LROM, thank you so much for the advice. I feel empowered if she does show up because I know what to say. Part of the problem during that lunch is it felt so weird, I didn't have words to express how I felt. It's usually not until I get away from the situation that I remember what I should have said and done.
I have to apologize, earlier (Jan 24th) I posted a response that included my friends e-mail response, all of the details were omitted but this was a no-no according to Mothering.com. My post was removed because I didn't respond in time to correct it (my e-mail had not been updated to the new one). I wanted to repost it without the e-mail, of course. Sorry about not paying attention to the rules. I really appreciate everyone's support on Mothering:
|Thank you for your support. I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who found her behavior inappropriate. The whole experience, some of it I couldn’t put into words, still shakes me up, and I wish I could find a way to get it out of my system. Fancyoats your experience borders on my friend and I appreciated the story.
When I got her e-mail in mid-December I was actually excited that my friend had come around. DH reminded me, "Remember that she was too involved." When I reread her e-mail I had a feeling this may be a ploy to see me / my son since I had been refusing her offers to baby-sit, visit, or have lunch. I guess I just wanted my friend back and wanted to give her a chance. Honestly, I sort of forgot some of her previous behavior because I have been so involved with my son. Here is the original post about my experience with her when I was pregnant: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1058078
I didn’t mention that the visit on Friday ended with me taking her back to work and DS screaming because he was hungry. She told him, “I promise you I’m not taking this personal. We’ll try again later.” We barely even said goodbye. I parked the car, nursed my son, and immediately called DH to tell him how upset I was and it was over between her and me. My husband, whose normally a mellow guy, was upset with her behavior, too.
I know this is not the last time I will hear from her. It maybe months but I know she’s not going away. I’m also certain that the next e-mail I get will be as though everything is fine, which would be just as inappropriate: wouldn’t you think that as pissed as she was that I wouldn’t allow her time with my son she would never want to see me again? My question then is what do I do? I totally agree that if I’m in doubt I need to go back and re-read this post. I should have done that with the first post.
Having my son makes it possible for me to walk away from our friendship. It’s one thing to act that way with me, but it’s not okay with my son. In fact, DH and I agreed if I ever did see her again my son would not be with me, or DH would go.
Part of me wants to write a letter that basically says we can’t be friends because you can’t see past my son. But I’m scared she’ll do something… show up at my house, take my son, shoot me?… okay, I’m thinking worse scenario, but that’s how extreme her behavior appears to have changed to me. So maybe it’s best to say nothing and ignore her.
I can relate to you, 100%. I have been there, and there is only one thing for you to do--get away from that woman asap.
One day I will write about my story. But for now, I'll just tell you the short version. I was friends with a girl in high school, and a few years later, our parents met up and actually got together. I lived with them, and so she eventually became my step sister.
When I got pregnant, she was very supportive. After my son was born, she would help out a lot. She would babysit for me, and buy him lots of toys.
And then, over the years, she became obsessed with my son. It was all very gradual, and I did not see. I just thought she loved him, like any good aunt would.
When I moved to NC, she was very upset. She would keep pressuring me to sign a custody letter, basically giving her custody of my son in case something happened to me and my husband. She bugged me so much about it that my husband and I would secretly joke about her "whacking us", or cutting the brake lines, etc. I mean, what lunatic would harass their friend about signing their child over, "in case they die"?
Things got worse and worse with her. She was so possessive over my son. When I would visit, she acted like she was his mom, and I was just the "egg donor". She could have cared less if I were there, and actually wanted my son all to herself. She would offer to babysit every time I was there, just so she could have my son. Being vague, or wishy washy is NOT the way to deal with this type of person. Avoiding calls and emails is not right either. They will not get the hint until you tell them to leave you alone. That's what I had to do, when my son was almost 6 and I couldn't stand things anymore.
Please don't let her around you guys anymore. I wish, wish, wish I could have "dumped" my friend a long time ago. Of course, since our parents are married, it was really hard to do this. But ck1, please take my advice. Please get away from your friend right now. I never thought this kind of thing could happen to me, and if I can help warn somebody else, then I feel I have not gone through this experience in vain.
"Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed, by the masses."
~Captain Hammer (j/k, it was Plato)
Did she maybe lose a baby recently? miscarriage or stillborn.
Regardless I'd keep my distance, just wondering...
Most of us who lose pregnancies don't want to be *near* babies or children. That "Rock the Cradle" movie was about as realistic as "Nightmare on Elm Street."
(In fact, I recommend that all you mama's read this book, because it has some very good advice.)
Very firm boundaries, including no contact if that is the only way to achieve the boundaries is definetly the way to go. Do you have any other friends in common? Are you concerned about the safety of other people around her? Her children?
My one question is I changed my e-mail address because we changed companies. One part of me thinks, great timing because my friend doesn't have my new address. But the other part of me thinks I'd better tell her so she doesn't stop by... but then, she has my phone number.
What do you think? I'm more for not giving her my new e-mail because it's another step toward disconnecting from this person.
My advice would be to cease all contact. If she knocks, don't answer. If she calls, don't answer, screen your calls. Drop off the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. DeBecker claims that eventually, in most cases, they back off with this method.
Christ-centered loving wife & mama to 2 miracles! One & one . We live simply and mindfully. Expecting another blessing Feb 2015
Jenna ~ mommy to Sophia Elise (1/06), Oliver Matthew (7/07) and Avery Michael (3/10)
Wading slowly and nervously into this homeschooling thing.