Does it sound like I'm in an abusive relationship? UPDATED Post 162 - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 165 Old 03-07-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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#152 of 165 Old 03-08-2010, 10:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The plan is in motion, I have put in a notice to my landlord for April 1st. My partner is actively searching for an apartment and my parents are searching for a house to invest in that I can rent. I will be staying with them the month of April and putting my furniture in storage.

Partner is playing dirty but I expected it. I had to walk to and from work on Sunday, which took me 30 minutes each way. No big deal but I did end up working an hour of overtime and there were no buses running. I mean, I work at a physicaly demanding job so that was a little cold on his part. However, it has just confirmed my feelings that he can be a cruel man and I wish him nothing but the best in his future. Unfortunately, he refuses to talk to me about anything but that's all right-maybe it's for the best.

My friends and family are supportive of me and I see light at the end of the tunnel. Thank all of you for everything, you may have changed someone's life just by typing.
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#153 of 165 Old 03-08-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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I am so glad for you. In many cases women have found it easier to have little or no contact after they leave, so it probably is for the best that he isn't willing to talk. If things escalate, don't hesitate to get out before April 1st. You don't have to stay until then, physically, you know.

I am glad you found the strength to do this. It will change your life and the life of your DC in ways that you would probably even have a hard time imagining at this point. Just keep to your plan, and be sure to ask for support when you need it from family, friends and us on the internet.
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#154 of 165 Old 03-09-2010, 01:37 AM
 
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Just wanted to give you a hug.

I am so proud of you. Stay strong.

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#155 of 165 Old 03-09-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy View Post
The plan is in motion, I have put in a notice to my landlord for April 1st. My partner is actively searching for an apartment and my parents are searching for a house to invest in that I can rent. I will be staying with them the month of April and putting my furniture in storage.

Partner is playing dirty but I expected it. I had to walk to and from work on Sunday, which took me 30 minutes each way. No big deal but I did end up working an hour of overtime and there were no buses running. I mean, I work at a physicaly demanding job so that was a little cold on his part. However, it has just confirmed my feelings that he can be a cruel man and I wish him nothing but the best in his future. Unfortunately, he refuses to talk to me about anything but that's all right-maybe it's for the best.

My friends and family are supportive of me and I see light at the end of the tunnel. Thank all of you for everything, you may have changed someone's life just by typing.
Wonderful. I think it's great that your parents are willing to help you in that way. What a blessing at a time like this! Good work, mama!

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
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#156 of 165 Old 03-09-2010, 02:21 AM
 
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I'm so proud of you!!!!!! You can do this

familybed1.gifnovaxnocirc.gif nut.gifMommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we homeschool.gif, and  27 weeks belly.gifpuke.gifand have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!

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#157 of 165 Old 03-09-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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OP, You may have just made my day.
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#158 of 165 Old 03-12-2010, 02:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just need to write this. I feel so alone these past few days, I feel empty and sad and crushed inside. I am crying so hard tonight, I just feel hopeless.

I phoned my "best friend" and told her for the first time everything that has happened between me and my partner. I wrote a list of all the things I did and he did and read them to her because she makes it sound like I am wrong for doing this. She is very religious so maybe that's why, who the hell knows. It's like... it's all coming apart. This image of the perfect family is falling apart and everyone is watching and thinking, "Oh good it's not me, atleast I'M not that F'ed up."

She just pretty much said we are both abusive to each other, and that all choices have consequences. She said to leave if I feel unsafe but I just felt, I felt completely defeated. It's like... how can you say you don't know if I'm making the right choice. I just told you everything, the most embarassing thing, I opened myself up and... I feel like a complete idiot for doing it. No wonder I come on an anonymous message board. Just the tone... it's the way it's like, she thinks it's sin, I just know it. She never said it but I know it, I know it.

My son is so out of control tonight, he is hitting himself and me, being totaly defiant, running around and I'm just crying, alone, I can't help it, I feel broken down. Why is this happening, I made the wrong choice, I should have just gone on with our "happy family". I fricking hate people, I do, I hate them.

I have nobody who really understand, NOBODY. I don't know what to do, the end of the month is coming and... I can't keep sleeping with him. It is killing me, it is confusing me and it is making things so much harder. But if I don't... he is so freaking mean to me, I hate feeling like an ant. I am a f**king failure aren't I. Why is this my life, I know I must be paying for all of my past sin.
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#159 of 165 Old 03-12-2010, 02:16 AM
 
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You're doing great, even though you feel like crap. It's kind of like when you have a stomach flu, and you're throwing up all over, and you couldn't feel worse - but at that exact moment, you are getting rid of the virus, so you are on your way to feeling better.

Make a point of only sharing your story with people who you can be 100% sure will really support you. The domestic violence folks are great at times like this, and hotlines are so helpful too.

It's also ok that your son is acting out right now. He's confused, and the best thing you can do for him is keep keeping yourselves safe, and keep trying to find real support that makes you feel better.

It's sad but true that our real life friends who we've known during the secret bad times often can't be the people we turn to in a crisis - but there are other real life people who can be there for you. Please get a hotline number and call them tonight - they really know what they are doing.

And then there's folks here too. I do get it that it feels worse than ever, but you're doing great, I promise.

Mom of one child (2008), wife of one husband, tender of dogs, cats and chickens. Household interests: ocean life (kid), bitcoins (husband), simplifying (me).

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#160 of 165 Old 03-12-2010, 02:17 AM
 
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You don't have to take on someone else's judgment on your life. If your relationship is mutually abusive (from your OP, it was...but that doesn't mean it still is), then that's an even better reason to get out, imo.

This is not about your past sin. I'm not perfect, but...
I've lost four babies (3 to miscarriage and 1 to stillbirth).
I've experienced sexual abuse, within my extended famly and my elementary school.
I've had five unwanted c-sections, two of which caused permanent nerve damage.
I've experienced an emotionally abusvie marriage to a drug addict.
My dad is an alcoholic.
I've had toxic, manipulative relatives who have messed up my life in pretty significant ways.

There is no way I've committed any sin in my life that could have brought this on me. I do not believe for one minute that you've committed any sin that could have brought this down on you. It just doesn't work that way. You and your partner have a really bad dynamic, and it is absolutely abusive on his part. There's just no doubt.

You are not a failure. You're a woman who is going through a really hard time right now. This is not an easy thing to do. I really think you should leave now. If you're still sleeping with him, so that he won't be mean to you, then things are really bad. You need to go, and find a safe place - not just physically safe, but emotionally safe. Being there is hurting you.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#161 of 165 Old 03-12-2010, 02:40 AM
 
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What Stormbride said.

Please consider leaving before the end of the month. Call your local DV shelter and let them know what your situation is.

It takes so much strength to do what you are doing. Do be careful who you share your story with IRL. The last thing you need is judgement. You are trying to do what you feel is best for yourself and your DS, even for your husband. By leaving you can keep yourself and DS safe, as well as hope that your husband is able to find help and a way to live a happy life that he doesn't have, that none of you have, right now.
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#162 of 165 Old 04-05-2010, 06:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I have officialy moved out. All my stuff is in storage and I am staying at my parent's until April 15. It is going surprisingly well, I'm just really lonely and feel badly for him, he misses us but I need to do this.
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#163 of 165 Old 04-05-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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I am so so very proud of you. I know how hard it is. Stay strong. It is going to be hard for awhile. It has been almost two months for me and it is still really tough sometimes. It will get better though, a little at a time.

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#164 of 165 Old 04-06-2010, 11:02 AM
 
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I cannot even begin to express how proud, happy, elated, EXSTATIC I am for you. I know you dont feel this way, but honestly mama, day after day, it will get easier and easier. Now you AND your (ex?)partner can focus on bettering and healing yourselves in whatever way you can.

Stay Strong mama!!! and Love that little boy of yours to PEICES!!!!
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#165 of 165 Old 04-06-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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I am so proud of you!!! What an amazing mama bear you are!! You should be proud of yourself!! Your son will be so grateful to you someday for protecting him. It's normal to be sad and feel bad but you are doing the right thing. We are here for you. Stay strong You are stopping the cycle of abuse in your family....because of you your son can have a loving family life one day...because his mother loved him enough to do the hardest thing ever.
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