I'm so sorry to be responding so late, hope I can still be of help!Originally posted by strugglinmamai know he loves me, and that he doesn't think i'm stupid, or an airhead, or anything like that, but i know he thinks i do often *behave* carelessly, or lazily.
Other people's expectations are soooo hard to live with, especially if they are subjective. Everyone has different standards, and that is fine, and it is fair to expect compromise on those standards when two people choose to live together. But to assume that there is necessarily something wrong with the other person just because they do not meet your subjective
standards is just not right. For instance, my mom gets upset when my kids' hair is not washed and combed, or if they are wearing a piece of clothing with a food spot on it or something, or if they have dirty toenails.
: From my perspective, though, her worry about this is absurd. I mean, who do my children really need to impress? Does she think God really cares about these things?
So to him, going by his standards, your actions *appear* careless or lazy. But I would think it would be spiritually dangerous to make that judgement. Both of those words imply that you are making a conscious choice to be that way, as in, "I am going to be lazy and to hell with you if you don't like it!" This is a lot different from thinking to yourself, "I don't see the value in doing such-and-such and my time would be better spent doing something else that *is* valuable to me."i'm stuck in a role-model position for the young women, and i could be just like "hell with it, this is who i am", but he does so much counselling for our community, and he really helps people, and i don't want anyone saying anything about dh (like "how can he help us with anything when his own wife is so dopey?"). i feel stressed about that, i want him to look good, to shine, and i just feel that i don't really help that.
You cannot help other people making judgements about you. It is not your responsibility to conform yourself to what others would like you to be. It is your responsibility to treat people respectfully, and with love. You describe yourself as "very nice, loving, fun-loving, caring, generally positive kind of person." Why shouldn't that be good enough for the people your husband serves?my husband is very patient, but he's bo (born organized, flylady term), and super sensitive spiritually to all that energy stuff they talk about in feng shui. so when the house sucks, he's really irritable and not himself.
Oh, this is totally me. And my husband is totally the opposite. But you know, I just had to remind myself that *I* chose *him*, he didn't force himself on me. So it really is unfair for me to expect him to change his basic way of being, which is by the way just as valid as my own. So *I* take responsibility for things being the way I like them. I don't expect him to make it that way for me.i'm trying to change to make him happier, more comfortable, more sane, but it's really not coming from deep within me.
If it's not true (and I mean in the sense of real, genuine) then it's only going to be a superficial fix and won't work for you in the long run. This is not your fault though. You just have different ways of being.i always hated routine, totally undisciplined, and was really an 'artsy' kind of free-spirit person in high school, and college for mom's sake just kind of... well, was not healthy.
Agreed. Just a comment though, on the word "undisciplined" -- it seems like in this culture we have a tendency to believe that if one way of being (left-brain) is good, the opposite (right-brain)cannot be good and is therefore saddled with judgements like "undisciplined, lazy, air-headed", etc. Which is just hogwash. They are both valuable and valid ways of being, and good for different things. I'm sure that you can think of several derogatory ways to describe your husband that might be used in a culture that did not value his tendencies.i really think this is true. when in my care, my baby does fall occaisionally, get a little dirty, maybe a little bored, since i'm trying to multi-task (which i really suck at) to keep the house running at a bare minimum ... but i don't believe that it is a cause for concern in terms of serious danger.
Then it probably isn't. There is nothing wrong with falling, as long as it's not the kind of fall where serious damage could be done (like down the stairs), in fact it's ideal to allow people to make their own mistakes when learning something new. Dirt isn't bad, in fact it strengthens the immune system. Boredom isn't bad, it encourages people to cultivate their own creativity and initiative, which is stifled when everything is provided for them.
As for the multi-tasking -- that is a skill that is considered valuable in our culture. But not everyone is genetically wired to be good at it, because it has not always been a valuable skill. Life was once much simpler in some ways. You had to be on the look-out to make sure that a lion wasn't coming to eat you, you had to find food, you had sex, you tended to your baby, but usually only one thing at a time! To me, the fact that multi-tasking is stressful to me doesn't mean that *I* am inferior, it means that the system that I'm expected to plug myself neatly into is inappropriate! Our lives are really quite complicated, but partly because we make them so. Do they have to be?is there such a thing as "too much love?" bc when i got married, i was in love so much, and i had my entire soul invested in loving this man, that i couldn't function in doing anything else.
I think that's absolutely normal.
You are very lucky, some people never feel that. And remember, God made you able to feel that way for a reason. Shouldn't it be a thing to be celebrated and thankful for? (Anyway, you probably don't literally
mean you couldn't function in doing anything else? Surely you managed to remember to go to the bathroom, bathe, and put food in your body?
)i guess having a baby was supposed to bring me out of my non-funtional high state of 'being in love'.
Hmmmm. You know, having a baby is something like being in love, at least as far as the hormones in the body go. In both cases it is normal to be flooded with oxytocin ("the love hormone") which causes a change in consciousness, which is why a lot of women report feeling "absent-minded" in pregnancy and while breastfeeding. A different, positive way of looking at it is that it puts you in a higher state of consciousness, a more spiritual one, and at the same time more in tune with the primality of mothering. This is a good
thing, but some people who haven't experienced it may have a hard time seeing the value in it, especially if it takes you farther away from what they consider the "right" way of being in the world.i still have 'issues' about being a mom at this point in my life. pregnancy was unplanned, and even dh was bummed initially bc he worried if i would be able to handle a baby on top of not being able to handle a house. we both felt i should wait a few years, let me finally get to go to school and study what *i* wanted, and become who *i*wanted to be, but it wasn't meant to be. i got pg and pretty darn depressed throughout, and i would have dreams that the baby would miscarry, and i would actually secretly hope (Lord forgive me!) that the baby wouldn't come. i was that scared. i was scared that dh would love baby more than me, that i would never have private time with him again, and that i would never figure out who i am besides someone's mom, or someone's wife, or someone's daughter. (maybe that's my western culture speaking. i know plenty of folks from eastern culture who would not relate to that statement). also, motherhood is really hard for me, ds was super colicy, in the 2 years since he was born we've had sex maybe, 5 times *total*. i feel like the load of motherhood is bringing out all kinds of bad things in me, like anger, impatience, super irritibility, i even started using bad words, mumbling them to myself everytime something goes wrong, which is all the time, and the worst thing, a super-selfishness, for example, when baby sleeps, and i should be cleaning up the tornado wreck in the kitchen, i just want to escape and watch some sappy movies till i pass out.
A lot of us have dealt with this. It is really, really common, believe it or not. I agree with you that our western culture sets us up for this. It is SO hard to be a new mom in our culture, it a hugely difficult transition for most of us. But that doesn't mean that it will always feel this way for you. It takes time to make difficult transitions. Things will get easier. Your life will start to feel like something you recognize and like. But part of making this happen, I think, is in letting go of feeling responsible for fulfilling some culturally-mandated "ideal" of what your life should be, and finding your own natural, instinctive way to being a mother and wife and a person in your own right.