My brother and my 13 year old daughter - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I use to be very close to my brother. He was one of my best friends. And he has been in my daughter's life since she was born. Then 2 years ago my brother changed. He started acting very controlling and saying some very hurtful things to me. He got married about a year ago and has not changed. He continues to do hurtful things to my mother and to me. So around the time he got married I decided I would not stand for it anymore and pretty much ended our relationship after a very heated argument that lasted a couple of months. I have since told him that until he grows up and apologizes and quits acting like a jerk that we have nothing to say to each other. This was about six months ago. Since then I have heard nothing from him.
A couple of nights ago my 13 year old daughter checked her email and had an email from him. It pretty much said that he and his wife miss her and love her very much and that someday soon he wants to sit down with her and tell her the "real" reasons he is no longer apart of her life.
I emailed him back and told him that he absolutely will not be sitting down with my child and telling her anything. I have not heard back from him and doubt I will. Did I do the right thing? Does it seem strange that he is trying to communicate with my daughter behind my back? Should I tell him that since he is completely ignoring me that he is to not email my daughter?
I have told her some of the reasons why he is not apart of our lives right now. But I have not completely overwhelmed her with stuff that is really not her business and I have tried to keep the drama down in her life because I want her to have a happy, stable family life.

Suggestion?

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#2 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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I think what you did was reasonable. I find it odd that he isn't willing to try and communicate with you at all but wants to communicate with your daughter "behind your back". I really don't think you even need to tell your DD every detail as to what happened. You've shared some stuff and a simple " your uncle was really hurtful and really inappropriate and I'm not willing to communicate with him until he makes an attempt at mending some bridges". And I most definitely would not allow him to sit down with her and fill her head with whatever his version of the truth is. If he wanted to do that then he needs to be willing to do it with you there as well so that both sides of the story can be told.
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#3 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 12:16 AM
 
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Wow. I'd almost be tempted to file a restraining order. Yikes! That's seriously messed up.
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#4 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 01:27 AM
 
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Yes, you did the right thing.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#5 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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You did the right thing.
You are her parent, you've told her what she can emotionally handle.
You are protecting her space, her childhood from his drama.
I'd send him a certified letter telling him not to contact your child without your permission, return reciept. That way, he knows you are serious.

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#6 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 02:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maluhia View Post
You did the right thing.
You are her parent, you've told her what she can emotionally handle.
You are protecting her space, her childhood from his drama.
I'd send him a certified letter telling him not to contact your child without your permission, return reciept. That way, he knows you are serious.
Thank you for your response. I would love to send him a certified letter however he moved three hours away soon after he got married and did not leave my mother or me his forwarding address. This past summer my mom went to drop some stuff off for him that my grandmother had left to him when she passed and when my mom called and said she was coming to town and would like to come by his house his response was, "I will meet you somewhere." She asked him if she could come to his house because she really wanted to see it and he said no, he did not want her to come to his house, maybe later down the road.
My mom has been nothing but helpful, kind and loving to him and his wife.

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#7 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 03:43 AM
 
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I agree that you did the right thing. I would be concerned as to what his motives are. If he want's a relationship with your daughter he needs to clear the air with you first.

Ginny - single, homeschooling, cosleeping, AP, WAHM to 4 precious kidos - DS17, DS16, DD8, DS4
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#8 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 09:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RiverSky View Post
Wow. I'd almost be tempted to file a restraining order. Yikes! That's seriously messed up.


That is not normal. I would definitely be concerned.

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#9 of 10 Old 12-15-2009, 10:02 PM
 
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One thing I would add, is I would tell your dd as much as you think is appropriate for her - this is her uncle and at 13 I would expect to know why my unlcle was suddenly cut out of my life. Honesty and transparancy can go a very long way

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#10 of 10 Old 12-16-2009, 12:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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One thing I would add, is I would tell your dd as much as you think is appropriate for her - this is her uncle and at 13 I would expect to know why my unlcle was suddenly cut out of my life. Honesty and transparancy can go a very long way
I have told her as much as I think she could handle without going into all the sorted details. She does know why we do not see him anymore. She knows he has hurt me and her grandmother a lot. And I have told her that I am trying to protect her. He has also hurt her feelings in the past by saying not very nice things to her.

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