Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 212 Old 12-17-2010, 09:29 PM
 
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Hi Texmati, I had seen a couple of your posts from 2 years ago, and was hoping you would reply... I'm glad you have a small break where you can re-assess the situation and have some breathing room.

 

As for DH, that is part of my turmoil.  With his job, we have limited time together, and he feels guilty to go out as a couple and not take MIL.  He is a sweet guy, and I think a lot of my annoyance with MIL is that I no longer have the couple time with him, or the spontaneity and loving looks, conversations, and expressions that used to happen between us.  I have tried to explain to him that I need couple time...which he's compromised on a bit by just me and him going on errands, like groceries or post office or some such thing.  Not exactly a date, but at least we get a few minutes together.

 

I'll read that book, Dakotablue.  I need help to set boundaries.

 

The real problem is my own weakness in not standing up for myself in the face of things.  Not knowing how to cultivate a healthy rather than toxic relationship.  And yes Texmati, I get your point about MIL having no clue why there is resentment on your part!  I can see from my MIL's perspective all she is doing is minding her own business.  It's me, not her, that cares about the mess she leaves in the kitchen. 

 

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#32 of 212 Old 12-18-2010, 07:43 AM
 
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Mine cried so hard at the wedding that folks asked me about it for years.

Been married 22 years this May.
Mine sobbed all day long.  Every single picture of her looks like hell.  Puffy and red, just awful.  It's almost funny now, but at the time it was so over the top and ridiculous.  I get that she was sad her boy was growing up, but get a grip.  14 years next week :)
 
I don't hate her though.  Mostly I find her pathetic and sad.  We're almost exact opposite people and that is enough to make us not like each other.  Add in the fact that she's a horrible selfish mother (something I have no patience for) and there's just no chance we'd ever be friends.  
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#33 of 212 Old 12-18-2010, 08:08 AM
 
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Count me in! She's a manipulative, controlling, hovering, boundary-crossing, exceptionally needy person and it drives me to madness.  


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#34 of 212 Old 12-18-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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My MIL is evil evil evil. Ever since I met dh, which was 17.5 yrs ago, she makes up lies, spreads gossip, does all sorts of nasty things, anything, to try to tear us down and separate us. She is evil evil evil evil. There is nothing else about her but evil. I hate her. I used to try to find some good from her. I used to think if only she could see how nice I am, how good I am to DH, what a good mother I am, etc....Nope, none of it mattered. I finally had to go to therapy and I read self help books on toxic inlaws and finally had to accept that her evil nasty trashy evil evilness was from inside of her and I did not cause it and I cannot fix it. There is nothing good about my MIL. 

 

We rarely see her now. When we do, she complains about me, our children, or something. She makes up flat out lies. Lies in the past have ranged from bigger stuff, like trying to tell me that my husband was having an affair, trying to tell my husband that she caught me having an affair (she was very manipulative about it where it would have been convincing if it were not for the fact that I knew what a piece of trash she was), ordering stuff on her credit cards and having them delivered to my house and then trying to press charges against me for credit card theft, inviting me over to visit but calling the police when I arrived and claiming I was there to hurt her, trying to get my dh to disappear with my children, etc etc....to the smaller things, like complaining that my children do nothing but sit on their cell phones texting friends and talking on their phones the entire time they are supposed to be visiting her (we had dinner with her out the other day) when my children do not even own cell phones, had no handheld games, nothing like that. It goes on and on and on.

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#35 of 212 Old 12-18-2010, 07:28 PM
 
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Lies in the past have ranged from bigger stuff, like trying to tell me that my husband was having an affair, trying to tell my husband that she caught me having an affair (she was very manipulative about it where it would have been convincing if it were not for the fact that I knew what a piece of trash she was), ordering stuff on her credit cards and having them delivered to my house and then trying to press charges against me for credit card theft, inviting me over to visit but calling the police when I arrived and claiming I was there to hurt her, trying to get my dh to disappear with my children, etc etc....


Wow that's intense stuff.  Sorry to hear that. kinda makes me feel a bit better about my MIL though.  More than anything she's a mindless woman lost in her own drama---not deliberately evil, even though she does hurtful things---but nothing like what you have gone through!  whew!

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#36 of 212 Old 12-19-2010, 08:25 AM
 
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Rush2ady, you sort of summed up my MIL.  "Lost in her own drama" sort of fits.  Everything is about her and how if affects her, even when it has nothing to do with her really.  We announced that I was pg with ds, she said, "I'm too young to be a grandma".  Um?  You had a kid at 19, your 26 year old having a baby isn't "too young".  The ridiculous attention whoring she pulled when ds was born was so over the top you wouldn't believe it.  We announced we  were moving, she sobbed, even though she never came to visit and it was an amazing opportunity for dh's career.  Instead of being proud of dh, it was all about how she wouldn't see ds.  Who she never saw anyway.  

 

I should be taking notes so I don't act like a complete freak when my kids get married.

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#37 of 212 Old 12-20-2010, 03:43 PM
 
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rush2ady, I can't begin to imagine living with my MIL.  Having her around the block is difficult enough.   PLUS my own mother is right next door to my MIL.  My mom invited my MIL to rent the house next door when it became available... and it's been nonstop drama and bitchiness ever since.  

 

Anyway, rush2ady, I'd bet you anything that your MIL is just as miserable (if not MORE because she's living in a foreign country) as you are.  The two of you need to find some commonality where you're living and perhaps seeking out a local Indian/Hindu cultural center might be just the thing.  She really needs to feel like she's a part of something familiar... that's why all the gossip about everybody.  She needs to get out of the house (and so do you! and/or get your work done when you're at home!) so she's got something else to fill her time.  She's acting vindictively because she feels like she's a third wheel -- and she is.

 

Cultural aspects aside, you may have to tell your husband, "This isn't working; she's got to go!"  When will it get to that point, do you think?


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#38 of 212 Old 12-23-2010, 12:54 PM
 
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Count me in. I don't like to use the word hate but yes, I detest my mother in law. I don't like her as a person. I can't find one redeeming quality about her unless making good beef stew is a good quality to have. She's an unhappy,  bitter and manipulative woman who is threatened by the happiness of her children. As a human being, I don't like her. I think she's a horrible parent who did her best to make her children think the worst of their father in order to feel loved. She's a liar, a bad mother and a seriously bootlegged grandmother. She puts her needs before everyone else's especially those of her children. I also think she's pathetic. She's quick to talk about her poorly my father in law treated her but is still pining away from him even though he's been married TWICE since they divorced over 20 YEARS AGO!

 

She made her children believe for years she was not divorced from their father.She lied and told them she never signed divorce papers. She enables her daughter to do absolutely nothing with her life because she wants her daughter to be her caretaker. She manipulates her children with illnesses that are made up and has turned nearly her entire family against her own son. She uses people for what she can get out of them.

 

She lives in another state and even though I only have to see her once or twice a year, the very thought of making a trip down there makes me sick. The sound of her voice grates my nerves. I don't want my daughter left alone with her. I don't trust her.

 

Being cordial to her is the equivalent of me running 5 miles in five minutes. 60 seconds on the telephone with her leaves me exhausted so I just won't do it anymore. She tries to make everything positive in her sons life about her! My anger towards her is so intense I think my DD may have picked up on it even though I don't speak negatively about her in DD's presence. When DH puts MIL on the phone to talk to her DD is always silent and can't bebothered yet she talks to anyone else who calls. 

 

Wow...it felt good unleashing those feelings on my husbands mother.Oh, I feel bad that my husband has a mother like that. DH is a wonderfully kind and well adjusted man in spite of that black hole he grew up with.

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#39 of 212 Old 12-24-2010, 09:06 AM
 
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Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.


 I despise this kind of manipulation of small children . . . who then grow into adults who wonder how easily love can be taken away from them. My ILs started to play a manipulation game slightly related to this when DD was smaller: "Nana (or Papa) is so sad you won't give me a hug/kiss." And s/he would carry on several times to my DD who is not a hugger or kisser. We put the kabosh on this behavior quickly.

 

I feel for all you mamas with terrible MILs. Mine is not the best, but clearly not the worst either.


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#40 of 212 Old 12-24-2010, 08:04 PM
 
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"Nana (or Papa) is so sad you won't give me a hug/kiss." And s/he would carry on several times to my DD who is not a hugger or kisser. We put the kabosh on this behavior quickly.

How did you address this problem?  Part of my issue is I don't know how to stand up for myself in a clear, yet kind way.  What did you say to them, how did you handle it?

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#41 of 212 Old 12-25-2010, 07:15 AM
 
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Yep, I can't stand mine, or any of the in-laws really, mainly for what they do to DH. DH has just gotten into contact with his family in the last few years, because he was raised by his grandma(and she disowned him when he married me). Anyway, they expressed a half-hearted wish to get to know us, and most of them don't have contact with us because we're "too different from us", and MIL pretty much took their side and almost never contacts us even when we lived in the same city. Apparently we're not as important as the rest of the family, whom she sees almost daily, while our birthdays/holidays/special occasions have been ignored, playdates are made and broken at her whim, and babysitting or together time with us is just too much inconvenience for them.


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#42 of 212 Old 12-25-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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I just wanted to send a hug to all the mamas with rotten MILs and ILs. It can't be easy. hug.gif

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#43 of 212 Old 12-26-2010, 07:29 AM
 
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Quote:
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You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.


Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.


I'm standing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just the mere mention of her name is nauseating!!!  AND it is for the VERY reason that my DH ALWAYS sides with her NO MATTER HOW wrong she is and it DRIVES me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it comes to her he has NEVER been team us and it pisses me off to no end....AND because she knows this she uses it to her advantage like you wouldn't believe.  I am SO glad that I am NOT alone in this!!!

 

It's the same way over here as well:(.  No matter how nasty MIL was to me, H would either make excuses or complain that he felt stuck in the middle.  So she could get away with swearing at me or calling me stupid.  Now, I just sit there and try not to talk as much as possible, so we won't fight and H won't have anything to complain about.

 

I don't hate MIL, but I really dislike her.  Other than, as previously mentioned, the name calling and profane comments about me in the past, most recently, she's been faking health problems.  A few months ago, she said that she broke her ribs and nose taking out the garbage, but when we visited her a few weeks later, she was fine.  Most recently, a few weeks ago, she said she fell and hurt her head, and at the hospital, she said that the x-rays showed a possible brain tumour, and a specialist arranged a CAT scan.  However, when BIL took her for the appointment, there was no injury to her head and the CAT scan had been arranged by her family doctor.  I normally wouldn't care too much, but right now, my own father is terminally ill with cancer, so I don't take too kindly by people faking possible scares right now(yes, the scan turned up that she was fine).  That, along with the alcoholism, guilt trips, and never bothering to come visit us even when she comes to town so that are the only ones making the effort to visit, makes it a very unpleasant time for me. :(
 


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#44 of 212 Old 12-26-2010, 10:06 PM
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Since this is a "complain about MIL" thread, I'll just mention that I have asked her for YEARS upon YEARS to not drench herself in perfume before visiting us because it gives me a headache.  But of course, she showed up yesterday as stinkily-perfumed as ever.  She obviously doesn't care.  And dh doesn't care, either, because he told me to "suck it up."  I sat as far away from her as possible. 


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#45 of 212 Old 12-26-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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I like mine a lot.


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#46 of 212 Old 12-27-2010, 07:56 AM
 
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To be honest, the one who's infuriated me most has been DH.  Once he saw his parents' anger, self-absorption, and efforts to manipulate those around them, things improved here in our nuclear family.  Now, in fact, the hard part is being around *him* when MIL is here, because he has a hard time detaching . . . understandable, of course . . . took me years to get to "pass the bean dip" with her, and I never had to look to her as a child needing love and care.  So my feelings towards MIL have become a lot more distant.  I'm way more critical of her as a grandmother to my boys than as a MIL (compartmentalize, anyone?) but am trying to be part of a healthy way to carry all that, too.

 

What really gets to me is when my own mother veers wildly between running MIL down harshly for the things she says and does, and then insisting, oh so earnestly, that I have an obligation to include her in gatherings.  She stopped doing that when I told her she could have one or the other, but needed to pick before I picked for her.  I get so sick of feeling as though I'm the one who has to be the adult in these equations.  I mean, sick of feeling like the only adult.  The only thing worse is having to be a child around people who behave like this.


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#47 of 212 Old 12-27-2010, 08:54 AM
 
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I love my MIL, although she does a lot of things that irritate me, she is a good person compared to a lot of people in our families.  My FIL is my problem.  He definitely makes my skin crawl at times.  He lives with us at the moment and though I rarely see him the few times I do are usually frustrating.  He has a lot of major issues.  He drinks too much, he lives in an alternate universe, he is very condescending towards me.  I am not even going to get into all his insanity.  The one time we tried to do something as a family here he popped my son for something completely ridiculous, not to mention the fact that he had no business touching my kid. He treats my husband completely different from all his other children.  He does things for the other kids but always wants, wants, wants from us.  He clearly has a favorite child and a least favorite child and my dh happens to be the least favorite.  I definitely can see how a spouse's childhood affects the family that they have created.  DH and I struggle with this.  It angers me that he had such a crappy childhood, mostly because of his dad.  I hate the way it has come back to affect our children.  It's just sad.


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#48 of 212 Old 12-27-2010, 09:05 AM
 
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Wow, I feel like I'm in "Finding Your Tribe."

Count me seriously in.



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The list goes on and on but to sum it up quickly during my VERY difficult twin pregnancy she loved to tell people "please pray for my son he is having a very hard time this pregnancy."


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#49 of 212 Old 12-27-2010, 11:16 AM
 
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lol!!!!

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The list goes on and on but to sum it up quickly during my VERY difficult twin pregnancy she loved to tell people "please pray for my son he is having a very hard time this pregnancy."




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#50 of 212 Old 12-27-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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My partner's mom isn't too bad, since she leaves us alone for the most part, but she screwed DP over so I don't really like her. My ex mil screwed up with ex and tries to tell me what to do with my oldest. I've wanted to tell her over and over that I pushed him out, she's not on the BC so stuff it!


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#51 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 07:07 AM
 
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Well this is me too.  I have in the past hated my mil, but now I'm just really indifferent.  It use to burn me to no end that she 'forgot' my b-day for at least five years running - and then blamed dh for . . . . . not telling her I had a birthday?  mischievous.gif  Or that less than a year after my first mc she insisted that we should be getting pg, started buying baby toys, bought a new car that was 'safe for my grandbabies' - because dh had hit that magical age when he was 'allowed' to father a child - since mil was now 'old enough' to be a grandma.  But really my biggest issue with her is her self-centeredness, manipulations, drama and just plain meanness  - she really did a number on dh.  He got the message loud and clear that he wasn't worth her time and would never be good enough.  In fact she's still pretty adept at letting her only child know that whenever we see her, which is why we limit contact.  Needless to say - that inherent belief of dh's has led to a rollercoaster of crap throughout our nearly 10 year marriage as dh has dealt with that legacy - sometimes badly.  Plus mil is a moral train-wreck having had an affair with the same married man for over 30 years - and several others throughout the years.  She left dh's 'abusive' father when he was a baby - and who knows maybe he *was* abusive - but dh never found out, because the longterm married boyfriend ran the father away when dh was a baby - granted no boyfriend could keep ME away from my kid - but whatever.  At any rate, mil is great at manipulating circumstances to make herself look like an innocent bystander, blames me for the fact that dh is not catering to her every whim and it's been a fun ride.  Thankfully we live far enough away from her we only have to see her about once a month when we can fit her into our schedule (if we don't at least do this - she tends to have 'emergencies' that require us to drop everything and drive her to the ER or meet her there).  It's sad when you get to the point of fighting with your dh because his mother is being a drama queen and you don't want to waste the gas and time on sitting with her in the ER - when you know it NEVER amounts to anything but attention for her.  The once a month thing was our compromise so we didn't have to deal with the 10pm Sunday night emotional black-mail phone calls anymore.  She doesn't like to drive the 30 miles to our house - because she's afraid of being out in public alone . . . . which is a 'fear' she only has when it suits her.  We have to go pick her up and then do whatever - normally take her out to lunch.  She has been trying to get us to buy a house with a mil cottage for the entirity of our marriage - and we have told her in no uncertain terms that we will not ever be living with her - but she still tries and still gets upset when we politely change the subject or finally tell her it's just not going to happen after much badgering.  We lived next door to her for the first 2 years of or marriage and dealing with her neediness and drama every day nearly did us in. 

 

So, that's my mil.


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#52 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 07:19 AM
 
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Rush2ady, how are you doing lately?


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#53 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 10:09 AM
 
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Anyway, rush2ady, I'd bet you anything that your MIL is just as miserable (if not MORE because she's living in a foreign country) as you are.  The two of you need to find some commonality where you're living and perhaps seeking out a local Indian/Hindu cultural center might be just the thing.  She really needs to feel like she's a part of something familiar... that's why all the gossip about everybody.  She needs to get out of the house (and so do you! and/or get your work done when you're at home!) so she's got something else to fill her time.  She's acting vindictively because she feels like she's a third wheel -- and she is.

 

Cultural aspects aside, you may have to tell your husband, "This isn't working; she's got to go!"  When will it get to that point, do you think?


I've been thinking about your reply.

I had encouraged her to give some thought (and gave suggestions) on what she might like to do here.  After a while, when I realized it was only coming from me, I stopped mentioning it.  She doesn't have the ambition or motivation to turn off the tv and actually do something on her own initiative.  Other than yarn and embroidery supplies, she makes no requests for anything else to do.  It has taken me awhile to accept her lack of desire to do anything, and just let it be.  It's very opposite of me, I would die of boredom if I lived as she is, so maybe I was imposing my own discomfort on her in encouraging her to do other things.

 

As for "she's got to go" it's tricky.  In the US, we are so independent, and even our older generation is expected to maintain some independence, as long as they are in good health and capable.  Her generation in India lived their lives expecting when they are older and their children married, they would always live in the homes of their children.

 

Currently, there's a subtle hostility going on in my home.  If it became an openly hostile situation, and she was to indulge in her screaming rages here, as she did in India, that would make me say, "she can't stay". 

 

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#54 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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As for "she's got to go" it's tricky.  I don't see where she would possibly go?  In the US, we are so independent, and even our older generation is expected to maintain some independence, as long as they are in good health and capable.  Her generation in India lived their lives expecting when they are older and their children married, they would always live in the homes of their children.  She does not have the mentality or skills to live on her own.  As for sending her back to India to BIL/SIL, they have lived for a long time with her, and it's our turn now to have her with us.  At the moment, I tolerate it, but don't enjoy the situation.

Currently, there's a subtle hostility going on in my home.  If it became an openly hostile situation, and she was to indulge in her screaming rages here, as she did in India, that would make me say, "she can't stay". 

So far she is too scared of me to do anything but talk behind my back!

 


 


 

Rush2ady-- I feel as though I could have written your posts (and I think I did) just a few years ago. Feeling stuck, feeling sad for your MIL etc.

 

I remember feeling so stuck, and that there was no way out. It seemed like an impossible situation. MIL was perfectly content to sit on our couch for the next 40 years and never give us an ounce of consideration or privacy. I doubt very much that she was given either in her marriage when she was our age. I literally got to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts because I could not see a way out of this for the next 40 years. And I couldn't face that this was the rest of my life. 

 

It doesn't sound like you are at all at that point-- I just wanted to point out that you do have options; if ever you are ready to explore them. MIL has been out of my home for maybe 6 mos now.... I feel like I can breathe for the first time in my marriage. i look back at how depression and just crazyness snuck up on me, and I just offer you some support. :hugs.

 

I see that you are new jersey-- I think there is a strong indian community there. MIL did get involved with the local temple, and people would pick her up on sundays to go to temple at that time. It was so nice for her to get out of the house. What would your husband think of her getting a job? There are places in the community where she could work. If she is going to stay with you long term, you could consider building a home with a basement apartment, or buying two homes and getting a roommate for her. Basically, you can create a livable situation where you have some privacy. Start having discussions with your husband now, because it's very difficult to change the status quo once it's already been established.


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#55 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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Rush2ady, how are you doing lately?


 

Hi Texmati, I didn't see your post til after I wrote the above one!

I'm doing so-so.  I'm not used to the constant undercurrent of tension in my home.  It wears on me, and I can see it's effecting me, but I'm trying to go about my work and ignore it.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread ladies :)  My relationship with MIL is a little complex....

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#56 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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Thanks Texmati for your post,

it really helps!  I'm glad you suggested other options, I hadn't considered before, now I have to find ways to delicately bring them up to my husband.  I certainly don't want this to go on like this for years... however did you survive!  I'm sooo glad for you that you finally have some breathing space and opportunity to find yourself again.

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#57 of 212 Old 12-29-2010, 11:26 AM
 
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Sorry to hijack this thread ladies :)  My relationship with MIL is a little complex....



You actually have to share a home with your MIL, a reality that I can not bring myself to even think about. 

Hijack away, you need and deserve it.thumb.gif


Loved wife to JT and grateful mother to M (dd age 13) L (dd age 10) T (ds age 6) A (ds age 4) E (dd age 2) and C & S (twin boys born 10/13/10)
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#58 of 212 Old 01-01-2011, 11:40 PM
 
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I would leave.  And the next time dh wanted to be with me I would tell him to suck it up and deal with no, just like you did when you asked for his support with his mother.  Don't sit there, excuse yourself to Starbucks and tell her you are leaving because you don't want  headache from her perfume that you have asked her not to wear.  Lather rinse repeat every darn visit.  I really don't like my MIL and she really doesn't like me  because I don't put up with anything from her any more.  I tried to go along, but it just got worse.  Setting boundaries has made my life soooooo much better.

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#59 of 212 Old 01-01-2011, 11:47 PM
 
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Well it sounds like you may have some untapped skills as an intuitive and that you have been warned.  I would say you need to find a separate but near type situation so she is not in your space.  A separate apartment or house near/next to.  It sounds like you absolutely must have it for your own wellbeing.  What amazes me is that Indian parents bring the kids to the US and think that they area going to keep their Indian parent keeping traditions.  Its just not done that way here and if you are culturally US, they have no one to blame but themselves!  I would kill myself or divorce my husband before I would ever live with my MIL. 

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#60 of 212 Old 01-03-2011, 12:03 AM
 
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I hate both my MIL and FIL, and can't understand how they managed to create the sweetest guy on earth. For the most part I'm totally happy with my marriage but every year smack in the middle of summer one or the other comes to visit from India. I would be completely ok with their visits if they came for 2 weeks but they come for 6 weeks, and its 6 weeks of hell, I feel my nerves stretched thin to the point of snapping. My MIL runs her mouth non-stop, petty gossipy things. After a long day at work hearing her whine and complain in her high-pitched voice makes me want to turn my fantasy of clobbering her with a frying pan into reality. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment so as you can imagine its impossible to shut her out. My FIL is egoistical and a racist, I've to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything when he starts his tirades about religion and politics and the "West". Also I am unable to let go of nastiness from 4 years ago during our wedding. He said some horrible thing about my parents and I just cannot see past it. 

 

I'm 7 months pregnant and they have insisted on visiting us for 4 months. Thinking about the 4 painful long months has started to supersede the excitement of having a baby girl in my arms. My mom can only come to visit me and help me out for 3 weeks before they descend upon me. I feel so trapped and helpless.

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