That's awful. The MIL issues can definitely be difficult. I haven't been on this thread in a while but I did post before about my awful MIL. Things have gotten better here since we quit dealing with the in laws as much. Our trouble isn't just the MIL either though it's the entire family. DH gets treated like crap by them and that makes it worse for having to deal with them. For us these people always ignore and leave dh out - to the point of not even telling him when his grandmother is in the hospital or grandfather died - that kind of crazy stuff! Like he doesn't exist until they want/need something out of him.
They have helped us over the years but it's never help like we're truly family - example: We had no ac in our car because one vehicle had broken down so we were also to one vehicle when we had baby dd so they let us borrow their truck for a few weeks. That was great but then they took back the truck and signed it over to youngest SIL because she wrecked her car. The camper they let dh borrow when he started working off they wanted us to buy for $4000 but after he returned it when we bought ours they gave it to SIL. It's just stupid stuff like that. They want him to rush and fix any and everything they need or any of the SIL's need but yet they never "help" him like they do those girls. A lot of that is because it's his stepdad so he's the stepson and those are the stepdad's actual daughters but MIL just lets it go. I get sick to death of them wanting things from DH and then treating him like a secondary citizen to the family. We both work and always have but anytime we've had trouble they just nod and agree like yep life sucks. Let the girls need something though.... they just mortgaged their house to pay off SIL's car because she hasn't paid a note since she got it and was gonna lose it. They are also paying to rent her a house too because she's too good to live in the camper they gave her or at their house. Aghhhhh! Add the drinking and meanness and it's a bad situation.
We hope to move one day and I'll be glad when we do so I can get as far away from these people as possible.
Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
I also despise my MIL....but you girls are really lucky! I live next door and I see her sh..tty face every day. She always has something negative to say to me and mekes my life miserable. My husband is 100% with my side but still...I cannot get her over!! I wish I didn t give a sh..t about her. I pray she disappars but my husband sais the more I hate her the more I think about her. I have to learn how to neglect her in my mind. I tried to convince my husband to move in an other place but his house is amazing and doesn t want to leave it. He paid a lot to buy it from his parents! ..............Please help. Does anyone know a psychological trick to convince myself she worths a sh..t!??
Wait, what??? Why should you convince yourself she's worth a shit?
The only psychological trick I ever used with my MIL (and to a lesser degree my own mother) was figuring out how to change my behavior when she did something to hurt me. She criticizes a decision of mine? Instead of trying to explain to her or ask for her understanding, I just repeat my decision -- and don't share the next one with her. She monopolizes the conversation at Thanksgiving? She isn't invited to the next one (we had her over a couple Sundays ahead of the holiday for a nice meal). In short, what kept me sane was accepting she will never change, and realizing that I do not need her to change. But remember, you don't need to accommodate her, either. Ever.
I am sooo happy that there are others in this world with similar problems like me...
My inlaws are so awful. I never liked them, but kind of tried to put up with them, being the parents of my DH. My MIL has some serious mental health problems, she is very hyperactive, very underweight and very weird. Plus full of herself, manipulative and plain horrible.
The peak was reached a couple of weeks ago, when I just found out that we were expecting number four. After stuffing their faces with dinner that I cooked for them (and never got a thank you or anything) - they told my husband (before we told them about number four) that we seriously need to stop having children because our genes are severely messed up and any following child would have the same gene defect as the other three. I was like WHAT THE F*CK?! And than they said they have to have a voice in this, since they gave "so much money for your house" - so they actually have to decide.
I was like: Better leave right now before something really nasty happens here.
The next day the came to a kindergarten party and manipulated the kids within like two minutes so that my DD1 and DS1 were sobbing hysterically. She told them what a BAD mother I am and how I would never let them see her again and how she would KILL HERSELF for that.
That was the deal break for me. No contact anymore. None. Not that they would have tried, or apologised or anything.
They want to sue us for the right to see their grandchildren. I am kind of looking forward to it, openly discussing how FIL slapped DS1 so hard that he was crying hysterically and afterwards lying about it, or how he pulled DD1's hair so that she cried hysterically for like 15 min with a judge. That will surely make the jugde want them to see our kids.
And I will surely let a judge decide who sees my kids anyway. Yeah, right.
I think I do hate them. I don't want to, because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I cannot forgive yet. One day I'll be able to forgive. That won't make me let them see the kids though, I think.
(other thinks happened as well, I could write a book about inappropriate stuff they did ...)
Trin with DH , DD(7) and DS(5) , DD(2) , , (due 5/14)
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
I don't think I *hate* my MIL yet but there are things that she does that I HATE.
Let me ask this question: how much time is the right amount of time to spend with your MIL anyway?
When I met my DH, we hardly saw MIL because we lived across the country from her. In fact, when I first met her and FIL, I was shocked at how different they were from DH. It was a confusing experience to say the least. I couldn't believe that my DH was one of their offspring.
Anyway, we eventually moved closer to them -- 12 hours driving distance. MIL visited a few times and it was weird. She always brought all this food with her.
Ugh. So now we live 20 mins. from MIL. When we were house hunting she actually wanted us to look at a house around the corner from her. We did. It was laughable. Quite the dump. I couldn't believe that she thought we would actually consider living in a place like that -- including the location -- and raise a family there. It was a selfish move coming from her -- to get DH as close as possible. I am so glad that he sided with me that we not live in the same city as her. Or, our marriage would have been finished before the moving trucks rolled up.
Things were ok for a number of years.....because FIL was alive. He passed away a few years ago and now the entire situation has changed. MIL needs help with everything. She has excuses for everything, too. DH sees her just about every week. Every freaking Saturday morning DH asks what we have going on that day. Duh, the same activities as usual. He then calls his Mom to check in on her because apparently from the moment he wakes up, she's on his mind. I AM SICK OF IT. I have come to loathe weekends now because I always know there is the possibility that we will have to visit her -- or DH will visit her....which means our family time is cut short.
SO, yes, I am beginning to resent MIL. And, sometimes I resent DH for behaving the way he does. He has changed a lot from when I first met him. I must have been confused when we got married....because I thought we were a unit. I thought that our little family of 4 came first. But, it doesn't anymore.
Obviously I sleep next to my DH every night.....but, it doesn't feel the same as it used to. I don't feel like the #1 lady in his life.
I am so very glad to find that I'm not alone. What is with DIL and MIL...no matter from what culture or heritage, there is conflict?
You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.
Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.
Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.
How did you get him to Team "Us"?
I can not stand my mother in law. The feeling is probably mutual. If she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow I would secretly be happy about it. I have been married for 15 years and have never gotten along with her. She and I are completely different. I do not think she was a very good mother and I do not think she is a good grand-mother. Luckily I only have to see her once or twice a year. But it still makes my skin crawl when she calls my husband or the kids mention "Grandma." She actually told me once that I am accepted only because I am her son's wife and so they know they have to put up with me. She also told me one time recently that she would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with her son (my DH) and his children. UMMM... hello they are my children too and I feel like if you want to have a close relationship with my children then you better try and have a relationship with me too.
Anyone else truly despise their mother-in-law?
Good question. He really had to move over on his own. I wish I had better answers for you, sorry. I feel your pain.
It also helped me to think of dh as the little boy she messed up in the first place, and he is still constantly seeking her approval and love. I understand the dynamics better when I think of it that way (then I can just be mad at her and not dh)
A&A -- I feel exactly the same way as you. I have learned not only more about myself in my last several months of individual therapy, but about my dh. He has been groomed his entire life to be the golden child. He has no idea that this is his flaw. It is something -- if ever -- that he will need to figure out on his own. He is refusing therapy with me.....maybe because he does know and is afraid of how it will change things. I often wonder what our lives as a married couple will be like after MIL is gone?