Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-23-2010, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can not stand my mother in law. The feeling is probably mutual. If she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow I would secretly be happy about it. I have been married for 15 years and have never gotten along with her. She and I are completely different. I do not think she was a very good mother and I do not think she is a good grand-mother. Luckily I only have to see her once or twice a year. But it still makes my skin crawl when she calls my husband or the kids mention "Grandma." She actually told me once that I am accepted only because I am her son's wife and so they know they have to put up with me. She also told me one time recently that she would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with her son (my DH) and his children. UMMM... hello they are my children too and I feel like if you want to have a close relationship with my children then you better try and have a relationship with me too.
Anyone else truly despise their mother-in-law?

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Old 02-23-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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Well...I tried for many years to be flexible. MIL even moved in with us three different times because of her relationship problems. She was never into our kids because they're "boys". Dh cut her off but I tried to stay friendly and take the kids over to see her. But the truth is she really didn't want to see them. It was always me making the arrangements, on her terms. So one night I find a comment on facebook that she wrote which said in basic terms she ONLY got grandsons and it was disappointing. I had raging pregnant hormones and commented back harshly. I basically gave her a piece of my mind. Her husband totally slammed me a hurtful comment back. Oh well! I just don't care any more. Just like your MIL, she was not a good mother and probably even worse grandma. I don't have to put my kids through her crap. She would yell at them, threaten to smack them, talk over them.
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Old 02-23-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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Certainly not me! I absolutely adore my mother in law. I am also a size 0 and fart rainbows.
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Old 02-23-2010, 11:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by buckeye_bebe View Post
Certainly not me! I absolutely adore my mother in law. I am also a size 0 and fart rainbows.




I detest my MIL. Feeling is quite mutual. The things she has said and done to me and said about me are unforgivable. However, the real deal breaker has been watching her hurt my DH over and over and over. She is an evil, nasty, mean, miserable woman and I cannot stand to be in the same room as her.

Luckily we've pretty much cut off contact and see them maybe 1-2 times a year for about an hour.
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Old 02-23-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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Wow, I feel like I'm in "Finding Your Tribe."

Count me seriously in.

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), and an overachieving mother (1930). Married to DH since 1986.
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Old 02-23-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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I do.

We should totally have a tribe.

She lives with us and we haven't spoke (not hi, bye, or excuse me) in months. I hate her guts, and I think she ruined some of the best years of my life.

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Old 02-23-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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Mine cried so hard at the wedding that folks asked me about it for years.

Been married 22 years this May.
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Old 02-23-2010, 04:47 PM
 
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Me! Me!

I've tried over the years to let go of the resentment I have toward her, but she's treated DH terribly his entire life and I can't get past how much she's hurt him (and continues to hurt him).

Unlike some other posters, I don't believe she's truly evil. She's just extrememely self absorbed and if the world doesn't revolve around her, she makes everyone else miserable. I can't stand to be around her and her drama.

Luckily we rarely see her, maybe once a year.

It's nice to know there are others out there suffering as well! Although I wish none of us had horrible mothers in law.

I'm Megan , married to Steve, mama to Rowan (11/07) and thrilled to be 03/10!
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Old 02-23-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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It's nice to know there are others out there suffering as well! Although I wish none of us had horrible mothers in law.
Exactly! I was so relieved to see this thread but so heartbroken about the blighted families involved.

I just feel like reaching back through decades and strangling her for some of the things she (and FIL) did to DH's childhood.

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), and an overachieving mother (1930). Married to DH since 1986.
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Old 02-23-2010, 05:32 PM
 
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I don't hate or despise my MIL bc she pretty much leaves us alone.

However, she was not a good mother and as a result my dh has a lot of hurt from past abuse and all the crap he had to deal w/as a child. Fortunately he has fared the best out of the boys (4 boys and 1 girl) and he and his sister are living good lives right now. The other ones, not so much.

It really hurts me bc I see how she still dissapoints my dh. He has forgiven her for everything she has done even though she has never asked for forgiveness, she just pretends it never happened. It also hurts him bc she shows no interest in the kids whatsoever and he loves being a dad. I don't think he was prepared for her to be so uninterested.

While she and I have abosolutely nothing in common we get along and I love that she respects our relationship and would never try and come between us. She would be there if we needed her in pinch but she's not someone who dh can really call mom.

Fortunately, dh and my parents get along really well and he loves spending time w/them. He kind of adopted them as his parents and they are completely involved in our lives.

I feel bad for all of you who have meddling, toxic, hurtful MILs. It's really sad that they can't put their own junk aside and really want their own children to be happy and loved.

Wife to dh, Mommy to ds1 12/2002, ds2 9/2005, and ds3 9/2008.
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Old 02-23-2010, 05:35 PM
 
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Yes. And in fact, it's very likely she will fall off the face of the earth in the next year or so. She takes such terrible care of herself, and doesn't do such a hot job taking care of anyone else either.

I'm in counseling trying to learn, among other things, how to freakin' deal with her before it eats me up from the inside out. I'm still trying to find a way to trick her into coming along, so my therapist can see she's not a figment of my imagination. I wish I could laugh about it all...

Since '05 just me and B, but in 2/08 E made three!
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Old 02-23-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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Mine! Me!

While I take ownership for our multitude of issues - my exMIL is one of the reasons my exdh and I are divorced. She really did a number on him growing up (emotional/mental abuse/neglect) and I got to try and pick up the pieces as a married adult. Fail.

She also saw (sees) my two children as her second chance to be a parent. Sorry, you had your shot and blew it (royally to boot) and my kids are not going to be subject to your mindless manipulations and passive-aggressive ways.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages, but one of the best parts of being divorced is not having to deal with that woman anymore.

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Old 02-23-2010, 11:51 PM
 
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I'm no fan of my MIL, but I don't hate her. I just prefer her to stay far, far away. And not call when she's drunk. And not include me in any of her drama. And not include DH in any of her drama. And to remember my DD's birthday. Besides that, we're fine.
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Old 02-24-2010, 01:06 AM
 
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Add me to the group! DH and I had been married for something like 7 or 8 years and the woman was always very kind and we never had one, single issue. Then, BIL got married to the most hateful being on the planet. I don't know what happened but one evening out of the blue, MIL turned on me and barricaded me (yes, literally) in a room and screamed at me for about 20 minutes for stuff that was way out of my control. I don't know if it was a menopausal moment for MIL, or if she just decided the new DIL was way better than me (because the sis-in-law also is a size 0 and farts rainbows, and is better for them socially as her parents are rich and married, but mine are divorced and working class), but the previously nice woman decided right then and there that she would become my enemy and that I was the anti-Christ. I was shocked and took her verbal abuse for about 10 minutes and then decided to give it right back.

DH caught wind of what was going on and rescued me. He agreed the whole thing was completely out of character for his mom but he proceeded to stand up for me and ripped her a new one. We packed up the kids and the car and made the 8 hour journey back home.

We've since decided that SIL was behind all of this but MIL doesn't call (she has FIL do it), we don't go visit, and the once a year visit from them (to see the grandkids) gets them a stay at the local hotel.
Apparently, she hates me and I loathe her. I could write a novel about the crazy things she's said and done since, but all that matters is this woman did a complete about face for no apparent reason. I don't want or need a toxic person like that in my life and I certainly don't want my kids around it.
And I do really hate her now for things she went on to say to my kids and my DH. I don't really care if she hates me, but mess with my offspring, all bets are off!

If I never see the woman again, I won't miss her.

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Old 02-24-2010, 03:27 AM
 
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[QUOTE=Rowansmama;15105769

I've tried over the years to let go of the resentment I have toward her, but she's treated DH terribly his entire life and I can't get past how much she's hurt him (and continues to hurt him).
.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. After knowing my MIL for 10 years, she never stops amazing me in the ways she discovers to hurt DH. It makes me sick. I think she has some mental health issues going on, or maybe she is just that twisted, but whatever the case, we do not speak to her anymore. It doesn't make it any better for DH though, he always thinks that if he wasn't such a horrid person that things would of been different. He isn't, but a lifetime of being told that he was sent from hell to ruin her life did damage.


Mine did semi fall off the face of the the earth, the IL's went from living in the next town over to moving across the other side of the country to live near BIL and their wonderful children and "only" grandchildren per her company's FB face. DH still speaks to BIL, but somehow BIL never got around to telling him that his parents moved, like last summer, I just discovered it this month. Ouch for DH. He has now pretty much written off BIL as well.


Even when the IL's were in our life, it was all I could do to be in the same room as MIL, she makes me feel physically ill. I generally like most people, and try to find the positive, but there was nothing positive there. She hated me so much that after trying to get DH to leave me for years, she switched and started trying to get ME to leave DH. How you ask? Simple. She started calling DH's employees (he is a business owner) and telling him that he was having an affair with his secretory hoping I would hear about it and leave him. Imagine as a business owner, having to call a company meeting to explain that all the rumors going around are false and started by your own mother who um, has issues.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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Old 02-24-2010, 05:21 PM
 
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I wouldn't say I hate my MIL, but that's only b/c I don't think she understands the way she is. I don't think she intends to be completely disconnected, uninterested, and self absorbed. But she has been a HUGE disappointment to me and I really struggle with accepting that I'm stuck with her. Thankfully, we live very far away and she never wants to visit us. That makes it bearable, I suppose.
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Old 02-24-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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Not hate, but deeply dislike.

She is a joke. A lying, thieving, controlling, manipulative, fake joke.

She was an atrocious mother (she took my poor DH with her to deal drugs!!) and is trying to redeem herself or something through my children. No thanks, stay away!

I could write many, many paragraphs on all the things she's done, but I don't want to get my BP up.

I am polite to her, but that is it.

Single Mama to five 6 and under!
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Old 02-25-2010, 02:44 AM
 
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Oh me! She is a controlling, manipulative witch that my husband loves and adores. Just a couple of her latest stunts include...pushing for DD's baptism, don't you know she might just die before being a part of the baptism, also her reason for invading our space when DD was only a day old. Pushing to be a part of our kids lives because she has that RIGHT. Being totally disrespectful of the way I raise my kids and sneaking my DD meat being fully aware that she is being raised a veggie. I could have killed her. All her kids are damaged by being raised in an alcoholic home and they all drive drunk, once with my oldest in the car. I hate, hate , hate her. To be honest I'm not fond of any of them, hubby included. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have gotten married. I would have run very fast and very far away!
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Old 02-25-2010, 02:51 AM
 
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Thankfully, my MIL lives in another country

Katherine, SAHM to 2 little princes
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Old 02-25-2010, 03:16 AM
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You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.


Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 12-16-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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bump.gif

For the ladies whose MIL lives with them, how do you handle it? 

I live with my MIL.   Since I work from home, I'm pretty much stuck with her all day long.  We live in a 1 BR apartment with a loft.  The "den" has become her bedroom.

Some days when I'm tired or stressed out, she really gets on my nerves.  Other days I just go about my business, and have limited moments of annoyance regarding her.

 

My husband is Indian, and I'm American.  So far, having her live with us is one of the few things that's come up in terms of culture clash.  I'm getting worried though.

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Old 12-16-2010, 10:36 PM
 
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Yep, I hate my MIL.  Until recently, I've felt only pity or compassion, at times, and given her the benefit of the doubt due to her mental illness.  But as I've learned more and more about her and the things she has done, the pity has turned to disgust, then disgust to hate.  What she's done goes way beyond mental illness.  Mental illness does not make a person evil and my MIL is evil.

 

 

ETA: oops, i didn't realize this was such an old thread.  I hope it isn't too late to commiserate ;)

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Old 12-16-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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I don't like to use the word hate, but yeah, pretty much.  Count me in. I could recount the things she has done to me personally, to my DH, and even to precious DS, but it would take sooo long, and it would just upset me too much.

 

But I will say this. She's the most selfish, controlling, truly cruel person I have ever met. If the world is not revolving around her, she is unbearable. If it is revolving around her though, she is also unbearable, just in a different way.

 

I think the kicker has been how she has treated my son. She only likes girls. Therefore her son, my DH, suffered throughout his childhood, and now DS suffers if he has to be around her, especially if her other grandchild (a girl) is there.

 

It makes me really sad that she is my MIL. I always hoped to have a really good relationship with my MIL. I tried really hard. But the first time I met her she accused me of being a golddigger, despite the fact that I made more than DH at the time (She didn't know that). Then when I got pregnant with DS, she asked me if I knew what birth control was. (we were married and i was 31 years old. Come on.) There have been so many things. I can't even talk about it anymore..

 

I'm glad I'm not alone but sad y'all are in the same boat. Good luck everybody.

 

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Old 12-16-2010, 11:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gentle~Mommy :) View Post

Thankfully, my MIL lives in another country


You are so lucky!

 

I am able to keep mine several states away.orngtongue.gif

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Old 12-17-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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Thanks ladies for sharing your feelings!  It helps to feel not alone. 

To be fair, my MIL is in part a product of her culture.  But I've met other Indian women her age, and they are not all like she is.  But she uses her culture as an excuse to behave like she's on permanent vacation now that she's retired...if that makes sense.

I went through a "lets get to know each other" phase, encouraged by my husband, and the result was I was more upset with her and her views on life.

 

I bumped up this thread hoping someone has suggestions on coping mechanisms they can share with me.  I am not by nature a hateful person, and I tried to like her, I really have, but I just don't have any admiration for her.  But she lives with us right now...so, how to cope?  While she's not a deliberately evil malicious person, she is deeply insecure and does not hesitate to cause me harm if it was something she could benefit from (by telling gossip to relatives about our private family life), or redirect any anger towards her onto me.  For example, if my husband tells her he doesn't like something she did, she will immediately say "well your wife did such and such" and try to cause friction between us instead.

Currently, my coping strategy is limited interaction, but it is totally failing in that it's forcing me to be even more reserved and introverted than normal. 

 

Advice anyone??

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Old 12-17-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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subbing before I even read the responses!


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Old 12-17-2010, 12:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.


Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.


I'm standing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just the mere mention of her name is nauseating!!!  AND it is for the VERY reason that my DH ALWAYS sides with her NO MATTER HOW wrong she is and it DRIVES me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it comes to her he has NEVER been team us and it pisses me off to no end....AND because she knows this she uses it to her advantage like you wouldn't believe.  I am SO glad that I am NOT alone in this!!!


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Old 12-17-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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Oh my! I just realized that this was an older thread, that I already had responded to (quite bitterly, I might add).

 

Rush2ady, triple hugs! I don't know if it was my post that you were refering to, but we certainly have a lot in common. A condensed intro; just so you know where I"m coming from:

 

I'm texmati, and I'm 28. I'm a second gen Indian, condsider myself indian ethnically, but I was born and raised in the US.  I got married 4 years a go to my college sweetheart, who really is a sweetheart, after dating him for 5 years. He immigrated from india with his family when he was 15, but due to finances and college etc did not live with them here in the us until a few months before our marriage when FIL passed away, leaving us with the responsibility of MIL.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rush2ady View Post

bump.gif

For the ladies whose MIL lives with them, how do you handle it? 

I live with my MIL.   Since I work from home, I'm pretty much stuck with her all day long.  We live in a 1 BR apartment with a loft.  The "den" has become her bedroom.

Some days when I'm tired or stressed out, she really gets on my nerves.  Other days I just go about my business, and have limited moments of annoyance regarding her.

 

A lot of my problem I think stems from two women trying to control the house. 


As for your questions on how to handle it.... I didn't /wasn't able to. You can search under my username for some of my past threads... things got pretty bad, I ended up in counselling, but a few months ago she moved in with her sister temporarily. I feel horrible about this, but at the same time I feel like I can breathe in our house again.

 

Specific advice? Figure out with BIL/SIL/DH what is going to be the long term plan for your marriage. As I mentioned upthread, I'm SA, so I understand the responsiblity of taking care of your parents. At the same time, there *are* variations in how you get the task done. Both sets of my grandparents live seperately from their kids for part of the year. If the expectation is that you all will be trading off years or something-- a one-bedroom is not going to work for you.

 

Secondly, I think my biggest mistake was not talking to her, or finding solutions for the every day issues. All of a sudden I was living 24/7 with this woman who I couldn't even talk to. Eventually I stopped talking to her altogether, not hi, bye nothing. Even now, months after she's moved out, I am physically reupulsed by talking to her on the phone. I lost all my compassion for her, and I hated her, and to this day, I"m not really sure she understands why.

 

I wish I had better advice for you-- this is still something that I struggle with so much. I wish I had answers, but I've polled so many people, Indian, non indian, on mdc.... no one has a clear cut easy solution for this problem.


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Old 12-17-2010, 12:53 PM
 
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I was just re-reading your posts, and i had to say that the gossiping was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't know what it is, or why people feel that it's acceptable to do that to their DIL's.

 

How is your relationship with your dh through all of this?


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Old 12-17-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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Both of these below are so true. I don't hate MIL, but I can say I don't like her as a person at all. I don't understand how someone could be so so self centered. We can now tolerate, I think with time it will get better. I think now I mostly just feel sorry for her. She is missing out on a lot of great things behaving the way she has and in the process lost a lot of Dh's respect.

 

Two things that helped me, the book boundaries. It helped me let go of angry and focus on the practical end of what we won't put up with because its dangerous or wrong. Taking out the emotional "I want to rip your face off if you so much as touch my child" helped a LOT.

 

The second is one of the below quotes. Once Dh was actually standing on my side, not teetering hating being in the middle but standing up next to me and guarding me and showed MIL this I felt so much better. So much of my angry towards her was that I felt helpless standing alone trying to defend myself while Dh wrung his hands wishing it would all just go away. Him finally admitting the truth (her doing things to spite me as I was the one whole controlled DS's exposure/ I am DS mom not her) and saying he saw it and wouldn't put up with it was like a HUGE weight off of me, which was even better when he spoke to her about it.

 

I don't like her as a person any more than I would if she weren't Dh's mom. I also blame her for alot of Dh's issues (caused by her selfishness) BUT I do see that I want her in Ds's life....as long as I can be there and control danger and stupidity....Oh and forgiving her does not mean I trust her either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowansmama View Post.

Unlike some other posters, I don't believe she's truly evil. She's just extrememely self absorbed and if the world doesn't revolve around her, she makes everyone else miserable. I can't stand to be around her and her drama.
 




Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.
 

biggrinbounce.gifDS 10/09  sleepytime.gifDS 2/17/11 stork-suprise.gif Blessing #3 sometime 2/13

 

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