Feeling bitter about going places my kids aren't welcome - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I used to be this person. Heck, even when my daughter was 10 months old, I was still this person. I had a "no kids" policy at my wedding (obviously she was the exception). I totally regret that. Now I just feel bitter and resentful when I get invited to places where they aren't welcome. I am my sister's MOH, and she wants my daughter as her flower girl, but not at the reception. It just makes me not even want to be involved. But I have to be.

And she is throwing a 30th birthday party for her fiance (whose an alcoholic) next weekend and she just informed me she doesn't want the kids there because she doesn't want to inconvenience the other guests by them having to step over the baby gate.

Now this party is at my DAD'S house, and it is including parents and stuff. Not some party at a bar. I realize it will probably turn into a drunkfest, but not until long after we go home. I am just bitter. I am not paying a sitter to go, I am just going to stay home with the kids and let DH go.

I think I have to get over this.
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#2 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 05:44 PM
 
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I totally understand how you feel, dh and I have a rule that if dd isn't invited then we just don't go, and we're not missing out on anything. We just surround ourselves with like minded people and spend time with them, a much happier solution for us. I would be v annoyed about the flowergirl but no reception scenario also, in fact I prob would quitely but firmly decline the position of MOH or having my dd as flowergirl if that was the case but that's just me
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#3 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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I didn't go to my sister's wedding because she wanted my kids in the ceremony but out of site before and after...including the reception.

Shellie
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#4 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 05:56 PM
 
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My basic philosophy is that the people throwing the party get to set the rules. The people getting the invitations get to decide whether or not to attend.

I decline invitations if my kids aren't included. But I'm not offended if people want child-free parties. I just have no interested in attending them. It's not a big political statement, it's just that I'd rather spend my free time with my kids.

I wouldn't participate in a wedding where somebody wanted to use my kid as a prop, but didn't want them at the reception. I wouldn't go to a party like you describe for the future BIL. I wouldn't have hard feelings about it, but I wouldn't do it to please other people, either.
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#5 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 06:10 PM
 
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I was a flower girl in 2 family weddings as a child. And kids were welcome for the whole event, but of course our parents took us home before things got too exciting. I can understand why someone wouldn't want children there, but a wedding is a huge family event and I just don't see why certain members of the family should be excluded because they are children. Family is family (except in extreme cases). I think those who exclude children from big events like that are really missing out.
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#6 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
My basic philosophy is that the people throwing the party get to set the rules. The people getting the invitations get to decide whether or not to attend.

I decline invitations if my kids aren't included. But I'm not offended if people want child-free parties. I just have no interested in attending them. It's not a big political statement, it's just that I'd rather spend my free time with my kids.

I wouldn't participate in a wedding where somebody wanted to use my kid as a prop, but didn't want them at the reception. I wouldn't go to a party like you describe for the future BIL. I wouldn't have hard feelings about it, but I wouldn't do it to please other people, either.

and wanting your daughter in the ceremony but not at the reception is.just.weird. Don't go.

grateful Mama to DD May '06 and DS May '09
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#7 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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I figure it's up to the person throwing the party to decide if they want kids or not and then I get to decide if I want to go or not. That said I find it bizarre and unfair to ask your daughter to be in the ceremony and then ask her to leave. It's essentially saying she has to do the work but does not get the party after and it makes it hard on you as you will have thngs to do as MOH and will have to get your daughter out of there. It's rude in my opinion.
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#8 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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I agree that is rude.
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#9 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
My basic philosophy is that the people throwing the party get to set the rules. The people getting the invitations get to decide whether or not to attend.

I decline invitations if my kids aren't included. But I'm not offended if people want child-free parties. I just have no interested in attending them. It's not a big political statement, it's just that I'd rather spend my free time with my kids.

I wouldn't participate in a wedding where somebody wanted to use my kid as a prop, but didn't want them at the reception. I wouldn't go to a party like you describe for the future BIL. I wouldn't have hard feelings about it, but I wouldn't do it to please other people, either.
That pretty much what we do.
We went to one wedding where Ds wasn't invited, but it was 15 minutes from the house, he was under two and my friend bought her twins over and they all swam while we were gone. So he didn't even notice we were gone.
Other than that one time I don't go if it's a family thing and no kids wanted. I'd be offended if they wanted my Dd as a prop then want her out of there, rude.
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#10 of 19 Old 03-27-2010, 11:54 PM
 
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Yeah, it can be isolating when you don't want to leave your kids home all the time in order to "have fun".

I don't mind when people have kid free events and parties, but those are generally not the people I enjoy spending time w/ anyway. Plus, if they really wanted my company then they know that the kiddos and the parents are a pckg deal.

Wife to dh, Mommy to ds1 12/2002, ds2 9/2005, and ds3 9/2008.
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#11 of 19 Old 03-28-2010, 09:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Amila View Post
I used to be this person. Heck, even when my daughter was 10 months old, I was still this person. I had a "no kids" policy at my wedding (obviously she was the exception). I totally regret that. Now I just feel bitter and resentful when I get invited to places where they aren't welcome. I am my sister's MOH, and she wants my daughter as her flower girl, but not at the reception. It just makes me not even want to be involved. But I have to be.

And she is throwing a 30th birthday party for her fiance (whose an alcoholic) next weekend and she just informed me she doesn't want the kids there because she doesn't want to inconvenience the other guests by them having to step over the baby gate.

Now this party is at my DAD'S house, and it is including parents and stuff. Not some party at a bar. I realize it will probably turn into a drunkfest, but not until long after we go home. I am just bitter. I am not paying a sitter to go, I am just going to stay home with the kids and let DH go.

I think I have to get over this.
Hosts set the theme, location, menu and guest list. You, as a guest, decide if you should attend or not.

Now, the above bolded situation I'm confused about, why would you want your children at a party for an alcoholic where you know there will be drinking and it sounds like it will get out of hand? Even if you think it will happen after you leave - it could start earlier. I would not want my children exposed to that.
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#12 of 19 Old 03-28-2010, 12:55 PM
 
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a thought about the party. Sounds like your sister KNOWS that it is not going to be a proper place for a kid to be.... ya sure, she is not the parent so its not really her decision on where your kid goes, but since she is the host, in a way it is her responsibility to make a kid friendly party PG, and sounds like she wants a R party.
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#13 of 19 Old 03-28-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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I don't think you have to 'get over it' -- I think you just have to re-frame how you're thinking about it. I don't understand (in most situations) why people would exclude kids from a party, and the only reasons I could think of would be situations I wouldn't want to be involved in anyway. I wouldn't go to a "no kids" party unless I wanted to (i.e. had been looking for an opportunity to get out of the house on my own or something). I would just not go, don't feel bad or guilty about it.

The wedding, on the other hand, is a tricky situation, missing your sister's wedding might cause harsh feelings, but I think you really need to have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know how you feel. I would NOT want my child to be "used" in the ceremony but not allowed at the reception -- I feel that is very inappropriate. Maybe if you could find out WHY your sister doesn't want her at the reception, you can come up with a solution together, perhaps hire a sitter to watch & play with your DD in a corner of the reception hall so you can be free to spend time with your sis, or get her a special toy for the reception so she will remain entertained & quiet, etc. Depends what her reasoning is. I would feel very hurt if my own sister didn't want her niece at her reception.

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#14 of 19 Old 03-28-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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People have become so incredibly selfish and self centered today.

Here come be my flower girl and look cute but you aren't allowed anywhere else.

Get real. Your daughter is not an actor in her play.
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#15 of 19 Old 03-30-2010, 08:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
My basic philosophy is that the people throwing the party get to set the rules. The people getting the invitations get to decide whether or not to attend.

I decline invitations if my kids aren't included. But I'm not offended if people want child-free parties. I just have no interested in attending them. It's not a big political statement, it's just that I'd rather spend my free time with my kids.

I wouldn't participate in a wedding where somebody wanted to use my kid as a prop, but didn't want them at the reception. I wouldn't go to a party like you describe for the future BIL. I wouldn't have hard feelings about it, but I wouldn't do it to please other people, either.
I think that's well put. It doesn't mean that you'll never agree to a "child-free event", probaby there will be times when you'll want or need to have a "break" from your children (and if it's only for sharing some mother-to-mother support).

As long as your children are small it's simply a matter of whether "it's worth the hassle". Do I really want to pay a babysitter, express and pump milk and / or prepare what not - only so I can go to some neighbor's Christmas party I can live without? Probably not.

About the wedding: ITA with chrunchy_mommy. I'd feel hurt if a relative wanted to have my child as a flower girl but she wouldn't be welcome for the celebration. (Note, though, that I'm German - maybe weddings in the U. S. are more formal in general.)

Besides, as a wedding is also about defining your place within the extended family and usually goes with the intention of having children of your own I find it a bit "off" to completely ban children from the celebration. But then - that might just be me.

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#16 of 19 Old 03-30-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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I do not go anywhere my boy is not welcome. If they do not want him around, then they cannot have me either. That is how easy it is for me.

It is a bit tricky because you did not allow children at your wedding either. Ghosts of the past....

But still. It is your decision NOW!
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#17 of 19 Old 03-30-2010, 05:51 PM
 
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I go lots of places where my daughter isn't invited -- grown-up parties that are after her bedtime, girls' nights at the theater that would bore her, poetry readings, open-mic nights where friends are performing. I love her and love taking her to parties, but DH and I enjoy things that are intended for grown-ups as well, and I like going out with my friends who don't have children for a night on the town. I don't go lots of places where SHE'S invited, either!

That said, I think it's beyond rude to exclude a member of the wedding party from the reception. I'm aghast that apparently it's becoming common! I'm not a big fan of child-free weddings -- I think weddings are exactly the kind of big community event where the generations all gather to celebrate and enjoy each other. But if you're going to have one, for Pete's sake -- skip the junior attendants, don't just have them show up for the ceremony and then kick them out!
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#18 of 19 Old 03-31-2010, 03:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ChristyMarie View Post
Hosts set the theme, location, menu and guest list. You, as a guest, decide if you should attend or not.
I agree with this, to a point. I think it becomes more complicated when a family member is asked to be in the wedding party. And shouldn't the hosts also make reasonable accommodations for their guests?
I went to a wedding of a family member that was just unbearable for so many reasons. There was so little thought put into the comfort and well being of the guests that it was just shocking. Yet we were expected to just get through it because it was "the bride's day".

I have also seen twice the scenario of the couple wanting to have a child perform in the wedding and send them packing right afterwards. Some may say, well, at least they included the child in some part of it. Many children would be devastated to be sent away knowing the rest of their family is at a fun party. For this reason, one family declined to have their child in the wedding party.

OP, you have the choice of not having your dd be the flowergirl. Do you think she will enjoy it? It might take some pressure off you if she doesn't do it.
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#19 of 19 Old 03-31-2010, 04:00 AM
 
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I am my sister's MOH, and she wants my daughter as her flower girl, but not at the reception. It just makes me not even want to be involved. But I have to be.
That just feels kind of exploitative to me. Children are cute, we need the cuteness in this exact time and place, but take the cuteness away before it annoys me.

When I was having my wedding, my MIL wanted me to make it clear that it was no children. Since some of my nieces were in the wedding party, I wanted them at the reception. I didn't really know how to say no children and be polite about it, so people came and brought children. I was a little stressed out about it at first, but it was fine. I've never regretted that fact, it was one of the most fun weddings I've ever been to, other people told me the same.

Quote:
Here come be my flower girl and look cute but you aren't allowed anywhere else.

Get real. Your daughter is not an actor in her play.
Oh, hey, I just realized Arduinna already made the point I wanted to make. yeah, that's what I meant!

I had to fly cross country to my sister's wedding and my daughter was the flower girl and I told her, "We're coming to the reception, in case you had any other thoughts." OK, that sounds totally obnoxious, but I did this before I bought the plane tickets, plus I'm the older sister so we have this kind of relationship. If she had really had an issue with it and she told me that, I just wouldn't have gone.
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