Does it sound like I'm in an abusive relationship? UPDATED Post 162 - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-26-2010, 05:12 AM
 
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I have an apointment to look at an apartment tomorrow evening, my partner is angry at me and I am hoping everything goes smoothly. We just haven't been talking to one another. Well, I ask him how his day was and pick him up from work and cook him dinner still.

Another thing, my parents are very supportive of me and I asked them if they'd help me out with buying a car if I left (I didn't go into detail). They are doing well now and she said of course, she is even talking about buying a revenue property since the mortgage rate is so good and letting me stay in a home they buy (paying the mortgage of course). I just need the courage, so I am going to pray.
This is great I am really glad that you are making plans to get out. Just stay strong and keep coming back here for support. I've been following this thread and I just want to say this made me so proud of you!!!

I know how tough it can be to get out. But you still have a little guy in your life and I promise focusing on him and you will be much more gratifying than life has probably been as of late.


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Old 02-26-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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I am very happy to see you are making the efforts to get out and get safe. For you and your son.

I want to reply to your comments about your son "only" being two, and witnessing the fighting.

Any child psycholigist will tell you this is a VERY critical age for behavioral development. Children are like sponges. They absorb EVERYTHING they see and hear, especially from the two people who are most responsible for their upbringing, the parents. I don't want to answer for StormBride (but I have a feeling I know what her answer to your question might be) I think what her son witnessed as a small child has darned near everything to do with the quirks she mentioned he has now at the age of 17. (StormBride, if I am way off the mark, please just put me in my place ) I am very conscience of my interactions with my husband around both my kids. My first son is your sons age. When we are having an argument, and our voices begin to get a bit louder (due to frustration) He immediately tells us to be quiet, or says,"NO mama, no dada! STOP IT!". HE UNDERSTSANDS ITS NOT A POSATIVE CONVERSTAION. At which point we both know to be calm and relax. Now I am not saying your son should never witness an argument. Thats not reality. Children need to see people, especially their parents, having bad moments or disagreements. Thats life, and sheltering them from that will only hinder them as they get older. We can't allow them to think that the world is full of roses and puppy dogs and no one argues. What kind of shock to their system would it be when someone is mean to them? How would they know how to respond? But I digress......

My point is that at TWO, your son is very aware of the enviroment he is in, and even if he wasnt, where should we draw the line? 3?? 4?? Where does that threshold become crossed where it starts to effect his personality and decision making, you know?

It sounds as though you have a mountain of support from family and friends. I would take it and run with it. There are so many mamas here who are trying to leave and have NO support of family. My heart breaks for them everyday and every night. I pray for them EVER DAY!

Please keep us posted on how your doing. As a PP mentioned, this is a critically dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Be careful, stay safe, and STAY STONG! You deserve a life of love and support for you and your son. Get it wherever you can.

Peace to you!
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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This statement concerns me. What would you do if someone told you that in person? I hope that you are able to leave and get the help that you need to create a positive environment for your child

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Old 02-26-2010, 12:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LOL, what would I do if someone said that to my face, in real life? That I am going to royally screw up my child? If it was a stranger? Hmm, let's see. Give them a dirty look and walk away? There.

I would not hit anybody at all, I never have-except my husband when we were fighting. Oh and this one time when I was 16 and this girl tried to fight me, I pulled her hair really hard and then got away. Unless my life was in danger and it never has been, except maybe when I was fighting with my husband, maybe it was then.

But seriously, I just don't like how things can be said that I find rude on the internet because of the anonymity. I get that that's sort of the point, I get it. But it still is my life we're talking about, and if I was told that in real life? Wow, I don't think anybody would say that but maybe tell them I appreciate their opinion and walk away. I get wrapped up here in the heat of the moment when people say things I percieve to be insulting me and my family, maybe that that's why we talk here because it's easier to say what we really think.

Annnnnnyway...

I was planning on looking at an apartment tonight and he found out, I just feel badly because I had made up my mind but then I second guess myself and he said I am playing him in order to continue to use his car and whatever. I am worried if he finds out I am leaving, he might not let me use his car and he might be really rude to me. He might not let me use his computer either, everything in this house that has material substance, he bought us. So, March 1st, I have to make up my mind. I just feel so badly when I think of him all alone. I worry about him and my best friend thinks I should stay, I didn't tell her about the abusive aspect though but I might.
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:40 PM
 
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I was planning on looking at an apartment and he found out, I just feel badly because I had made up my mind but then I second guess myself and he said I am playing him in order to continue to use his car and whatever. So, March 1st, I have to make up my mind. I just feel so badly when I think of him all alone.
DONT!!! Your not his mommy. Hes a grown man.

The pity party and guilt trips are more evidence of abuse. GET OUT!!! Take your mother up on her offer and GO!
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DONT!!! Your not his mommy. Hes a grown man.

The pity party and guilt trips are more evidence of abuse. GET OUT!!! Take your mother up on her offer and GO!
Thank you for the quick reply! I know I'm not his Mother but I still feel badly for him, I see his vulnerability and... I just want to take care of him! Isn't that bad?

It will take time for my Mom to buy a home, probably more than a few months and we have to make sure I could afford the payments and stuff. My best bet is to wait until April when I've saved up my paycheques and get a small apartment for my son and I.

Thank you so much for your encouragement!!
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Isn't that bad?

It will take time for my Mom to buy a home, probably more than a few months and we have to make sure I could afford the payments and stuff. My best bet is to wait until April when I've saved up my paycheques and get a small apartment for my son and I.

Thank you so much for your encouragement!!
No, its not bad. But he doesnt appear to be a man worthy of being "taken care of" (Emotionally of course). But you also have to understand that Taking care of someone emotionally is NOT YOUR JOB. If he has emotional baggage which is effecting his ability to act as a loving, healthy father and partner, then he needs to seek help for that and you need to seperate yourself and your son from the situation in the meantime.

I honestly am worried about your well being now that he knows you were looking for a seperate place. Is there anyone you and your son could go stay with? Sometimes its really hard to see how serious the situation is when your on the inside looking out.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to say, I read that cycle of abuse and it describes us perfectly. This stood out:

- Withdrawal from real life into an alternative reality - perhaps the Internet

I wouldn't say I've withdrawn into the internet, but my alternative reality is religion. I do believe in my religion but I have become obsessive with it, I listen to sermons all day long when I am home and trying to get through another day. I just keep listening to sermons on Christian woman and remind myself I need to be a good wife and just do better, love him more, treat him better. He is not religious at all, so I have just been consuming myself with praying, reading religious books and just talking to God every day about it. I am not putting down faith at all, just saying, maybe I am using it as a shelter from him. I think of all of the people in the bible, how they got through hard times and I am feeling like Paul in prison with only God to comfort me but my prison is a mental one.

Anyway, I am not afraid of him. He has told me if I ever cheated, he would "kill me" but I don't think he really would, he's just saying that because he is a jealous man and that is not the issue we have now. He will ignore me, not let me have a car to drive, maybe not let me use the computer, put me down to my son maybe. Ugh, yes I let my son watch Elmo a lot but that doesn't make me a lazy parent, honestly. I know how to not get him mad enough to touch me but it means letting him say whatever he wants and listening to him when he tells me I can't drive the car or use the computer.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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ok, this will hopefully be my last post to you today, because I feel like I am starting to sound like a broken record.

GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!

The more you post, the more I dislike your partner. Hes putting you down TO YOUR SON!?!?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!?!

And you dont want your family to know because they love his so much!?!?!

Honey, he is destroying you, and he will destroy your son. GET OUT. Move in with a friend, move in with your mom, other family. Get to a counselor, and do your best to repair the damage he has already inflicted on your self esteem and self worth. And stop feeling bad for him about leaving. I know thats easier said then done, but once you seperate yourself from him for about a week (NO CONTACT AT ALL. If he wants to see your son, have someone else come with you or be with you during transfer, but NEVER be alone with him) Your head will start to come out of the fog he has had you living in, and you will see how what we have all been talking about.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:55 PM
 
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Jumbled ideas:

* Yes. You should get out. NOW.

* Kudos for making the first steps, and looking into apartments! It's difficult but necessary. Look into Single Moms forum for support, I bet they'll have great advice for you.

* Your son will be 1,000 times better outside of abusive marriage, for his own happiness and moral development.

Side note not directly for OP, as much as in general: yes, it is just as wrong to hit a man as it is to hit a woman. It is damaging to the children to watch their parents interact in violence, no matter who initiates it mom or dad. The impression that it's more okay for women to strike than for men makes me super furious (I don't care how much smaller the woman is, YES it is hurtful and outrageous all the same).

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I'm not trying to take shots at your age, but the way you react to these comments (about screwing up your son) doesn't speak to a great level of maturity. (I'm really not trying to be insulting - I have a tendency to react immaturely to certain criticisms, and I'm 41!) Nobody was saying that you're immature - they're saying you're young. You are. Being young is not bad, nor is it good - it just is. Being young, just like being middle-aged or being old, has its pros and cons. One of the cons is, frequently, a lack of perspective.

As to the thing about screwing up your son...you and your partner are teaching your son that it's okay to curse women out, to smash them into walls, and to hit them (as long as it's not in the face). So, yeah...that's screwing him up. Nobody is trying to be mean or nasty or judgmental. We're just calling it as we see it. This whole abusive situation does not just involve you and your partner - it also involves your son.

Seriously - picture yourself 20-25 years from now. What are you going to say to a future DIL who charges your son with assault?

As for your stuff about being a good woman...being a good woman doesn't mean "taking it". It doesn't mean trying harder to be nice to someone who is hitting you. It just doesn't. Bending over backwards to be a "good woman" to a guy only works if he's being a good man to you. This one is not. This one is abusive.
Yup to all of this, especially the bolded parts. Get out and stay safe. For your own future and for your little boy!

New endeavor coming soon...
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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please get out of there!!! Yes, this is very abusive and you are in danger.

With one hit, you could get killed. You can not fight off that man without a weapon, fact. He's got you beat by size and muscle mass.

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Old 02-26-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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Thank you for the quick reply! I know I'm not his Mother but I still feel badly for him, I see his vulnerability and... I just want to take care of him! Isn't that bad?

It will take time for my Mom to buy a home, probably more than a few months and we have to make sure I could afford the payments and stuff. My best bet is to wait until April when I've saved up my paycheques and get a small apartment for my son and I.

Thank you so much for your encouragement!!
You feel badly for him???? He is an adult and his actions have to be owned by him. It does not matter what kind of a wife you think you have been. It does not matter if you believe if you were only a better partner or if you are nicer to him then things would be better. They would not. He is a control freak with a serious problem. There will always be something that will set him off even if you are perfect. He will find something. You need to leave today! Go to your mother and tell her what is going on. If she won't let you move in with her then tell a friend what is going on and see if you can move in with them. Don't take calls from your partner, don't tell him where you are. Have no contact. People in loving, healthy relationships do not ever behave this way. If you stay you can mark my words he will eventually hurt you to the point that you will need to be hospitalized or you will be killed.

And yes, if I knew you in real life and knew about your situation I would have no problem telling you that you are going to screw up your child if you stay in this kind of environment. I work with children in foster care that have been taken away from their parents due to domestic violence and the wounds they carry are real and they have lasting damage from the things they witness their parents do to each other. You need to stop this cycle of abuse today for the sake of your child.

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Old 02-26-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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STORMBRIDE: Thank you for your insight, do you think it is anything else that could have affected your son? Or do you sincerely believe it is him witnessing the violence in your home?
Our home wasn't physically violent. It was emotionally violent (don't know if you're familiar with that or not). The aspects of ds1's personality that I'm talking about are probably partly genetic. But, I have no doubt that they're also partly from watching his dad get away with completely unacceptable behaviour for several years of his childhood.

It would probably take hours to track out what I'm talking about in type, and would take too long for anyone to read it! This kind of thing can manifest in really confusing ways. Ds1 is honestly one of the most...balanced...people I've ever met. He always was. He seems to have been born with more...savvy?...than many people ever develop. It's hard to explain - he was just always exceptionally capable of seeing through things (emotionally grasped the difference between fiction and non-fiction at a very, very early age, always grasped that the way his dad dropped out of his life was about his dad's issues, not a reflection on him as a person - stuff like that). This particular trait is very unusual, ime, and has carried him through a lot of crap. But...I'm his mom, yk? I know him. He's definitely carrying some stuff from his childhood, and it does have a negative impact on some of how he interacts with people. He learned some unhealthy habits as a child, because his dad and I modeled them for him every day.

Your son is only two. My son was seven when his dad and I split up. I think you have a good chance of raising him without his father's approach, if you get him away from it now. At the very least, he'll see that what's happening in his home right now isn't healthy.

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Old 02-26-2010, 03:34 PM
 
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I come from an abusive home. I was abusive. It takes will to change YOU. You need help. You cannot change him. Work on yourself. Stay out of relationships until you have learned better. Learn why you act this way and was attracted to the chaos. My mom is still emotionally and verbally abusive. She doesn't see how she is repeating the cycle. It is very possible that you are an abuser while being abused. People can and do change but they want to. You can fix you but not him.
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:33 PM
 
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fwiw, I was 3 years old when I remember seeing my grandfather punch my mom in the face. I remember her getting me dressed in a hurry, crying but not loud, only tears, and going over to *L*'s house, my moms friend. They put ice on her eye. I was younger than that, I don't know the age, where I remember him yelling, and my mom and I were in the bedroom, and my mom told me to be quiet and not to get near the door. I remember she had the dresser moved by the door. I could go on and on, but traumatic things are remembered by little ones.

Do you have any close friends that would help you pack up and leave. I know you said that you don't feel it's a problem, that you could just pack up and go. Please don't trust your own judgement on this, it's better to be safe than sorry ya know. I would help if I live close, I'm in FL.

I don't type anything I wouldnt say to someone in real life so to speak. If you wait, you are waiting to be hit one more time. If you leave now, thats one less injury.

I've been thinking about you all day, I hope and pray that things will be okay. I also agree that maybe counseling will help you, not for being "abusive" but for being a victim!! You are the victim. I believe that with every ounce of my being. If this is the 2nd abusive relatonship, you might want to explore the reasoning of why you have the attraction to abusers, their personality kwim.

When I was younger, I was attracted to abusive relationships, and my rebuttle was " I don't want to be treated like a girl, I can hit like a man too" I was also suffering from PTSD come to find out. Anyway sorry for the book, I just want to help. Hugs!

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Old 02-26-2010, 06:07 PM
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Just want to chime in here and say that I was raised by an emotionally abusive mother. She was on the moderate end of the scale, but it has taken everything in me to stop the cycle and treat the people in my life with respect. And yes, for the longest time I thought the only right thing to do was to take care of everyone else, including my mother. It's how she trained me to always love her because she was too maladjusted to love herself. I thought that if I did everything to please her, one day she would turn around and love me like I wanted her to. So for the longest time, I thought people would only love me if I did everything I could to make them happy. I have years and years of not taking care of ME to work through.

So yeah, witnessing physical or emotional abuse teaches your children that that's how you interact with people. You need to get out NOW. Maybe you can fix the relationship, maybe not, but I don't think it will get fixed by staying there.

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Old 02-26-2010, 07:21 PM
 
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He has told me if I ever cheated, he would "kill me"

<snip>

He will ignore me, not let me have a car to drive, maybe not let me use the computer, put me down to my son maybe

<snip>

I know how to not get him mad enough to touch me but it means letting him say whatever he wants and listening to him when he tells me I can't drive the car or use the computer.
There is no question that you're in an abusive relationship. Get out - yesterday.

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Old 02-26-2010, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I honestly never would have really done anything to leave. It is very embarassing for me to tell anyone the situation in real life and I still don't know if I will.

I am staying here, I am not afraid of him. If it gets very bad, I will stay at my parent's. I have to pick him up and am not looking forward to it, he is going to be so angry but I know he won't get physical, it's just not how he normaly is. I will keep you posted, thank you so much for all your wonderful insight and sticking with me even when I've gotten mad at you.
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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I have to pick him up and am not looking forward to it, he is going to be so angry but I know he won't get physical, it's just not how he normaly is. I will keep you posted, thank you so much for all your wonderful insight and sticking with me even when I've gotten mad at you.
No, you don't know that he won't get physical. He is unpredictable. He can snap at any time. If you won't help yourself no one can help you.

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Old 02-26-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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Thank you so much for your encouragement. I honestly never would have really done anything to leave. It is very embarassing for me to tell anyone the situation in real life and I still don't know if I will.
You're not the one who should be embarrassed by this!

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Old 02-26-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I honestly never would have really done anything to leave. It is very embarassing for me to tell anyone the situation in real life and I still don't know if I will.

I am staying here, I am not afraid of him. If it gets very bad, I will stay at my parent's. I have to pick him up and am not looking forward to it, he is going to be so angry but I know he won't get physical, it's just not how he normaly is. I will keep you posted, thank you so much for all your wonderful insight and sticking with me even when I've gotten mad at you.
I've been in your situation and totally know what you mean. But try to imagine if it were someone else in your family and how you would think about it. You would want to know, you would want to help, and you wouldn't think less of that person. In fact, you would probably be impressed by their courage and honesty. It is totally your choice whether you tell the people in your life, but I really think it would help you, and it would help them to understand why you are doing what you are doing. You do not have to tough this out on your own! Please consider it.
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Old 02-26-2010, 09:13 PM
 
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It is hard to come out of the DV closet. That is how I felt about it, anyway. I felt like I had created this fake life that people thought was so good and so together. But in reality, everything was crumbling at my feet. It was hard to tell people. The questions were the worst. People can be very insenstive, I think. But just know that you have not done anything wrong, and that you deserve to be supported.

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Old 02-26-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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I just wanted to wish you luck and courage. It is a hard road, I know.

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Old 03-01-2010, 02:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey guys

I need your support again. I was pretty ready to leave and put my notice in tomorrow but here's the thing. I talked to two of my closest friends who give me solid advice and they were both like, worried I'm rushing into this. I told them that we are both abusive and that we kick and hit eachother once in a while. Still, they were concerned for my son and that I'd like, regret it.

The only friend who I talked to who seems the most "supporting" of the decision is the one whose life is kinda... messed up recently and the least... you know, the least I'd expect to give me the solid advice. She just didn't give me any and just listened, you know.

So, I don't think I'm going to put my notice in tomorrow. I think I might give it a month. Things are going good and I don't want to hurt my partner, I would feel like I was playing with his emotions. One minute I'm going, one minute I'm staying, etc. etc.

What do you think, if I'm positive I'm safe is that a good idea?
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:54 AM
 
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This may sound harsh but you I guess you need to hear it again. You are so back and forth, back and forth. You need to leave. How many times do you need to hear that? You are in a bad relationship, it is not going to get better without major therapy on both your parts. From what I can gather from your previous posts your partner is very controlling, possesive and jeolous. That is not going to change overnight. And you need to quit worrying about his emotions. When was he worrying about you while he hit you, and called you all of those horrible names? You need to take your baby and go home to your mom.

Lisa
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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That's okay, it's not harsh. I just don't understand how people who don't know him say all of these things but people who I've talked to IRL who know him tell me they don't think I should leave, pretty much, anyway.

I don't want to stay with my Mom, I would get an apartment first.

Thank you for your reply...
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
When was he worrying about you while he hit you, and called you all of those horrible names?
It's not his fault he turns his frusteration outward to me and he doesn't mean to hurt me, if he does then he is very sorry after.
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:04 AM
 
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I would still leave. I'm only saying that because I am on the outside now. I tried to leave my now X several times before I actually followed through. Abusive relationships don't get better without serious work on both partners parts. Maybe you are in a "honeymoon" period with your husband right now, but you know it won't last.

You can tell him that you won't come back until both of you get real counseling. None of this, "I promise it will be better. I love you, I miss you and want you back. Just trust me, we can do this. Don't give up on US yet." Anything like that is just a bunch of nice words meant to make us feel better. If your relationship is salvageable, it is not something that you can do on your own.

And once on the outside, you might not want to return, even if he makes an effort to go to counseling. I think you should give yourself space, in a safe environment, to take the time to consider what you really want.
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy View Post
It's not his fault he turns his frusteration outward to me and he doesn't mean to hurt me, if he does then he is very sorry after.
I only saw this after my last reply.

E.v.e.r.y.o.n.e gets to choose how they respond to any given situation. You are totally speaking of the cycle of abuse there. Have you been to any sites like drirene.com?

And if you met my abuser, you would be charmed I am sure, I was. He is attractive, intelligent, and a bit on the shy side. He had a great group of friends that I don't think would have been supportive of him if they knew the truth of our relationship.

Abuser's generally don't present themselves as abusers, otherwise they would have a more difficult time finding victims. These people who "know" him, don't know him like you do. What happens in ones home can be very different from the picture we present to the rest of society.
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