Writing a letter to emotionally abusive mother - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 34 Old 12-15-2013, 02:22 PM
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Hello. I read your piece in the article. My mother and I have always had a tumulous relaltionship. I want to go to couseling but I know she wouldn't go and if she did that would hurt so bad, I love her, but I dont think I could ever hope of having a relationship with her if she told be no because that WOULD really prove to me that She doesn't love me very much. I know I would go for her.


Thanks for letting me vent. :meditate



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#32 of 34 Old 12-27-2013, 06:37 PM
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Tigerchild, it's so lovely to see you still here.

Since actually having children I have neglected to come here much as I would like and it is great to see you, your advice is worth gold.

Jonathan911, excellent advice as well.

OP: I just wanted to say you have my sympathy.

Write the letter but don't send it. Have a serious sit down with yourself and figure out your boundaries.

Establish them and stick to them. Keeping things superficial is safer when dealing with emotionally abusive parents.

Take Care.


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#33 of 34 Old 05-25-2017, 01:53 PM
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Lightbulb Letter to my mother

I went into shock when I realized why my mother behaved the way she did. The shock of discovering so much about her, discovering how she had used projection and triangulation and a smear campaign to abuse and manipulate everybody in her life, especially my brother and me. I live a life of not being able to get people to hear me, to understand the truth. She is incredibly convincing and charming...but if people don't give her what she wants...her true colors will fly out.

No words can express the emotional and physical shock I have endured this past year as I finally reached out to family and friends and uncovered a HUGE amount of information and I didn't realize how she had been controlling every relationship until each person spoke to me. So many people with similar stories...I finally understand why she has never lived in one home for more than 2 years. Why she has never been able to sustain relationships and I can identify the symptoms she has displayed. For years she has gone around talking about me...describing me yet she is really describing herself. She projects onto me, I am the scapegoat...and still it is so awkward to see how people take her stories at face value and obtain an opinion of me without even meeting me.

I love my mother. I understand my mother. I suppose I understand because I am a psychology major and because I know her history. I don't excuse her, but I don't hate her for what she has done. Loving my mother doesn't obligate me in any way. And yes, I am still healing and growing and working on breaking free from Trauma Bond. Each day I am growing. I have grieved the loss of the mother I thought I had. Having to come to terms in knowing that she never existed and accepting the reality that my own mother has purposely inflicted such devastation against my siblings and me...and not only us...but MANY others we have cared about. We have been secluded, isolated, made to fear talking to one another, lied to and lied about AND NOW...we all have pushed through that fear and started communicating with each other and the truth has been exposed. It is both heart wrenching and liberating at the same time. I can't have the mother I wanted or needed...but I can be that mother. My life is forever changed since I have been No Contact with my mother. Hasn't been a full year yet...I tried a couple of times...but the Stonewalling is in effect. She is punishing me for assisting my brother. I can't unlearn...but I can use my story to help others. I will not be of the victim mentality! I choose to heal, I choose my life....ONLY I GET TO DEFINE ME! Hence, I am writing my book called "Defining Me/ a victim no more"

Learning about forgiving and realizing that I was not obligated to have her in my life was a very freeing moment. When it hit me about why we forgive, how we forgive, that I define me and I make the choices on how I am to live, I wrote this letter...
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#34 of 34 Old 08-09-2017, 08:04 PM
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People rarely understand when someone has a narcisistic, borderline personality or nasty mother. They make excuses for her or insist that she meant well and you misunderstood. Very difficult to deal with. Most people have no idea of what is like to have a hard or abusive mother so they assume you must be exaggerating, lying, imagining things or nasty yourself for saying it. But there are a lot of mothers who are abusive either deliberately or through neglect.

You can find out a lot about a person, any person, with their full name and their date of birth, it is great if you want to know about a potential lover or husband or business partner before taking that leap ! But why not also do it about a mother? Maybe there are signs of this or that problem and it can be a warning for you. You can find out a lot about this here click here but the trouble is that your mother is your mother and nothing can change that whereas if you are considering getting married or being with someone the main reason you are checking them out is to decide whether or not to say yes or no, and if you say no move on to another person. You cannot move on to another mother, if only you could eh?
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