Am I Overreacting? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some outside perspective on this relationship issue.

DH is a wonderful person in so many ways, but we have several recurring issues in our relationship. This one came up again this morning, and has me feeling frustrated and resentful (again!).

BACKGROUND: DH works full time, I'm a SAHM/parttime WAHM. DH is more of a night person, and I am more of a morning person. DD is up daily by 6 am, and does not sleep well through the night. We co-sleep, and of course I am the one who tends to all her night wakings since I'm the one with the boobs. DH sleeps with us about half the time, in another room about half the time. When he sleeps in another room, he gets great nights of sleep; when with us, he gets better sleep than I do but does get woken by DD.

PROBLEM: Given any opportunity, DH will sleep in much later than DD (and I, of course) get up. It drives me nuts for several reasons. For one, he gets tremendous more sleep than I do. If he chooses to stay up late, that is his choice, and to me doesn't excuse him from getting up at latest by 7 if we are up by 6. Today is the perfect example of another reason it drives me nuts: I had a dentist appt at 10am and DH was going to watch our DD during that time. Rather than just coming home before my appt, he took the morning off of work. The evening before we talked about how we both had a lot of things we would like to get done in the morning while he was home, but we would work that out in the morning. (His taking time off work is a bit of an issue too, but that is another post!) 6 am rolls around, DD is up, so am I, DH is still sleeping. I close the door so he can continue to sleep, since I do want him to feel rested. 7 am, still asleep...I'm tapping my foot waiting for him to wake up. just before 8am, I finally go in to the room and just get on with our day, like brushing teeth, etc. But by now I'm pissed off, I figure he squandered the morning away sleeping, so now I should get to take care of my "things to do". But I'm left with only 45 mins to do them because DD needs me in order to nap at 8:45 and I have to leave as soon as she wakes up. So I'm pissed off, pressed for time, and he is clueless that there is any sort of problem.

So in a nutshell, I feel like it is unfair of him to sleep in when I don't get to do that ever. I'm not asking for an opportunity to sleep in, because truthfully once DD is up, so am I, and I just can't sleep at that point. But what I want is for him to get out of bed, at latest 1 hr after we wake up. That first hour is filled with breakfast and waking up anyway, but by 7 am, if he isn't going to work (weekend or any other reason), I feel he should be helping me out, not just sleeping away.

What do you think, am I over reacting or is it legit for me to feel irritated and resentful? We definitely have talked about this before, so it isn't like I've just been suppressing my feelings and letting them boil up.

: Mountain biking mama to one beautiful baby girl, born happily at home 8/26/2008.
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#2 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 06:08 PM
 
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You sounds exhausted. ((HUGS))

I do think you are overreacting a bit. I understand your wanting your husband up and being part of whatever is going on and having some help. If the situation were reversed and he asked you to stay up late to get stuff done and be with him how would you react?

I have been pregnant, nursing or both since the week after my husband and I got married. I have literally slept through the night probably 20 times in the last 7+ years. We made a deal when our oldest was born that since I do the nighttime parenting (well most of it, it's changed some since we've had the other kids or when someone is sick) that I get to sleep in when he's home in the mornings. He came to bed at 2AM last night and got up at 7 to get our oldest ready for school. I went to bed at midnight with a sick 2 year old and got up just before 10. But our 2 year old cosleeps and nursed 4 or 5 times last night.

I am NOT a morning person. I feel the same getting up at 6AM whether or not I've gotten 4 or 8 hours of sleep. And I feel gross and just not ready to be up at that hour. My husband IS a morning person and feels fine on 6 hours of sleep regularly.

I hope you can come to a compromise.
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#3 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 06:18 PM
 
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I'd say you're overreacting, but ONLY because by your own admission you wouldn't sleep in even if he gave you the opportunity. So, in my estimation you're overreacting to him getting to sleep in.

That said, you have the right to feel annoyed if you choose to feel annoyed. You're in charge of your emotions.

What is it that's really bothering you? Is it that he's not equally sharing in the parenting? Is it that he gets more sleep/better sleep than you do? Is there something you actually need or want him to do differently?

Try to figure out what the true issue is and then address that (if possible).
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#4 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 06:27 PM
 
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If getting to sleep in sometimes isn't what you want, try to figure out what would help. If you can do your partner this tremendous favor of letting him sleep in, can you think of something he can do in return? It doesn't need to be tit for tat, but the fact that you are bugged indicates that you could use some time to yourself. Could he, for example, get your daughter down to sleep a couple nights a week while you go take an exercise class or have a moms' night out or something? The other thing I might suggest is to get out of the house in the morning. Rather than feeling resentful, it might help you enjoy the time to have a mini outing before your daughters nap.
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#5 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 06:32 PM
 
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i would agree with the other posters and also say, why did you wait until 8am to do what you had to do? you said you both had things to do in the morning, but you had a dentist appointment, and he didn't. so he had other time to do what he wanted to do. you did not. so why not just do what you need to do? i think it sounds like you might feel a little under-appreciated or like the balance is off in your relationship, but tapping your foot outside the closed door of your bedroom will not get your hubby out of bed! try to think of the things that he does do for you. or if the balance is truly off, figure out what more he can do to help you and ask him for help. but realize that he is probably not going to do those things at 6am.

maybe he is thinking that he can sleep in because you get to nap with your daughter or something like that? or he does not realize how much work you do at home while he is at work. both of you have valuable roles in the house, and it sounds like you guys just need to have a talk about who is doing what work so you can both feel appreciated for what you contribute to the house!
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#6 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 08:05 PM
 
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I'm not seeing overreaction at all. Did you scream at him and treat him bad? I didn't see that you did, you just sound really frustrated.

Being a parent means you get up when the day starts (unless your kids are sleeping in too).

If my husband habitually stayed up wickedly late and slept the day away I'd be livid on a continual and constant basis. If it was once a week I'd be totally supportive, but any given chance? No.

I get how you feel, my husband can sleep during the day if he lays down. I don't have that chip in me. If it's light out it's daytime not sleeping time, my body won't let me unless I'm ill.

I think parents should keep like hours because I mean if you're passing like ships in the night (barring working opposite shifts) that's just really unhealthy, especially for the parent that has to parent all the time because the other is asleep.

I don't think you're overreacting at all, though in the future I'd find ways to get done what I needed done without counting on him, because it seems like a gauranteed frustration point.
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#7 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 08:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mckennasmomma View Post

The evening before we talked about how we both had a lot of things we would like to get done in the morning while he was home, but we would work that out in the morning.

Here's right where it happens with DH and me. I would have thought the above meant he KNEW I needed him to get up. He would have thought I understood he'd get to his stuff once he booted up at his pace.

The content of that talk the evening before would be my starting point. Depending on what was said by whom, this could boil down to a case of two people on very different clocks misunderstanding one another.

But if he specifically said he'd get up, and then slept in? I'd be hurt.

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), an underachieving Bernese Mountain Dog (2006-2014), and an overachieving mother (1930).  Married to DH since 1986.
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#8 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 08:40 PM
 
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Ok first, it definitely seems that this one day is just indicative of the general unsatisfaction you're feeling about the inequality of the parental duties. Hving said that, it also seems that talking about has not produced results.

What I found worked with my DH is to actually write things down. He is great about doing anything I ask but I didn't want to freakin' ask all the time! So what I did was to write a little chart of our *duties* so to speak and post it on the fridge. It works pretty well, not perfect but well. Sometimes men respond to visual cues better than verbal ones. So one more talk may be in order but just to say that you are feeling overwhelmed, the situation is not working for you, and that you'd like to try something new. See how he responds. In our home, we split cooking, DH does the bathroom and vacuuming, I do the mopping, sweeping, and kitchen.

And I do think that you should take a weekend day to sleep in, even if for just and extra hour!

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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#9 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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Why are you waiting for him to get up? I used to take a squirmy toddler and put the kid in bed with him. Now that the kids are older, I put the 110 pound puppy in the bed - works every time

Seriously though, try to figure out what you're really bothered by, b/c I guarantee, if you were sleeping more, there would be something else grating on you - sounds like general sense of not feeling appreciated. When I find myself in one of these anger/frustration spirals, I try to remember that its easier to change my perspective, and attitude than to force some sort of change on my not-nealy-as-evolved hubby. When I approach it that way, hubby magically starts acting better. Not sure why it works that way, but in our house and nearly 20 years together, it does.
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#10 of 19 Old 10-14-2009, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Just now I tried to talk with him about it. Basically he said I should have just woken him up earlier rather than getting upset about it. I guess that is what I will do in the future. But I honestly hate the idea of having to call all the shots, of having to be "the boss". That is my role in our relationship and in parenthood way too much. It doesn't feel very "partner" to me.

: Mountain biking mama to one beautiful baby girl, born happily at home 8/26/2008.
Her signature would be: Sleep is for the Weak
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#11 of 19 Old 10-15-2009, 01:01 AM
 
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It's kind of weird reading this thread because you sound EXACTLY like me.

You should tell him that you feel bossy waking him up and about how you feel resentful of your role in the marriage. It might not change anything, but he should know you feel that way.

With my husband it depends on the morning and my mood and how I slept, but I totally wake him up if I start feeling resentful because nighttime parenting is sososososososo hard and if I have to do all the nighttime parenting, he can share the early morning parenting once in a while.
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#12 of 19 Old 10-15-2009, 02:14 AM
 
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I don't know. Some people are just night people and NOT morning people. It's not necessarily about being lazy or what have you. It's hard for people who aren't night people or are morning people to understand that. I can't fall asleep before midnight unless I'm totally and completely wiped out. I usually go to bed about 1 and I always have. I'm a total bear if I have to get up before 7. My husband is more of a morning person so he gets up with our 2 oldest who wake at 6-6:30. We have a 2 month old as well and the baby and I sleep in until about 7:30 - 8. I do the nighttime parenting of the baby and he does for our other 2 (our middle wakes once a night still.)

This morning, actually, I told my husband that he needed to wake me up earlier in the morning so I could help him get the kids fed, dressed, cleaned and off to school but he said no way, that I needed my sleep. You just have to adapt your family's schedule to what works best for each person.
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#13 of 19 Old 10-15-2009, 03:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mckennasmomma View Post
But I honestly hate the idea of having to call all the shots, of having to be "the boss". That is my role in our relationship and in parenthood way too much. It doesn't feel very "partner" to me.
I totally get this statement. I occasionally have to tell my DH that I am not his mother. Get yourself out of bed and do your job as a parent and a partner.

My beef is when my DH, who works from home, just doesn't stop working and will happily continue until it is time for bed. He used to rely on me to remind him that he was supposed to stop working at 6 so we could spend some time together. Until I got sick of it and reminded him that he is responsible for his choices. If he continues working past 6 (without letting me know he needs to work late) then he has a pissed off wife. If we were supposed to go somewhere I just leave and go to the event without him. He makes much more of an effort now.
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#14 of 19 Old 10-15-2009, 04:07 AM
 
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I don't think you're overreacting, but it isn't a good situation that's for sure. Some people (in my experience) just plain ol need more sleep than others. In many cases the mothers are usually the ones getting less sleep. :-) We have to be able to function on little or no sleep, whereas husbands can't (or are cranky doing so!) I know you said you've talked to him about it before, but I would suggest doing so again. Figure out why it bothers you and calmly address the situation with him.
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#15 of 19 Old 10-15-2009, 01:41 PM
 
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i know what you mean about hating to be bossy! i feel like such a witch when i tell my husband what to do. i would rather he volunteer! but then i try to remind myself of all the things that he does that he does not ask me to do, and it helps me to put things into perspective. like when i am out all day and come home and he has cut the grass without being asked to or talking about it for a week beforehand. or when it is raining and cold out and he takes the trash out and i am sitting on the couch in my pj's. there is a ton of stuff that he does that i do not ask him to do, so i try not to take that for granted. and other stuff too like supporting me when i am an emotional basket case and just hugging me and putting up with me when i am acting crazy. those are things that have value, and sometimes it is worth a trade of just asking him to clean up the table before dinner or asking him to clean the bathroom while i vacuum, etc.

like i said though, if there really is an imbalance, then something needs to change. i know my sister and her husband have a chore chart/calendar like the PP mentioned that really works for them. maybe that would help him to see all you do once you make a list of all the things you do in a week and ask for help.
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#16 of 19 Old 10-17-2009, 01:55 AM
 
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My husband sleeps in, and it ticks me off, even though neither of us have anything pressing to do in the mornings. (He works offshore, so he is gone for work half the time and home half the time with no job to go to.) I can't decide why it makes me mad, so I don't mention it. I guess it just feels unfair that I'm up and dealing with the kids and everything while he's sleeping the day away. But then I think, the kids are easy, and I like being with them. So it doesn't really matter. But it still irks me.
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#17 of 19 Old 10-17-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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I get in similar situations of resentment, but then I remind myself...I'm the one who wanted this baby. I'm the mother. It is I who DS attaches to, it's ME who he will look at with for taking care of him his whole life, and that makes it worth it to me.

That, and in my case, I can't deny that DH is *awesome* at doing the gross stuff, like dealing with dead animals or the chimney flue. Those are things I *can't* do, so there's a trade-off.
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#18 of 19 Old 10-18-2009, 12:05 AM
 
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It sort of sounds to me like your issue is not so much DH's sleeping in, but the fact that he expects you to be the "boss" or his mom or whatever and make him get up and help you. I get the sense that he probably would get up if you asked him to, but you don't want to ask. So maybe there's a different issue here.. you're sick of being the one in charge, the responsible one? And if that's the issue you need to bring it up with DH. But figure out what it is that's really bugging you.
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#19 of 19 Old 10-18-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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If it were me, I would have woken dh up when I needed him to get up so that I could do what I needed to do. If an alarm wasn't set, neither one of us normally wakes up, but who ever is up first wakes the other one at the appropriate time.
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