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#361 of 822 Old 04-03-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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I agree with journeymom. In a way, it's a part of the grieving process as you transition. Remember the goal of bringing all the hurts through that process - sadness, withdrawl, anger, etc - and finally to forgiveness and closure. Healing.
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#362 of 822 Old 04-03-2010, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Bunnyflakes,

I just read your blog, and wanted to comment but I don't have one of the login names.

Yes, real love is amazing. It is true. My husband and I are there, and we have a beautiful love story together. I recommend a book to you: When God Writes your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy.
Thanks, I am going to see if I can find it at one of the libraries

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No, you come across as totally ticked. You're transitioning from your old life to your new life! I bet you're going to find yourself getting angry a lot.
Yep, I am totally ticked off I never remember being really angry when I was married. I don't remember feeling anything but misery, actually.

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I agree with journeymom. In a way, it's a part of the grieving process as you transition. Remember the goal of bringing all the hurts through that process - sadness, withdrawl, anger, etc - and finally to forgiveness and closure. Healing.
I am going to start working on a letter to my STBX. Not to send, of course, but just for my own personal closure.

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#363 of 822 Old 04-03-2010, 08:58 PM
 
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^that is a great idea about the letter! I think I might do something like that. How is your day going today?

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#364 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 12:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am fine Thanks for asking

It is allergy season for me so I am pretty gross feeling My Dad put the window AC unit in today, that will help because opening a window is the worst thing for me.

You know, I have been angry a lot lately with STBX. I never stood up to him before. I just took what he dished out. Now I am starting to feel more confident. I am less tolerant to be treated poorly. I don't think I would let anyone push me around right now. Like my church, I was going to tell them how insensitive they were to me. I am glad I did it.

I am mentally working on a letter to STBX to just get it out, not to send. I would never send it because he would just laugh at it.

I hear rumors about him sometimes. The latest is that he has to move in to his brother's basement, because he is too lazy to get a job and is running out of unemployment. And that he has lost a ton of weight and seems to be stressed out all the time. And although this might make me seem bitchy or rude, in the back of my mind all I can think of is.. good I am actually happy that he is suffering. I suffered for over 8 years. I truly feel that it all came around and smacked him in the face.

And I never told anyone here this. But I saw him after he went to jail. I saw him in a restaurant and he actually said to me "Oh I need to fix our relationship. So we can get back together." I looked at him like he had 5 heads and I said "Um, there is no relationship! I am done!" And I meant it and I followed through with it and I have never looked back!

Even though he has e-mailed me and wanted to take me to dinner for our anniversary *seriously? WTF?* and he bought me a Christmas present

The world's smallest violin plays only for him

So at the very least, I am proud of myself

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#365 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 01:20 AM
 
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The world's smallest violin plays only for him

So at the very least, I am proud of myself
You are making me laugh lately. But I am glad that you are feeling better and the letter sounds like a great idea. And you should be very proud of yourself.
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#366 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 01:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow I am writing my letter to him and I can not post it here. It violates the User Agreement

But I will work on it more tomorrow, right now I am tired.

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#367 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can not believe I am about to go see "The Last Song" before reading the book. This goes against everything I believe in The movie will ruin the book for me. It is checked out of 5 libraries so the odds of getting it before the movie is gone are slim and my Mom really wants to see it. Guess I am going!

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#368 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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I really want to see that! It looks like such a cute movie! Let me know how it is! Happy Easter btw!!

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#369 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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Wow I am writing my letter to him and I can not post it here. It violates the User Agreement

But I will work on it more tomorrow, right now I am tired.
I would love to read it if you ever want to PM or e-mail it to me! I am going to start working on my letter to my STBX!

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#370 of 822 Old 04-04-2010, 08:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The movie made me cry. Not like, hysterical or anything. I kept having to dab at my eyes. My Mom is not ever allowed to complain about me anymore because I broke my hard and fast rule of never, ever going to see a movie before reading the book. She owes me

Okay, here is a copy and paste of the e-mail that I sent to my online friend who is acting sort of like my accountability partner:
*****************************************
Okay, I just cooked all of my meals for the coming week. So that makes it a lot easier on me.

Breakfasts for the week:
I am taking my box of Kashi Go Lean Crunch to work. I will supplement with Slim Fast if I run out of that. We have 2% milk at work.

Lunches:
All healthy choice:
Ravioli
bacon and smokey cheddar chicken
country herd chicken
roasted Monterey chicken
sweet and tangy chicken- hmmm, I must have been in a chicken mood when I went to the store I did not even realize that!
I am also taking a bag of steam fresh veggies to supplement with. I will add in a salad whenever they are served at work.

--- I know that I have high BP and I am not supposed to eat frozen foods, however, my doctor is okay with this because she feels that I need the portion control a lot more than I need the low salt. I will drink a ton of water to off set it.

Snacks:
Luna bars. Not sure how many I have, as they are at work. If I end up not having enough I will supplement with Slim Fast, string cheese and I think we are having raw veggies one day this week and possibly apples.

I will also take part in any fresh fruit work has to offer. I think my boss ordered a ginormous box of oranges and we almost always have apples around, too.

Dinners:
Okay so I made 5 total.

Two of them are Easter leftovers. A portion of baked ham, small, teeny tiny portion of leftover broccoli rice casserole and baked beans.

Three of them are a portion of grilled chicken that I added BBQ sauce too, 100% whole grain pecan couscous and steamed veggies.

Snacks at home can be 100 calorie sized bags of popcorn.

My goal is to AVOID AVOID AVOID any food that I did not either make myself, is not preportioned or that is not something that grows from the ground. I think this is a good plan for me because it will be easier to say “Oh, no thanks, I already have dinner ready for me at home" when my cowoker says "Hey, want to go to Wendy's?" Because, um, yeah, I sort of always want to go to Wendy's

Also it gets me out of never knowing what my Mom is having for dinner. Seriously, that woman is allergic to meal planning. Unfortunately neither of my parents were interested in the BBQ chicken and couscous, so I am going to end up with some repetition. But I have OCD anyhow so it wont be an issue for me to repeat. When I lived with B I meal planned a month in advance. But I hate not knowing what she is planning, and if I work out after work I get home too late to cook.

Okay, so it is supposed to be a gorgeous week here. Slight chance of rain on a couple of days. I plan to run at least three laps a day with the chickens. I also plan to take a walk after work at the park.

I also plan to at least go to the gym at work and see what they have down there. I don’t have to stay, but I just want to see what is in there. I will do that on my break.

So looking at my meals I think I have a good handle on veggies, proteins *although ham is not ideal, I didn’t really have anything else in the house*, good grains *except for the white rice in the casserole* and fruit.

I dug out my Sigg bottle and I will drink lots of water. My goal is to avoid soda this week. I don’t have it very often, but that stuff rots your teeth and I am hyper enough without caffeine.

Wish me luck.

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#371 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 08:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My computer has a virus on it again. I have decided not to spend a ton of time trying to fix it like last time. I can't afford to take it to the repair shop. It is my fault, I opened a CD up that STBX sent my Mom that said "J's files". Maybe he was right, I really am an idiot.

I feel very stressed out by this. Mainly because I am so freaking tired of bad things happening to me. I would love for whatever I did to piss God off so much to just do something really bad and be done with me. I know it is just a computer, but it is my only outlet to other humans and I can't use my parent's computer as much because they use it.

So yes, I can honestly say "God, I am beyond pissed off at You!!!!!"

I have run every freaking Malware and antivirus I having installed.

And please, no one PM me trying to help me fix it, I am not smart enough to fix it. The last time I spent over a week and a thousand tears trying to fix it myself. I can not put myself through that again. My birthday is in June, maybe I will get some birthday money from my parents and fix it then.

But I am so angry right now.

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#372 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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My computer has a virus on it again. I have decided not to spend a ton of time trying to fix it like last time. I can't afford to take it to the repair shop. It is my fault, I opened a CD up that STBX sent my Mom that said "J's files". Maybe he was right, I really am an idiot.

I feel very stressed out by this. Mainly because I am so freaking tired of bad things happening to me. I would love for whatever I did to piss God off so much to just do something really bad and be done with me. I know it is just a computer, but it is my only outlet to other humans and I can't use my parent's computer as much because they use it.

So yes, I can honestly say "God, I am beyond pissed off at You!!!!!"

I have run every freaking Malware and antivirus I having installed.

And please, no one PM me trying to help me fix it, I am not smart enough to fix it. The last time I spent over a week and a thousand tears trying to fix it myself. I can not put myself through that again. My birthday is in June, maybe I will get some birthday money from my parents and fix it then.

But I am so angry right now.
s I am stunned your SBTX put a virus to infect your computer. ugh. actually :vomit is the way I feel. If you change your mind about fixing your computer, please feel free to pm me. DH is a whiz with the computers and the "internets" and I am not. :eyeroll He can actually walk someone through fixing it.

Good for you re: letter to sbtx I would recommend burning it and just releasing all the energy into the ethos. This might be good in light of TM time... just get the energy out, and shed this relationship, and let's get ready for the next year!!

Love your meal planning for the week! I'm a sucker for Wendy's too - but I find a baked potato (with just a smidge of butter & scallions) and a salad hits the fix, maybe with a small frosty too

treehugger.gifAnd you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.treehugger.gif

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#373 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 04:24 PM
 
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First of all I just wanted to give you a hug. Second my STBX has put viruses on my computer and also stalked me online, gotten into all my different e-mail and board accounts and changed passwords etc. It has been beyond frustrating.

Second I am very impressed by your food schedule and exercise plan for the week. I am hoping some of your motivation will rub off on me. I really want to start losing weight!

I hope that you have a good day today. It is rainy and cold here. I hate days where the weather is bad, it makes me hard for me to keep a positive attitude!

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#374 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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Beautiful - wow! hugs to you too! To both you and Bunnyflakes - I'm sorry if I seem always a bit shocked or stunned by someone's actions. I meant no disrespect, its just so ... to hear what they have done and continue to do.

I'm just continually blown away by the strength you ladies have to rise above the awfulness inflicted by your stbxs. You are amazing women and are teaching me wonderful things with your insights about the human spirit.

treehugger.gifAnd you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.treehugger.gif

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#375 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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I plan to run at least three laps a day with the chickens. I also plan to take a walk after work at the park.
This is a great plan! Good for you!
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#376 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:13 PM
 
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Beautiful - wow! hugs to you too! To both you and Bunnyflakes - I'm sorry if I seem always a bit shocked or stunned by someone's actions. I meant no disrespect, its just so ... to hear what they have done and continue to do.

I'm just continually blown away by the strength you ladies have to rise above the awfulness inflicted by your stbxs. You are amazing women and are teaching me wonderful things with your insights about the human spirit.
Aww thank you. It is tough sometimes.

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#377 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am tired and cranky.

I am taking Thursday off. Dammit, I have never, not once had a day off in my time working at my current job that was not because I was sick, having surgery or because of weather. I have earned it.

I don't care if the whole place falls apart. No one is making me feel guilty about it, not when my coworker takes 3 weeks off at a time.

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#378 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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You should! You deserve it! Take a day to rest and pamper yourself!

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#379 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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I really think an occasional Mental Health Day is one of the most important self-care things we can do.
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#380 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am the only one in the world who would cry for 45 minutes because their computer had a virus

It is not the computer. I will just get on my parent's when I can. I have taken it over right now, actually It is just that I don't understand why the world wont stop crapping all over me

I just can't catch a break.

I am not 100% sure that it was the AH's CD, but it seemed strange that it happened right after I opened files on it. WHY did I do that? How stupid was that?

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#381 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 07:45 PM
 
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Don't feel stupid hon. I would have done the same thing!

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#382 of 822 Old 04-05-2010, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ktg- I might PM you with what my computer is doing. I shut it off last night and haven't turned it back on. But maybe your husband is smart enough to walk this clueless girl through it

I am having more and more doubts about going to church. I mean, I see God as a punisher. Like, sometimes I feel like I am being punished and I wonder what did I do so bad? Not that bad things don't often happen to good people, they absolutly do. (sp) I just feel like I really try my best to put good things in to the world, but I feel defeated sometimes. I will be better when the medical bills are paid off. I truly believe I will be better then, once I can have money to do more things. Right now I have $20 at the end of the month, and my freedom. I am hoping to one day have like, maybe $50 a month left, and my freedom

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#383 of 822 Old 04-06-2010, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My back is killing me. You have no idea. I might ask for a muscle relaxant when I go to the doc on Thursday.

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#384 of 822 Old 04-06-2010, 08:05 PM
 
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I am sorry about your back. How is your eating and exercise going? I am not doing too well yet. I need to get motivated!

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#385 of 822 Old 04-06-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear about your back. s and

DH hopes your computer is behaving itself once again!

I'll be back to type more soon... I have kiddos hanging from me and my arms.

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#386 of 822 Old 04-07-2010, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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KTG- my Dad unexpectedly took my computer to the repair shop. I was like "Um, where is my computer?!" when I went to look at it again after I got home from work. I guess he was tired of me using his So I don't know if your husband's info would have worked for me or not, but I am sure it would have had I had the chance to try it I still don't have it back yet from the shop. I hope Dad is also paying, since I am broke as a joke

Tomorrow is my day off

The most ironic thing happened to me today.

I am on my break at work and I look at my phone and I had a missed call. I had no idea who it was from. After work I called it, it was my STBX. Apparantly he didn't quite understand the judge when they told him he couldn't contact me for a year I asked him what he wanted and he said "Oh I was in the town you work in for a job interview and I wanted to invite you to lunch."

Like, what did he expect me to say had I answered? "Sure, what time would you like to meet?" Um.. no

I said "Oh I was outside when you called. Bye." Click.

Anyhow, the reason it is so ironic is because I am going to pick up the divorce packet tomorrow

I don't know how I am going to pay for it, but I feel like I really need to fill those forms out.

And my boss gave me permission to pick any color poster board I want from the supply closet to do my Treasure Map with I was shocked because she is always talking about how expensive those are, but she orders them in bulk And I am so broke that I could not justify spending money on a nice colored poster board from the office supply shop. So now I don't have to

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#387 of 822 Old 04-08-2010, 12:47 AM
 
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I loved your reaction to STBX inviting you for lunch. Lol. I hope he leaves you alone, he needs to take the hint!

That is awesome about the poster board! One more week until treasure mapping time! I am sooo excited! That reminds me, I want to PM you the TM that I did last year.

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#388 of 822 Old 04-08-2010, 12:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well crap. The problem with packing up a house after having surgery is that you can't remember what you packed.

So I can't take the papers in today because I am not sure if I have the tax documents from two years ago or not. It is going to take a few days to unpack the boxes I have here and go to the storage unit to see if they are there. If I do have them I will have them in a special box that I put my teaching license, my diploma, my portfolio, etc, in. So it should be here.

I guess I could send him an e-mail asking if he has them. But would he cough them up? Doubtful.

Oh well, the wind is not taken out of my sails, I will find a way to figure it out

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#389 of 822 Old 04-08-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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Good luck with finding everything!!!!

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Freedom~Mama is offline  
#390 of 822 Old 04-08-2010, 03:53 PM
 
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I'm sorry your back is hurting. And I hope that your stbx doesn't call you again. What a loser, he still thinks that he can pull you back in. He doesn't get it, game over, he lost!

I hope your Mom gets a clue. The way I see it, if your Mom wasn't communicating with stbx and accepting things from him to give to you, your computer wouldn't have needed to be fixed. I don't know how your parents manage their personal finances, but if you Mom has any money that is for her to splurge, get a haircut, or have a bit of fun with, the computer repair bill should come out of her account.

I hope you are enjoying your day off!
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