I want to get married... what's changed? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 10-11-2009, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

I don't know where to post this at all, but I don't know where else to turn or who to ask...

My partner and I have been together for almost 11 years. We've always agreed that marriage isn't important and doesn't change anything in a relationship.

But.. recently, I've been thinking about marriage a lot. Not in a religious way, but having a civil ceremony (small)... romantic, with a few friends and family... the last few months when I see marriage scenes in movies it makes me feel sad that I'll never know that.

Why am I feeling this way? I've asked my DH (I call him that even though he isn't officially my hubby) about it and he really doesn't want to get married.

I had my little sister on the phone today and she was saying how she thinks her boyfriend might propose sometime soon... and to my shock and horror, I was jealous!

I don't really know what I'm seeking here... some words or advice... anything you can give me...I just feel so sad.. it's so silly. We have a perfect life, have always had a happy couple and are still happy...

Thank you

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#2 of 12 Old 10-11-2009, 06:38 PM
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Like it ot not, we live in countries where married couples are given a different respect than unmarried couples. Even though marriages are by no means necessarily permanent, married couples are usually treated as a step above other relationships. We unmarried couples face more of people suspecting our children must not have been planned, that we aren't as committed, etc.. It my just be wearing on you now. Plus it doesn't help that there's an entire big-money industry out there painting the wedding day as a day of magic, and any woman who doesn't have one is missing out on something major. All I can think of that unmarried women truly miss out on is everyone coming together to celebrate relationship. When we're not married, when do we ever have all out family and friends come in from around the world to celebrate our love?
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#3 of 12 Old 10-11-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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Would your DH oppose a commitment ceremony that had no legal basis? I know that for many years I didn't want to get married, because I put a lot of value on my personal identity not including the term wife, but over time I realized that I wanted a public declaration of commitment, and my DH was only doing that with a legal marriage. It took me over a year to change my name (which was one of the agreements we made about getting married) and I still cried after doing it. But I am still extremely glad to have stood before our friends and family and bound myself to him, but would have gladly done it without the legalities. (IMO I am bound by the promises I have made, not by the gov't.)
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#4 of 12 Old 10-11-2009, 08:32 PM
 
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The title of the thread says "marriage" but what you're saying you want is a wedding. There IS a difference! Do you want the wedding with the dress, flowers, romance, etc. or is it that you're wanting to feel your relationship is more permanent/official/legal/whatever?

If it's the wedding you want, I'd agree with PP to see if he'd agree to a "celebration" ceremony of your love and commitment to one another.

If it's the marriage you want, I guess you need to explore why it's important now when it wasn't so much before.
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#5 of 12 Old 10-12-2009, 02:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the answers.

Yes, I can see I wasn't very specific with my title..

I don't want a big white wedding with all the classic wedding stuff, but what I would love to have is to have a small ceremony at the commune (where you do the civil ceremony over here). I think I do want it to be official, I've come to think that a public bonding of a relationship is beautiful, whether it's in the forest or on a beach, no matter where, I think I would like to be able to call him my husband. We live in a country that is French speaking. When I speak about him to others I either say my boyfriend or my partner, but not my husband.

It's really that declaration of love, I want to call him my husband, I want to be able to take his name if I want to.

So it's not just the wedding day I want, I do want one, but very low key and to just have those who are important to me to be here with us, but I also want the marriage. Not becase it will change our relationship, but for those little perhaps insignificant things that go along with it.

Mama to 2 gorgeous little boys 5 yrs and 2.5 yrs fencing.gif expecting another babyf.gif in November 2011!!

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#6 of 12 Old 10-15-2009, 12:54 AM
 
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Has he said why he does not want to be married?

Laura wife to Chris proud mommy to our lil monkey (c-section 6-10-06), our other lil monkey (HBAC 3-08-09) Our next and last son (due by HBAC mid July 2011) and our angel (10-03-04). My middle son has many severe food allergies.

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#7 of 12 Old 10-15-2009, 09:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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His reasons: It doesn't change anything to our relationship. Doesn't want to have anything to do with the commune (where you get civil service).

We both have divorced parents, but he did grow up in a rather violent household and there was a very very messy divorce between his parents. do you think this has something to do with it? I've asked him and he says it doesn't, but maybe it does?

I keep wonderinf if it was just a phase I was going through, but my feelings haven't changed. It's not that I'm missing anything in my relationship, we've got a really strong relationship, but rather that I want to add to it. I really want to call him my husband and have our union made offical. I know he gets embarrassed at anything public... he's the lst person to stand up and make a speech! would that nave anything to do with it? I just don't know what to do...

I also realise that this 'problem' is so insignificant in comparison to what a lot of other people are going through... but it's just constantly on my mind... I don't know if I should hold out hope or just make peace with the fact that I'll never be married?

Mama to 2 gorgeous little boys 5 yrs and 2.5 yrs fencing.gif expecting another babyf.gif in November 2011!!

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#8 of 12 Old 10-15-2009, 01:28 PM
 
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I don't have an answer for you, just some thoughts.

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His reasons: It doesn't change anything to our relationship.
Then why not get married? If nothing fundamental will change with the relationship, aside from the fact that it will make his partner very happy, then this is a non argument.

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We both have divorced parents, but he did grow up in a rather violent household and there was a very very messy divorce between his parents. do you think this has something to do with it? I've asked him and he says it doesn't, but maybe it does?
Of course it does. It has everything to do with his feelings about marriage.

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I also realise that this 'problem' is so insignificant in comparison to what a lot of other people are going through... but it's just constantly on my mind... I don't know if I should hold out hope or just make peace with the fact that I'll never be married?
You are minimizing your needs. What other people are going through is not relevant.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#9 of 12 Old 10-16-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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Things do change. It sounds like your feelings on this topic have. It is reasonable to want to discuss that with your spouse. Many moons ago I wanted to get married and dh didn't. He agreed to just to please me. To him it was a waste of time and money (mostly the money). We had been together for 8 years at that point and owned 2 income properties together. We were happy and commited, why change anything?

While we were meeting with the Reverend, he described the reasons a couple would want to get married. Something he said really clicked for dh and he finally saw a reason to do it. That was 13 years ago.

If it is something that you want very badly. Maybe he can put aside his dislike for the commune for one day, so that you can have the declaration of love and acknowledgment of commitment that you are craving, for a lifetime.

Michelle , 20+ years with a wonderful DH
Mama to two boys, 12 and 10

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#10 of 12 Old 10-17-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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I think it is very "romantic" to be part of a unit....you and your kids and your bonafide hubby would be complete with a marriage. (IMHO, and just going by your posts, I fully realize marriage isn't for everyone!) Like OP said, sometimes things just knock into place when men hear about it from a different angle. For us, marriage works. I approached it in a matter that Divorce is NOT an option, which is so freeing. DH came from a divorced family and was a little distrustful of the whole thing, but realizing that I was going to be THERE for him no matter what---it's so nice to not either tip-toe around in fears that he's going to leave me, or to not let our minds wander into "what if we couuld just break up..." which puts the responsibility on us to make this work, and it's not even that hard!

Lots of luck to you. Dr. Phil isn't all that popular, but I like the way he put situations like this-------On a scale of 1-10, if getting married to you is a 10 and then for him it's a 2 or 3, it isn't really fair or good for the relationship to allow a 2 or 3 to overpower the 10. Getting married is not an outrageous thing to want, I hope things turn out how you want, or you may end up resentful. Fingers crossed for you!
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#11 of 12 Old 10-17-2009, 12:14 PM
 
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My fiance calls me his wife I call him my husband and he wears his wedding band I just wear the engagement ring. I plan to just stay engaged but he has other plans! maybe even just an engagement with no set date would help to feel more committed? While helping your partner realize that it will not change anything?

I also think it is normal to what to show your love to others. Why wouldn't you?


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#12 of 12 Old 10-18-2009, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all your replies ladies and the time you've taken to write them. I think I will talk to him about it again as it is important to me. You've made me realise that at least I'm not being selfish. Thanks again

Mama to 2 gorgeous little boys 5 yrs and 2.5 yrs fencing.gif expecting another babyf.gif in November 2011!!

It's a stork-girl.gif !!! hearts.gif
Living with my amazing partner love.gif and 4 cat.gif
 

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