My freinds and family lie, or maybe I really do have body dysmorphic disorder, but I don't think so. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 04:08 AM
 
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Yes, I have to break the bad news to you: you are thin.

Please, please consider lifting weights, joining a soccer team or doing a boot camp class. There is nothing like getting strong to change your self perception. Of if something more spiritual sounds like a better fit, try yoga. I don't think you body needs it, I think your brain does. Rigorous physical activity has been proven to help or cure depression and it dramatically improves self esteem. (The studies are actually less compelling for meds.)

And try to be easy on yourself after giving up smoking. That is a huge life change that in the long run is going to help you in every way, but these first weeks are going to be hard.

You are working really hard. You will be happier soon.
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#32 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 06:34 AM
 
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Thanks everyone, yet again. I will bring all of this up to my psychaitrist on Thursday, and maybe I'll have him schedule me to talk to a therapist in the office. I don't want this to rub off on my dd. I do have a ton of self hate, which is why I think I have this tendancy to be self destructive in a way. For example, smoking cigarettes, even though I knew it was deadly. I would love to wake up one day and not want to hide away in a dark room because of my reflection, it is depressing. I am depressed.

Here are some pictures so you all can see what I am dealing with. I was okay for a while, not hating myself so much for a while, and just as fast as it went away, it came back. I'm sorry for being the constant whiner on MDC I am striving to be a more positive person, and healthy. I guess that I still have to work on my brain some more.

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I am SOOOOOOO happy you got an earlier appointment with the doctor! Trust them to help you, okay? And post on here whenever you need extra support; it's not whining at all. You might need to "work on your brain", but you know what? We all do. The difference is...you're actually doing it. Most of us just complain and then let everything stay the same. Taking action is not easy, and I'll be keeping you in mind and wishing you all the best on your journey, Kaileysmom.
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#33 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 07:41 AM
 
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I didn't read all the responses here, but just wanted to send you a hug.

I doubt you've gained 15 pounds in as many days, but I do get that it probably feels that way. Even 3 or 5 pounds on your size frame feels like a lot. When I was that small, I could tell the difference in that little amount of weight gain. Now that I'm heavier, a few pounds on or off doesn't seem to make much difference.

You smoked... Do you exercise at all? I'm asking b/c not only is that the best thing to do when you quit, but if you weren't fit while you were smoking, quitting will definitely make you feel BLAH. Add on a few pounds on weight (either from overeating to compensate for the lack of ciggy or from water weight gain) and you REALLY feel awful!

The great thing about exercise is that it will not only help you maintain your weight, it'll firm up things so you'll look "more normal" and it'll help improve your mood and your body image.

It won't happen overnight, but it will definitely help. I've been working out 6 days a week for two years now. I haven't lost any weight on the scale, but I know I'm stronger, I've built muscle that I can (almost ) see, and my energy is much higher. My stomach is still a flabby mess, but I feel so much better in general that I don't let it bother me too much. I just know I have more work to do, and that keeps me going.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It's horrible. But I do have to agree with your family -- especially after seeing the pics you posted. Your body is not abnormal. You're just seeing it through very different eyes than the rest of us. Your family cannot possibly understand what you're saying b/c they don't see what you see. Instead of trying to make them see what you see, try seeing what the rest of us see when we look at you. No one's perfect. Stop expecting that of yourself. It's not all or nothing.
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#34 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 09:39 AM
 
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OP, just wanted to chime in and let you know we are built almost identically.

I have the SAME belly, after having two children 14 months apart. I also have had the love handles since BEFORE I had children. All the excersising I did did not change that.

I myself have been trying to embrace my new motherly figure, and some of the posts here have really helped me do that.

But I will also say you look very sad.

Im sorry you are going through this. But I am glad you realize it, except it, and are seeking help for it.

Try taking another picture of yourself, and smile.
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#35 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 11:06 AM
 
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You smoked... Do you exercise at all? I'm asking b/c not only is that the best thing to do when you quit, but if you weren't fit while you were smoking, quitting will definitely make you feel BLAH. Add on a few pounds on weight (either from overeating to compensate for the lack of ciggy or from water weight gain) and you REALLY feel awful!
That's a good point-- people I've known who quit smoking, were happier when they exercised.
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#36 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 01:27 PM
 
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You look great!! I relate, though. I am very small-framed and I didn't feel comfy at 5'3" and 130. I struggle/d with depression after my baby was born (have struggled my whole life) so there's that. I don't think they are unrelated You look much better than I did at 130, but I am shorter and not as well-proportioned. Oh, I think it is because you probably don't way 130, but either way, you look good. It's possible that you are having a bit more trouble with this because you have such a good figure. (were you a dancer?) I have always had a belly, so my post-baby belly is less distressing.

On top of everything else, quitting something that makes you feel good and you use to feel better (I am assuming smoking did this for you) can be very very depressing. After I weaned off my meds for PPD and two years post-partum I decided to tackle my modest, but extremely distressing weight gain. I wanted to support my mental health so I chose to cut out sugar and flour and most carbs. I tried to eat really high quality meats, eggs, dairy, fats and green veggies and cut out alcohol and caffeine. I felt physically better but it was shockingly depressing for a while. I would feel a little blah and I couldn't put something in my mouth to make myself feel better. It took quite a while to get over that and I had to really sort through some feeling during that time. Nicotine is also physically addicting (duh) and I think sugar et al. is also, but I am talking about the psychological factor here. You should be so proud of yourself for quitting smoking. That is a huge accomplishment and shows a lot of mental strength on your part. It's a really big deal!!

Weight training would be awesome for you! Start with a few push-ups a day and work up, no cost, no pressure. Doing a few push-ups makes me feel so strong (even if I can't do very many)

Gap curvy jeans in the dark wash made me feel like a million bucks and 10 lbs thinner try them!! And try them on at the store and pick the right size!!! Stop wearing your pre-baby jeans!!! Nothing will make you feel worse. Properly fitting clothes are a huge lift.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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#37 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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Those dressing room lights and mirrors can be so uncomplimentary.

I like Jag jeans. More expensive than thrift store jeans. But I have one, and I wear it over and over. Love it. It compliments my curvy mom body.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#38 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Add me to the pile of people who say: You're body is totally normal. In fact, you're thin.

Yes, you have curves, but that's because you're an adult woman. Do you expect yourself to have the body of an angular boy or prepubescent girl?

Us adult women are supposed to have a curving belly and hips. We can't have the concave or muscular stomach of air-brushed models.

Your features are attractive. But you look very depressed and sad.

I also agree that your jeans are too small for you, and I think they would look better if they came up higher--say, to your belly button. I think those jeans look unflattering because your legs are so slender, and the jeans are so tight that in comparison, your totally normal adult woman curves draw the eye more.

But most importantly, I want to say that even if you were ugly and fat (which you're not), what does it matter? You have inherent worth and you are a valuable person even if you look dreadful, you know? Your worth and value don't reside in how you look!

It really breaks my heart that we've been so conditioned as women to think that we're only valuable if we look a certain way. I'm not immune to this conditioning either, but it still breaks my heart. We have to help each other realize that we are worthwhile, lovable, likable people even if we're "ugly."

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#39 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:37 PM
 
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But most importantly, I want to say that even if you were ugly and fat (which you're not), what does it matter? You have inherent worth and you are a valuable person even if you look dreadful, you know? Your worth and value don't reside in how you look!

It really breaks my heart that we've been so conditioned as women to think that we're only valuable if we look a certain way. I'm not immune to this conditioning either, but it still breaks my heart. We have to help each other realize that we are worthwhile, lovable, likable people even if we're "ugly."

ITA I was trying to think of a good way to say this myself. Who cares if we don't all look like supermodels. Some of my favorite people aren't supermodels, or no wait, all of my favorite people aren't supermodels. Nothing against supermodels. I love my friends and family for who they are, not the way they look and I often remind myself this when I have fleeting negative thoughts about my looks.

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#40 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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OP: More on the topic of exercise. I've been overweight most of my adult life. There were times when I was fat, by pretty much any standard...not hugely fat, but fat...and it didn't bother me at all. I was walking miles every week, doing aerobic dance every other day, lifting weights 4-5 times a week, and practicing yoga daily. I felt amazing. At other times, I've been somewhat smaller, but felt gross, because I wasn't fit, and wasn't getting any exercise.

I don't know if you're getting any exercise or not. I do know that, in addition to body perception issues, feeling fat is often about feeling out of shape. While you were smoking, and taking in a stimulant (have you also cut back on the Diet Coke, which contains caffeine?), you probably didn't notice that quite as much.

You look great...but, as others have mentioned...soooo sad.

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#41 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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You have a great figure. You just need to step away from the too-small ultra lowrise jeans and smile.

You mentioned size 3-5 -- the odd numbers tell me that you are wearing juniors' sizing and really intended for girls in their teens and early 20s who have never had a baby -- I think just trying jeans in womens' sizing (even numbers) will make a world of difference in the fit for you.
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#42 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 02:51 PM
 
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I know you are going through a hard time and I send you many hugs and good vibes. I agree with others about finding a good therapist. Regarding your pictures - I am being honest with you. You are not fat nor are you ugly. Even though you are sad in that picture, we can still clearly see all of your features - gorgeous eyes, nice full lips and a classic heart shape face
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#43 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 03:16 PM
 
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So, I looked at your pictures and you're definitely NOT ugly, or even unattractive. Your eyes are nicely shaped and perfectly spaced. The rest of your face looks symmetrical, not too round or pointy. I hesitate to even tell you that though because the point is that you shouldn't be worried about your looks to this degree. It shouldn't matter if you're pretty. Do you think unnattractive people should shut themselves up in their houses and never come out? Should they hate themselves and not even try to make friends? NO! and you know that.

Your body is a beautiful woman's body. You can't dress like a teen anymore though. Like others said, that's a good thing. Take a day off, go alone to a woman's store and just try on lots and lots of clothes. Even if you're not going to buy anything. Try them on in lots of different sizes, even stuff you can't afford. Get everything from the women's section. Start to get an idea of what style you may like. Then, you'll be able to start your new clothing collection knowing what you like.

I think you need to do something worthwhile that doesn't involve your looks. Try volunteering somewhere with adults. Go on a hike, learn a new hobby (knitting, stitching, painting, woodworking, etc.)

Imagine a woman who is self-assured who you admire. Imagine you're just as self-assured and admirable. Then make choices from your imaginary point of view. Fake it 'til you make it.

I hope you feel better soon.
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#44 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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First of all your have a great body. You really do. I would love to have your body. I am your height and almost 100 lbs more than you and have sm's all over. Trust me when I say it has taken me years to realize that the way I look on the outside does not define who I am on the inside or what I am worth as a person or a woman. I want to lose weight to get healthy and feel better about myself but I do not think that being overweight or obese makes a person ugly. I have known many women who are overweight or obese but have a beautiful personality. A smile and confidence goes such a long way.

Just wanted to give you a and I hope you are able to work through these body issues and realize that you don't have to be "perfect" or a size 0 to be beautiful. It is who you are on the inside and the way you approach life that makes you beautiful.

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#45 of 59 Old 03-09-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kailey's mom View Post
I do have a ton of self hate, which is why I think I have this tendancy to be self destructive in a way.
This, more than anything about your body, is what I hope you can work on. You're very strong to be able to articulate this. I don't know anything about how to work on this, but I'm hoping you can find a good therapist that you click with and you can work through this.

If you can become comfortable being you, I suspect the body issues will fade. Then you'll be able to see yourself for the lovely person you are.

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#46 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 12:01 AM
 
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This, more than anything about your body, is what I hope you can work on. You're very strong to be able to articulate this. I don't know anything about how to work on this, but I'm hoping you can find a good therapist that you click with and you can work through this.

If you can become comfortable being you, I suspect the body issues will fade. Then you'll be able to see yourself for the lovely person you are.
I totally agree with Lynn.

I'll also second all the other recommendations to get out of jeans meant for young teens who haven't had babies. I couldn't wear those pants and I've not had a baby either, and I'm in pretty good shape!

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#47 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally agree with Lynn.

I'll also second all the other recommendations to get out of jeans meant for young teens who haven't had babies. I couldn't wear those pants and I've not had a baby either, and I'm in pretty good shape!
I have to say I agree 100 percent with the jeans. I was looking through the closet and found a size 4 jean I picked up at the thrift store, who knows when ago lol, I wore those today, and dh said "wow, I love how those fit you" I dont' know the brand, but I can post tomorrow since they are in the bedroom and dh is sound asleep.

Today I actually went to Marshalls with my little girl. It's starting to get warm, and since I had a 50 dollars, I decided to actually buy bathing suits for her and I. We went into the dressing rooms and tried them on. That is pretty huge for me. It felt good, and I didn't feel too awkward in my new suit. It's cute, and a size bigger *last summer small, this summer med* and I'm cool with that.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow. Last night I attending my Aspergers support group meeting and expressed some of my depresson issues. The main goal of course is to get off of all meds. A few of my "aspie" friends gave me insight on what helped them with depression, and want me to ask about certain medications. Adderol, and possibly trazadone. I need to research these meds before I even ask. that's what I'll be doing tonight. I'm on meds, but scared of them at the same time, I'm also scared of being off of them. I am non functional without, I've tried. What I am sure of, is what I am on, is not working for me 100 percent, although I've been on zoloft for close to 10 years (WOW) so if you have any good suggestions on what I should bring up on tomorows visit, please give me some suggestions. I'm good with typing, but when it comes to actually talking, I tend to stutter and freeze up. I know I'll need to write a list so the doc can actually see what is going on.

Thanks everyone for understanding, and the kind words, you ladies are the best, more than words could express. I will update tomorrow. Hugs!

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#48 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 02:01 AM
 
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I have to say I agree 100 percent with the jeans. I was looking through the closet and found a size 4 jean I picked up at the thrift store, who knows when ago lol, I wore those today, and dh said "wow, I love how those fit you" I dont' know the brand, but I can post tomorrow since they are in the bedroom and dh is sound asleep.

Today I actually went to Marshalls with my little girl. It's starting to get warm, and since I had a 50 dollars, I decided to actually buy bathing suits for her and I. We went into the dressing rooms and tried them on. That is pretty huge for me. It felt good, and I didn't feel too awkward in my new suit. It's cute, and a size bigger *last summer small, this summer med* and I'm cool with that.
Right sized clothes can make a huge difference!

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#49 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 05:27 AM
 
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Thanks for letting us know you are feeling a little better!
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#50 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 06:56 AM
 
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Here's an exercise for you: What would happen if you pretended you were posting pictures of your daughter instead of yourself? Would you EVER in a million years post of picture of your kid on the Internet and label it ugly, fat or gross? Do you think you could be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to a child? Could you treat yourself with the same gentleness of kindness that you would treat a child?

Get rid of the pictures. Smile. Take a new picture of yourself and caption it "I love me!" EVEN if you don't feel that way. Just pretend you do.

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#51 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 12:38 PM
 
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I am on your other thread (you are doing great, BTW!) too.

I do think that whether you have BDD or not, you certainly are seeing yourself with a ton of negativity.
Before you posted those pics I went to your album and saw you- honey, you are a lovely woman.
I am used to being thin too, and I am still up 10-12 pounds with a doughy stomach 6 months pp. It can be hard, I know, to be heavier than you're used to.
And it probably won't help you to hear this, but your body is beautiful! Truly!

Two things about quitting smoking:
-It can cause a temporary weight gain. You can and will lose the weight when you're off them for a while and your body regulates itself (I know, I've done it and so have friends).

-We use smoking to help tamp down a lot of feelings.
It's a release, a crutch, and when it's gone a lot of crap can come bubbling up to the surface. It sounds like you may be experiencing that too.
A good friend had warned me about that, and for some folks it's worse than others.

Anyway, I'm glad you are seeing the doc. Hang in there, mama. You are doing great.

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#52 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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oh my! if i had your body i would be rocking some cute clothes!

but i only fit into old mama clothes lol. i tried wearing my pre preg jeans and have a muffin top. i just need to go get new clothes.

you look great. i think your issue might be more of the whole post preg thing most of us go through. the part where you realize you have changed and are "mourning" the loss of the old you. i would go shoppping. buy some stuff that fits right.

once again, i wish i was that slim!

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#53 of 59 Old 03-11-2010, 01:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kailey's mom View Post
I have to say I agree 100 percent with the jeans. I was looking through the closet and found a size 4 jean I picked up at the thrift store, who knows when ago lol, I wore those today, and dh said "wow, I love how those fit you" I dont' know the brand, but I can post tomorrow since they are in the bedroom and dh is sound asleep.

Today I actually went to Marshalls with my little girl. It's starting to get warm, and since I had a 50 dollars, I decided to actually buy bathing suits for her and I. We went into the dressing rooms and tried them on. That is pretty huge for me. It felt good, and I didn't feel too awkward in my new suit. It's cute, and a size bigger *last summer small, this summer med* and I'm cool with that.

Fantastic.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow. Last night I attending my Aspergers support group meeting and expressed some of my depresson issues. The main goal of course is to get off of all meds. A few of my "aspie" friends gave me insight on what helped them with depression, and want me to ask about certain medications. Adderol, and possibly trazadone. I need to research these meds before I even ask. that's what I'll be doing tonight. I'm on meds, but scared of them at the same time, I'm also scared of being off of them. I am non functional without, I've tried. What I am sure of, is what I am on, is not working for me 100 percent, although I've been on zoloft for close to 10 years (WOW) so if you have any good suggestions on what I should bring up on tomorows visit, please give me some suggestions. I'm good with typing, but when it comes to actually talking, I tend to stutter and freeze up. I know I'll need to write a list so the doc can actually see what is going on.

Thanks everyone for understanding, and the kind words, you ladies are the best, more than words could express. I will update tomorrow. Hugs!
I have been on Wellbutrin for depression for almost 10 years now. I don't anticipate going off it -ever. I know, that's not a popular attitude here at MDC. But this is what is right for me. I share this hoping to reassure you that if you've found a medication that is genuinely helpful there is no reason to drop it. Especially since you have a lot going on right now. Two things in particular:

* You've quit smoking! This is wonderful but stressful.

* You have a three year old child. That's a lot of stress right there.

For what it's worth, Wellbutrin was originally developed to help people quit smoking.

Just another perspective.

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#54 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 09:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Psych update: Doc said my brain is on overload, and family emotional blackmail is not helping. It's already known that I mentally can not handle to be under too much pressure, but with the added family stress, my brain is disorganised. He gave me samples of Abilify and Seroquel xr. He said these meds are only temperary until I'm able to get my brain o.k. if that makes sense. He didn't think adding more antidepressant medication would really help, but he is putting thought into adding wellbutrin. He also wants me to make sure and take vitamin D3 and flaxseed oil. I have to email him saturday to let him know how things are going. Sooner if things are not well. He knows that one of my main goals is to get off meds, and he's supportive, although he said this is not the time.

The emotional abuse comes from my grandmother, and has been an ongoing problem, although lately I'm the target. Now, because she is sickly, she's getting worse. The doc said there is no way to change her, and she is not going to change. I would be writing a novel to explain the sick and twisted relationship, but he did say that it is o.k. to lie, tell her I have to volunteer somewhere, and just get away. He said to tell her I am helping him with research, that way she can't give me crap, then go out and doing something enjoyable.

This is the first time in a long time I am up, and have been up since 6am. I dont' know if that's good or bad. I took Abilify yesterday. Maybe today I'll take the seroquel to see if that is better or worse. I dont' know yet, I mean, it's kindof nice not to be hating the fact I'm awake.

Today I"m going to a friends house. dd and her son are friends, and it's her little boys birthday today. My grandma has expressed that she doesn't like my friend, although they have NEVER MET. She is jeolous that I am going. I almost NEVER go anywhere, but never the less, she is jeolous. "" you never want to spend time with me, but you'll spend time with this kelly person, I guess she's your real family" oh well, I going, what grandma is doing is abuse, rather she realizes it or not.

Ok, so I wrote a book.

For those who know about vitamins, can taking vitamin d3 hurt? I know that sounds so stupid since I'm agreeing to take psych meds.

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#55 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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OP, I just wanted to say that you and your daughter are BEAUTIFUL!! Keep smiling.
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#56 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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Most americans are deficient in vitamin D, so yeah, I think your therapist is probably right on supplementing a bit. You can go to a regular doctor and have them test your vitamin D levels, if you're concerned about how much you should be taking...

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#57 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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D3 is great. I agree that you could do a blood draw to check your levels, but most Americans are low since we don't spend the time outdoors in the sun that we used to in earlier generations. I'm low and since I've been taking it and fish oil and had my thyroid meds adjusted my energy levels and depression are much much better. You can check out www.vitamindcouncil.org for more info. It can also ward off the flu and other illnesses.

I have a relative who is somewhat like your grandmother, though not really jealous so much as holier-than-thou and berating me to be better and not such a slacker (which I am not, but it's hard to tell myself that without wondering if maybe I really am when I hear that message constantly). I just have to distance myself and respond politely or side-step as much as I can. If my relative really starts yelling at me (which sometimes happens) I just have to walk away and realize that it's their problem and not me. It actually helps when I can see my relative doing this stuff about something or someone else. I've been the scapegoat for a long time, though. Anyway, I like your psych's advice. Just let it go and realize it's her not you.

Glad you're feeling better.

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#58 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 02:11 PM
 
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We are the same height and I weigh 70 more lbs than you do. And for all my weight, I still have B cup boobs.... I don't strip tease for dh any more but I don't hide my body from him. I change in the pool/gym locker room in the open just like the other ladies. I don't wear a bikini, but I still will wear a bathing suit w/ swim shorts in public. I have never felt proud of my body, and at most times these days I REALLY want to lose weight. So if you are at 130 lbs, and my height and you are having the thoughts and feeling you are having.... then it is my unprofessional opinion that you have a REAL mental issue that needs serious medical or professional help!!!!
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#59 of 59 Old 03-12-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kailey's mom View Post
He knows that one of my main goals is to get off meds, and he's supportive, although he said this is not the time.

...

For those who know about vitamins, can taking vitamin d3 hurt? I know that sounds so stupid since I'm agreeing to take psych meds.
Your doctor is right on!

Ugh! Those are some destructive head games your grandma is playing. I'm sorry, you don't deserve that.

I had my vitamin D blood level checked just last week, got the results just the day before yesterday and it was very low. So I posted a PSA here at MDC just yesterday, extolling the benefits of vitamin D.

I did some research and found, like the ladies above mentioned, most Americans are D deficient. Scientists are finding that vitamin D is much more important than previously thought. Vitamin D is put in milk because it's necessary for us to properly absorb calcium, but no one drinks that much milk, we're not really supposed to. But vitamin D deficiencies are linked to heart disease, breast cancer, colon and rectal cancer, complications with diabetes and osteoporosis.

And vitamin D deficiency is linked to seasonal affective disorder (again, not enough sun light in winter), depression and the mental fog associated with it. Something a lot of us deal with.

My doc told me to start taking 2000mg of vit D3 and 1200mg of calcium. So I'm newly committed to taking multivitamins again. Dang, those pills are big! I end up taking a calcium pill at breakfast and another after dinner/before bed (the calcium pill also contains vit D). Along with the multivitamin and my other meds, it's a lot of pills. Oh well, it's a small price to pay for feeling better!

Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your thread! It sounds like you're on the right track. Do you have insurance that will pay for a therapist? I highly recommend it. You're on the brink of some great progress and a good therapist could be a big help.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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