Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 8 - Mothering Forums

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#211 of 221 Old 11-12-2014, 10:29 AM
 
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I LOATHE my MIL and I have been struggling to find coping mechanisms. She is "bipolar" and I use quotations because her behavior doesn't wuLify as bipolar, she's simply a terrible person. She has, on more than one occasion, told my husband lies about me to cause problems, fell through last minute to help me because I was giving birth to my son, had a 2 year old while my husband was deployed and she is the most self centered inconsiderate person I've ever met. My husband demands a relationship with his father and she's part of the package because she is in complete control of her husband, my FIL. They're around every 6-8 weeks and stay with us for the weekend. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
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#212 of 221 Old 12-04-2014, 05:05 PM
 
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Wow... This is still a popular topic, talk about a blast from the past. Must be the holiday season and enforced family get togetherness that is going around. Hang in there everyone, Christmas and attendant visitation by unwanted in laws is about to hit, but soon it will be February , blessed, quiet, peaceful February.
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#213 of 221 Old 01-09-2015, 09:56 AM
 
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Omg, I despise my mother in law. After we went through terrible infertility treatments and then lost a baby, my husband confided in her his sadness, and she used his vulnerability to talk him into leaving me while he still able to have kids with someone else. For 8 terrible weeks she fawned over a woman he took up with that works where my Mil works and was more to her liking. I almost lost my marriage and my mind. Now that we're back together, I have to have holidays with my in laws knowing they want me and my useless uterus out of their son's life. He loves them and says I shouldn't hold a grudge. Sometimes I think that it will just break me. If my husband ever leaves me again the one good thing about it would be id never have to see my MIL'S cold treacherous face.
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#214 of 221 Old 05-23-2015, 08:36 AM
 
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I should be on the Board of Directors!

I don't hate my MIL because that is not a strong enough word to describe how I feel about her. I supersoniccatastrophicplutoHATE that seed of satan. She is nothing more than a taker and instead of wanting her son to be an upstanding husband, she makes him feel like I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He had not accomplished not one thing before we were together and with my guidance and support he is a Man today. Although he has grown financially with me he is still a boy when it comes to shutting down her crap. He never defends me and even once said that he can understand why she treats me the way she does. I served him with divorce papers the next day. We talked about things and decided to stay together but I certainly view him through different eyes. I know that I will never feel loved unconditionally by him and I accept that and constantly remind myself that I am standing alone. The only good thing about it is that it keeps me always on my toes knowing that Im the only solider in my Army. If I had known what I know now I would've never even said hello to my husband the first time. I was so much happier when I was a single booty call for my ex who's mom I absolutely adore. I look forward to my next life and I hope in that life I remember all of the hurt I have endured in this one so I can make a better choice for a life partner.

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#215 of 221 Old 10-20-2015, 06:36 PM
 
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I hate my MIL. She's been dead for over 2 decades but I still feel such intense hatred towards her. So much so that it defines me and undermines my marriage because I allow it to.

She was an abusive, psychotic drunk that called me the most disgusting names imaginable. And I hate myself for continuously putting myself in situations where she could taunt me. She lives on because I don't let her die. I keep her memory alive by telling anyone who will listen what a low life she was. It has gotten so bad that I have begun "combining" how I feel about my husband with how I feel about her. I still feel anger towards him for allowing her to talk to me in such a disrespectful way, even though it was so many years ago.

It feels good to speak so unkindly of her. I don't know why I just can't let it go. I welcome any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks.
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#216 of 221 Old 10-22-2015, 08:40 AM
 
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i don't know if what i have to say will help you .... but in my experience, i was only able to "let go" of the hurt and resentment AFTER i felt truly listened to, understood, and that my feelings were NOT put down nor ignored but acknowledged as valid. And that happened in real life, with various people, some of them part of a parenting support group ... over a period of time. Now, do you have some sort of emotional support in your life (i mean "NOT" your husband since he's part of the issue) ...or can you work out some place/time/people who can offer you that type of support ?
.... good luck, it IS worth exploring what can be of help to you now ... so that you can "unblock" all the negativity that you have become so used to .... and start to free yourself from the past and start living now, with the living beings who are around you now, and create joy and happiness .... easier said than done .... but worth all the hard work entailed ...
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#217 of 221 Old 10-27-2015, 08:14 PM
 
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thank you @IsaFrench for your words of encouragement. I currently do not have the kind of emotional support you refer to, but agree it's a good place to start.
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#218 of 221 Old 10-29-2015, 05:26 AM
 
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The poison from my in-laws (and parents, in my case) became much weaker the day my DH said, "They were wrong. You're not crazy." He's been saying the same thing different ways for a few years now -- and it took him a long time to get to that point -- but when he used that particular wording it was such a relief that I started crying.

So, passing it along in case it helps in your situation: "They were wrong. You're not crazy."

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989) and DS2 (1992). Caregiver to my mother (1930). Married to DH since 1986.
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#219 of 221 Old 11-05-2015, 04:10 PM
 
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Thanks so much @mariamadly . A light went on in my head when @IsaFrench wrote about being "truly listened to" and now you echo that same thought when your husband said - "They were wrong. You're not crazy."

My husband will not say those words to me, or anything remotely close to that. He just tells me to to get over it already which is probably why I can't get over it already : (
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#220 of 221 Old 11-06-2015, 02:34 AM
 
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anothing point is that ... support may not be coming from those people you would "normaly" expect support from .... sometimes it's from people you barely met but with whom "something clicks" just because they are presently at a place in their life where something echoes in you because you can benefit from what they have been through .... even though they may not realise this and may not be actually making any concerted effort to help you .....

= have just been putting in practice my ideas on listening and being listened to ... these last 2 days, by e-mail (following the ghastly discovery by some of my children on social media of seflies of a family member with tubes in his nose and graphic details of his medical condition, with regular updates from his hospital bed .... I just felt SO hurt that my children could be upset by such emotionnally irresponsible behavior .....) there's another daughter in law in that family who shares my shock and horror at some of the going-ons in that family ..... and i know that she understands me "from the inside"

so we are hoping to share a few e-mails describing our feelings
.... and then working on the idea that we don't need that crap in our life and trying to let go of all the hurt feelings,
recognising that we had a place and time to grieve over the relationship which will never be what we had hoped it would be

... and telling each other that we both tried our best intentions, humanely, .... but that there's only so much we can do ourselves if the other party is so emotionnaly un-well that they don't seem to be able to function mentally lile "normal/average people"

.... in order to make place in our day to day life for better feelings and actions to do us good (have just come back from a yoga class ... even if it's only 20 minutes on-line doing deep breathting with the help of a web site .... it's just the idea of making a time and place for yourself and making the choice, as aware as possible (not easy at first so switch off the worrying thoughts in our mind ...)

well, i'm not saying that it's easy for me .... it's a process, and at the beginning, every minute that i can do something for me instead of thinking of them and the hurt i had felt .... every minute counts .... until it becomes second nature ...
i need to leave the computer ....
good luck in your search, cast your net wide ...it may not be people you know in real life, it could be just ideas you take from here or there ... start with facing the sun eyes closed for a few minutes and just breathing .... directing your thoughts towards what you hear, or the feeling of the sun on your face .....

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#221 of 221 Old 12-20-2015, 10:51 AM
 
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I have to thank all of the contributors to this thread. I am in a gay relationship for the past twenty years. We are now married with children, and I thought that my mother-in-law was just an extreme example of homophobia (even though, of course, she knows gay people). But now I realize two things: mothers-in-law can be equally ferocious to their daughters-in-law and I am REALLY fortunate not to have her in my life.

Even after twenty years, my mother-in-law has never recognized my relationship with my husband, her formerly golden child. She cried and screamed when we got together, of course didn't come to our wedding, and pretends that our children are her son's alone. Although very wealthy, she cut her son off without a cent, obviously not paying a penny of the surrogacy process that left us nearly penniless. She has never seen her only grandchildren, because she would have to see me as well.

Of course, the sad thing is that my husband has been incapable, really, of standing up to her, because he has been brought up to need her approval and love.

That said, I have finally learned not to expect her to change (took me a long time!) nor to expect my husband to change (took me a long time!) to be happy she wasn't physically in our lives (that I understood quickly!) and finally to realize that -- if she had a daughter-in-law -- she would have tried to destroy her, in a different way (thanks to this forum!).
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