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#1 of 20 Old 02-22-2010, 10:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm miserable. I can't stand my children or my husband, they are driving me crazy. My DD never listens, does what she wants when she wants, makes tons of messes a day, talks like a baby with this lisp she thinks is cute, does the same annoying sound over and over and over and over again until I just want to scream and throw something at her. My DS is always miserable, he's never happy unless we give him something and then 5 minutes later he's miserable again. He'll come home from school, want something to eat, I'll make him what he wants then he'll decide he doesn't want that and will lie on the floor screaming. When we ride in the car he screams the whole time because he doesn't have anything to do (even though DH bought him a Leapster, he has paper, he has pencils, music, etc. . .). He's never happy. He hates everything. He complains about everything. My DH is always quick to get angry with the kids lately. . .they're driving him nuts too. Even though he gets away from them when he goes to work. I homeschool and clean all day, but our house is never clean. DH complains because he does the dishes, kitchen. . .really, that's what he does. Granted it's a big job sometimes, especially when he hasn't done it for a couple days. . .and then I get the joy of listening to him complain about doing it. I tend to do the dishes at least once or twice a week, which just makes me angrier. I just want to scream and I do too much, I feel like beating my kids (I don't, but I do feel like it too much), I don't know what to do. I want to cry. . .Help

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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#2 of 20 Old 02-22-2010, 11:04 PM
 
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It truly sounds like you need a break and perhaps the whole family needs a mini vacation of fun together.

Definately try and find a little time for your self. Get out of the house...go shopping, to a movie, for a spa day, to the gym....something you love and perhaps have given up. For your sanity and the well being of the family you need to do this.

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#3 of 20 Old 02-22-2010, 11:06 PM
 
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Hi,
I didn't want to read and not post something. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I can certainly imagine being in your shoes and feeling the same way. I think it's absolutely necessary that you take a break from the kids. Please trouble-shoot and figure out a way to do that. Their brains will not shrivel up if they don't have school for a few days. Send them to a friend/relatives or YOU go to a friend/relatives/hotel for a few days, if at all possible. Seriously. If I was at the point you're at, I would be like "I'm Pricelining a hotel. Bye."

You just have to have breaks.

Once you've had a break you will be able to think more clearly about a plan for the future. Is there something you can do to help your kids behave better or are they simply acting like normal kids and you are getting angry because you REALLY, REALLY need a break? You'll be able to sort that out better once you've had some time off and some rest. You'll also know whether you are actually depressed and in need of treatment, or whether you just need a break.

The moms here can help you troubleshoot your kids' diet, sleep schedules, discipline issues, etc. You can also talk it over with us and with your husband and do some soul searching --- is homeschooling really right for you right now? But really, before all of that, TAKE A BREAK!

Have I mentioned...you need a break!!
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#4 of 20 Old 02-22-2010, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish it were as easy as taking a mini vacation. We just don't have the money or time for it. We also live overseas, no family near, so it's really tough to get a break. I did insist on going to a meeting last night by myself so at least I didn't have to listen to the fighting and screaming in the car--which was nice. I did think about not homeschooling, but I'd still have my dd around driving me crazy. I can't send them to the local school and I can't send them to the base school. . .I've totally screwed myself. . .I have to homeschool (yes, I think homeschooling is best for my kids, but I'm just not in the right place right now). UGH!!! I'm thinking maybe I'm going through a depressed state right now. . .now to get motivated to actually do something about it.

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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#5 of 20 Old 02-22-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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I feel you! We've had a lot of tension in our house lately. I don't get much help (if any) with housework. Saturday afternoon I took off by myself...I even went through the drive-through and sat in my car and ate (peace and quiet) Then I went and did a couple other errands, grocery shopping etc..I even went to the fancy Whole Foods I've been dying to go to. Last time we went the kids were horribly behaved and dh ended up screaming at them. Let's just say I was gone for HOURS!

I hope you get the break you deserve.
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#6 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 12:33 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you're in such a low place.

I really don't have any great ideas for you- I agree that you need a break, but I also know how difficult it is to do that when money is tight. I can't imagine the extra stress of being overseas as well.

I keep picturing you at an indoor pool/water park, where the kids could have fun and be loud and get tired and where you can just sit. Or one of those inflatable bounce places. Or, shoot, even a McDonald's playland. Do they have places like that in Japan?

I wish you peace, mama.

Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

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#7 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 12:35 AM
 
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I'm so sorry it is so hard to be everything to everyone and never get "me" recharge time.

Single mama to one active lil pill, aged 6. Getting my Masters in Counseling while playing as much Farmville as possible
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#8 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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Make up a schedule with your DH. On xx day of the week when he gets home from work, you have 2 hrs in which you can leave, without children or "needs" and have time to yourself. Doesn't matter what you do, join a book club, go window shopping, whatever, just something you enjoy that helps you destress. Running errands does NOT count! On yy day of the week, he get's the same consideration. Or alternate one parent getting 2 hrs off every other week. You need a child free break. Your DH seems to feel he needs a break as well. For some time I was a sahm to 2 kids less than 2 yrs apart. We had one vehicle that DH took to work, so we were basically homebound most of the time. Trust me when I say that the times it got overwhelming taking a vacation that involved the kids was as appealing as signing up for a round or two of waterboarding. Actually, scratch that - the waterboarding would have been my first choice. A getaway with DH, as much as I love him, looked only slightly less painful!

Next time DH grumbles about doing the dishes, ask him sweetly if he'd like you to make a list of what you've done during the day, or better yet would he prefer to trade places and homeschool the children and keep the house while you go away to work every day. Actually, don't really do that, it will probably make things worse, but it's a nice thought for a moment at least!

It sounds like there also need to be a few new rules in the house. You have developed a hearing problem, really you have. And when your DD does that lisp thing, you just can't actually hear what she's saying. Time to talk normal again! Institute 2 15-min clean up times and actively get her involved in cleaning up her own mess. As for your DS, we nipped the whole screaming in the car pretty easily. When I was done hearing it, I told DD before we left that I needed to focus on driving, so she needed to not throw a fit and entertain herself during the drive. As soon as she started to scream, I found a place and pulled over to the side of the road. Once she stopped screaming and noticed we were stopped, I explained that it wasn't safe for me to drive while she was distracting me, and when she was finished we would continue on. She realized pretty fast that this meant she spent longer in the car! As for snacks, can you have a drawer or area of premade things like muffins or yogurt or fruit and tell him that those are his choices and have him go get what he wants? He could even help you pick out things to stock his snack area with.

I have no idea if any of these apply to your situation, but they're things that I tried when I was at the end of my rope on similar issues and had success with. ((Hugs!)) It really sounds like you just need some "I'm a grown up" away time once in a while.
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#9 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 01:19 AM
 
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I get feeling like that sometimes too.

I have one small suggestion, just for the dishes, because I'm assuming you don't have a dishwasher (other than the cranky, complaining one). Put all the dishes away except for a set for each person. Then, before you can dirty anymore, you have to quickly wash those. It keeps them from piling up, though it doesn't solve the pots and pans issue. But it will help. I used to have the tiniest kitchen with no dishwasher and I did this. It really, really helped.

Mommy to kids

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#10 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 04:33 AM
 
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I've moved this to Personal Growth for you, I hope you find suggestions that prop up your heart and give you strength to move forward with less stress!

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#11 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 10:15 AM
 
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Even if you have one of them in a school, that should enable you to breathe a bit more and spend some one-on-one time with each, individually, as the schedule allows. That can really help with your own stress as well as theirs.

Have you looked for any mom groups that go out regularly?
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#12 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 10:46 AM
 
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Ugh, doesn't life suck? Just joking (kinda) but want you to know I "know how ya feel".
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#13 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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I so could have written your post (except the Japan part).

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#14 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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when are your kids happy and not annoying you? what kinds of things do they like to do with you? what do they like to do on their own?

in what ways have you & dh been able to connect with each other in the past? what do you miss from the times when things weren't like this?
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#15 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 12:48 PM
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mama. You definitely need some breathing space.

It sounds like some discipline issues need to be addressed with the kids, but as I don't have kids your kids ages, I can't really help you. But it does sound like maybe everyone is just stressed from the move and not connecting to the outside world yet? Do your kids have friends over there? You said you don't really have any adult connections. It sounds like it will be a little trickier to get them since you are overseas, but I think being around some other people besides family might help the situation a lot. Hopefully time will help heal that some.

And yes, you and your husband both need breaks, so you should sit down and agree to a time each week that you get one. Even if all you do is go sit somewhere else in the house with a book and some music to drown out the noise, it will help you recharge from the stress of the day.

With the dishes, we always argued about that too. It was supposed to be DH's job, but he wouldn't do it, then it would get big and overwhelming. We agreed that it just HAS to be done every night after dinner. It doesn't matter who does it. It just has to get done. It takes much less time if you don't wait until it's a huge job. (or at least it seems like that)

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#16 of 20 Old 02-23-2010, 02:50 PM
 
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whenever I get to feeling this way, I know that stuff HAS to change....I think about the things that are really bothering me the most and come up with a plan to change them...usually it involves me being more consistant with the kids and more consistant with the house...but chanign my tactic in how I accomplish that helps me to get a fresh, new perspective on it all.

good luck! You are powerful and can make any change you want!

Heidi : Married for 15 years, expecting our 8th baby in July!

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#17 of 20 Old 02-24-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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Barbara~I don't remember where at you are but if you are close to me, let me know if I can help in any way. We are in Yokosuka.

*Momma to a spunky 11 year old & diva 9 year old
*Proud wife of "The Rock"
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#18 of 20 Old 02-24-2010, 02:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much everyone for responding!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autumn Moon View Post
Even if you have one of them in a school, that should enable you to breathe a bit more and spend some one-on-one time with each, individually, as the schedule allows. That can really help with your own stress as well as theirs.

Have you looked for any mom groups that go out regularly?
Right now DS is still in a Japanese kindergarten, but he's stopping in March (end of the school year here in Japan). I'm nervous for this change, but also think maybe it might be easier to have both kids on the same schedule and maybe they'll play with one another so I can have a few more breaks?

There are some mom groups on base but since I have DD she's too old to go to the playgroups (age limit of up to 5 years old) and there's no homeschool group. I know they've tried to start a group for homeschooling kids, but it hasn't worked (most people move every 3 years).

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
when are your kids happy and not annoying you? what kinds of things do they like to do with you? what do they like to do on their own?

in what ways have you & dh been able to connect with each other in the past? what do you miss from the times when things weren't like this?
My kids are happiest when they are getting my full attention or are outside playing. However, if either kid has a friend around then the other child is miserable. They are also happy when we sit and read together or when they are in the bath. They do enjoy going out and exploring Japan, but are miserable and fighting the entire time in the car. I'm currently reading Siblings Without Rivalry and hoping it will help with some of the issues we're having. My DS has always been very demanding of my attention and always wants/needs to do what he likes when he likes. He is "gifted" and I've been told this is normal for gifted children. . .but I could use more help with this before it drives me nuts. One gifted ed teacher (DH works with her) has told us to buy earplugs or remove him from wherever we are when he gets in these screaming tirades. . .I just don't feel comfortable doing this. He isn't able to be redirected and sometimes these tirades can last for an hour, then someone brings it up later or the next day he'll think of whatever upset him and he flies off again. Ugh

DH and I normally get along wonderfully. Lately he's just been tired, sick, cranky, busy, etc. . . and it's been getting on my nerves. I'd say the kids and the cleaning are our biggest challenges.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InMediasRes View Post
It sounds like some discipline issues need to be addressed with the kids, but as I don't have kids your kids ages, I can't really help you. But it does sound like maybe everyone is just stressed from the move and not connecting to the outside world yet? Do your kids have friends over there? You said you don't really have any adult connections.

With the dishes, we always argued about that too. It was supposed to be DH's job, but he wouldn't do it, then it would get big and overwhelming. We agreed that it just HAS to be done every night after dinner. It doesn't matter who does it. It just has to get done. It takes much less time if you don't wait until it's a huge job. (or at least it seems like that)
I agree we need some major help with discipline things. I think this is compounded by living overseas around base people who recommend beating my children (not all are like this, but the majority I've been around are) and being around Japanese people who never raise their voices in public and seem to have the most well behaved children when out and about (I do know they spank and shame and bribe a lot with candy). I think it makes it a lot harder not being around parents with the same philosophies DH and I have when it comes to raising children.

We've been overseas in Japan for 5 years now. Both our children have Japanese friends because they've both gone to Japanese schools. Unfortunately Japanese children go to school until 4pm then are in afterschool activities until 6 or 7pm every night. They do have some younger friends in our neighborhood they like to play with when they get home from school.

The only close friend I've had since moving here just moved away and we've had a hard time communicating since she left over the phone. I miss her

Quote:
Originally Posted by DebraStorm View Post
Barbara~I don't remember where at you are but if you are close to me, let me know if I can help in any way. We are in Yokosuka.
I'm in Sasebo, wayyyy down south. I think my family is coming up to Tokyo for an Autism conference (DH will attend the conference while I explore with the kids) in April if you'd like to get together

Last night I told DH that I need more help taking care of the house and we all agreed to try to take at least 20 minutes after dinner cleaning together. I hope this works and makes me at least a little happier. Last night we were able to get a lot done

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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#19 of 20 Old 02-24-2010, 03:16 AM
 
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wow... I just want to send you some hugs. I hope you can get some rest soon!!!!!

familybed1.gifnovaxnocirc.gif nut.gifMommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we homeschool.gif, and  27 weeks belly.gifpuke.gifand have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!

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#20 of 20 Old 02-28-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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A couple things that helped me.

I embraced the idea that I really COULD run away if I wanted to. Like, it was actually an option for me, and I could do it at any time. I even culled through my personal belongings, imagining what would fit into my car trunk to bring with me (or even a suitcase).

Hell, you can even actually PACK the suitcase or the car trunk And see what that feels like. (I wouldn't do it in front of the kids, or dh, just cuz that will create more stuff for you to deal with...this is for YOU and YOU only).

Secondly, I have a challenging relationship with my older child. What I've realized is the stuff I don't accept and love in her are the very things I don't love and accept in myself.

So rather than worrying about trying to repair the relationship with your child right now, focus on starting to love you.

As far as a spouse that's not completely supportive of you (on ANY level), put him on the back burner, whatever you need to do, to get your focus off of him during this time.

Let the house get messy and make room for loving you.
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