Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 3Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#181 of 208 Old 01-24-2014, 10:08 AM
 
newmommy1118's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow, sorry to everyone else who has so much hate towards their mother in laws! I as well feel so much disappointment and anger towards my MIL, I'm trying to avoid saying I hate her but I feel as if I may and I'm trying to not get to that as hate is such a bad word. But I can't stand her. I'm in therapy with my husband right now, we have been for 6 months and it is helping but I actually think my hate is coming out now. My therapist says I need tougher skin and I don't need to let her have so much power over me and I am trying so hard not to. But since being in therapy I am replaying how awful and truly manipulative she has been and it just frustrates me so much!!! I just don't see why you would want to be that way and especially towards your own family. MY husband and I have been together for 8 years, hes the baby, and she's a mom of 4 boys. Since day 1 I could feel jealousy from her and she said my son is crazy about you...you better not hurt him. I was so young at the time that I really didn't think she could be crazy or realize how threatening she was actuallly being. But now that we're older and have a toddler, I realize how evil and manipulative she is and I am so upset because his family has all the resources in the world to be a great family, but because of her drama and manipulative ways they are not. She stirs up sooooo much shit!! They have a family business which is super successful, and yes, my husband was lured into quitting college to work for them because they said he'd be more successful financially working for them then if he went to college. His mom however determines his pay and everything. She has lied from day 1 about his pay. She said once he got certified in their field she'd pay him $25/hr to start off and then increase it each year. He got certified within 6 months and she never increased his pay. When we finally let months go by and finally sat down purposefully and demanded the pay increase, she said she never said he would make that much and for us to give her the mortgage payments on our house and she'd pay that because she was looking out for us and our taxes. I'm an RN with my bachelor's, I'm not completely stupid. I looked into it and our tax margin would still stay in the 15% with a pay raise and in fact, she'd be pocketing an extra 200 a month by paying the mortgage instead of giving him his pay increase. So we demanded no and finally by 3 months of struggling she increased his pay to $20/hr. Still not the $25 but it was what he should be getting paid with his certification. 20/hr is good and we were happy but the thing that gets me is his family is a millionaire, why would she struggle that much?? This was just the beginning. When I finally graduated and started looking for a nursing job I couldn't find one because we are a smaller town and we have many surrounding nursing schools so the nursing field is not short here. I graduated from a major university in our state but because I didn't know any of the instructors or managers here I was not immediately hired. EVery single day his mom called me asking me if I had found a job. She made job looking more stressful than it already was. I was so stressed because I could tell she was angry I wasn't working FT yet. Finally I found a job and things were better but then she started judging me after we got married because I wasn't the perfect wife. If DH lifted a finger to cook or clean she immediately said something about how if he was at home she'd make sure he never cleaned or cooked or had to run to the store to get milk. Well, she got cancer and I felt bad for feeling anger towards her. When she told us all, I'll never forget that sick feeling I got, it was like she enjoyed the drama and she even smirked when she told us all-it was soooo dramatic. She has been cancer free for 4 years now-she got the cancer removed within a week and didn't have to have chemo or radiation. She needed injections for nutrition monthly which she asked me to give to her so she didn't have to go to the doctor for and I gave them to her, happily-I never made an issue of it-she came over and I quickly got it over with and never mentioned it because I knew she was extremely uncomfortable. After about a 4 months she kept complaining she hated depending on me for givinign her the meds and then she told me her doctor said she didn't need them. I think to this day she just stopped receiving them because she hates medicines and thinks she is too damn perfect to need anything. That's my main issue with her-she thinks she is absolutely perfect. She thinks she is the most perfect person and she even told us she didn't need therapy because she doesn't have any issues but two weeks prior she broke down crying to DH asking why so many people have hate towards her, trying to get sympathy from him because I had stopped talking to her. There's so mcuh to write and I'm trying to get it all out on this thread because I really do just want to move on and put all of this in the past. Right now I have distanced myself from her. She has belittled me too much. Things got worse after I had our daughter. That first night home she wouldn't let me hold my own daughter!!!!! She kept falling asleep holding my daughter (she insisted on spending the night) and I'd say please don't fall asleep that's dangerous and she'd say well if i do just wake me up!!! She had insisted on staying over to help out and now I couldn't even touch my 4 pound helpless daughter, granted I am a pediatric RN, and I had to babysit her ass and stay up all night watching her hold my daughter. My DH used to be so blind and never stood up for me until we got into counseling. I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly thought we'd be the 3rd failed marriage out of his brothers and I really think his mom wants that and i think the other marriages failed because of her. All of my sister in laws have issues with her. The only other brother besides my husband who hasn't divorced lives 8 hours away-I think that's the reasoning they haven't divorced. But my mother in law told my SIL's mom at their engagement party-when they divorce I get their kids. She is truly just so evil. She thinks she controls everything!!! I'm going to write more in a little while. Thanks for reading.
newmommy1118 is offline  
#182 of 208 Old 01-25-2014, 09:57 AM
 
crazyms's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,178
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 70 Post(s)

That's awful. The MIL issues can definitely be difficult. I haven't been on this thread in a while but I did post before about my awful MIL. Things have gotten better here since we quit dealing with the in laws as much. Our trouble isn't just the MIL either though it's the entire family. DH gets treated like crap by them and that makes it worse for having to deal with them. For us these people always ignore and leave dh out - to the point of not even telling him when his grandmother is in the hospital or grandfather died - that kind of crazy stuff! Like he doesn't exist until they want/need something out of him.

 

They have helped us over the years but it's never help like we're truly family - example: We had no ac in our car because one vehicle had broken down so we were also to one vehicle when we had baby dd so they let us borrow their truck for a few weeks. That was great but then they took back the truck and signed it over to youngest SIL because she wrecked her car. The camper they let dh borrow when he started working off they wanted us to buy for $4000 but after he returned it when we bought ours they gave it to SIL. It's just stupid stuff like that. They want him to rush and fix any and everything they need or any of the SIL's need but yet they never "help" him like they do those girls. A lot of that is because it's his stepdad so he's the stepson and those are the stepdad's actual daughters but MIL just lets it go. I get sick to death of them wanting things from DH and then treating him like a secondary citizen to the family. We both work and always have but anytime we've had trouble they just nod and agree like yep life sucks. Let the girls need something though.... they just mortgaged their house to pay off SIL's car because she hasn't paid a note since she got it and was gonna lose it. They are also paying to rent her a house too because she's too good to live in the camper they gave her or at their house. Aghhhhh! Add the drinking and meanness and it's a bad situation.

 

We hope to move one day and I'll be glad when we do so I can get as far away from these people as possible. 


Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
crazyms is offline  
#183 of 208 Old 01-26-2014, 10:03 AM
 
mariamadly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,540
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 76 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by punkyegg View Post
 

I also despise my MIL....but you girls are really lucky! I live next door and I see her sh..tty face every day. She always has something negative to say to me and mekes my life miserable. My husband is 100% with my side but still...I cannot get her over!! I wish I didn t give a sh..t about her. I pray she disappars but my husband sais the more I hate her the more I think about her. I have to learn how to neglect her in my mind. I tried to convince my husband to move in an other place but his house is amazing and doesn t want to leave it. He paid a lot to buy it from his parents!  ..............Please help. Does anyone know a psychological trick to convince myself she worths a sh..t!?? 


Wait, what???  Why should you convince yourself she's worth a shit?

 

The only psychological trick I ever used with my MIL (and to a lesser degree my own mother) was figuring out how to change my behavior when she did something to hurt me.  She criticizes a decision of mine?  Instead of trying to explain to her or ask for her understanding, I just repeat my decision -- and don't share the next one with her.  She monopolizes the conversation at Thanksgiving?  She isn't invited to the next one (we had her over a couple Sundays ahead of the holiday for a nice meal).  In short, what kept me sane was accepting she will never change, and realizing that I do not need her to change.  But remember, you don't need to accommodate her, either.  Ever.

aslandess likes this.

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), an underachieving Bernese Mountain Dog (2006-2014), and an overachieving mother (1930).  Married to DH since 1986.
mariamadly is online now  
#184 of 208 Old 02-14-2014, 08:33 AM
 
Triniity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I am sooo happy that there are others in this world with similar problems like me... 

 

My inlaws are so awful. I never liked them, but kind of tried to put up with them, being the parents of my DH. My MIL has some serious mental health problems, she is very hyperactive, very underweight and very weird. Plus full of herself, manipulative and plain horrible. 

 

The peak was reached a couple of weeks ago, when I just found out that we were expecting number four. After stuffing their faces with dinner that I cooked for them (and never got a thank you or anything) - they told my husband (before we told them about number four) that we seriously need to stop having children because our genes are severely messed up and any following child would have the same gene defect as the other three. I was like WHAT THE F*CK?! And than they said they have to have a voice in this, since they gave "so much money for your house" - so they actually have to decide. 

 

I was like: Better leave right now before something really nasty happens here. 

 

The next day the came to a kindergarten party and manipulated the kids within like two minutes so that my DD1 and DS1 were sobbing hysterically. She told them what a BAD mother I am and how I would never let them see her again and how she would KILL HERSELF for that. 

 

That was the deal break for me. No contact anymore. None. Not that they would have tried, or apologised or anything.  

 

They want to sue us for the right to see their grandchildren. I am kind of looking forward to it, openly discussing how FIL slapped DS1 so hard that he was crying hysterically and afterwards lying about it, or how he pulled DD1's hair so that she cried hysterically for like 15 min with a judge. That will surely make the jugde want them to see our kids. 

And I will surely let a judge decide who sees my kids anyway. Yeah, right. 

 

I think I do hate them. I don't want to, because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I cannot forgive yet. One day I'll be able to forgive. That won't make me let them see the kids though, I think. 

 

(other thinks happened as well, I could write a book about inappropriate stuff they did ...) 


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
Triniity is offline  
#185 of 208 Old 02-14-2014, 09:20 PM
 
pepin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Believing I can
Posts: 113
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

I don't think I *hate* my MIL yet but there are things that she does that I HATE.

 

Let me ask this question: how much time is the right amount of time to spend with your MIL anyway?

 

When I met my DH, we hardly saw MIL because we lived across the country from her.  In fact, when I first met her and FIL, I was shocked at how different they were from DH.  It was a confusing experience to say the least.  I couldn't believe that my DH was one of their offspring.

 

Anyway, we eventually moved closer to them -- 12 hours driving distance.  MIL visited a few times and it was weird.  She always brought all this food with her.

 

Ugh.  So now we live 20 mins. from MIL.  When we were house hunting she actually wanted us to look at a house around the corner from her.  We did.  It was laughable.  Quite the dump.  I couldn't believe that she thought we would actually consider living in a place like that -- including the location --  and raise a family there.  It was a selfish move coming from her -- to get DH as close as possible.  I am so glad that he sided with me that we not live in the same city as her.  Or, our marriage would have been finished before the moving trucks rolled up.

 

Things were ok for a number of years.....because FIL was alive.  He passed away a few years ago and now the entire situation has changed.  MIL needs help with everything.  She has excuses for everything, too.  DH sees her just about every week.  Every freaking Saturday morning DH asks what we have going on that day.  Duh, the same activities as usual.  He then calls his Mom to check in on her because apparently from the  moment he wakes up, she's on his mind.  I AM SICK OF IT.  I have come to loathe weekends now because I always know there is the possibility that we will have to visit her -- or DH will visit her....which means our family time is cut short.

 

SO, yes, I am beginning to resent MIL.  And, sometimes I resent DH for behaving the way he does.  He has changed a lot from when I first met him.  I must have been confused when we got married....because I thought we were a unit.  I thought that our little family of 4 came first.  But, it doesn't anymore. 

 

Obviously I sleep next to my DH every night.....but, it doesn't feel the same as it used to.  I don't feel like the #1 lady in his life. 

pepin is offline  
#186 of 208 Old 03-10-2014, 08:35 AM
 
tiname's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I despise my mother in law. She's an extremely damaging and manipulative person. When my son was around 2 weeks old we were talking about breast feeding and she told me that ever since he was born her nipples had been tingling. She orders food for my kids at restaurants without acknowledging me. She talks down at me/barks at me in a really aggressive way when we are alone in the room and then someone will walk in and she will immediately switch over to this sweet and friendly voice. She plays favorites with my kids (the child she had the urge to breast feed is the favorite). She has very effectively turned my husbands family against me (all they see is my sulky demeanor once she has offended me but they will never see the source of it because she's so good at hiding her malice). She punishes me for making everyday mothering decisions for my children. (Ie: if she wants me to wake the baby and I say no there will be consequences). She openly stands against me when I am interacting with my kids every single time I talk to my kids. It's such a consistent problem that I just try not to talk to my kids around her so that they aren't constantly hearing someone tear me down in their presence. And she said that I don't appreciate my children RIGHT IN FRONT of my son. Beyond forgivable! My every waking hour revolves around the welfare of my children. greensad.gif And now she is working on befriending my aunt in doubt to start to turn my own family against me. I'm just so tired of all of the effort it takes to be around her. The worst part is that my husband feels "caught in the middle" despite years of therapy. At this point, she has been so malicious and we have gone to enough therapy that if he still feels this way, he really doesn't know what team he's on. This is a big problem. I hate that she is able to drive such a large wedge in what should be a very happy marriage.
tiname is offline  
#187 of 208 Old 04-07-2014, 08:23 PM
 
beingdiana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I really really despise and can't stand my MIL. I really can't stand her meddling and constant neediness. She has her own husband who she berates and thinks her son is a godsend and raised him to be a perfect husband that she didn't have....and now she does sly things to belittle me. This is affecting my marriage with my husband. I can not stand him for not putting his foot down. It's pissing me off and I don't even want to stay in the same room with him. We've been avoiding each other for 3 days now. I am very upset and wish she would go very far far away but even so, she would still constantly call my husband.

I am so very glad to find that I'm not alone. What is with DIL and MIL...no matter from what culture or heritage, there is conflict?
beingdiana is offline  
#188 of 208 Old 04-07-2014, 08:43 PM
 
beingdiana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.


Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.



Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

How did you get him to Team "Us"?
beingdiana is offline  
#189 of 208 Old 04-10-2014, 04:25 PM
 
hwntaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post

I can not stand my mother in law. The feeling is probably mutual. If she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow I would secretly be happy about it. I have been married for 15 years and have never gotten along with her. She and I are completely different. I do not think she was a very good mother and I do not think she is a good grand-mother. Luckily I only have to see her once or twice a year. But it still makes my skin crawl when she calls my husband or the kids mention "Grandma." She actually told me once that I am accepted only because I am her son's wife and so they know they have to put up with me. She also told me one time recently that she would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with her son (my DH) and his children. UMMM... hello they are my children too and I feel like if you want to have a close relationship with my children then you better try and have a relationship with me too.

Anyone else truly despise their mother-in-law?


Lisa
I feel all your pain, my mil is like a bad hemorrhoid that won't go away. For ten years I've been putting up with her BS and watching her treat my wife like a slave. If you do things the way she or some dead relative did it she gets all bent even if the results are the same. She likes to tell you what to doo if you are sick. Her remedies are nothing but ancient Chinese voodoo. I can find any medical evidence that these treatments have any medical value. She can't throw things away! She wages and reuses paper towels, paper plates, Sheran wrap and the list goes on. We can't do anything on the weekends cause she makes the wife drive her around. We can't go out for dinner without her grumbling. A home is where you want to be and relax. It feels more like prison and I can't wait to get the hell out of there. I volunteered to work the weekends so I don't have to be at the house. In sorry, but when she dies I'll be the first in line to say Goodbye!
hwntaz is offline  
#190 of 208 Old 04-10-2014, 08:30 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,859
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by beingdiana View Post


How did you get him to Team "Us"?

 

 

Good question.  He really had to move over on his own. I wish I had better answers for you, sorry.  I feel your pain. 

 

It also helped me to think of dh as the little boy she messed up in the first place, and he is still constantly seeking her approval and love.  I understand the dynamics better when I think of it that way (then I can just be mad at her and not dh)

pepin likes this.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#191 of 208 Old 04-11-2014, 10:38 AM
 
pepin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Believing I can
Posts: 113
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

A&A -- I feel exactly the same way as you.  I have learned not only more about myself in my last several months of individual therapy, but about my dh.  He has been groomed his entire life to be the golden child.  He has no idea that this is his flaw.  It is something -- if ever -- that he will need to figure out on his own.  He is refusing therapy with me.....maybe because he does know and is afraid of how it will change things.  I often wonder what our lives as a married couple will be like after MIL is gone?

pepin is offline  
#192 of 208 Old 04-16-2014, 08:13 PM
 
tiname's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband was also groomed to believe he is the golden child. That's a really great way to describe it. I think that mothers that do this to their children really believe that they are superior mothers and that they are building confidence. How ironic that the exact opposite is true. It will never benefit anyone to grow up believing that they are flawless, that they can do no wrong, and that any conflict in a relationship must be the other persons fault. It will only lead to issues in relationships of all kinds and a lack of confidence anytime life doesn't work out as planned. My MIL's constant need to bail her children out of every situation and blame other parties for any misbehavior led both of her children down bad paths. Her daughter almost went to prison for life and to this day, MIL will tell you how it was someone else's fault. So destructive. If her son had not encountered me, he could have easily gone the same way (he has said this to me a few times). As aweful as all of this has been, I brings me joy to know that where she has failed miserably, I have not. I think that's why she hates me so much.
tiname is offline  
#193 of 208 Old 08-04-2014, 03:33 PM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Count me in! I struggle because I don't have good feelings towards my mil at all! I've been out of church for a while and I feel bad that I feel this way but she makes me have these feelings she's always critical of me and my house she's critical that I haven't found a job yet and I've been looking my baby is only 3 months old give me a break you mean old bat! And when we went out to eat for her birthday one of her friends made the comment if I had gotten a job yet and then he laughed. I blew up at her the other day and said to my husband in front of his mom I hate your mom I just hate her. I know I shouldn't but she's the most difficult person in the world and God chose her to be my mother in law! Why? Sorry y'all just struggling I'm really wanting to be a better person that women just pushes my buttons.
Georgiamom1114 is offline  
#194 of 208 Old 08-06-2014, 01:34 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Hey everyone, this is my first posting, but I was reading so much on this topic and I really feel all of your pain and I needed to join to vent.

My mother in law is absolutely detestable. She acts like she's perfect. ALL OF THE TIME. She is the goddess of her own personal universe. I guess I should give some background before describing her though, otherwise I just sound like I'm ranting. She has never worked a day in her life, even though she claims she's had this high profile real estate career since she was young. This is untrue. She has her real estate license, but barely ever does any selling. She just keeps the license so she can look at houses she is interested in buying. This is because her husband makes a ton of cash and she sits around looking pretty. She's in good shape for her age, but this is in part thanks to all of the plastic surgery she has undergone to keep her hubby happy. He can afford it, so it makes no difference to him how she gets the results he wants. She also goes around buying herself the most expensive clothes and jewelry that she can squeeze out of this man.She even has a personal hairdresser that comes over to her house 3 times a week after his work hours to fix her hair and do her makeup. Her house always looks immaculate and the laundry is always done and put away and pressed perfectly because she has a cleaning lady that does it all. Well, we can all conclude she's pretty perfect....
Well, considering that she thinks she is God's gift to the planet, anything that doesn't please the queen, I mean my MIL, becomes a reason for her to criticize to no end. When I gave birth to my DD, she didn't really agree that I should breastfeed because she couldn't do it and she said her nipples bled that it hurt so badly. I'm not exactly a super bashful person, but I didn't want her to be staring at my bare breasts when I was attempting to learn how to get the hang of breastfeeding. So, what does she do? She grabbed my boob and tried to put it in my just born daughter's mouth while I was in the hospital recovering from childbirth. I jumped back from her in shock, like get off me! After my reaction, she acted like I was being weird for not letting her mess with my boobs and said I was overly prudish. (If she really knew, I'm actually just prudish around her because who wants to compete with a 50 year old size 2 who only got to size 2 via extensive surgery and liposuction!) So after that she called me 'the titty' or 'the cow' or 'the buffet.' Every time the baby cried, it was, "Hey tit! The baby wants you!" Or, even more offensive, "I don't think you're breastfeeding her correctly, because I don't think you have enough milk. Let me bottle feed her." Meanwhile, she never breastfed either one of her 2 boys. After I started pumping to find out how much milk I was producing, I found out I have about 4 oz per breast that comes out within 5 minutes. All she could keep telling me is how I was leading my DD to be malnourished and that my DD was going to die in my care. My DD turns out to be colicky and cranky. It was just her personality. She's still cranky. And my DD is now 3. My DD got to be so well nourished, her pediatrician has charted her in the 95th percentile for her age since birth. Well, that was years ago now, but she is still evil. She has managed to start a family feud with the rest of her DH's family and alienate all of them from talking to her that now, none of them will even come see my kids for fear of being associated with anything having to do with her.

My hubby and I lived in 2 neighboring counties when we first started dating. All of my friends live in the northern part of one county as well as my parents who are both very ill. After my husband and I got pregnant, he insisted on moving to the middle end of his county where his family lives because he said that his mom would help babysit the kids since my family couldn't. Now that we're here, his mother just acts like she's the most amazing MIL because she's rich and good looking and supposedly she thinks she doesn't torture me like she says her own MIL tortured her. Well she sure is WRONG! Now, she knows I'm isolated here in this county over am hour away from anyone I know and she lords it over me all the time. She won't babysit, and I feel like I'm going crazy because my husband and I are actually pretty strapped on cash now and she knows about it also and thinks we're bad people because we're not as rich as she is. All she does all day is go out and shop and makes fun of fat people. The friends I had who actually bothered to come visit me down here (over an hour away) she has alienated by dropping by unexpectedly when they're here and by saying they looked pregnant, fat, or ugly. Now, no one will come visit us and I'm feeling really alone. I don't know what to do to get away from this monster... My friends have even told me they won't come over because of her offensive comments and they feel really insecure seeing Mrs. Perfect. Oh, and the apartment we're living in is hers, that's why she comes over all the time. Now she added an extra stress and said we have to vacate the apartment because she wants to rent it out to someone she can get more money from. The in laws are renting the place out to us at a deep discount, (but still making money on us) because we're tight on cash. (My DH lost his job and hasn't gotten another steady job since last year, only gigs) I don't know what I'm going to do now.... I guess she's kicking out her son and 2 grandkids into the street because she's greedy and seized the perfect opportunity to kick us while we're down. The worst part of it all is that my DH usually takes her side or just gets quiet and pretends like it doesn't matter and never stands up to her even when he admits to me that his mother is being a royal B****. It makes me feel even worse. Anyone out there have anything even close to this crazinessgoing on?
Breastfeeding Mommy of 2 is offline  
#195 of 208 Old 08-08-2014, 09:43 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Trying to ignore the troll

Glad I found this forum. This post will come out kind of vague because I'm at work and have a ton of things to do. But have to get this out, because I was steaming yesterday and need to write this out.

I am also on the side of hate and can sometimes let it get the best of me. Unfortunately, some of the anger gets transferred to DH when he does things to pacify the troll. I've found the best way to deal with her is to ignore her presence completely, say a simple hi and bye when I see her, and make sure I am never alone in the room with her because that's when her two-faced nature comes out. I'm realizing more and more that her jabs and passive aggressive comments are meant to get a reaction out of me so I look like the bad guy, while she sits there with her sickly sweet smile pretending she doesn't understand that the things she says and does are intentionally hurtful. Another way to get the "upper hand" is to be on a very good relationship with DH - talk about how happy you are, how great your relationship is, hold his hand when she's around, etc. It will really piss the troll off, but she obviously can't accuse you of anything - your job is to make her little baby happy right? : )

And next time the troll accuses you of something, act very concerned about her and say things to DH in front of her like "honey, your mother is not doing well, is she off her meds again?" Or "honey, your mother seems awfully confused lately. Is it time to look into getting her help?", etc.

But yes, you always need the support of your DH taking your side, defending and protecting you. Without that, the troll will drive a wedge in the marriage, and quite frankly, if DH is not willing to defend and protect you, it's best that the marriage is over anyway. There's no point in being together if the troll's influence on your marriage is a constant source of stress.
asteriluxe is offline  
#196 of 208 Old 08-08-2014, 10:01 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by beingdiana View Post
I really really despise and can't stand my MIL. I really can't stand her meddling and constant neediness. She has her own husband who she berates and thinks her son is a godsend and raised him to be a perfect husband that she didn't have....and now she does sly things to belittle me. This is affecting my marriage with my husband. I can not stand him for not putting his foot down. It's pissing me off and I don't even want to stay in the same room with him. We've been avoiding each other for 3 days now. I am very upset and wish she would go very far far away but even so, she would still constantly call my husband.<br><br>
I am so very glad to find that I'm not alone. What is with DIL and MIL...no matter from what culture or heritage, there is conflict?
beingdiana, how long have you been married? How long has the troll's belittling of you been going on, while your DH has been standing around sucking his thumb

The sooner you nip this in the bud, the better. It starts with DH. He should be defending and protecting you. He should not feel caught between his mother and you. YOU are the one he shares a bed with. YOU are the mother of his children (assuming you have children together).

If he doesn't see that, time for professional help.

My DH and I have been working on these issues for 5 years (with the help of a professional). He was a true momma's boy, which I didn't figure out until after we were married! He finally takes a stance against her, defends me, puts up boundaries around OUR marriage, to not let her penetrate. Yes, the troll manages to sneak in from time to time (that's the nature of these trolls), but all in all, talking to a counselor can put a stop to this and prevent her from putting a wedge in your marriage!
asteriluxe is offline  
#197 of 208 Old 08-08-2014, 10:02 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by beingdiana View Post
I really really despise and can't stand my MIL. I really can't stand her meddling and constant neediness. She has her own husband who she berates and thinks her son is a godsend and raised him to be a perfect husband that she didn't have....and now she does sly things to belittle me. This is affecting my marriage with my husband. I can not stand him for not putting his foot down. It's pissing me off and I don't even want to stay in the same room with him. We've been avoiding each other for 3 days now. I am very upset and wish she would go very far far away but even so, she would still constantly call my husband.<br><br>
I am so very glad to find that I'm not alone. What is with DIL and MIL...no matter from what culture or heritage, there is conflict?
by the way, troll = mil
asteriluxe is offline  
#198 of 208 Old 08-08-2014, 12:11 PM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breastfeeding Mommy of 2 View Post
Hey everyone, this is my first posting, but I was reading so much on this topic and I really feel all of your pain and I needed to join to vent.

My mother in law is absolutely detestable. She acts like she's perfect. ALL OF THE TIME. She is the goddess of her own personal universe. I guess I should give some background before describing her though, otherwise I just sound like I'm ranting. She has never worked a day in her life, even though she claims she's had this high profile real estate career since she was young. This is untrue. She has her real estate license, but barely ever does any selling. She just keeps the license so she can look at houses she is interested in buying. This is because her husband makes a ton of cash and she sits around looking pretty. She's in good shape for her age, but this is in part thanks to all of the plastic surgery she has undergone to keep her hubby happy. He can afford it, so it makes no difference to him how she gets the results he wants. She also goes around buying herself the most expensive clothes and jewelry that she can squeeze out of this man.She even has a personal hairdresser that comes over to her house 3 times a week after his work hours to fix her hair and do her makeup. Her house always looks immaculate and the laundry is always done and put away and pressed perfectly because she has a cleaning lady that does it all. Well, we can all conclude she's pretty perfect....
Well, considering that she thinks she is God's gift to the planet, anything that doesn't please the queen, I mean my MIL, becomes a reason for her to criticize to no end. When I gave birth to my DD, she didn't really agree that I should breastfeed because she couldn't do it and she said her nipples bled that it hurt so badly. I'm not exactly a super bashful person, but I didn't want her to be staring at my bare breasts when I was attempting to learn how to get the hang of breastfeeding. So, what does she do? She grabbed my boob and tried to put it in my just born daughter's mouth while I was in the hospital recovering from childbirth. I jumped back from her in shock, like get off me! After my reaction, she acted like I was being weird for not letting her mess with my boobs and said I was overly prudish. (If she really knew, I'm actually just prudish around her because who wants to compete with a 50 year old size 2 who only got to size 2 via extensive surgery and liposuction!) So after that she called me 'the titty' or 'the cow' or 'the buffet.' Every time the baby cried, it was, "Hey tit! The baby wants you!" Or, even more offensive, "I don't think you're breastfeeding her correctly, because I don't think you have enough milk. Let me bottle feed her." Meanwhile, she never breastfed either one of her 2 boys. After I started pumping to find out how much milk I was producing, I found out I have about 4 oz per breast that comes out within 5 minutes. All she could keep telling me is how I was leading my DD to be malnourished and that my DD was going to die in my care. My DD turns out to be colicky and cranky. It was just her personality. She's still cranky. And my DD is now 3. My DD got to be so well nourished, her pediatrician has charted her in the 95th percentile for her age since birth. Well, that was years ago now, but she is still evil. She has managed to start a family feud with the rest of her DH's family and alienate all of them from talking to her that now, none of them will even come see my kids for fear of being associated with anything having to do with her.

My hubby and I lived in 2 neighboring counties when we first started dating. All of my friends live in the northern part of one county as well as my parents who are both very ill. After my husband and I got pregnant, he insisted on moving to the middle end of his county where his family lives because he said that his mom would help babysit the kids since my family couldn't. Now that we're here, his mother just acts like she's the most amazing MIL because she's rich and good looking and supposedly she thinks she doesn't torture me like she says her own MIL tortured her. Well she sure is WRONG! Now, she knows I'm isolated here in this county over am hour away from anyone I know and she lords it over me all the time. She won't babysit, and I feel like I'm going crazy because my husband and I are actually pretty strapped on cash now and she knows about it also and thinks we're bad people because we're not as rich as she is. All she does all day is go out and shop and makes fun of fat people. The friends I had who actually bothered to come visit me down here (over an hour away) she has alienated by dropping by unexpectedly when they're here and by saying they looked pregnant, fat, or ugly. Now, no one will come visit us and I'm feeling really alone. I don't know what to do to get away from this monster... My friends have even told me they won't come over because of her offensive comments and they feel really insecure seeing Mrs. Perfect. Oh, and the apartment we're living in is hers, that's why she comes over all the time. Now she added an extra stress and said we have to vacate the apartment because she wants to rent it out to someone she can get more money from. The in laws are renting the place out to us at a deep discount, (but still making money on us) because we're tight on cash. (My DH lost his job and hasn't gotten another steady job since last year, only gigs) I don't know what I'm going to do now.... I guess she's kicking out her son and 2 grandkids into the street because she's greedy and seized the perfect opportunity to kick us while we're down. The worst part of it all is that my DH usually takes her side or just gets quiet and pretends like it doesn't matter and never stands up to her even when he admits to me that his mother is being a royal B****. It makes me feel even worse. Anyone out there have anything even close to this crazinessgoing on?
Wow, mommy, sorry you're going through all this, and with a little one on your hands!

Your troll MIL sounds like the worst!

First things first, find a way you and DH can find a place to rent that doesn't involve the troll. Since money's short, could you rent the basement of someone's home? By the way, since DH insisted on moving closer to mommy dearest, put the pressure on him to find a suitable place in the area. If not, do you have a family member you can depend on for a while, even if it means moving again?

That's your first step away from all this craziness.

Then you can work on DH standing up to the troll and putting an end to her behavior!
asteriluxe is offline  
#199 of 208 Old 08-08-2014, 12:59 PM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pepin View Post
<p>A&amp;A -- I feel exactly the same way as you.  I have learned not only more about myself in my last several months of individual therapy, but about my dh.  He has been groomed his entire life to be the golden child.  He has no idea that this is his flaw.  It is something -- if ever -- that he will need to figure out on his own.  He is refusing therapy with me.....maybe because he does know and is afraid of how it will change things.  I often wonder what our lives as a married couple will be like after MIL is gone?</p>
Hi Pepin, I haven't read through all your posts, but see the post about your DH refusing therapy. This could be a deal-breaker, no? If you're going to individual therapy, while he refuses? And you don't feel like the #1 lady in his life? These issues will continue to tear you apart further unless they are addressed, I'm afraid

I hope the individual therapy is helping you deal with your feelings and make a decision if it comes to that. Would it be worth it to stay together like that for the next 20+ years, assuming your MIL lives that long?

And even if she does pass away sooner, I wonder what effect that would have on your DH? Would that pull you apart further? Or would he finally be able to put your family first? And hopefully you won't resent him for all the years that you spent being the #2 woman in his life. . .

Some things to think about. Hopefully I didn't stir the pot too much as that wasn't my intent.
asteriluxe is offline  
#200 of 208 Old 08-14-2014, 06:46 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,859
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
A couple of you mentioned the "golden child" thing. That's not quite it, I don't think. I once heard it described as dh being treated as, "You are God, you are garbage" as a child. THAT makes a lot more sense to me. It's not that he was just treated as ultra-special; it's that MIL treated him as ultra-special some of the time, and like absolute dirt the rest of the time. That left him with an insecure sense of self. (And that is STILL how she treats him to this day! Wonderful when he is doing her bidding---garbage when he is not.) Dh is 48. It's only been the last couple of years that he has stopped seeking her approval.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#201 of 208 Old 08-27-2014, 07:02 AM
 
FLmomof1/1ontheway's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South East Florida
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Happy to see I'm not alone

I've posted here before. What I like best about this thread is that I can read and see that I'm not alone. It seems everywhere I go there are grandparents doting on their grandkids. Also for me, my kids gets tons of attention from strangers. Are they all yours, they ask. They are so well behaved and cute, they say. What a beautiful family!!! The older gentleman that bags our groceries at Whole Foods has become their substitute grandfather. They run to him and hug him. Yesterday at the zoo my kids befriended some little girls. The girl told my daughter that they are here visiting their grandmother and she took them to Toys R Us and bought them a bunch of toys.

I guess that's why I'm waking up with hatred on my heart today. For the most part I don't think of my MIL. She lives 10 minutes away. We drive past her road several days a week. She has not seen her grandkids in FOUR years! She have NEVER seen my youngest. And even when she was in and out of our lives she NEVER once spoiled my kids. Never buying them clothes or toys or taking them anywhere. This is not because she doesn't have money or mental issues. She holds a prestigious job at a hospital. Lives a normal life. What makes my blood boil is that she DOES act like a typical grandmother to her other grandson. He has been her golden child since the day he was born. Spending his first three years living with her, them (their is a grandfather in the picture as well). She takes off of work for the week and drives 6 hours round trip to pick him up. Did I say she lives 10 minutes from us? They have a wonderful relationship, my SIL once told me.

I am angry. I am sad. However I know our lives are better without her in them. I have the satisfaction of knowing how wonderful my kids are and she (they) are missing it. My oldest just celebrated her 10th birthday. We were happy and joyful and never missed them at all. My youngest is turning 1 in two weeks. It will be so wonderful to watch her smash her cake. I will never understand how a woman can miss these amazing moments of her grandchildren's lives! But it's not my loss it's hers.
beckybird likes this.
FLmomof1/1ontheway is offline  
#202 of 208 Old 08-27-2014, 07:33 AM
 
IsaFrench's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: now back in Europe
Posts: 1,951
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
me too ... have posted on this thread before ... not so much that i hate her, more like i'm VERY desappointed by her attitude ...
+ it does me good too to see that i'm not the only one ....
on the other hand, reading your post ... made me return to my e-mail box and send her a one line one to say i was glad she enjoyed the pictures
= i do e-mail her pictures of her son and our children (taking care NOT to send a picture where i'm in though ...)
since her son won't do it and i consider it's the "legal minimum" i should provide as a daughter in law IN SPITE of the way she has behaved in the past ....
she doesn't always acknowledge receiving anything, so i thought i would "reward her" pavlov style with a positive comment
(on the other hand, it's possible that any comment or action emanating from me is actually upsetting to her ....
these people are not capable of communicating clearly, i tried for quite a few years, now i've sort of giving up ...
... so nowadays, i act as i feel i wish to act, ... too bad if they don't like the result !!!
sending photos by e-mail makes me think i'm capable of some behavior that is not toxic .....
maybe i'm wrong ... too bad, my conscience is clear in anycase ....)
IsaFrench is online now  
#203 of 208 Old 08-30-2014, 07:39 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Damn yehhh! She is a good woman, but...but... well, you understand.
Trully_Jully is offline  
#204 of 208 Old 09-01-2014, 09:52 PM
 
Earthyone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: portland
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Prying, calculating, alcoholic, with too many issues to list. I don't like my MIL !
Earthyone is offline  
#205 of 208 Old 09-05-2014, 05:15 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh well I have tryed for 36 years to get on with me MIL but to no avail, when bypuying our frost home , they would finance it if it was in DH name only, when pregnant with first baby, if it isn't perfect don't bring it home, if it is a boy I give you $1000 if a girl get nothing, to carry on the name, always undermining me as a house wife and mother, her sons children, not mine , I was never. Mentioned, always obtained a key to our home, lived next door and still does, organising things without my knowledge, when saying something stripped me down, my DH would always say, don't worry, keep the piece, Yeh at who's expense, never had his support, MIL would always treat me different when DH was not around, would steal my children's mail(Xmas pressies) and put them under her tree as hers, when I found out and confronted MIL she said she had rang the senderSIL , when ever we saw the ILs they always gave my husband a list of jobs to do, no ask but demand, this drove me to madness, as I would be doing the soccer run dance run ect whilst he was always at tne ILs when family pics time would send me off saying with hand in front of my face "I was not a true (sir name)"and in next pic gathered my children, now her two DD are also living next door who I have never had bad words, also treat me with disdain and disregard, I have had enough, MIL is so manipulating and controlling, when she doesn't get her own way she chucks a tantrum and goes off, every time we go out of our way to please it is never good enough, I love my husband when we are not home, and DH has never given himself the chance to see what life could really be like without HMs control, I wish he could set himself free, MIL hates me to death, I have so tryed and gone to therapy many times over the years for help, but she has a way of making it your problem, I now know it is impossible , the crunch cane when MIL and FIL didn't come to my mother funeral, they were too busy, and don't go anywhere much theses days, MIL plays 18 holes any day of the week and FIL trains horses and travels for mile anytime, I just can't live like this anymore with all 3x living next door knowing they hate and don't acknowledge me for the nice person I am , have many friends and adoring daughter and SIL , and I love my DIL for who she is and respect the marriage ,hoping for a piece full future xx
Love all is offline  
#206 of 208 Old 09-05-2014, 05:30 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Emotions

I am suffering terribly, by my MIL treatment, I get anxious when ever they is an upcoming farther day etc, I know I will get ignored or snipped at , I sometimes refuse to go, and my DH says I will only look bad, as it don't have my DH support I am truly thinking of leaving him, I know this will hurt him but at lady have to ink of my mental well being, my MIL has stripped me of all my self comfidence, as she is so conniving , cunning and plain rude and nasty, my DH has lived with it all his life and used to it and as we live next door, he is still living with it, he won't move, and I want to be free of them, and his DF is a bully, and MIL is the next best thing, when she doesn't get what she wants she chucks a tantrum, and goes off she is 81 and still plays 18 holes , so don't fall for the frail aged thing, I am truly over it, MIL , undermines me, ignores me,treats me like a second class idiot, and I can remain strong and have stood up for myself over the years only to be treated worse as my DH won't back me at all, help, I have been to many sessions with therapist etc but she is a real beast,
Love all is offline  
#207 of 208 Old 09-14-2014, 05:19 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Please put me out of my misery.....

Your family is beautiful! I absolutely despise this woman who birthed my husband and she lives with us!!!!! I am going to have a nervous breakdown if she doesnt get out of here. It's been almost 3 years. Her family cant stand her either. i have no clue why she is living with us. She pays no rent, she doesn't lift a finger to help with anything, she wants to be catered to, she is super vain, I could go on forever..... I hate her living with us!!!!!
livvytod is online now  
#208 of 208 Old 09-14-2014, 05:23 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL lives with us too........

Quote:
Originally Posted by rush2ady View Post

For the ladies whose MIL lives with them, how do you handle it? 
I live with my MIL.   Since I work from home, I'm pretty much stuck with her all day long.  We live in a 1 BR apartment with a loft.  The "den" has become her bedroom.
Some days when I'm tired or stressed out, she really gets on my nerves.  Other days I just go about my business, and have limited moments of annoyance regarding her.
 
My husband is Indian, and I'm American.  So far, having her live with us is one of the few things that's come up in terms of culture clash.  I'm getting worried though.
THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME IS THE DAY MY MIL MOVED IN WITH US! Just shoot me in the head........:
livvytod is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off