I am a single mama to the most incredible (nearly) 3 year old boy on the planet. (In my not so humble opinion
) I was able to work with him by my side at a few jobs that allowed children, and then as a childcare provider in my home for the first 22 months of his life, and although we were very poor financially, I was absolutely loving how much time I spent with him.
I thought that I wanted to go back to work in order to make more money to get back on our feet, and to also have some adult interactions (or more often anyway), so I got a full time job in a preschool/daycare. I am working with children his age for a bit over 40 hours a week, and my son is now in a different daycare for nearly 50 hours a week. There is no way to have him with me, as there is no space for him there. He will be attending my school as of June, but will be in a different room from where I work.
I have been working full time for a bit over two months now and am really starting to feel like it is not working, but at the same time, I feel like I need to suck it up and just keep at it. I am really starting to feel like I just don't click with the kids that I work with, and I also HATE being away from him for such long hours. I feel like I don't even really know who he is as a person anymore. I pray for sick days and holidays so I can just snuggle him.
My house is trashed because I can't bring myself to clean it up because I want to spend every second I have left over at the end of the day snuggling him and playing with him, and yet he is also driving me batty because I spend every waking second with 2 and 3 year olds.
I am honestly thinking about going back on state aid and working the minimum amount I need to get by (20 hours a week) and letting the state fill in the rest. I desperately want to be off the system, but I also am feeling like I just can't keep going. I am losing my son and hating myself for it.
I have very little in the way of job skills, so have no idea where else I could go. I drew blood for about 10 years, but never want to go back to that again. It is just too high stress for me with patients lives on the line. I also am only two classes away from graduating with a bachelors in Psychology, but I can't take classes and work full time as I learned last semester when I received an "incomplete" and a "C" as my grades for the two classes that I took.
I feel like I am losing it, when really I should be so happy that things are going so well. I have a secure job, my son is in childcare that he loves (although I don't like it), he will be in childcare that I love at a 75% employee discount by summer, I am making enough money to nearly be off all public assistance, and the hours are super flexible, plus I get a free gym membership which I desperately need to use.
What on earth is wrong with me??