at your house. But as PPers have pointed out, if CDing was going to be happening in front of my children, I'd want to know so that I could talk to them about it.

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#28 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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LOL, maybe it's cause I just woke up, but I kept thinking "what does cloth diapering (cding) have to do with cross dressing?". hahaha. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Personally I wouldn't have any issues with my kids playing with yours. We live close to Nelson BC. It's such a cool little town. My kids have walked down the main street, which is very busy, and seen men dressed in women's clothes, women dressed in barely anything, women kissing women, men kissing men, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc and they don't even bat an eye. Personally, I think the reaction that kids have when they see something out of the ordinary is for the most part, based on the parents reaction to it. I
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#29 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 12:52 PM
 
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So glad you posted this : ) I would completely let my lo play with yours! DH and I met in college at a *very* crunchy, eclectic school. People were very open and welcoming in terms of differences : sexuality, race, cross dressing, gay, lesbian, transgender and absolutely everything in between. Every spring there would be a huge production of Rocky Horror Picture Show, which was massively popular, and a drag show. DH played Rocky for a few years (and looks pretty good in a corset, heels, and gold spankies ) and I always did the drag show (not to brag, but I won my senior year). We are both straight, but being straight doesn't necessarily mean fitting into narrowly defined gender roles and stereotypes IMHO. I wear a lot of sarongs during the summer and DH mentioned that he liked them, so I surprised him with a 'manly' printed one and he wears it around the house now and again. We want to raise our Ds to welcome the entire spectrum of different people into his heart

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#30 of 69 Old 09-26-2009, 01:23 PM
 
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No problem at all, even if your husband was in a dress and makeup at the time.
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