I think I was sexually abused as a child- (I Was- Updated- #47) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 63 Old 07-02-2011, 12:45 AM
 
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OP- You are very brave and strong to have talked to your mom! I'm so proud of you- for doing that :)  You are really an amazing woman to know something is wrong,not quite know what and keep digging. I know many people that stop digging for answers- and that's sad to me as well.  I'm so sad that you were abused, and maybe now that you know you will be able to heal yourself. You are not Crazy- and now you know it for sure, you can start the road to healing. Many Blessings to all you that have been abused, your strength is amazing. 

 

I also wanted to say that having repressed memories really sucks. I have them and it's like having swiss cheese for memory :(  It's really really frustrating. My repressed memories are due to my Father dying when I was 9- and it was very traumatic. I still have symptoms of PTSD due to it, and my repressed memories are not helping it. 

 

Sending you lots of Love and Courage. Ypu are doing an amazing job, and I hope your future is much clearer and brighter because of the past being better understood. 


Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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#62 of 63 Old 08-28-2015, 08:24 AM
 
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Hi, after reading these posts of similar experiences I decided to join this forum and would first like to admit that I myself am not a mother, but have never come across a conversation that so closely resignates with what I have been realizing over the past few years. I seriously commend all of you lovely ladies for bearing your vulnerability and just spelling it all out, I'm going to try to follow suit as best I can. I'm not too sure where to start and now that I'm actually doing this I'm very shakey and apprehensive so please bear with me. I know from being told that my family moved to the house I grew up in when I was 1, and since I can remember my female neighbor and I engaged in a sexual relationship, I mean having desires and the know how to meet and fulfill those desires fr the ages of 1 till 1st grade. So about 5. I always felt ashamed of this and really didn't understand it. Especially now that I am older and have nieces and nephews I can't see how that desire and know how to fulfill it could have been possible at such a young age , or normal I guess. I don't remember how it started it just always wS until I went to 1st grade. I also remember (this is an embarrassing one) that I would excessively masterbait, like excessively at a very young age, idk the exact time frame but from 5th grade and younger. These things have never been repressed from my memory, I have always been aware of them and confused by them. But when I was about 19 I recalled 2 flashes of memory ( so not a whole picture) of instance with a family member when I was very very young, I can't say an age idk but I know how old I feel in b o th of the memories . In one flash I remember not wanting to "open mouth with pants down" but having to, also bending backwards over our couch in the basement while they did ? To me down there. Again very vague idk what exactly was done. Then in the other flash I feel older, and the family member said to me " it never happened and we are never going to talk about it" and apparently it worked cause I suppressed it for 10 plus years. I know it was after that the excessive touching myself began. So with this being all I have, which seems like a lot now that I spelling it out, and many tendencies I have had in later life such as massive depression, eating disorders , lots of trouble sleeping, distrust in men and other things I'm putting together, I guess I want to know exactly what happened! I have found much relief in realizing that things were don't that shouldn't have been that has caused a lot of my later struggle, it makes me feel not so crazy and damaged to have a cause. Then I have something to work with rather than " something is seriously wrong with me". Also now that I'm older and see children at the ages of 1-5 I can't fathom my behaviour at that age being normal. To have a sexual desire at 2 or 3 is one thing but to be able to fulfill that desire with someone else at such a young age is another. I feel deeply that something happened before to provoke that desire. I don't want to make assumptions and I don't want to point any fingers cause frankly my pain has nothing to do with the assailant now but rather I want to know to have a point of healing. Is that kind of behaviour so young normal in any way? I feel a violation must have taken place before hand, I need to remember!there is this. Burning ache in me to have a clear picture of what happened to me. I would appreciate any thoughts on the matter, or like expiriances. Thank you
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#63 of 63 Old 08-29-2015, 09:51 AM
 
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need2know23- First of all let me say that I think you are very brave for opening up about this. I know exactly what you mean about feeling "shaky and apprehensive". I felt the same way when I wrote my last post on here. So vulnerable and raw. What you describe of your very young childhood does not sound "normal" to me. I have a 3 year old, and I cannot imagine him having such knowledge at his age. The flashes of memory may become more clear as you feel more safe and are able to deal with what really happened to you. That was my experience. Over the course of about 5 years memories continued to surface until I had a more complete understanding of what took place, though there are still things I can't remember to this day. Listen to your feelings and emotions, don't try to brush them off. A big indicator is the way you describe feeling "damaged". I am so sorry you feel this way. You are beautiful and perfect, and should never have been made to feel this way! I felt that way for the longest time, like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I also struggled with depression, eating disorders, and nightmares. The more I was able to remember, the more pieces of the puzzle seemed to fall into place, like why I hated my breasts, and wanted my body to look like a boy figure-wise, and why I had such deep seeded trust issues. It seems to me that the same thing may be happening with you now. I know it is difficult, and frustrating, and messy, but the only way out is through. Don't try to force the memories to come, just give yourself space and time. It has been a long arduous journey for me, but I can honestly say that I am happier right now than I have ever been before in my life, but I had to go through hell before I could get to this point. You probably were not emotionally able to deal with your abuse before this time, and now you will have to feel those emotions like they are happening now. It is extremely painful, but it's the only way to move past it. While you are the only one that can delve into your own painful emotions and memories, know that you are not alone. We stand with you, holding your hand on this journey and hope that you are soon able to see your true self and the beautiful light that you have to shine.

Last edited by Gaoxing; 08-29-2015 at 10:05 AM.
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