So I have this friend - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seriously I do. I am a long time member here but because my friend and most of the other members of our local AP community are members here I need to keep this anonymous for her.

Basically she's in a rotten marriage. She has a son who is older and she was thinking about leaving her DH. they were separated and she slept (unprotected) with a male friend of hers. During this time she also slept with her DH. She just found out that she's PG today. She's unsure what to do. She and her DH is trying to work it out but she's on the fence and was seriously thinking about leaving. Now she feels that she can't until the baby is a year old because she doesn't want to leave the baby with childcare.

The other thing is that she doesn't know which man is the father. She doesn't want to tell her friend because he's anti AP, pro circ pro vax, anti homeschool etc so she really doesn't want him being the father (not to mention he's an unemployed slacker that lives with his mom and is behind on his childsupport)

she doesn't want to tell her DH that it might not be his because there is a chance that it is, and she doesn't want the stress of fighting with him because she had sex with someone else (even though they were separating) when it could be his kid.

Any advice I can pass along? She doesn't even want to be PG because her life is a big pile of crap right now. seriously I don't know how she handles it all and then to add this on top of it.

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#2 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 06:39 PM
 
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If she doesn't want to be pregnant, I think she knows what her options are.

It sounds like a real mess. I wouldn't give any advice in this situation. The only thing I would do is support whatever she decides.

Also, is this woman who posts here and whose friends post here aware that you have put the details of her private life up on the internet, even anonymously? That would be a severe breach of friendship in my book.
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#3 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 06:40 PM
 
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Well, if she just found out she's PG... and doesn't want to be... it sounds like she's probably early enough to terminate the pregnancy pretty easily.

If she's unsure about termination, then I would just focus on the pregnancy... and doing what she needs to ensure her health (mental and physical) and the health of her baby. If she's decided to go through with the pregnancy, then I don't think she needs to make any major decisions right now regarding who to tell and how, etc. DNA testing, etc. can wait until after the baby is born.

If she and her DH are seriously trying to work things out, this could possibly help. It may change the way they both view working on the marriage. I do believe that whomever is the father has a right to know... but I don't think it has to happen right now--before she even knows.

It's a tough situation...and I'll keep her in my prayers.

Mom to DS(8), DS(6), DD(4), and DS(1).  "Kids do as well as they can."

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#4 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 06:53 PM
 
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First thing would be to get all the data on her dates. Last period, ovulation (if known), dates of intercourse, average cycle lenght, etc. An early ultrasound can also help with figuring out the likely time of conception. Do not, however, forget that sperm can live up to a week or so. Many women will initially panic before realizing that, with their dates, there is only one possible father.

If that still shows more than one possibility, she does have the option of doing a CVS or amnio and doing a paternity test. However, she will need the consent of at least one of the potential fathers. Alternatively, if she knows her blood type as well as her husband's and the other guy's, there might be a chance that she could work out who the father is based on that (either with an amnio or after birth) depending on their types.

Realistically, however, the other guy will know eventually that she is pregnant and will know that he might be the father. That's why, if she wants to do the prenatal paternity test, the best bet would be to ask him with the promise of getting an abortion of he is the father. After that, if he is the father and she is not getting an abortion, she can just lie. If he wants to see the test result, she can photoshop it. Obviously, this depends on the other guy's willingness to not go and tell her husband, buit she will have to deal with that regardless once he knows she's pregnant.

I don't have much advice on the more "emotional" or "moral" side of this, but I think that she should take the time to refelct on all her options and the long term impact of each of them before doing something just because "it's the right to do".

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#5 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 07:39 PM
 
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If she were my friend, I would tell her that she has to tell her DH. Yes it will be messy and complicated, but it is morally wrong IMO to let him think that it is his baby only to possibly let him down after the birth if/when she gets a DNA test. I agree she should try to pinpoint her ovulation date before she broaches the subject, but if she truly doesn't know, then she has a moral obligation to tell him.

She was adult enough to make the decision to have unprotected sex with someone she did not want a baby with, and although I understand that what she is going through must be SO difficult, and I do feel compassion for her - the truth remains that we reap what we sow, kwim? She is going to end up having to face the music one way or another, no use trying to run away from it.

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#6 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 09:41 PM
 
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If she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term, the child has the right to know the identity of his/her biological father.

daughter #1 10/13/07
daughter #2 10/08/10
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#7 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rparker View Post
If she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term, the child has the right to know the identity of his/her biological father.


My BIL found out at the age of 25 that the man he thought was his bio-dad wasn't, even though the man was the bio-dad of his younger brother and sister. BIL thought, "Wow, no wonder E. always treated me like [expletive]." The man who really fathered him, meanwhile, died, and so BIL never got to even meet him.

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#8 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 11:21 PM
 
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She needs to tell her husband. If only for the fact that she had unprotected sex with someone else. He has a right to know he's been exposed to God knows what.
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#9 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 11:29 PM
 
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I was just going over the options if she wants to know who the father is without having to disclose that information before she is ready to do so. I do not think that she should let her husband think he is the father for any longer than necessary but that does not mean the other guy needs to know if he is. I would most certainly not tell the "real" father if I had any fear he would seek custody or otherwise ruin my life. In the long run, it is best for a child to not know his father than to be the pawn in some manipulative game between adults or be taken away from his mother every weekend because it is cheaper in CS.

Anyway, as I said, I am not advising on the moral side of it, just offering options.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#10 of 20 Old 03-07-2010, 11:33 PM
 
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I just had to respond. The exact same thing happened with my mother and I am the result. I would never, ever advise or support abortion and I hope you, OP, will not even bring it up. My mother was working on her relationship with my dad (not bio) and EVERYONE told her to have an abortion when she figured out the father was not my dad. She obviously did not listen and she is my hero for facing all the adversity she had to face to bring me into the world; I look at my grandparents (moms's mom and dad) differently knowing they wanted me aborted and think poorly of all the people I've never met who were trying to be my mom's friend by telling her to abort.

I never met my bio-dad and don't know if he is alive; I didn't find out my dad was not bio until I was 14 and it was difficult at the time, but I adjusted and was simply greatful that the man who raised me treated me equally and is my father in every sense of the word (cept the whole sperm part). I know my dad knows he's not bio but we have never discussed it. 32 Years ago when I was born it was determined by the courts that the man married to the mom had parental responsabilities; in some states it is still the same. My dad accepted those responsabilities and raised me. Actually, my mom and dad were divorced when I was very young and my dad had full custody of me and my brother and sister for many years. The courts did not care one bit even when it was proven he was not my bio dad.

I think the man who is the father has a right to know, and I hope the man she married can handle this, but if not I hope the mother can handle this alone.Let her know that her baby will be ok, she'll be ok, and in the long run she will know that this is how life was meant to be.

Drew, mom to Ben (1-7-08), expecting another wonderful babe 4-1-10 via .
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#11 of 20 Old 03-08-2010, 12:43 AM
 
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Sounds like friend could benefit from professional and confidential counseling to help her figure things out for herself (and maybe gain some confidence and control). She has much bigger problems than an unplanned baby if she's having an affair with a man she would openly describe in the ways you've said.
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#12 of 20 Old 03-08-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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A difficult situation. But, as hard as it will be, the truth should be told to the husband and depending on how it comes out, to the other man as well.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#13 of 20 Old 03-08-2010, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the advice, there's a lot to think about. She knows about this thread, she just didn't want all her other friends knowing about any of this. also she would didn't have an affair on her DH, they were separated. and she would never try to pass a baby (after it's born) off as someone else's,.

Again thanks

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#14 of 20 Old 03-08-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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If DH is a creep (she separated from him) and one-night-stand is a loser, why doesn't she just cut her losses, leave DH, never see one-night-stand again, and live her life as a single mother? Worse is staying with a guy just because you feel like you have to.... and there's so many worse things than leaving your child with a daycare before they're older. I'm going to leave my child at daycare at 6 months because I have to go back to work. That's no reason to stay in a bad relationship in a bad situation...
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#15 of 20 Old 03-08-2010, 08:31 PM
 
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Just a thought, could she look for a job where they REALLY support working mamas? ie on site childcare, work from home options, etc.

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#16 of 20 Old 03-09-2010, 02:16 AM
 
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As a child of a marriage where my mom stayed "for us" and now, a working mom who has been fortunate enough to find a fabulous child care arrangement, I do want to emphasis that child care is not always an awful option. My son spent his first 18 months at home with a wonderful SAH AP Mama friend, and is now in an amazing play-based child care center with a Master degreed teacher and low ratios. I know child care can seem scary, and some are, but I hope your friend can look at all of her choices and not let child care weight too heavily into them. Best of luck to your mama friend! What a rough place to be in. I think the best you can offer is support, she is probably well aware of her options, but supporting her whatever she does is very valuable.

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#17 of 20 Old 03-09-2010, 02:20 AM
 
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Moved to Personal Growth

Being right is not always fair, but being fair is always right
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#18 of 20 Old 03-14-2010, 03:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So she told her husband everything and they determined that it couldn't be his. She also asked baby daddy if she were PG if he would sign away his rights, he said no. he would not deny his mother a grandchild and said that he would want the child 50/50 and that they would just have different rules at each of their houses. My friend is unwilling to to share custody and is scared he would try for it so she has started taking herbs/vitamins to induce a miscarriage. This was 4 days ago and I guess from her reports it's starting to work.

She's decided to try to work things out with her husband, she said they have an appointment for counseling. I don't personally think it will work out, he's by far not a suitable match for her and their relationship is so rocky and certainly not a good environment for their child but I think she wants to at least say she did everything she can to save their marriage.

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#19 of 20 Old 03-14-2010, 05:38 PM
 
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If she wanted to keep the baby she should check into the law. Many states automatically assume the DH is the father and put him on the BC, especially if the Mom says he is. (Which, in this situation, I think I would.)

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
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#20 of 20 Old 03-14-2010, 06:39 PM
 
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Sounds like a really tough situation. I hope your friend is able to find peace in whatever happens now.
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