Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 210 Old 02-21-2011, 08:48 AM
 
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Sorry for the late reply, I haven't checked this thread for awhile.

I'm very happy for you :)

 

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Update:  MIL is going to move out-of-state Weds.  My BIL bought a duplex for her to share.  Bless him.  (And BIL is not married, so I don't have a SIL there to feel sorry for.)  I think I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.  (My ds is sad about g-ma moving, though.) 



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#122 of 210 Old 02-21-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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DH's mother treated me horribly. What made things even worse is that everyone always commented on how welcoming & accepting she was.

 

She died suddenly over eight years ago and my FIL remarried a woman who adores me. So miracles do happen. 


Formerly New Mama to Henry, born August 2005 and Silas, born November 2010.
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#123 of 210 Old 03-17-2011, 10:41 AM
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Certainly not me! I absolutely adore my mother in law. I am also a size 0 and fart rainbows.





I detest my MIL. Feeling is quite mutual. The things she has said and done to me and said about me are unforgivable. However, the real deal breaker has been watching her hurt my DH over and over and over. She is an evil, nasty, mean, miserable woman and I cannot stand to be in the same room as her.

Luckily we've pretty much cut off contact and see them maybe 1-2 times a year for about an hour.

 

i know this is an old thread but I love it.

This is the big one. She has hurt DH more than she will ever know. He is so wounded because of her. This is terrible but I would not be mournful if she died tomorrow. I honestly wouldn't have it in me to be sad about her death at all. I would be sad for DH and his sister and that is about it...

 

This is a woman who looked at her son while they were fighting, he was curled up on the floor sobbing and begging her to listen to him and please stop and she stood over him and laughed...Laughed...I dragged DH out of the room and laid into her the way I have never ever yelled at someone in my life. I could have physically attacked her if I wasn't positive I would end up in jail on assault charges. She revels in her son's pain and has no concept of the reality of who and what she is..

 

Oh she also has conditioned DD to call her mom, I haven't freaked out about that one yet but I am getting close. At this point because we live together I try very very hard to keep the peace and that means minimizing contact. I cannot bear to be around her for more than a few minutes and I look at DH and how messed up emotionally he is because of her and I hate her even more. The word hate has it's time and place and I use it for her with full knowledge of what it means.

When we move out we will be limiting contact with her immensely and not giving her our address because she would then try to come over unexpectedly when she "happens to be in the neighborhood"...Ick

 

I just hate her so much that it is unhealthy for me. I can't help it, she is the most toxic person I have ever met. She has major bipolar issues and medicates herself (periodically) for them but if anyone is familiar with what it is like living with an un medicated severely bipolar person it is almost impossible when she is in a swing. 

 

I feel so badly for the other mamas here. I know we all wanted a MIL that we could grow to love and be close with. I don't understand how there are so many awful MILs in the world. I know it is a running joke but I just don't get what it is about them...It's like a disease or something, MIL insanity or something.

 

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#124 of 210 Old 03-18-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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That is us. We see MIL maybe 4 times a year for a few hours.
 

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Certainly not me! I absolutely adore my mother in law. I am also a size 0 and fart rainbows.




I detest my MIL. Feeling is quite mutual. The things she has said and done to me and said about me are unforgivable. However, the real deal breaker has been watching her hurt my DH over and over and over. She is an evil, nasty, mean, miserable woman and I cannot stand to be in the same room as her.

Luckily we've pretty much cut off contact and see them maybe 1-2 times a year for about an hour.


 

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#125 of 210 Old 03-18-2011, 11:02 AM
 
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Your dh needs to stand up to them now and tell them they cannot come for 4 months. If he does not, I would consider moving in with your parents for that time period. I know you love him and feel there are no problems between you and him, but when he takes a backseat and lets them treat you like this and continue to stay long periods, he is just as responsible for the attacks on you.
 

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I hate both my MIL and FIL, and can't understand how they managed to create the sweetest guy on earth. For the most part I'm totally happy with my marriage but every year smack in the middle of summer one or the other comes to visit from India. I would be completely ok with their visits if they came for 2 weeks but they come for 6 weeks, and its 6 weeks of hell, I feel my nerves stretched thin to the point of snapping. My MIL runs her mouth non-stop, petty gossipy things. After a long day at work hearing her whine and complain in her high-pitched voice makes me want to turn my fantasy of clobbering her with a frying pan into reality. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment so as you can imagine its impossible to shut her out. My FIL is egoistical and a racist, I've to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything when he starts his tirades about religion and politics and the "West". Also I am unable to let go of nastiness from 4 years ago during our wedding. He said some horrible thing about my parents and I just cannot see past it. 

 

I'm 7 months pregnant and they have insisted on visiting us for 4 months. Thinking about the 4 painful long months has started to supersede the excitement of having a baby girl in my arms. My mom can only come to visit me and help me out for 3 weeks before they descend upon me. I feel so trapped and helpless.



 

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#126 of 210 Old 03-18-2011, 09:21 PM
 
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I'm sorrry that I just now saw this-- the visit was a lot better than I thoguht . As frustrating as it is... she seems to treat me better when shes not living here!!  I got through ok, nursed the baby alot, prayed alot, and dh did a good job of keeping her out of my way (taking her shopping for baby clothes, etc). She spent a lot of time with my son, which was actually helpful at times.

 

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How are you doing? 
 



 


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#127 of 210 Old 03-23-2011, 02:40 PM
 
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Thank you so much for your support, I feel like I'm I've found group therapy without cleaning out the bank account!

 

How do we even compete against the inlaws for DH support? They never fail to mention how much they sacrificed for their son and all that lifelong love and attention they showered on him. He is torn between duty and living his own life. I know its so difficult for DH to say no to them, he is torn between making me happy and them happy.

 

I was never good enough for their son, too 'modern' and outspoken. They had an album full of fresh-faced, demure, submissive girls ready and are quite bitter that I snagged him and foiled their plans of clawing their way up the social strata.

 

rush2ady: good luck with the baby making, hope you're having tons of fun trying ;) methinks you're MIL is in unfamiliar territory with you and can't wrap her mind around not having 100% brown grandkids. As for the gas leaks us gals have to outthink these meanies and have our own creative ways of defeating them...LOL

 

Vermillion: *hugs* I'm very sorry for your loss.



It doesn't matter what you say to them - keep them away!!  If my IL stayed with us for 4 months (and I just mildly dislike them) I would be divorced.  The post-partum period was so difficult on our marriage, it definitely couldn't handle in-laws.  Don't do this to yourself.  Put your foot down!!!


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#128 of 210 Old 03-24-2011, 11:50 PM
 
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That's awesome, Texmati.

 

Well my mil strikes again.  Long story short, dh and I ended up taking a large portion of our tax return that was earmarked for an extra car payment to buy mil new tires for her car.  A car she rarely drives, but instead lends to dh's cousin, C, and her five kids to wreck.  We have asked her repeatedly to stop doing this - as has mil's brother, C's dad.  Mil didn't even thank us for buying her new tires - and dh also paid for the supplies and personally did an oil change on her car as well.  The car is a 2006 and was running on original tires, which dh said looked like they were about to shred at any moment.  Mil had saved $60 for the purchase - and we had her pay us at least that.  It still cost nearly $600 and yeah, I'm still irked about it.  Mil talked to C about reimbursing us (not holding my breath) as C has only paid to change the brakes once because her father made her.  Normally she rarely washes the car, or gases it up or cleans up after herself and her kids - but we have had to drive over (60 mile round trip) to help mil run errands because C has had her car for weeks at a time. 

 

Did I mention that we are living on a single income right now?  Mil is on disability.  C and several of her kids are on some kind of state aid - so much so that they use 2 addresses to get all of the checks because they exceed some quota for it?  And while dh and I were discussing spending this $ on mil, she's offering to be an additional address for C to get more checks.  I actually did sit her down and tell her that we would not be buying anything for her if she helped C defraud the government, because we'd need to save that $ to bail her out when she got caught.  I just don't get continuing to enable someone but expecting us to pick up the pieces.  Mil did not even thank dh for the oil change, helping her get her emissions test (the reason she was @ our house to begin with) or the tires. 

 

After all of that, mil called the next day to ask about something I said in passing about a hormone test I had a few years ago.  Basically my body doesn't make growth hormone.  Insurance won't include the daily injections I'd need to function fully - but will pay for all of the meds to treat the symptoms.  Anyway, it plays a huge role in why we can't get pregnant easily and when we do, we just have miscarriages.  I love the little ticking time word-bombs that mil includes.  First she asked if the GH deficiency had anything to do with 'the weight' - yes, I have gained nearly 100 pounds in eleven years because I don't make gh and my cortisol overcompensates - the highest level my RE had ever seen.  And it took over 9 dr's and 9 years to figure all of that out.  Thanks.  She did offer to kick down $100 a month to help pay for the meds - which I suppose is a nice gesture, but would barely dent the cost.  And then she made the comment about never knowing who was 'at fault' for our not having kids.  Nice.  My mother actually took more issue with that statement than I did.  I know mil is mean and only sees me as a broken means to an end.  I guess I have not properly prepared my mom for that.  *le sigh* 

 

How's everyone else doing? 


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#129 of 210 Old 03-25-2011, 12:43 AM
 
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Holy cow. "the weight" "who's fault it was" !!! How do you not just lose it? Cuss.gif

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#130 of 210 Old 03-25-2011, 12:59 AM
 
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NO WAY. Absolutely no! Do or say whatever you need to but they can not stay for 4 months that is beyond ridiculous. It will absolutely ruin what is one of the most amazing special and intimate times you'll have with your new child and husband. You do not need to sacrifice that for people you don't even like. Especially if you're in a 1 bedroom! Even if you were in a 10 bedroom that is a crazy amount of time! You'll be recovering physically and on a crazy hormonal rollercoaster it's not fair to you or your baby! You are your husband's family now too. I lose my mind when my SIL stays for a weekend once in a while and that's not even when I'm pregnant! I have actually invented a "babysitting emergency" So I had an excuse to stay at my friend's house for the weekend....
 

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I hate both my MIL and FIL, and can't understand how they managed to create the sweetest guy on earth. For the most part I'm totally happy with my marriage but every year smack in the middle of summer one or the other comes to visit from India. I would be completely ok with their visits if they came for 2 weeks but they come for 6 weeks, and its 6 weeks of hell, I feel my nerves stretched thin to the point of snapping. My MIL runs her mouth non-stop, petty gossipy things. After a long day at work hearing her whine and complain in her high-pitched voice makes me want to turn my fantasy of clobbering her with a frying pan into reality. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment so as you can imagine its impossible to shut her out. My FIL is egoistical and a racist, I've to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything when he starts his tirades about religion and politics and the "West". Also I am unable to let go of nastiness from 4 years ago during our wedding. He said some horrible thing about my parents and I just cannot see past it. 

 

I'm 7 months pregnant and they have insisted on visiting us for 4 months. Thinking about the 4 painful long months has started to supersede the excitement of having a baby girl in my arms. My mom can only come to visit me and help me out for 3 weeks before they descend upon me. I feel so trapped and helpless.



 

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#131 of 210 Old 03-26-2011, 03:19 PM
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  I actually did sit her down and tell her that we would not be buying anything for her if she helped C defraud the government, because we'd need to save that $ to bail her out when she got caught.  I just don't get continuing to enable someone but expecting us to pick up the pieces.  Mil did not even thank dh for the oil change, helping her get her emissions test (the reason she was @ our house to begin with) or the tires. 
 

Honey, you are showing her that you DO consider yourself responsible for her decisions. I read your whole post, and maybe there's something I'm really not understanding. But, gently, it sounds like you are playing the 'other side of the crazy coin' quite effectively. Have you considered a little more reading on boundaries, or some personal counseling, to really learn how to say 'No, we won't be paying for your tires. Good luck figuring it out'. ?
 

 

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#132 of 210 Old 03-26-2011, 08:39 PM
 
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I can't even believe I have JUST NOW found this thread!  I AM HOME!!!!!  lol.gif  My horrible MIL is the main reason dh and I haven't spoken in over a week and has been such a serious point of contention throughout our relationship.  I'm crying reading the responses on here because for the first time ever, I finally don't feel so alone.

 

I do think my biggest issue is that dh doesn't take sides.  He stays in the middle hoping it will all just go away and not only does it not go away, it gets worse.  They do live out of the country, which I'm thankful for, but they always want to visit at THE worst times and the times in which *I* will be most upset.  One being the upcoming birth of my third child.  First, we're having a homebirth, in a small house.  Not only do I not want that atrocious woman anywhere near me during labor (I'm just a baby vessel), I don't want her touching my child.  I also will completely and totally flip after the baby is born because there is no situation in which will turn out well.  They only want a boy (I have two girls) and are only really interested in this child if it is a boy.  So, if it is, they will disregard my girls even more and if it isn't, I won't be able to stand the comments.  Seriously, they think dh should leave me because I can only produce girls.  Yep, it's all me.

 

I have tried so very hard throughout our marriage to be nice and kind and treat both his parents as I would treat any other guest in my home.  However, all they can do is insult both of us, our children, how we raise them, our income, our cars, our pets, our coffee....you get the picture.  Their last visit my MIL would literally stop speaking if I walked in the room and then get up and leave.  I literally said nothing to her other than "Welcome" and "Can I get your anything?" from the moment she arrived.  She's a self-absorbed witch.  She's NOT ruining my birth.  She won't.

 

The biggest problem I have is dh, though.  Any advice here would be fantastic!  He refuses to tell her she can't come for the birth and he doesn't want me to say anything.  I think he literally wants to wait until she is on our doorstep when he *thinks* I won't tell her get lost.  I have repeatedly told him I will call the police if she walks in this house.  WHY is he doing this to me???  WHY does he want to make me the bad guy?  I'm fine with being the bad guy, but I want to do it NOW, not when I'm in labor!  What should I do?  I thought of writing an email (trying to be nice), but communicating that we are having the baby at home and our home is so small that we really want privacy, etc.  Is that just crazy?


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#133 of 210 Old 03-27-2011, 02:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by amaayeh View Post WHY is he doing this to me???  WHY does he want to make me the bad guy?  I'm fine with being the bad guy, but I want to do it NOW, not when I'm in labor!  What should I do?  I thought of writing an email (trying to be nice), but communicating that we are having the baby at home and our home is so small that we really want privacy, etc.  Is that just crazy?


I think you should ask him this, or ask him if he has remembered to tell his parents that they cannot be there for the birth, or you would be happy to tell them.  Ask every day, and if he hasn't done it by a certain date, then you tell them. 

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I think you should ask him this, or ask him if he has remembered to tell his parents that they cannot be there for the birth, or you would be happy to tell them.  Ask every day, and if he hasn't done it by a certain date, then you tell them. 



I think that's so much of the problem.  I have asked him this repeatedly and I just get the "I'll take care of it" line without any other discussion.  He won't talk about it with them either.  He said the other day that he told them my mom was coming, but that we don't want anyone else here.  I have no idea if this is actually what he said, but if he did, it will make them even more determined to be here.  My point to him was that surely if he explained the factors as to why we don't want people here (dd is graduating K on June 15, baby due June 18, dd bday July 1, we are moving 2000 miles away on Aug 1 - so lots of packing going on, which they will NOT help with, and THEN the fact that I don't want them anywhere near me).  Surely they could understand with all the other factors why we can't have them here.  We are going to pack up most of the house at the end of April anyway, so there won't even be a place for them to sleep and they are NOT taking my only bed (which they totally would, by the way). 

 

I guess I just feel like he is making ME out to the bad guy in this situation whereas I feel they are totally crossing boundaries by *assuming* they are entitled to be here.  I don't understand why he can't see that and understand it.  I think so much of it is that he simply wants his parents' approval and they have never, ever given it to him.  They talk down to him and nothing he does is ever right.  Trust me, I get what it's like to have parents like that because mine are worse than his most of the time about this.  However, there is NO holding back with my family because I have zero issues telling them exactly where that boundary is and where they can shove it.  Dh can not do this, even nicely.  And I feel like if he does try to make a boundary, he blames it solely on me - again, so he can gain their approval and not take responsibility for being an adult.  It's beyond infuriating.  Ugh. 


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#135 of 210 Old 03-28-2011, 11:18 AM
 
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  My point to him was that surely if he explained the factors as to why we don't want people here (dd is graduating K on June 15, baby due June 18, dd bday July 1, we are moving 2000 miles away on Aug 1 - so lots of packing going on, which they will NOT help with, and THEN the fact that I don't want them anywhere near me).  Surely they could understand with all the other factors why we can't have them here.  We are going to pack up most of the house at the end of April anyway, so there won't even be a place for them to sleep and they are NOT taking my only bed (which they totally would, by the way). 

The dynamic you've described with your husband wanting to blame the desire for boundaries on you does sound frustrating.  hug.gif

 

I'd like to think that if you explain things to people, they will understand.  But it doesn't sound like they are the type who would really care about the factors.  I mean you know how there are some people who you can explain things to rationally, and some people who feel like it's a challenge they have to overcome, and will counter your every argument, and if they don't get their way, regardless of how good the reasons were, they will always make the other person out to be the bad guy?  I don't think you can hope not to offend people in that situation, you just hope that if you're loud and scary enough, they'll back off.  That's often when things become very passive aggressive, and people try to manipulate in a less straightforward manner.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband is going to be able to lay things out on the line with them, and even if he does stand up to them and say, "You're not welcome here during this time because you insult our family, make more work for us, cause us stress and we don't want that" they'll still probably blame your influence on him.  So I have no suggestions, other than make sure everything is packed up and there are no beds, and if they show up, don't allow them in the house until they have a hotel room booked.  I don't know...

 

My mom was here visiting for 6 weeks, and things went pretty well, but eventually she started to get really critical of me, and said things that were deliberately insulting.  And I sat there and listened to it all.  Then at the end I told her what she had said was offensive.  That really upset her, she didn't see how I could be offended and said I was too sensitive.  Of course, she truly doesn't understand that becoming offended and feeling sensitive to someone calling you out on your insults is complete hypocrisy.  I told her if she didn't want to be offensive, she should stop saying offensive things.  She said, "I just said you were a bad mother, that's the truth, I don't see how the truth is offensive."  lol.gif  I really don't understand what planet she is from, but it was Great Depression era child abuse planet, so I try and cut her some slack.  And now she's basically on her last legs and is suffering from dementia, so I think the ship has sailed anyway.

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You are completely right, Viola.  They are the passive, aggressive type, especially MIL.  And I agree that they are the type of people that will need to 'overcome' this, not just respect me.  I guess that's the first time I've thought of it that way and it makes total sense.  Thank you for giving me a different perspective.

 

I'm so sorry about your mother.  I don't know how you can stand to have anyone stay that long!  My mother comes for four days and it feels like an eternity.  I wonder women are so negative to other women.  You would think that since they didn't feel supported or whatever that they would want to change that pattern.  I guess maybe they've never felt empowered to do so.  I'm so sorry about your mom having dementia.  That is really tough.  We are going through it with two family members and it is a struggle.


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#137 of 210 Old 04-02-2011, 06:57 PM
 
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Honey, you are showing her that you DO consider yourself responsible for her decisions. I read your whole post, and maybe there's something I'm really not understanding. But, gently, it sounds like you are playing the 'other side of the crazy coin' quite effectively. Have you considered a little more reading on boundaries, or some personal counseling, to really learn how to say 'No, we won't be paying for your tires. Good luck figuring it out'. ?
 

 


You are completely right of course.  I do have Toxic Inlaws on my bookshelf but haven't read it yet.  Although I have glanced through it and I see a little bit of mil in every type.  I'm just tired of this crap.  MIL is a menace - and I know it is only because I haven't really put my foot down.  How do you do that?  Read the book, right?  ;)  This has been a HUGE issue in my marriage - and it is only recently after some other really not fun occurences that dh is even truly on my side about this.  And I hate that it has come down to that anyway.  Still, I really would love to cut mil out of our life completely.  But even when I ignore it - she creates drama.  A few months ago I was busy and didn't answer her phone call twice (which I rarely do anyway) - so dh answered.  She called his cell about an hour later hysterical about how she 'gets it' that I can't even be bothered to answer the phone when she calls and I hate her.  *sigh*  And then I got accused of putting dh in the middle?  How?  Because I wanted to get my homework done and didn't really give a hoot about what that crazy lady had to say?  It is getting better, but not nearly where I would have hoped it would be after 11 years together.  Oh if I'd only known then, what I know now. 


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#138 of 210 Old 04-02-2011, 08:43 PM
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I'm so grateful that my MIL moved out of state. 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#139 of 210 Old 04-02-2011, 08:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rush2ady View Post

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't checked this thread for awhile.

I'm very happy for you :)

 


 


 

I just saw this.  Thanks!!!

 

  She "gifted" us (me?) a fur coat, though.  And boy, those things strike me as ostentatious (and itchy.)  It's going to the thrift store.


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#140 of 210 Old 04-27-2011, 05:37 PM
 
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#141 of 210 Old 01-03-2012, 09:58 AM
 
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I don't hate her... But I'm ten years in and just want peace .... I think having her in my life is killing me and I hate that .... my skin crawls and I shut down and think she is evil 

 

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#142 of 210 Old 01-04-2012, 10:44 AM
 
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I don't hate my MIL.  She's not exactly a collection of personality and behavioral traits that I'd call positive or enjoyable, but I do not hate her.  She is my family.  I am doing my best to find a way to not let myself be driven insane, and work on my own end of things.  Luckily, she is many, many states away.

Now, hubs' closest girlfriend - her, I might come to hate.  He thinks of her as a sister...  I think of her as a self-righteous navel-gazer who has never taken the time to show me the slightest bit of genuine courtesy or interest, but wonders why I don't enjoy spending time with her.  I'm not here to carry your bags and amuse you, sister.  Bleh.  OK - on the positive, constructive tip, she and I are two completely different people, and I need to continue to do my best to find things to respect an enjoy about her, if I perceive that effort as mutual or not.  I can do it!

 

Huge laughs at the size zero rainbow-fart post.  Thank you for that!

 


lovestory.gif   And on 09/23/2011, we were three;  husband, daughter, and me!

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#143 of 210 Old 01-05-2012, 08:01 PM
 
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i'm glad i saw this thread!  i read the whole thing and I am truly sorry for ya'll, especially those who have m-i-l living with you!  I don't hate mine.  I actually put "i love my m-i-l" on my treasure map last year, because I want to and I do HATE feeling so much dislike for someone; I have never disliked someone so much in my entire life as I do my in laws- sisters, mother, and father.

 

I think the problem is that they hate me.  It started when our son was born.  He is their first grandchild and they thought I was queen bitch when I wouldn't have them at the birth.  I did let them come see him the same day he was born, just after we had had a few hours alone.  But apparently, it ruined their chance at being grandparents because they weren't present at his birth.  

 

I compounded the problem when we went over to their house with the newborn and they asked how soon he could come spend the night with them.  I was taken aback and said "Maybe when he is three?"  The thing is, he will soon be three, and if they ask again, I will have to say no again!  

 

 And then there was another time, too...she asked what she could buy for Christmas his first year, and DH told her we needed to get a different car seat and could she buy that for us.  She said she would buy two, one for her car, and I had to tell her (nicely, though) that she wouldn't be driving my son anywhere!  

 

It's weird though, because apparently that is the only way they want to see him, if they can have him away from us.  We live in the same town and they go months and months and months without seeing him, calling, anything.  I guess they hate me so much that they would rather not see their grandson for long periods of time than to have us over for dinner or something.  I used to invite them over here for dinner, pretty regularly, actually, but I stopped.  Because I would go to the trouble of cooking a special meal, and they would eat it and then get up and come in the den while I cleaned up the kitchen...the last time this happened I got done cleaning and was coming to join them, when I overheard something that made me so ticked off I swore I would never invite them again.  They were making fun of me!  It was S-I-L who said it, but everyone laughed really hard and it REALLY hurt my feelings.  Not so much what was said, but just the fact that they were in my house, full from the good meal I just cooked them and talking shit and laughing behind my back.  I guess you mdc gals will appreciate it, so I'll share.  She was using some kind of stupid retarded voice and she said "OH! I don't use soap; if I get dirty I just go out in my backyard and pick these special leaves that I grow and I scrub myself with those."  And just for the record, I DO use soap; I don't scrub myself with leaves!  I guess she was referring either to my herb garden in which I do grow all kinds of wonderful, mostly culinary and medicinal, herbs, or maybe to the fact that WE grow luffah gourds....and of course luffahs DO make excellent scrubby sponges!  I actually use them for scrubbing dishes, though, not for washing bodies.  

 

Anyway, like I said, I don't want to hate my m-i-l or anyone.  I have boys, and I will probably be a m-i-l myself.  I know I would want to see my grandbabies every day if I could, and that is why I made the effort to invite them over so regularly and continue to see her even though I don't like her.  But  like I said, she doesn't even bother trying to see her grandchild now and she thinks of me as superbitch because she can't come get him and "show him off" to her friends.  I shudder to think of what she says about me!  I have heard her say some nasty stuff about people she is blood related to, stuff that I had a pretty clear intuition was entirely untrue.  

 

I should stop!  I needed to vent; thanks for the chance!


Mama to 3 boys 

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#144 of 210 Old 01-08-2012, 10:09 AM
 
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Oh man, I don't hate my MIL.  However my mother is a horrible MIL.  Not to my DH since he set her ass straight but to my sisters husband.  She treats him like shit and makes fun of him to his face... and of course behind his back.  She gets mad at me if I tell her she's being mean.  And she's mad that I don't go along with making fun of him.  He's quirky but my little sister loves him and I can't go against that.  He's good to her. 

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#145 of 210 Old 01-08-2012, 02:15 PM
 
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it's not so much that I hate her .... it's ... not sure how to word it ... that I find her behavior very strange at times and lately extremely rude and manipulative.

 

I've put up with cultural differences and awkwardness for quite a few years but after the last few months I now feel that .... that's it. I can't put up with anymore, even for the sake of DH and the children.

 

So I spoke/ wrote what I had to say (= boundary settings) . She' not happy at all (she thinks it's"normal" to tell me what I should be feeling, .. which I find ridiculous of course). Some other family members are not happy either. .... I think DH is relieved in fact, he won't stand up to her, just run away to another country and limit exposure (he won't ring her more than once or twice a year, ignores her e-mails, won't answer the phone ...).

 

what I find hard to give up is the "ideal" of the happy family picture ... took me years to get to the point that I can now give up that rosy picture that just cannot happen in our circumstances ...

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#146 of 210 Old 02-12-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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Glad I'm not the only one in this situation.

 

Ive been with my husband 12 years now and his parents have never visited us once despite only living a half hour drive away.  When we told them we were getting married the MIL said "don't expect us to come".  They did come on the day but sat with long faces throughout the service and left straight after refusing to attend the reception.  

 

Every christmas my husband gets a card with just his name on and a present for him.  I apparently don't exist. 

 

It was her birthday recently and she had a 'family' meal which of course I wasn't invited to as I'm not classed as family.  She is a wicked and manipulative person who orders the family to do what she says while she sits on her throne and makes no effort to get on with her children's spouses.  I think she's a bitter and jealous woman and dosnt like the fact that hers sons finally happy after a disastrous first marriage and a crap upbringing.  I feel sorry for the bitter twisted old woman.  

 

I avoid her like the plague now but did visit for the first few years we were together and made and effort to get on but she didn't want to know.  I would either be ignored completely or made clear that I wasn't welcome.  She is a selfish and self-centred old woman and unfortunately most the women in the family seem to take after her.  

 

I have 4 beautiful grown up children of my own and I will never put them in this position or make their families feel like they have made me feel.  I think that makes me the better person.  

 

I also have a wonderful and supportive family of my own who treat my husband like he's one of our own.  He sees the difference.  

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#147 of 210 Old 02-12-2012, 10:24 AM
 
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OMGosh! How have I not seen this thread??

 

My MIL is the center of the universe and is a PITA to deal with. Unfortunately, we live about 5 minutes away from her so I don't even have a good excuse to not see her. Over the years she has gotten worse and worse and now it's to the point where I try not to talk to her or see her at all. A few of the fun ones over the years....

 

DH and my first Valentines Day together was completely ruined by MIL's meltdown. At that time DH worked in a nicer italian restaurant around here so was super busy on Valentines Day. He basically worked the entire day and into the night. No big deal. I had made a nice dinner for when he got home that night. Except MIL called him on his way home from work and WIGGED OUT on him for not going to HER house after he got off work (he had worked like 12 hours on his feet and was tired for goodness sake!). Over the years he has spent more time/money on her on Valentines Day than he ever has on me. It doesn't really bother me (it's a hallmark holiday, afterall) but it just goes to show how she is. If he doesn't buy her flowers and take her out to dinner then she flips out and tries to make him feel like a bad son. He and I have never gone out for dinner on Valentines Day, but he has with MIL. He usually doesn't get me flowers for V-Day, but he gets her flowers every year (and some years he's actually called me up to ask ME to go to the store to get flowers for MIL!). And I have. Because I'm that d*mn awesome orngtongue.gif

 

My family lives 2 states away. We see them for a weekend every other month (court ordered for visitation for my older son, I have no say in this), almost never on a holiday (except Thanksgiving some years). She has flipped out many times about us spending the "whole weekend" with my family but not with them. Ummmm.... it's an 8 hour drive there and an 8 hour drive back. Not exactly a relaxing weekend, ya know? We spend WAY more time with MIL/FIL than we do with my family. The first year we decided to spend Thanksgiving with my family she threw a huge temper tantrum, saying that we were ruining her holiday and that we care more about my family than about her.

 

Every single holiday has to be spent with her, otherwise she starts crying and screaming about how nobody cares about her. A couple years ago we put our foot down and told her that we would go to her house for Christmas Eve but on Christmas Day we would be spending it at our house. They were welcome to come visit, but we weren't going anywhere. She flipped out, called dh screaming and crying about how he doesn't love her anymore. She started yelling at him that she could die any time and this could be her last Christmas and wouldn't he be so upset if he didn't see her on her last Christmas? So DH (who was sick at the time) went out in the freezing rain to go to her house. And when he got there she actually made a comment to dh that she didn't actually want us to come over, she just wanted to see if we would. WTF?!

 

But the kicker, the reason I'm pretty much done with her, is in December my dad got really ill. Like, laying in the ICU being told he has just hours to live. Thankfully he survived, by some miracle. We ended up staying there longer than we had planned (2 states away, where my dad lives). We stayed until Christmas Eve and then drove home (got home late that night). DH emailed his parents the Tuesday before Christmas to let them know that we weren't going to be in town on Christmas Eve so we would have to change plans (we had planned on going to their house Christmas Eve). Instead of saying "no problem, let me know when you get back so we can see the kids. Hope your dad is doing better", my MIL flipped out and caused a huge drama scene about how we were ruining her holiday and how we were so mean to her and yadda yadda yadda. Who does that?? So I sent her an email that told her off then told her I'm done with her. If she wants to see the kids she can talk to dh about it. I don't answer my phone or email from her and I leave the house (pump milk to leave with dh) when dh invites her over.


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#148 of 210 Old 02-12-2012, 11:21 AM
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Wow Steph, your MIL sounds insane! Sorry about your dad. I hope he is ok.


My MIL just joined Facebook, and added her three children (including my dh), and my dd (her granddaughter.) She did not add me. She currently has 19 friends, and one of them is my dh's ex-girlfriend from 22 years ago!!!!!!! So, so typical. And she let my husband know, when we started dating, that she much preferred the ex-girlfriend (who was, btw, a drug-addicted stripper at the time.)

And she totally blows a gasket when her kids call their father's wife their stepmother, even though she has been their stepmother for 30 years. (According to MIL, they are still supposed to refer to her as "my father's wife.")

She totally contributed to my SIL's marriage falling apart, and she would have done the same to mine, if she could have.

May I mention again how HAPPY I am that MIL moved out of state? Happy, happy, happy. It has been almost a year, and I still do a little happy dance when I think about it. (But we're going on vacation soon and we'll have to see her then. Sigh. )

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#149 of 210 Old 02-12-2012, 11:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsGregory View Post


Now, hubs' closest girlfriend - her, I might come to hate.  He thinks of her as a sister...  I think of her as a self-righteous navel-gazer who has never taken the time to show me the slightest bit of genuine courtesy or interest, but wonders why I don't enjoy spending time with her.  I'm not here to carry your bags and amuse you, sister.  Bleh.  OK - on the positive, constructive tip, she and I are two completely different people, and I need to continue to do my best to find things to respect an enjoy about her, if I perceive that effort as mutual or not.  I can do it!

Huge laughs at the size zero rainbow-fart post.  Thank you for that!

Not that you asked for my opinion, of course, but............ I think that any friend of dh's, especially an opposite-sex friend, should be completely supportive of you and your marriage. If that's not the case, then dh needs to step up to the plate. He needs to tell this friend to show you more respect.

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#150 of 210 Old 03-06-2012, 12:28 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ms.shell View Post
the last time this happened I got done cleaning and was coming to join them, when I overheard something that made me so ticked off I swore I would never invite them again.  They were making fun of me!  It was S-I-L who said it, but everyone laughed really hard and it REALLY hurt my feelings.  Not so much what was said, but just the fact that they were in my house, full from the good meal I just cooked them and talking shit and laughing behind my back.  


That's terrible, how ungracious of them!

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