DP's Odd behavior, or maybe not??? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kateri83 View Post
He was an engineer, now he is in management. Long ago, he went to a training where he learned about keeping good records and I think there started the jotting down of everything. His records for work are mostly of the cover-his-own-butt kind, but he handles lots and lots of people problems and is responsible for many decisions, so I think he is just being careful.
so here you go. many people take notes. is he meticulous in other ways? anal-retentive? analytical?

i'm with those who say that note keeping wouldn't bother me. he uses code, so he wants to protect your privacy.

was taping a one-time thing? could be harmeless experimentation. it all depends on how the fight was resolved, and whether it was you who he taped.

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#32 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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If it was JUST the note-taking by itself, I don't think I would be weirded out by it all that much. But put it together with the recording bit, and now I am creeped out. Especially since both were done so secretively. Alot of the posts here who are saying its just like having a diary or journal are forgetting one very important fact. Usually you KNOW someone keeps a diary or journal. OP didn't even know this flash drive existed. He's doing these things behind her back.

AND, she found it in the washer! Which means it was probably in his PANTS, that he wore to WORK. That to me means hes reviewing and/or writing these notes AT WORK. WTF?!?!?!
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#33 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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You found it by accident and did what anyone would do, you tried to figure out what it was and who it might belong to. There is nothing sneaky or dishonest in that. The next step is to tell him you found it and ask what it's about. That's fair and reasonable. Maybe he just likes keeping notes, maybe he has some personal worry he's trying to work out, who knows. Recording you without your knowledge is, to me, super creepy and WRONG but maybe it's not related at all. You won't know till you just ask. I can't imagine having something like this - which could very well be NOTHING at all or something very big - hanging over me. I would have to talk about it.
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#34 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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I'd have absolutely NO qualms about telling him "I found this, and want to know what the deal is."

But then, I'm quite upfront and the last thought on my mind would be that it might upset him or hurt his feelings.

I absolutely think it's weird and creepy. It could mean nothing, but then again it could, as well.

If I were you, I'd go talk to him about it and see what he has to say.

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#35 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 04:28 PM
 
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I agree with PPs who have said that what you did was completely innocent; this was a flash drive, after all, not a leather bound book at his bedside with the words "journal" stenciled on them. You did not in any way open the files with the intention of invading his privacy. Now, some people may argue that you should have stopped reading THE MOMENT that you realized they were personal and they may have a point: I do believe that healthy relationships make room for the other person to have their privacy.

But there are two issues here: 1) you perhaps in a slight way invaded his privacy (for which you can apologize but I don't really even think you need to) but ALSO 2) right or wrong, you discovered things that disturbed you. You can't take that back. Your feelings about what you discovered are not invalid simply because you weren't "supposed" to read or find those things. The box has been opened; you can't pretend everything is okay and that you never read those files. It's done and now you have to reconcile your feelings about it.

Also, although I'd argue that he has a right to privacy and to keeping his journal, he does NOT have a right to record you (ESPECIALLY during sexual encounters) without your permission!!!! NO NO NO!!!!! This is so wrong and such a violation of trust. If it is something that turns him on, FINE--but he needs to be able to share that with you and make sure that it doesn't make YOU uncomfortable first.

I value my privacy and I know that I'd be mortified if people I loved read my diary (I love the Bridget Jones quote) yet, nevertheless, if I am going to judge, I find his record keeping a bit creepy, too.

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#36 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 05:43 PM
 
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If I were you I'd MYOB and stop trying to assign some kind of bizarre or "wrong" explanation to this behavior, and stay out of his things.
How is this NOT the OP's business? I could maybe understand that line of thinking about the notes, but recording a sexual act is absolutely her business. Either it was the OP on the tape, which makes it her business, or it wasn't OP (adultery) and that sure as heck is OP's business.

The notes aren't necessarily a huge red flag, but combined with the tape recording and (this is important) your gut feeling, I would look closely at this. Give him his flash drive back and tell him exactly what happened--you washed it and then checked it out to see if it still worked. You shouldn't have opened the files, I would apologize for that. If you'd rather that he didn't keep detailed notes on your sex life, I think that's reasonable to ask of your DH. If he balks--then I really don't know. That would seem like a respect issue to me.
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#37 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 05:51 PM
 
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i don't think the note-keeping is that weird. i would be honest that i found it in the washer and plugged it in to make sure it wasn't ruined. it is strange, but really not that creepy to me. i'd prefer dh to be into keeping records on our sex life than porn. i mean, at least it's keeping everything within the marriage. however . . .

i would say something like, "i respect your privacy, but i need you to respect mine. i feel like you're being careless by gathering all this very personal information about our sex life and taking that chance that someone else will find it (just like dd found the tape recording!) and i would be really embarrassed by that. if you must do this, please be more careful, and please don't bring it anywhere outside the home."
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#38 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 05:55 PM
 
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i was a bit weirded out by it maybe going to work with him. it is one thing to keep a journal even on a flash drive and keep it private... but you would think you would keep it someplace safe, like in your sock drawer, not in your pants possibly going to work. could it be a sex note sharing thing? like the code he and buddies use? i don't know. up front it isn't too weird, it could be "his thing" and he doesn't want to tell you for fear you will think he is weird for keep sex notes, but him maybe taking it to work... weird. his work notes and his sex notes should be on different flash drives. what if he handed that drive to someone to down load something and they took his notes.... yuck!

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#39 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 08:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by La Sombra View Post
I agree with PPs who have said that what you did was completely innocent; this was a flash drive, after all, not a leather bound book at his bedside with the words "journal" stenciled on them. You did not in any way open the files with the intention of invading his privacy. Now, some people may argue that you should have stopped reading THE MOMENT that you realized they were personal and they may have a point: I do believe that healthy relationships make room for the other person to have their privacy.
Maybe it's because I work in IT, but I DO consider flash drives private, and would never look at the contents without permission, even if I found it in my washing machine, since I would know whether or not it was mine.

I would be seriously ticked if I found my husband going through my flash drive. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it's an invasion of privacy like going through someone's handbag or diary.
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#40 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 08:15 PM
 
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Sometimes seemingly completely normal, straight-laced people have unusual or strange behaviors or fetishes. Not that I'm sure what normal is anyway. But maybe it's something like that for him, and it could be completely harmless in that way. Strange for you, yes, but otherwise good for him.

I do think because you are concerned about it and it seems that you have a honest relationship where you can openly discuss things.... then I would tell him how it all came about and how you feel. Then go from there. See what his reaction is before you assign any labels to his behavior. Because he did violate your privacy before, I wouldn't keep quiet about it.
I agree with this. But, my initial feeling is "creepy" too. I think you should start by asking him about it. I've been in situations where the explanation surprised me but made complete sense and took away my fears. And as far as MYOB...if it is my husband's business, it is my business, especially if it involves me directly (or indirectly which someone having sex with him while I was married to him and it being taped would be my business). Admittedly, if he had a diary, I would snoop in that. Don't flame me!
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#41 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 10:10 PM
 
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i don't think the note-keeping is that weird. i would be honest that i found it in the washer and plugged it in to make sure it wasn't ruined. it is strange, but really not that creepy to me. i'd prefer dh to be into keeping records on our sex life than porn. i mean, at least it's keeping everything within the marriage. however . . .

i would say something like, "i respect your privacy, but i need you to respect mine. i feel like you're being careless by gathering all this very personal information about our sex life and taking that chance that someone else will find it (just like dd found the tape recording!) and i would be really embarrassed by that. if you must do this, please be more careful, and please don't bring it anywhere outside the home."
I think this is put very well. Actually I don't know if I could elaborate on it actually other than to ask him what it is all about, for your comfort level. If you come to him calmly, maybe he will open up about it more than just being defensive.

But totally a red flag if he flips out.
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#42 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 10:36 PM
 
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Maybe he has some sort of obsessive compulsion to write these things out? (just one possible rational explanation)

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#43 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 11:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone for your responses. Reading all these different viewpoints and comments helped me so much. I felt much more ready to approach him than I would have had I not come here and received all this feedback.
I asked him to explain the log after I apologized for opening the files. He was not upset in the least and said apologizing was not necessary. He said he started keeping notes a few months ago. He said I was moody a lot and it seemed we were arguing often. During an argument I pressed him on a point wanting to know when something or other had happened. He could not answer me so he decided to start keeping track of our arguments or when I treated him poorly. Right after he decided to do this, things went back to normal and our sex life picked up. He said his argument tracking sort of just morphed into jotting down these other activities. He said the code was an efficiency thing. By the end of the conversation we were joking about secret sex pie graphs and powerpoint presentations he might be working on.
So, I think I believe him. It is something I don’t understand. I wouldn’t keep such records, but I guess that is ok that he did. He said he deleted it to protect our privacy and for my peace of mind. I have come across day planners and notebooks and random papers with his version of a diary written on them for over a decade. I was just really thrown for a loop this time because of the specific focus. I feel bad I saw it, but am so glad I am the one who found it and not one of his coworkers!
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#44 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 11:21 PM
 
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Maybe I am opening myself up for ridicule here, but I keep coded notes on mine and dh's sex life. Not as detailed as I once did, but far more than "normal" people do, I am sure. In my day planner. Which goes EVERYWHERE with me. When I kept a palm, I also kept them there (which means in two separate places, on my person nearly all the time). And that's not including the files on FetilityFriend and my paper versions of my fertility charts (which I also keep), in addition to the "take along" version of my chart and the actual "diary" diary.

As for the note-taking itself, I personally don't think that's weird. It's "his" sex life, and he has the right to record whatever he likes about it on his computer, on his calendar, on a flash drive - whatever. To me, "code" implies that the average person wouldn't be able to understand it (all? some? most?), which to me says that it's for his personal use/reference/to satisfy some internal drive to record information - LOTS of information, about LOTS of things, most likely. Just my perspective here, but sex is private, so I can see the value in keeping it on a flash drive (and thus, 99% of the time "on me") rather than on a computer where someone might stumble across it. If it was in his pants, you can bet that he's LOOKING for it. He may very well be waiting for you to say something about it.

That's my issue, BTW, OCD tendencies that manifest in data hoarding, among other things. It takes a lot of dedication to record every encounter, every position, how long, every location... which also suggests to me either an extremely analytical mind or a compulsion of some sort. Neither are necessarily "wrong" or "bad" - they just ARE.

As for the recording, if I read correctly, then that was some time ago. If this was me, and that issue has been resolved, then I wouldn't like to have assumptions made about the fact that I keep meticulous records of sexual activity turn into suspicions of violations of privacy right off the bat. If you made it known that you don't agree to that type of thing and he hasn't given you any indication that he's done it again, jumping right to that suspicion, while not unreasonable on your part, is not fair, IMO.

What's wrong with just being honest with him? "Hey babe - I found this and plugged it in to make sure it wasn't jacked up and found your lists... Can we talk about it?" Reiterate the previously laid guidelines about recording/video or whatever in the course of the conversation and chat about the things about this that bother you.

If he takes notes for a living, he may be keeping those notes for "fun" - if you're not "one of those people" then that may sound odd, but trust me, note-taking can be fun. Satisfying. Very satisfying... to check boxes or record one more day of info... It may be a control thing for him (projecting here... it is for me) or he may get totally hot by scanning past encounters with you (not projecting here, lol) - and that's NOT WRONG. I have records stretching back nearly 15 years with my dh. Sex with my dh makes me happy. Seeing that much "happiness" in our relationship makes me happy. Not deviantly so, but... secure-happy.

I agree with the pp who suggested that your embarrassment if it was found and decoded be a motivation for being more careful. He may be very upset with himself for "forgetting" to take the flash drive out of his pants before they went through the washer. He may not be interested in talking about it unless you bring it up because of the reaction he's afraid you might have (which a LOT of people share, as evidenced by the "OMG that's totally creepy" sentiments expressed by the majority of posters in this thread). It's embarrassing to have your "private" idiosyncrasies trotted out to be investigated, even by your spouse, especially when it's something that you know is not "normal".

My suggestion is to be honest with him about your feelings. You're entitled to feel how you feel, but recognize that he may be embarrassed (which may manifest as anger) and be respectful of his feelings, too. In any case, I feel that communication is MUCH better than suspicion.

Best of luck.

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#45 of 48 Old 12-15-2009, 11:22 PM
 
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Now I feel silly for a big long post, lol
I'm glad you guys talked.

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#46 of 48 Old 12-16-2009, 12:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, InstinctiveMom, for your post. It did give me a deeper understanding and help ease any lingering feelings of creepiness or confusion might be a better word at this point. Thank you for sharing, it was very reassuring to hear from someone talking from experience.
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#47 of 48 Old 12-16-2009, 02:09 AM
 
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My dh's first response when i asked him, Mr. Logic, was that yoru dh was in therapy. It sounds like it was his own version of therapy. good for him. Maybe we all need to see how our moods and arguments affect all areas of our lives. I could certainly benefit from this information. I'm so glad you went to to him quickly instead of letting it build in your mind.

Also, I have to point out that his personality type sounds like and i(N)tuitive Thinker (very rare type) on the Myers-Brigg personality typing. Reading the Myers- Brigg books or Keirsey's Please Understand Me II could be of help in understanding your dh and the relationship more. My dh is an INTJ, and efficiency is his mantra. Learning about personality changed our lives. I hate that I always bring this up in posts, but it had such a profound effect on our lives that I can't resist.
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#48 of 48 Old 12-17-2009, 01:23 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kateri83 View Post
Thank you everyone for your responses. Reading all these different viewpoints and comments helped me so much. I felt much more ready to approach him than I would have had I not come here and received all this feedback.
I asked him to explain the log after I apologized for opening the files. He was not upset in the least and said apologizing was not necessary. He said he started keeping notes a few months ago. He said I was moody a lot and it seemed we were arguing often. During an argument I pressed him on a point wanting to know when something or other had happened. He could not answer me so he decided to start keeping track of our arguments or when I treated him poorly.
He is such an engineer!

for a happy resolution
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