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-   -   My brother is a big baby..... (http://www.mothering.com/forum/12-personal-growth/1171878-my-brother-big-baby.html)

babygrant 12-11-2009 05:26 PM

Ugh, I'm sick of my brother and his manipulative personality.

My brother is 24 years old, got divorced a couple years ago (married for about 9 months), quite possibly an alcoholic, and very manipulative. He's been a compulsive over-spender for as long as I can remember. He bought a brand new car about four years ago. My mom and dad paid most of his payments. He got a DUI about a year ago and the car has been impounded ever since. He has actually got about 4 DUI's, lost his licence twice because of those tickets plus dangerous driving offences. He owes my parents around $10,000 which I know they'll never see. My parents always vent about the things he does, the money he owes, but they don't do anyhing about it...which I know is their choice. He has verbal diarrhea. Will say anything and doesn't care if it hurts anyones feelings. When my oldest son was born he had cross eyes and he told me that my son belonged in a halfway house. We had a contractor during the summer come in and do a reno on our house. They royally screwed up and bailed and cost us $29,000.00 worth of repairs on our hose. He had the nerve to call the guy who screwed up and bailed and tell him that he was sorry that his sister (me) caused him to lose his job. He swears around my kids and just acts like he's a 12 year old.

So my birthday was back in September. I made my own birthday dinner, made a little birthday cake with the kids for myself. Had a couple phone calls saying happy birthday, no cards, no visits. Whatever....now that I have kids I'd rather people make a big deal out of them rather than me anyways!

So today is my brothers birthday. We sleep till about 7:00 or shortly after. 7:05 the phone rings, we are still in bed. I got up but missed the call, notice it's my brothers number. I get the kids up and call my brother back, he doesn't answer so i left a message saying happy birthday. My sister calls me shortly after and tells me that brother is mad because he wanted everyone to go out for breakfast (in a town 30 mins away) for his birthday but nobody wants to go. I log onto facebook and his status says "Fuck you all, I'm going for breakfast to McDonalds".

Last week my sister suggested we go bowling for brothers birthday. Sister asks brother and he says "hmm...I don't know". Last night my brother calls my mom and tells her "I want you to make me lasagna and buy me a ice cream cake from dairy queen". My mom works full time. I told my sister I won't attend a birthday party for my brother. Part of me is pissed off that they make a big deal out of my brothers birthday because they are afraid of his little temper tantrums. The other part of me just doesn't want to go because I end up mentally exhausted. So I won't go. Sister calls me a few minutes ago and tells me that they've quickly organized a birthday party for my brother at a restraunt. Brother wants a birthday party for him...so they are doing it. i'm not going. Sister is mad...my brother will be mad....and I'm sure my parents will be disappointed for not keeping the peace.

How do you get someone to grow up!!! All of this drives me bonkers.

sapphire_chan 12-11-2009 07:14 PM

Don't talk to or about him and tell everyone who tries to tell you about him "I don't want to hear about him until he can act like an adult. Care for some bean dip?"

homewithtwinsmama 12-11-2009 07:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by babygrant View Post
Ugh, I'm sick of my brother and his manipulative personality.

My brother is 24 years old, got divorced a couple years ago (married for about 9 months), quite possibly an alcoholic, and very manipulative. He's been a compulsive over-spender for as long as I can remember. He bought a brand new car about four years ago. My mom and dad paid most of his payments. He got a DUI about a year ago and the car has been impounded ever since. He has actually got about 4 DUI's, lost his licence twice because of those tickets plus dangerous driving offences. He owes my parents around $10,000 which I know they'll never see. My parents always vent about the things he does, the money he owes, but they don't do anyhing about it...which I know is their choice. He has verbal diarrhea. Will say anything and doesn't care if it hurts anyones feelings. When my oldest son was born he had cross eyes and he told me that my son belonged in a halfway house. We had a contractor during the summer come in and do a reno on our house. They royally screwed up and bailed and cost us $29,000.00 worth of repairs on our hose. He had the nerve to call the guy who screwed up and bailed and tell him that he was sorry that his sister (me) caused him to lose his job. He swears around my kids and just acts like he's a 12 year old.

So my birthday was back in September. I made my own birthday dinner, made a little birthday cake with the kids for myself. Had a couple phone calls saying happy birthday, no cards, no visits. Whatever....now that I have kids I'd rather people make a big deal out of them rather than me anyways!

So today is my brothers birthday. We sleep till about 7:00 or shortly after. 7:05 the phone rings, we are still in bed. I got up but missed the call, notice it's my brothers number. I get the kids up and call my brother back, he doesn't answer so i left a message saying happy birthday. My sister calls me shortly after and tells me that brother is mad because he wanted everyone to go out for breakfast (in a town 30 mins away) for his birthday but nobody wants to go. I log onto facebook and his status says "Fuck you all, I'm going for breakfast to McDonalds".

Last week my sister suggested we go bowling for brothers birthday. Sister asks brother and he says "hmm...I don't know". Last night my brother calls my mom and tells her "I want you to make me lasagna and buy me a ice cream cake from dairy queen". My mom works full time. I told my sister I won't attend a birthday party for my brother. Part of me is pissed off that they make a big deal out of my brothers birthday because they are afraid of his little temper tantrums. The other part of me just doesn't want to go because I end up mentally exhausted. So I won't go. Sister calls me a few minutes ago and tells me that they've quickly organized a birthday party for my brother at a restraunt. Brother wants a birthday party for him...so they are doing it. i'm not going. Sister is mad...my brother will be mad....and I'm sure my parents will be disappointed for not keeping the peace.

How do you get someone to grow up!!! All of this drives me bonkers.

Sounds like my husband's sister's long lost twin. We cut her off permenantly. We told the g'rents not to try to guilt trip us because we won't be around her and they won't be around the g'kids if they force the issue. Peace has ensued for the last 3 years. Love it!

caro113 12-11-2009 09:13 PM

I like Sapphire's response.

And this sounds like my SIL. She's a big baby, too, with a baby of her own. I personally can't stand her so DP knows not to talk about her around me. They don't talk much anyway because she doesn't initiate conversation and he just doesn't have the time to deal with it. MIL also knows I can't stand her because I flat out told her to her face. And I told her why. Somehow, she understood what I was saying. She definitely defended her, but didn't make me out to be the bad guy .. thankfully.

Anyhow, I have cut her out of my life. She's off my facebook and I do not talk to or about her. It's a great stress relief. It really is.

DP's bio father is similar, as in he throws tantrums and is extremely manipulative. We both cut him off two years ago. And we are both happier because of it. SIL is just like him and actually was feeding him info about us so that's another reason we don't bother. DP does the minimum with her, calling on her birthday even though she ignores ours and our daughter's.

I would stop talking to and about him. Take him off your friends' list. If family asks why, simply tell them the truth. Eventually they will get the message.

PS: sorry your brother is such an ass.

Theia 12-11-2009 09:23 PM

You can't get anyone to grow up. Either he will or he won't. If he ever does it will have to be by his own choice. It sounds like your family is enabling him to continue his behavior. He says "jump" and they do. I agree with the previous posters. Maybe you can also talk to the rest of the family about how they are enabling his behavior.

proudmomof4 12-13-2009 01:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theia View Post
You can't get anyone to grow up. Either he will or he won't. If he ever does it will have to be by his own choice. It sounds like your family is enabling him to continue his behavior. He says "jump" and they do. I agree with the previous posters. Maybe you can also talk to the rest of the family about how they are enabling his behavior.
That pretty much sums it up IMO. If you're lucky the problem will solve eventually - maybe he'll notice at some point that a lot of people are avoiding him. If you're less than lucky he'll forever revel in his role - for your own sanity make sure that'll be his problem, not yours. (Just noticing: this is so much easier to tell people you don't really know than to apply it in your own life...)

sapphire_chan 12-13-2009 02:16 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by proudmomof4 View Post
(Just noticing: this is so much easier to tell people you don't really know than to apply it in your own life...)
The one time I got about a 1/16 as mad at someone as BabyGrant has the right to be mad at her brother, I sent them one email explaining why I wasn't speaking to them again then deleted them from several friendslists, their phone number from my phone and blocked their email all in about 5 minutes of deciding that associating with them wasn't good for me.

Interestingly about a year later she came through with some of the money and apologized. And I was able to help her find the LLL in her home city to get some breastfeeding help.


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