Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 212 Old 01-09-2011, 11:59 AM
 
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Mil likes to rub it in my face that we don't have any living kiddos.



So sorry.  hug.gif

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#92 of 212 Old 01-12-2011, 08:16 PM
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My MIL, who has been a narcissistic drain on my marriage for 15 years, is moving out of state in just over a month!!  Woo-hoo!

 

(Knocking on wood so I don't jinx myself.)

 


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#93 of 212 Old 01-12-2011, 10:24 PM
 
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My MIL, who has been a narcissistic drain on my marriage for 15 years, is moving out of state in just over a month!!  Woo-hoo!

 

(Knocking on wood so I don't jinx myself.)

 



Cautiously dancing a jig for you and fingersx.gif


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#94 of 212 Old 01-13-2011, 05:35 AM
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My MIL, who has been a narcissistic drain on my marriage for 15 years, is moving out of state in just over a month!!  Woo-hoo!

 

(Knocking on wood so I don't jinx myself.)

 



Cautiously dancing a jig for you and fingersx.gif


Thanks!!


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#95 of 212 Old 01-13-2011, 10:08 AM
 
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My MIL, who has been a narcissistic drain on my marriage for 15 years, is moving out of state in just over a month!!  Woo-hoo!

 

(Knocking on wood so I don't jinx myself.)

 

 

orngbiggrin.gif  that's great!  I'm sure it will be a welcome time for you!

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#96 of 212 Old 01-20-2011, 05:23 PM
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Well, she's packing, which is a good sign.  But her hubris continues............I came home from work the other day to find a large Rubbermaid container dh had brought home from her house.  On the top of it, she had labeled in large letters, "Heirloom Christmas ornaments from Grandma, 2010."  So I opened it up, expecting to find really old, priceless ornaments that would be worth the word "heirloom," and it was just a bunch of crap ornaments she had purchased recently from Hallmark.  I swear, it's like she just wants to leave her "pee marks" all over my house before she leaves.


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#97 of 212 Old 01-20-2011, 08:22 PM
 
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Well, she's packing, which is a good sign.  But her hubris continues............I came home from work the other day to find a large Rubbermaid container dh had brought home from her house.  On the top of it, she had labeled in large letters, "Heirloom Christmas ornaments from Grandma, 2010."  So I opened it up, expecting to find really old, priceless ornaments that would be worth the word "heirloom," and it was just a bunch of crap ornaments she had purchased recently from Hallmark.  I swear, it's like she just wants to leave her "pee marks" all over my house before she leaves.




 

Calling it an heirloom doesn't make it so. Many charities LOVE to receive donated Christmas ornaments, especially church-funded women's and children's shelters and food banks. They can put the ornaments on their tree every year or give them out with other items.

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#98 of 212 Old 01-20-2011, 08:25 PM
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Calling it an heirloom doesn't make it so. Many charities LOVE to receive donated Christmas ornaments, especially church-funded women's and children's shelters and food banks. They can put the ornaments on their tree every year or donate them with other things.wink1.gif

 

 

I had them halfway out the door, but then ds (8) threw a fit about wanting to keep at least some of them.  I'll let him choose a few, then the rest ARE getting donated!  But yeah, I just love the "heirloom" label, which was an attempt at trying to make me keep them.  (She knows I don't like clutter.) 
 


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#99 of 212 Old 01-20-2011, 11:35 PM
 
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Normally an heirloom is something that's been passed down through generations either because it has real monetary value or at least historic sentimental value. That she thinks she can decide for your family what you will find valuable enough to pass down is pretty hilarious, in a dark sort of way. She bought a bunch of cheap made-in-China plastic junk and probably has high dreams of you gingerly handing it, encased in a velvet box, to your tearful great-grandchildren as you lay dying. LOL

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#100 of 212 Old 01-21-2011, 09:34 AM
 
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That she thinks she can decide for your family what you will find valuable enough to pass down is pretty hilarious, in a dark sort of way. She bought a bunch of cheap made-in-China plastic junk and probably has high dreams of you gingerly handing it, encased in a velvet box, to your tearful great-grandchildren as you lay dying. LOL

funny !

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#101 of 212 Old 01-21-2011, 09:51 AM
 
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good for you! What did your dh say?

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That she thinks she can decide for your family what you will find valuable enough to pass down is pretty hilarious, in a dark sort of way. She bought a bunch of cheap made-in-China plastic junk and probably has high dreams of you gingerly handing it, encased in a velvet box, to your tearful great-grandchildren as you lay dying. LOL

funny !

 

She doesn't care about the stuff to keep it, but doesn't want to throw it away either, and dumps it on DIL! 

 

But some people really do hate to throw/donate stuff.  My MIL was like that when DH and I were moving a year ago, I was throwing a lot of junk out and she kept digging in the garbage to "rescue" it.  hahaha!  Then I went to India and saw the stuff there, which I had thrown out, and threw it out again! (I'm very stubborn!)  When she dug into the garbage to rescue it again, I started taking it directly to the garbage chute outside.  That was the first time she really gave me her sour face look, and asked me why I went outside (she knew of course).  Which I just ignored and walked away.  Nowadays she always has the "just bit into a lemon" look when she sees me.

What is it with the need to hold on to worthless ugly stuff?  I never understood that!

 

There's always a lesson in my difficulties, and living with MIL is no exception.  I've been wishing I could stand up to her and speak my mind (at least a little).  I've always been awful at speaking my mind, when it's something I know the other person won't want to hear.  But finally 2 days ago, I told her directly she needs to keep her room cleaner (every flat surface had clutter on it).  And the same day I said to her, "You left a mess on the stove from your roti making.  When you make a mess, please clean it up.  I'm not the maid here."  I managed to say it so calmly, even though I was incredibly annoyed!  Well that was huge for me.  I never in my life presume to tell another adult what to do unless they ask.  But I was so sick of cleaning up after her, and her arrogant assumption that she can take a permanent vacation from life while I clean her messes.  I was very pleased I stood up to her!  I'll never clean up after her again.  It was so empowering to stand up to her and refuse to be used.  Of course she did lodge a complaint to DH when he got home. lol.gif




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#102 of 212 Old 01-21-2011, 02:09 PM
 
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He didn't say a peep to me!!  He's already expressed his wish to not be the "middleman" in any complaints.  Probably he also realized she had it coming....! 

 

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good for you! What did your dh say?

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#103 of 212 Old 01-22-2011, 12:08 AM
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Normally an heirloom is something that's been passed down through generations either because it has real monetary value or at least historic sentimental value. That she thinks she can decide for your family what you will find valuable enough to pass down is pretty hilarious, in a dark sort of way. She bought a bunch of cheap made-in-China plastic junk and probably has high dreams of you gingerly handing it, encased in a velvet box, to your tearful great-grandchildren as you lay dying. LOL


I know!  She's definitely a piece of work.


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#104 of 212 Old 01-25-2011, 05:04 PM
 
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rush2lady:  Good for you!!  Of course you notice who made your dh the middleman.  I have not always had luck in convincing dh that I don't put him in the middle - mil does, although he gets it more now than he did in the beginning.  My mil doesn't clean up after herself either, but luckily I don't have her over often anymore.  So glad you got to stand up for yourself and your right to not live in a filthy house because your mil is lazy about keeping a clean living space. 

 

I have not seen my mil since before Christmas.  It's marvelous.  Whenever we don't spend time w/ her she tends to have a rush to the ER crisis, so I'm expecting one presently.  Suggested to dh that we go take her out to lunch today just to put the kibash on that and he replied "Why?  We don't need to get involved in all of that mess."  So, reading my newly purchased copy of Toxic In-Laws (whoo is that FUN to read) - and shutting my big fat mouth! 


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rush2lady:  Good for you!!  Of course you notice who made your dh the middleman.  I have not always had luck in convincing dh that I don't put him in the middle - mil does, although he gets it more now than he did in the beginning.  My mil doesn't clean up after herself either, but luckily I don't have her over often anymore.  So glad you got to stand up for yourself and your right to not live in a filthy house because your mil is lazy about keeping a clean living space. 

 

Yes, I think a lot of friction comes from differing standards of cleanliness.  I've gone back and forth wondering if it's bossy of me to expect her to maintain my level of cleanliness while she's here.  I've decided I'm not asking too much.  If she was super busy and occupied, maybe I would let things slide.  But I think it's reasonable she contribute by cleaning up after herself. 

 

Sometimes I just feel disappointed there is a person here, yet not someone I can chat with, relax with, have fun with.  It almost emphases the loneliness..kwim?  To feel so isolated, even when there's another human being in the room.  Maybe some of my resentment towards her is she isn't who I want her to be!  Which of course is unreasonable on my part.  She is who she is. 

 

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#106 of 212 Old 01-26-2011, 05:04 PM
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So now MIL is considering just moving to another apt. here in town.  (NOT out of state.)  I might just cry. 


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#107 of 212 Old 01-26-2011, 06:56 PM
 
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So now MIL is considering just moving to another apt. here in town.  (NOT out of state.)  I might just cry. 


Is she *really* considering it or just saying it to get a rise out of you?  Still another apt. will give you some privacy . . . .as long as it's not next door.  Which dh and I did for the first 2 years of my marriage.  I hope she reconsiders and really moves FAR, FAR away.   hug2.gif

 

Dh and I lived next door to mil in a very small apt. complex with paper thin walls and she expected to have dinner with us EVERY single night.  So, I totally understahdn what you're saying rush2lady about the lonliness even while someone is in the same room as you. Also you are right that in some cases, parts of the mil/dil dynamic occurs because we had expectations about what that relationship would be.  It is disheartening to find that instead of being invited into a family and loved - you are antagonized, mistreated, ignored, yelled at and taken advantage of . . . . and then blamed for the rift in the relationship. 

 

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I just gave up and accepted that THIS was the relationsihp mil wanted, or got because I wasn't going to sit down, shut up and let her mistreat my family.  One of the things that helped me reach that point was mil ignoring that I even had a birthday for at least five years after we moved away - which she refused to talk to dh for 2 weeks when we announced we wouldn't be living next door to her anymore.  As far as my b-day was concerned, I wasn't expecting lavish gifts - acknowledgement as the wife her son chose would have been enough, especially since I buy all of the gifts that we give mil - and I know when HER bday is.  In our case a couple of years ago dh was in the hospital the night before my b-day and he was released the morning of.  We stopped by mil's house so she could make sure he was fine and she gave him a get-well card.  Dh laughed and made the comment that he got a card on my b-day.  Mil pretended to be completely aghast - as she just didn't know it was my b-day - then blamed dh for never telling her (that I had a birthday?).  Sitting back and watching it that day was amusing.  Why even bother at that point?  Who cared?  But now she makes a big deal of remembering it . . . . when she's not busy insulting me on the day. 

 

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#108 of 212 Old 01-26-2011, 08:32 PM
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So now MIL is considering just moving to another apt. here in town.  (NOT out of state.)  I might just cry. 


Is she *really* considering it or just saying it to get a rise out of you?  Still another apt. will give you some privacy . . . .as long as it's not next door.  Which dh and I did for the first 2 years of my marriage.  I hope she reconsiders and really moves FAR, FAR away.   hug2.gif


 

 

 

 

 

Oh, she doesn't live with me, thank heavens.  But just having her in the same town is stress enough.  She's definitely considering an in-town move, but then is still thinking about moving out of state later in the year.  I guess I'll be cautiously hopeful for that. 
 


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#109 of 212 Old 01-27-2011, 11:50 AM
 
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So now MIL is considering just moving to another apt. here in town.  (NOT out of state.)  I might just cry. 



oooh.  Hopefully she is just trying to torment you, and is still moving out of town.  Don't let on that you care, or else she might stay in town just to spite you.

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#110 of 212 Old 01-27-2011, 02:06 PM
 
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parts of the mil/dil dynamic occurs because we had expectations about what that relationship would be.  It is disheartening to find that instead of being invited into a family and loved - you are antagonized, mistreated, ignored, yelled at and taken advantage of . . . . and then blamed for the rift in the relationship.

 

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I just gave up and accepted that THIS was the relationsihp mil wanted, or got because I wasn't going to sit down, shut up and let her mistreat my family. 


This brought tears to my eyes. I feel this dynamic in our relationship so much-- She can gossip about me, insult me, ignore my feelings, and have no respect for my personal space, relationship with my husband, or belongings, but when I ask her to wait until the new baby is a few weeks old before visiting; *I'm* the b!tch.


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#111 of 212 Old 01-27-2011, 02:52 PM
 
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parts of the mil/dil dynamic occurs because we had expectations about what that relationship would be.  It is disheartening to find that instead of being invited into a family and loved - you are antagonized, mistreated, ignored, yelled at and taken advantage of . . . . and then blamed for the rift in the relationship.

 

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I just gave up and accepted that THIS was the relationsihp mil wanted, or got because I wasn't going to sit down, shut up and let her mistreat my family. 


This brought tears to my eyes. I feel this dynamic in our relationship so much-- She can gossip about me, insult me, ignore my feelings, and have no respect for my personal space, relationship with my husband, or belongings, but when I ask her to wait until the new baby is a few weeks old before visiting; *I'm* the b!tch.


Yes, I think that's what hurts the most, is always feeling like the outsider of the family. 

It's ok to make sure MIL gives you private time with your newborn.  You're not being b!tchy, you're setting boundaries and making it clear that you are the mother to this baby.

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#112 of 212 Old 01-28-2011, 07:35 AM
 
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parts of the mil/dil dynamic occurs because we had expectations about what that relationship would be.  It is disheartening to find that instead of being invited into a family and loved - you are antagonized, mistreated, ignored, yelled at and taken advantage of . . . . and then blamed for the rift in the relationship.

 

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I just gave up and accepted that THIS was the relationsihp mil wanted, or got because I wasn't going to sit down, shut up and let her mistreat my family. 


This brought tears to my eyes. I feel this dynamic in our relationship so much-- She can gossip about me, insult me, ignore my feelings, and have no respect for my personal space, relationship with my husband, or belongings, but when I ask her to wait until the new baby is a few weeks old before visiting; *I'm* the b!tch.


Yes, I think that's what hurts the most, is always feeling like the outsider of the family. 

It's ok to make sure MIL gives you private time with your newborn.  You're not being b!tchy, you're setting boundaries and making it clear that you are the mother to this baby.


Boundaries!!!!!! Seriously, You aren't doing anything wrong. MIL seems almost disappointed DS is well adjusted (not horrible like she was telling everyone he would be) I've just made it a point to make clear boundaries (which we are going to be revisiting next visit) and clear to everyone else I'm not the villain I'm just a good mom. BUT that's able to happen because I can do it in front of the rest of the family AND FIL likes me. she's loosing her 'fan club' and getting to the point she realizes not having Dh and DS in her life is not worth getting her way (where as it is MY way or the highway) AND she is being proven wrong right down the line.

 

I just don't get it...Is she really so delusional to think Dh is going to chose her over me and she's going to get DS?


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#113 of 212 Old 01-28-2011, 08:15 AM
 
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"Hate" is possibly too strong a word but I certainly dislike her and the feeling is quite mutual.

 

I met DH a year AFTER he divorced his first wife but that doesn't matter because she still considers me a homewrecker.

 

I was an attorney in a prominent firm before DD was born and now I'm a SAHM.  According to MIL, I am "taking advantage financially" of my DH and I am a gold digger.  Oh, and I don't "deserve" to have a housekeeper because I don't "do anything" with my time.

 

I "dragged" her then-45 year-old baby to Brooklyn to live. Quelle horreur!  Nevermind that the same price we paid for a beautiful 6 bedroom brownstone with a yard would have gotten us a less-than-optimum classic six in DH's prior 'hood.  If it's below 59th Street, it doesn't exist to her.

 

Extended breastfeeding is "disgusting" according to her.

 

I could go on and on and on...


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#114 of 212 Old 02-01-2011, 04:49 PM
 
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"Hate" is possibly too strong a word but I certainly dislike her and the feeling is quite mutual.

 

I met DH a year AFTER he divorced his first wife but that doesn't matter because she still considers me a homewrecker.

 

I was an attorney in a prominent firm before DD was born and now I'm a SAHM.  According to MIL, I am "taking advantage financially" of my DH and I am a gold digger.  Oh, and I don't "deserve" to have a housekeeper because I don't "do anything" with my time.

 

I "dragged" her then-45 year-old baby to Brooklyn to live. Quelle horreur!  Nevermind that the same price we paid for a beautiful 6 bedroom brownstone with a yard would have gotten us a less-than-optimum classic six in DH's prior 'hood.  If it's below 59th Street, it doesn't exist to her.

 

Extended breastfeeding is "disgusting" according to her.

 

I could go on and on and on...



Wow, a mil who will say just about anything to 'prove' her point.  Is there a super secret society complete with rule book we don't know about?  So many mil's seem to be drinking the same kool aid.  I mean if you raised a son that's so stupid that he's so easily manipulated by another woman, then what does that say about the way these mil's mothered?  Instead when we dil's make intelligent decisions for our families with our dh's, that don't fit into the nice little gift wrapped box that our mil's envisioned we get the brunt of the anger.  So sad and so detrimental to familial relationships. 

 

Welcome to the board - sorry you have to join.  Enjoy your housekeeper and the extra time you can spend w/ your family because you aren't busy scrubbing the toilets. 


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#115 of 212 Old 02-01-2011, 06:58 PM
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I do not hate my children's father's mother anymore.

 

She has done so many toxic things. She has also done many kind things (martyr crap, sometimes). I recently got seriously to work on finding a safe place to vomit over a decade's worth of residual anger. I also told her off, because I made a deliberate decision to do so. I have not seen her in months and therefore I am almost out of anger. It is a step toward me letting go of certain myths I was carrying.


Frankly, her son's refusal to get off the fence and treat me as more important are where the real problems have been. He's come around a LOT, but I think he needs therapy still, and there are significant limits to our friendship b/c he spent so many years playing innocent victim just like her.

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#116 of 212 Old 02-02-2011, 04:46 PM
 
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I do not hate my children's father's mother anymore.

 

She has done so many toxic things. She has also done many kind things (martyr crap, sometimes). I recently got seriously to work on finding a safe place to vomit over a decade's worth of residual anger. I also told her off, because I made a deliberate decision to do so. I have not seen her in months and therefore I am almost out of anger. It is a step toward me letting go of certain myths I was carrying.


Frankly, her son's refusal to get off the fence and treat me as more important are where the real problems have been. He's come around a LOT, but I think he needs therapy still, and there are significant limits to our friendship b/c he spent so many years playing innocent victim just like her.


I was not able to truly come to a peaceful place (despite her continued crazymaking) until DH was able to call a spade a spade.  Wishing your DH the same strength ...

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#117 of 212 Old 02-02-2011, 09:38 PM
 
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*sigh* now it's my turn to ask for support. DH just booked MIL's ticket to come down and see the baby. It's going to be from next wenesday to the wenesday after that.

 

I'm nervous, but trying to be calm... it's sad how much of a physical reaction I have with just the idea of her coming. Rationally, I feel like a week is reasonable; I know she wanted to stay longer, and I know that her seeing the baby is important to dh.  i judt keep telling myself its only 7 days.


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#118 of 212 Old 02-02-2011, 09:52 PM
 
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hug2.gif Stay focused on your sweet little baby, don't let MIL get you down!  I hope the week of her visit will go quickly and without any major issues for you.
 

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*sigh* now it's my turn to ask for support. DH just booked MIL's ticket to come down and see the baby. It's going to be from next wenesday to the wenesday after that.

 

I'm nervous, but trying to be calm... it's sad how much of a physical reaction I have with just the idea of her coming. Rationally, I feel like a week is reasonable; I know she wanted to stay longer, and I know that her seeing the baby is important to dh.  i judt keep telling myself its only 7 days.



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#119 of 212 Old 02-12-2011, 02:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by texmati View Post

*sigh* now it's my turn to ask for support. DH just booked MIL's ticket to come down and see the baby. It's going to be from next wenesday to the wenesday after that.

 

I'm nervous, but trying to be calm... it's sad how much of a physical reaction I have with just the idea of her coming. Rationally, I feel like a week is reasonable; I know she wanted to stay longer, and I know that her seeing the baby is important to dh.  i judt keep telling myself its only 7 days.


How are you doing? 
 


~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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#120 of 212 Old 02-12-2011, 02:28 PM
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So now MIL is considering just moving to another apt. here in town.  (NOT out of state.)  I might just cry. 


Is she *really* considering it or just saying it to get a rise out of you?  Still another apt. will give you some privacy . . . .as long as it's not next door.  Which dh and I did for the first 2 years of my marriage.  I hope she reconsiders and really moves FAR, FAR away.   hug2.gif


 

 

 

 

 

Oh, she doesn't live with me, thank heavens.  But just having her in the same town is stress enough.  She's definitely considering an in-town move, but then is still thinking about moving out of state later in the year.  I guess I'll be cautiously hopeful for that. 
 



 

 

Update:  MIL is going to move out-of-state Weds.  My BIL bought a duplex for her to share.  Bless him.  (And BIL is not married, so I don't have a SIL there to feel sorry for.)  I think I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.  (My ds is sad about g-ma moving, though.) 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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